JOSHUA

1- So Moses is dead, and Yahweh is talking to Joshua as the new leader of the cult.  Yahweh tells Joshua that it's time to cross the Jordan River and go into the Promised Land.  The territory is to be from the desert (?) to Lebanon, and from the Euphrates River to the Mediterranean Sea.  Yahweh seems to be just as committed to Joshua as he was to Moses, and promises that no one in the Holy Land will be able to stop the cult from taking over as long as they have the power of Yahweh.  Joshua then declares that the cult will depart in 3 days.  For some reason, Joshua then says that the tribes of Reuben, Gad, and the "half-tribe" (?) of Manasseh can stay behind and chill east of the Jordan River, but will still have to send their warriors with the cult to go take over.  Because some of the Promised Land is east of the Jordan River, it makes sense that they would have to stay behind to defend it.  Also, if anyone rebels against Joshua, they'll be executed!

2- Joshua then sends 2 spies to go check out the Promised Land and see what they would be up against.  However, they decided to take a detour, and ended up at a prostitute's (named Rahab) house in Jericho.  The King of Jericho finds out that the spies are chilling at Rahab's, so he sends a message to Rahab telling her to bring the spies to him.  The prostitute lies and says that the spies left, but really she had hid them on the roof of her brothel.  After the king's men leave to go search for the spies elsewhere, Rahab goes and tells the spies that she helped them because she had stories of the cult's power and their mighty god, and also that everyone was afraid of them.  She then begs the spies to spare her and her family's lives when they invade the city.  Then the spies escape her house (which is actually located inside the walls of Jericho, apparently) through a window by using a red chord with a rope.  They then tell Rahab to get her family together and not let them outside of the house because if they leave and are slaughtered during the invasion, the cult won't be held responsible.  Also, they are to identify which house is hers because she'll tie the red chord on the window of her house.  So, Rahab agrees to all of this, and then the spies leave and hide out for a few days in the hills nearby before returning to Joshua to tell him about what happened.

3- Before crossing the Jordan River, the cult camps out.  Then they're told by officials that the Ark of the Covenant is going to be brought through the camp to lead the way, but everyone has to stay back like 3000 feet.  Then Yahweh tells Joshua to get everyone and consecrate themselves, for tomorrow will be an amazing day.  Then Yahweh tells Joshua that he will prove to the Israelites that Joshua is the rightful leader by doing something cool.  The priests then carry the Ark of the Covenant into the Jordan River, and the water immediately stops flowing.  It actually stops at a city called Adam, and the water flowing into the Dead Sea is completely cut off.  By parting the river like this, the Israelites are able to cross the river!

4- Once the Israelites cross the river, Yahweh tells Joshua to tell the 12 leaders of the tribes to take 12 stones from the river and place them where they made camp as a memorial.  Meanwhile, about 40,000 warriors of the cult march through the plains of Jericho.  Invasion is imminent! The cult then marches into the region of Gilgal, on the eastern border of Jericho.  But then then the cult sets up
PENDING

5- The Amorite and the Canaanites heard about what happened at the Jordan River, and so they were scared.  Meanwhile, Joshua decides that it's circumcision time!  Apparently, there were a bunch of uncircumcised dudes running around in the cult.  They actually named this place Gibeath Haaraloth, which means "Hill of the Foreskins" (!!!).  Then they celebrated Passover and ate some manna and stuff.
Anyway, the cult got closer to the city of Jericho, and a mysterious dude appears with a sword in hand, telling them that he is a commander of Yahweh's army who has been sent to help them.  Then he tells Joshua to take off his shoes because he is on hallowed ground.

6- Yahweh then tells Joshua the plan.  The cult is to march around the city for 6 days, and then on the 7th day the priests are to blow trumpets made of ram's horns while marching, then everyone in the army to shout, and the walls of the city will collapse and the cult will attack!  So, the Israelites do this, but before they shout, Joshua reminds them to remember to spare Rahab the Prostitute and her family, and also to "keep away from the accursed thing" (?) and save all the gold and silver for Yahweh (of course).
Anyway, so the trumpets are blown, the army shouts, Jericho's walls collapse, and the army charges!  Then they commit mass genocide by slaughtering men, women, young children, old people, cattle, donkey, and sheep.  However, they do manage to save Rahab and her family, relocating them to a place outside the cult's encampment.  Then they demolish the entire city.  Joshua says that anyone who tries to rebuild the city will be cursed by Yahweh.  The notoriety of the cult then spreads throughout the land.

7- The Israelites couldn't handle the success while still having complete faith in Yahweh, as a dude named Acham pisses off Yahweh by being "unfaithful".
Anyway, Joshua begins to send spies out from Jericho to go check out the city of Ai.  When the spies return, they report that the city seems kind of small an easily conquerable, so there was no need to send out the entire Israelite army.  Joshua then sends 3000 men to march on Ai, but fails in taking the city, and 36 Israelite warriors are killed.
So, Joshua and the elders became really upset, and ask Yahweh why he let them into the Promised Land in the first place if they were just going to fail?  Yahweh then tells them that he's pissed off because of Acham being unfaithful, and demands that those who are guilty of stealing or sinning be burned alive!  So, they go and get Achan, and he confesses to his sins.  He had also taken a beautiful Babylonian robe and some other treasure and money for himself.  So, Acham gives all the stuff back and he, his family, and his animals are stoned to death and/or burned alive!  Then they piled a bunch of rocks on top of Achan, which are still there to this day (at least till at the time that the Book of Joshua was written).

8- Yahweh then tells Joshua to go and attack Ai.  He tells Joshua to do to Ai the same thing that they did to Jericho, except this time, the cult is free to plunder and carry off any livestock they want and shit.  Also, make sure to ambush the city from behind!
So, Joshua takes 30,000 warriors and sends 5,000 of them to go and hide out behind the city.  Then the main cult army will attack the city and run away, and when the enemy chases them the 5,000 warriors will attack the city from behind.  So eventually the king of Ai sends out his army to fight the Israelites, and of course the city was left wide open.  So, the 5,000 elite troops then go into Ai and burn it down, and then ambush the Ai army from behind.  The Ai army was then caught between the two Israelite armies, and the Ai army is completely annihilated (except for the king).  Then EVERYONE in Ai is slaughtered, including men, women, and children.  The livestock is taken by the Israelite army, and all of the treasure is plundered.  Ai is then left as a smoldering heap of ruin.  The King of Ai was left impaled on a pole until the evening, and then was buried under a pile of rocks.
Anyway, later on Joshua builds an altar to Yahweh on Mount Ebal, as Moses had commanded them to do, and they followed Moses' instructions on how to do this.  Then Joshua read of all the blessings and curses that had been written in the Book of Law (the Pentateuch?).

9- When all of the Israelite's neighbors (the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites) hear about what happened, they forge an alliance to fight against the mighty cult.  However, the people of the ancient Canaanite city of Gibeon (the Hivites) decided to pull a fast one and avoid destruction by dressing like a bunch of poor people and then going into the cult's encampment at Gilgal to try and join them, saying that they were poor, desperate travelers from distant lands.  The Israelites more or less believe them, and decide to take them in.  3 days later, however, the truth comes out, but because the Israelites had sworn a peace oath with the Hivites, they couldn't kill them.  So they allowed them to live peacefully in their camp, but they had to work as laborers for the cult, and were cursed to having this be their permanent job, forever.

10- Adonizidek ("Lord of Righteousness" / "My Lord is Righteousness"), king of Jerusalem, hears about what happens and freaks out.  The Israelites must be stopped now!  An army must be raised to smash Gibeon for joining with the cult.  Joshua then gathers his own army to set out and defend Gibeon from the allied forces of Jerusalem, Hebron, Jarmuth, Lacish, and Eglon.  Yahweh then tells Joshua not to fear!  The Israelites then ambush the Adonizidek's allied army, and with the help of Yahweh they cast some confusion magic and are victorious in battle.  Yahweh then hurls down hailstones, slaughtering many of the cult's enemies.
Before the battle happened, though, Joshua asked Yahweh to make the sun and moon stand still for an entire day (24 hours?) so that it wouldn't get dark, thus preventing the enemies from hiding.  The cult's army then returned with Joshua back to the camp at Gilgal.  I should also note that Joshua mentions that this was a prophecy in the The Book of Jasher ("Sefer Hayashar", or "Book of the Upright One"), some mysterious unknown, forgotten, or untranslated book.
Anyway, the 5 Amorite kings then flee and hide in a cave at Makkedah.  Then Joshua orders the cult to roll boulders up to the mouth of the cave and then posted some guards to prevent them from escaping.  Also, continuing to chase down and slaughter the enemy armies after this, Joshua and his army returned to the cave and open it up to capture the 5 kings.  Then he executes them by impaling them on poles (or hangs them from trees, unclear) until the evening, then he throws their bodies into the cave and seals it up again with the boulders.
Then Joshua takes the Israelite army to the city of Makkedah and slaughters everyone inside.  Then they do the same at Libnah, Lachish, Gezer (who had come to help Lachish), Eglon, Hebron, Debir, and then end up slaughtering everyone else in the entire region! Then the cult returns to Gilgal.

11- Time for more slaughter!  A giant allied army is formed by a bunch of kings: Jabin (king of Hazor), Jobab (king of Madon), the kings of Shimron and Akshaph, the kings of the northern mountains, the king(s) in the Arabah (south of Kinnereth), the king(s) in the western foothills, the king(s) in Naphoth Dor in the west, the king(s) of the Canaanites in the east and west, the king(s) of the Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites and Jebusites in the hill country, and to the king(s) of the Hivites (below Hermon in the region of Mizpah). This army had as many soldiers as grains of sand on the beach!!  They all made camp at the waters of Merom to fight against the Israelites.
Yahweh then tells Joshua not to be scared!  Also, after the battle is over, the cult is to also hamstring the enemy's horses and burn their chariots.  Obviously, the Israelites win, and after the battle Joshua does as Yahweh directed him to do.  Then they go and slaughter everyone in Hazor and burn it to the ground.  Then the cult takes over all of the major cities and slaughters everyone while pillaging their shit.  So, to make a long story short, the cult takes over and kills everyone.  Also, these kings had declared war on the Israelites because Yahweh had possessed them and forced them to do so, thus resulting in their extermination.
Then the cult slaughters the Anakites (giants!) of the hill country (from Hebron, Debir, and Anab to Judah, and maybe some other places).  The only survivors apparently lived in the cities of Gaza, Gath, and Ashdod.
Anyway, the entire Promised Land east of the Jordan River was now conquered by the cult, and it was divided into tribal provinces.

12- An inventory of all of the defeated kings...basically, a recap.  31 kings in total were slaughtered (along with most/all of their people, of course).

13- The cult wasn't finished though, according to Yahweh! There was still more land to conquer!  In fact, Yahweh says that some this land he will actually conquer himself, for the cult.  The land was then to be divided by the 9 tribes and the half-tribe of Manasseh (since the other half had remained east of the Jordan River).  Also, the tribe of Levi was to receive no provincial territory since they got to have all of the food offerings and shit.  Then it just goes into extreme detail about how the land east of the Jordan River was to be divided.

14- Details of the how the lands west of the Jordan River were divided.  Also, Caleb (from Deuteronomy, Chapter 1) gets his inheritance, too, and Joshua blesses him.

15- More territory allotment for the tribes.  Also, Caleb led an army to fight off 3 giants- Sheshai, Ahiman,  and Talmaj, all who were sons of Anak. Then he marches on Debir (I guess this is a recap? Unclear), promising his daughter in marriage to anyone who can take the city.  Othniel, Caleb's nephew, manages to conquer the city, so Caleb gave his daughter to him for marriage (they're cousins! :D).  They also get some extra inheritance land or something..  Then there is just more extreme detail about the inheritance of Judah.  Also, I guess there were still some holdouts in Jerusalem (the Jebusites) who couldn't be defeated, so they were just allowed to live in the Israelite's kingdom (doesn't this mean that Yahweh DIDN'T fulfill his part of the Covenant?).

16- Description of the borders for the lands of Ephraim and Manasseh.  Also, another example of Yahweh not fulfilling his end of the bargain.  The Canaanites living at Gezer couldn't be defeated, so they were allowed to just chill, too.

17- More allotments this time.  Also, Yahweh breaks the Covenant by not helping drive out several cities of Canaanites, so instead they were just enslaved later when the cult grew more powerful.  Also, I guess some of the Israelites (the Josephites) aren't happy with their allotment.  Joshua tells them to go fight the giants in the forest nearby.  The people are scared, but Joshua assured them that they can do it.

18- The cult then has a huge meeting at the city of Shiloh.  7 tribes also still had yet to receive their inheritance allotment.  Joshua tells them to go out and survey the rest of the land to get an idea of the how to divide it up.  So they do this, and then come back and began to work out how to divide up the land.
PENDING

19- More details on allotments for the tribes of Simeon, Zebulun, Issachar, Asher, Naphtali, Dan, and also Joshua's family got their own city- Timnath Serah.

20- More explanation of the whole "city as a refuge from accidental killings so the killer won't be killed by the avenger of blood" rules.

21- What about Levite towns?  I guess they get some after all, which is detailed here.  Also, it says here that Yahweh fulfilled his end of the Covenant with the cult, but we know that this isn't true because earlier it said that there were still some enemies that couldn't be conquered who remained in the land.  I guess because they were incorporated into the cult's empire eventually?
PENDING

22- Joshua sends the tribes of Reuben, Gad, and the half-tribe of Manasseh back across the Jordan River.  However, soon the western tribes heard that the eastern tribes had built a big sacrificial altar.  Presuming that they had turned their backs on the cult, the cult send elders to go and check out what was going on.  Luckily, it was all a big misunderstanding!  The eastern tribes had built that altar in order to sacrifice to Yahweh, so that in the future there would be no mistake that they too were indeed members of the cult of Yahweh.  Also, the altar was given the name "A Witness Between Us That the Lord is Yahweh".

23- At this point, Joshua is old as fuck.  Joshua reiterated the rules of the Covenant.  Also, more rules for how to deal with the conquered people living within the Promised Land.  Besides the obvious stuff, Yahweh stressed that there was to be no associating or intermarrying with infidels outside of the cult!!

24- Joshua basically recaps the story so far, starting from Genesis.  He also explicitly reiterates no following of other foreign gods or deities.  Then the Israelites make a new covenant with Yahweh that reaffirms all the rules and shit.  Joshua also sets up a boulder "to act as witness" for some reason.  Then everyone was dismissed and goes back to their respective lands that they've been alotted.  Joshua then dies (!) at the tender age of 110.  He was buried at Timnath Serah.  Joseph's bones were then buried at Shechem.  Then Eleazar (son of Aaron) dies and is buried at Gibeah.

DEUTERONOMY

1- So Moses then addresses the Israelites after they defeat the Amorite kings Sihon and Og.  Moses tells everyone that it's time to leave Mount Horeb (Sinai?) and to invade the rest of the neighboring lands and peoples because Yahweh promised this land to Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and their descendants, so its their birthright.  However, at this point the cult has just gotten too big, and Moses feels like it's up to the different tribes to choose a man who is old, wise, and respected, to help manage the cult.  These men were then appointed as leaders.
Yahweh then actually says something nice/smart- that the leaders are to also be the judges of the people, and to judge fairly!  Even with disputes between Israelites AND foreigners!  Also, if any case is too difficult to judge, then Yahweh will judge the case, personally.  Anyway, the cult then continues its journey all the way to Kadesh Barnea, the location where the Israelites had the whole "breaking of the rocks for water" incident.  This is also located in the hill country of the Amorites, so there were giants around.
Anyway, the cult sends out spies (the 12 leaders) and they scope out the place, finding that it is indeed good land.  They then bring back fruit from the Valley of Eshkol as proof of this.
However, the cult was intimidated by the Amorites being giants and having well-fortified cities and shit.  On top of this, they also had to go up against the Anakites, who maybe were also giants as well.  So of course, Yahweh is still upset that the cult still hasn't trusted fully in his powers (except for Caleb).  So, that's why only Caleb (and apparently Joshua, as stated earlier) will be allowed in along with the kids and unborn of the cult.  Not even Moses will be allowed in!  Everyone else is to turn back and go to the Red Sea to live out their days.  The cult tries to protest, saying that they'll be good and fight and stuff, but it's too late!  Yahweh won't be there to protect them if they go and fight (which is why the Amorites were able to fuck the cult up when they attacked them previously).  The cult not having enough faith is also why they have been wandering around in the desert for years as well.

2-  So I guess it's time for the cult to wander around some more.  They head towards the Red Sea, and are in the hill country of Seir.  Then Yahweh gets bored and tells the cult to head back north through the territory of some of the descendants of Esau, who I guess broke away from the cult awhile ago.  Anyway, they're under Yahweh's protection, so Yahweh says that they are to be paid in silver for any food or water the Israelites eat or drink while passing through.
Then the cult passes through Moab, and Yahweh says not to fuck around with the Moabites since that land (or, specifically, the city of Ar) was promised by Yahweh to the Moabites, are the descendants (via incest) of Lot.
Then the as an aside, it's explained that Ar (Moab?) used to belong to the Emites, who were also giants (like the Anakites and Amorites), and were considered to be Rephaites.  As we recall, Rephaites are a grace of giants whom the Ammonites (another kingdom) referred to as the "Zamzummin" (due to their speech sounding like buzzing).  Anyway, Yahweh crushed them and drove them out for the Moabites, and also did the same shit for the descendants of Esau (at Seir), which originally belonged to the Horites.
Anyway, then Yahweh tells the cult to go cross the Zered Valley.  At this point, it's been 38 years of wandering around since they left Kadesh Barnea.  The generation of people who had pissed off Yahweh had finally died off, so Yahweh felt that it was finally time to get shit going!
Yahweh also mentions that there were some people/giants dwelling in Gaza too, but they had either been conquered by the Caphtorites (a people from either Egypt or maybe Crete, Cyprus, or somewhere else).
Then Yahweh says to go and cross the Arnon Gorge, and Yahweh will grant the cult victory agaisnt Sihon the Amorite, ruler of Heshbon.  Yahweh then says that on this day forth, all of the nations will hear of the cult, and fear them!
Then the Israelites arrive at the Desert of Kedemoth, sending messages of peace to King Sihon, and asking for safe passage through Heshbon.  However, King Sihon refuses to let them in because Yahweh manipulates his brain into making him be a dick.  So the cult uses this dickery as an excuse to declare war, and they fight the king and his army of Heshbonites at the Battle of Jahaz, and of course the Israelites completely obliterates all human life in the kingdom, including men, women, AND children.  Animals, however, are spared (at least).  Then, one by one, the towns of Heshbon fall to the cult, and all of the people living in these towns are systematically exterminated.  However, they still made sure not to enter into the land of the Ammonites or the other places Yahweh didn't want them to go.
Then the cult arrives at the desert of Kedemoth, sending messages of peace to the king (Sihon) and asking for safe passage through Heshbon.  However, Sihon refuses to let them in because Yahweh manipulates his brain into making him be an asshole.   So, the cult uses this as an excuse to declare war.  The cult fights King Sihon and the Heshbonites at the Battle of Jahaz, and obviously the cult wins and then proceeds to obliterate all human life in the kingdom, annihilating all of the men, women, AND children.  Animals, however, are spared.  One by one, the towns of Heshbon fall to the cult, and the process of ethnic cleansing is repeated.  However, no Ammonite or non-Heshbonite land was encroached upon.

3- Next up to fight is King Og of Bashan, at the battle of Edrei.  Yahweh says not to fear, since he's on the cult's side, and also to do to King Og and the Bashanites the same as they did to Heshbon.  So the Israelites abide and they go to and fuck up King Og and the entire region of Argob (Bashan).  They slaughtered EVERYONE again, from the territory to the east of Jordan, from Arnon Gorge to Mount Hermon.  Some more territory too, maybe.  Oh, and King Og was the last of the Rephaites (giants?).  The cult then divided up the land among the tribes.  Yahweh then says that the tribes can't get too comfy in these new territories, as they still have to take over the rest of the Promised Land.  Moses then tells Joshua that Joshua is to be the leader of the cult from now on, and to trust in Yahweh.  Moses isn't allowed to cross the Jordan River into the Holy Land.

4- Moses then says to not fuck around with or change the laws or words of Yahweh.  This shit is non-negotiable.  The nation of Israel is to be wise and understanding so as to be an example towards other nations as to what it's like to live with the power of Yahweh.  And remember, no idolatry, no making of images of anything living (humans, mammals, birds, fish, insects, etc.  No worshiping the sky, the stars, etc.  Yahweh is a consuming fire; a jealous god.  Also, if anyone fucks this up and starts worshiping other idols or whatever, Yahweh will destroy you!
PENDING

5- Moses then reiterates the 10 Commandments.  Yahweh then tells Moses to stay so Yahweh can go over all the teachings and laws and stuff again.

6- Moses then tells everyone to remember the 10 Commandments and Yahweh's laws by teaching them to their children, wear them as accessories, put them in your house, etc.  Remember that Yahweh brought the cult out of Egypt, and not to forget him when they're enjoying all the loot and spoils of war and the occupied cities and buildings that they have conquered.

7- Now Moses gets more metal, saying that it's time for more genocide!  All the people currently living in the Promised Land (the Hittites, Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites).  No mercy.  No peace.  Also, no intermarriage with any survivors, since the intermarriage will lead the cult members away from Yahweh.  Break down their altars.  Smash their sacred stones.  Destroy their Asherah poles, burn their idols.  Also, if you follow the commandments of Yahweh, he will bless you.  However, if you don't, he'll kill you!  Also, don't pity those whom the cult is to massacre.  That will just piss off Yahweh.  And no coveting gold or silver plunder, as this will just result in corruption.  Finally, don't bring "detestable" shit into your house, like graven images.

8- Yahweh and Moses seem to be obsessed with the idea that once people are happy and have everything in the Promised Land, they'll forget about Yahweh.  There is also a long guilt trip too about it, so don't forget about Yahweh or else he will destroy you!

9- Yahweh says that he will lead the charge on enemies in the form of a devouring fire that will obliterate the enemy!  Also, Moses says that it is not because of the cult's righteousness for why they are destroying their enemies, but it's because of the occupants' "wickedness".  Moses also guilt trips everyone again with a golden calf incident reminder (among others).

10- Recap of when Yahweh and Moses made the new 10 Commandment tablets.  These new tablets are still in the Ark.

11- More recaps and guilt trips from Moses.  Yahweh also said that he personally controls the weather and living conditions in terms of life sustainability in the Promised Land, so the cult has nothing to worry about.  Also, apparently, the Holy Land boundaries are from the desert to Lebanon, and from the Euphrates River to the Mediterranean Sea.  Moses says that Yahweh has both blessed and cursed the cult.  When the Israelites finally enter the promised land, they must proclaim from Mount Gerezim the blessing, and on Mount Ebal the curses.

12- More reminders about the importance of obliterating everything and everyone, and to build their own place of worship for Yahweh.  They must also make sure to only offer sacrifices at designated holy places, not just anywhere!  It also pisses off Yahweh that the other cults perform human sacrifice.  So, no investigation or curiosity about their pagan rites!  They worship in "abominable" ways (sodomy, etc.).

13- Also, if a prophet or soothsayer or seer or whatever comes along and performs miracles and shit and promotes a new religion, YOU MUST NOT LISTEN TO THEM!!  Yahweh is testing your faith with these charlatans.  These con artists are to be executed!  Also, if anyone else close to you (family or friends) tries to get you to join another cult, they are also to be executed via stoning!  That way, everyone in the cult will be scared and won't try to pull that shit.  Also, if a town starts to worship other gods, investigate what's going on, and if it's true then the entire town must be put to death.  Everything must be burned, too, as an offering to Yahweh.  THEN the city is to be in ruins, FOREVER.  No keeping of any of their stuff for yourself, either!

14- Moses then says that all of the cult are children of Yahweh, although he seems to be speaking metaphorically.  Then he says more dietary restrictions regarding clean and unclean animals.  No eating roadkill!  That's for vultures!  Give it to foreigners instead :)  Also, tithe rules.  1/10 of all field produce is to be set aside each year, but this tithe is then to be eaten at a designated place by Yahweh so that when you eat it and enjoy it you'll be reminded of him.  If you have too much tithe and can't move it, you can change it out for silver and then just go to the holy place and use the silver to buy the food to eat there.  Then every 3 years, bring all the tithes of the year to feed the Levites, foreigners, orphans, and widows.

15- Boring debt rules and shit.  Debts must be canceled after 7 years.  However, this only applies to fellow cult members, of course.  It even says that the cult will "lend to many nations, but borrow from none."  Also, "you will rule over many nations, but none will rule over you" (ha).  Also, Yahweh/Moses is basically saying now to not be shitty about money with each other.  If a cult member sells themselves into slavery (as an indentured servant?), they must be free by the seventh year.
Anyway, the firstborn livestock animal are to be slaughtered and eaten in honor of Yahweh, but ONLY if they have no defects.  And again, no eating of the blood!

16- Don't forget to celebrate Passover!  You have to eat unleavened bread for 7 days and all of that stuff.  The Festival of Weeks is to take place 7 weeks before the harvest, and some of the harvest is to be sacrificed to Yahweh.  The Festival of Tabernacles is to be 7 days after the food is ready to go.  Also, Judges must not be corrupt!  No bribery or bullshit!  "A bribe blinds the eyes of the wise and twists the words of the innocent."  Also, no worshiping of other gods (in case anyone forgot).

17- Yahweh/Moses reiterates animal sacrifice rules.  Also, if anyone does evil and worships other gods, kill them via stoning.  An investigation has to be conducted first tho, and a conviction can't be passed on the account of one witness.  If it's too difficult to judge, take it up with Yahweh (AKA the Levite priests).  If you express disagreement with the ruling, you will be executed!
After the Promised Land is settled, a king is to be appointed, chosen by Yahweh.  No foreigners can be king!  The king also can't be rich or wealthy, and also can't order anyone to go back to Egypt.  The king is also to always keep a copy of these laws and read them every day too.  Also, no harem :( That will lead his heart astray.

18- Rules for how food and shit is to be distributed among the Levites.  Remember!  No allotment or inheritance for these guys!
Rules regarding the occult:  Yahweh hates child sacrifice, divination, sorcery, interpretation of omens, witchcraft, spell-casting, or contacting the dead.  The pagans who are in the Holy Land do all of that shit, and Yahweh hates it!!
There is also a prophecy:  Yahweh will bring forth a prophet (like Moses), and the cult must listen to him:  this is because the cult can't directly see or hear Yahweh without dying.  Yahweh will speak through this prophet.  If you don't listen to this prophet, Yahweh will hold you personally responsible!  However, FALSE prophets or prophets of other gods are to be slain immediately.  But how are they to know if the prophet is true or false?  Well, his prophecies won't come true.

19- Reiteration of the rules involving cities as a place of refuge, in addition to a repeat of the witness rule.  "Life for life, eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, foot for a foot".  Jehovah's Witnesses use this passage as an excuse to not report child molestation or abuse since only one witness can't come forward to report a crime or sin.

20- Before a battle, men should be allowed to not fight if they have a newly built house, a new vineyard, engaged (but not yet married), or just afraid/cowardly/feint of heart.
When attacking a town, there should first be a peace offering.  If the peace offering is accepted, the people are to be enslaved.  If the peace offering is rejected, attack the town, kill all the men, and plunder everything else.  This is how to treat neighboring nations during war.  In the Promised Land, however, obliterate EVERYTHING.  Even the animals.  Everything that breathes.  The Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, and Jebusites are to all be massacred.  This is because if they are allowed to live, they will get you to follow false gods, which, of course, is explicitly forbidden by Yahweh.  Also, when besieging a city, don't cut down any fruit trees!

21- Another rule: if there is an unsolved murder case, you have to get all of the elders together, decapitate a cow near a stream in a valley, and then the elders are to wash their hands over the cow and declare that they themselves aren't the killers or witnesses to the murder, and this counts as atonement which will make Yahweh happy.
Also, it's OK to take enemy women as wives.  However, if you do this, you have to shave her head, trim her nails, and get her new clothes.  She also has to mourn her parents (who have been slain) for at least a month.  However, if the marriage doesn't work out then you have to let her go, because she's not your slave.
Inheritance laws- If a man has 2 wives but doesn't love one of them, and his firstborn son is from the unloved wife, the inheritance still should go to the firstborn son, and should actually get double the share.
If a son is rebellious towards his parents and is overall just a shitty person, he is to be executed via stoning in front of all the elders at the gate of the town.
Last, after an execution, don't leave the body hanging on a pole or tree.  Anyone left hanging will bring about a curse from Yahweh, which will desecrate the land.

22- Make sure to take care of neighbor's livestock and stuff.  Also, men should not wear women's clothing, and vice versa!  This pisses off Yahweh.  If you come across a bird's nest, you can take the young birds, but not the mother.  If someone falls from the roof of your house, it's your fault!  So build a parapet around the roof of your house to prevent injury!
No planting of two kinds of different crops in your garden.  This will defile it!
No plowing with an ox and donkey yoked together.
No clothes made of wool and linen together.
The four corners of your cloak must have tassels!

22- More complicated marriage laws.  If a woman marries a man, and the man bangs her but isn't happy with her and talks shit and claims she's not a virgin, the girls' parents can go and prove to the elders that she was a virgin by showing them her bloody bedsheets (gross).  If the elders are convinced, then the husband is to be fined 100 shekels of silver (to be given to the father of the wife).  Then, the husband isn't allowed to divorce her EVER.  However, if the parents fail to prove her virginity, she is to be executed, as it is evil to have sex before marriage!  Also, if a man commits adultery, both he and his lady on the side are to be executed.  If a man rapes a woman, he is to be killed.  If a man rapes a virgin, however, he is to pay 50 shekels of silver to the father and then must marry the daughter.  He can also never divorce her.  A man also isn't allowed to marry his father's wife or have sex with her.

23- More laws.  A eunuch is banned from entering the cult.  Bastards (and any of their descendants) are also banned.  Moabites and Ammonites are banned as well.  A treaty of friendship with these people is also forbidden.  However, Edomites are OK, as they're family.  Surprisingly, Egyptians are OK, too!  3rd generation Egyptians from now on are OK to come to join the cult in the future.
Make sure also that when you attack enemies, your camp stays clean.  Should you have a wet dream, you must stay outside of the camp!  You can go back in the next day, however, as long as you clean yourself properly.  If you have to go to the bathroom, you must go outside of the camp.  Also, make sure to bury your shit!  No one wants to step in that!  Apparently, the camp also must be kept clean because Yahweh himself makes invisible patrols and doesn't want anything in the camp that can make it impure.
As for slaves, if a runaway slave comes into the cult, don't give him back to his masters.  THey can live wherever they want, and shouldn't be given any trouble.
No cult members are allowed to be prostitutes.  Also, prostitutes (male and female) aren't allowed into a temple or place dedicated to Yahweh.  Yahweh hates prostitutes.
No charging interest among your fellow cult members.
If you swear or make a vow to Yahweh, you MUST do it.  If you go into a neighbor's garden, you can eat anything, but no taking shit with you or harvesting!

24- OK, so if a man marries a woman and doesn't like her, he can kick her out of the house.  If the woman marries another dude but that dude divorces her or dies, the first husband can't marry her again, as this will piss off Yahweh.
If a man is recently married, he doesn't have to go to war for 1 year.
If anyone tries to kidnap or enslave a cult member, they must be killed!  Also, if you have a skin disease, follow the instructions of the Levite priests exactly.
If you loan someone some money, don't collect the pledge yourself at the neighbor's house.  Stay outside and let the neighbor bring it out to you.  If they're poor, don't sleep while their pledge is in your possession.
Don't take advantage of a hired worker who is poor, regardless of if they're a foreigner or Israelite.  Pay their wages before each sunset.
Parents are not to be executed for the sins of their kids, and vice versa.  Don't deprive the fatherless or foreigners of justice.
When you are working in the fields and accidentally overlook a plant while harversting, leave it so a foreigner, orphan, or widow can have it.  The same applies to olives and vineyards.

25- Those found guilty before the judges can only receive a maximum of 40 lashes.
No muzzling of an ox while it is working the field.
If brothers are living together and one of them dies, the dead husband's wife must marry the brother.  The first son born out of this marriage is to carry on the name of the dead brother.  If the brother doesn't want to do this, he can go before the elders with the widow and she'll take off one of his sandals and spit in his face.  The man's line shall be known in the cult as "The Family of the Unsandled".
If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them goes to help her husband and grabs his opponent by his crotch, her hand is to be cut off!
Dishonesty with weights hidden in bags and scales and shit will not be tolerated.
Also, the memory (name) of the Amelekites is to be "blotted out" under heaven.
PENDING

26- Cult members have to give fruit from the first harvest as a sacrifice to Yahweh.  Yahweh then reiterates how Levites, orphans, widows, and foreigners get 10% of the tithe on the third year.  Also, Yahweh will make the cult more powerful than any other nation if they follow the rules.

27- The cult is to write down the laws on plastered stones everywhere once they conquer the Promised Land.  Then they are to make an altar to Yahweh on Mount Ebal, but are not to use any iron tools, only stones.
Then Moses and all the Levite priests say that once they cross the Jordan they will stand on Mount Gerizim and bless and curse (!) everyone.  The tribes of Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Joseph, and Benjamin all say blessings, but the tribes of Reuben, Gad, Asher, Zebulun, Dan, and Naphtali all say curses.
Then the Levites say the following curses:
1.   Anyone who makes an idol (and sets it up in secret (?)) is cursed!
2.   Anyone who dishonors their parents is cursed!
3.   Anyone who moves the boundaries of their neighbors' lands is cursed!
4.   Anyone who leads the blind astray on the road is cursed!
5.   Anyone who withholds justice from a foreigner, an orphan, or a widow, is cursed!
6.   Anyone who has sex with his father's wife is cursed!
7.   Anyone who has sex with an animal is cursed!
8.   Anyone who has sex with their sister or daughter of their father or mother is cursed!
9.   Anyone who has sex with their mother-in-law is cursed!
10. Anyone who murders their neighbor secretly (?) is cursed!
11. Anyone who accepts a bribe to murder an innocent person is cursed!
12. Anyone who doesn't uphold the law is cursed!

28- Yahweh will bless the cult in all the typical ways he has stated before if the cult obeys.  However, if they disobey, Yahweh promises that all of the blessings will be reversed, and he will plague the land with diseases and kill you!!  He will turn the sky into bronze and the ground into iron!  Your enemies will kill you!!  Animals will eat your carcasses!!  You'll have boils and tumors all over your body!  Your women will all be raped!  All sorts of horrible shit will happen!  You'll also start to worship pagan gods of wood and stone, and an enemy nation will conquer you.  The people will become like animals, resulting in cannibalism, and you'll be scattered among other nations and enslaved again in Egypt!!

29- Moses then summarizes most of what's happened.  Basically, it's a reiteration of the covenant, making this a sort of long-winded "terms of service" agreement.  You can't disobey the rules and still think you're blessed, and there are NO compromises.  If the cult fucks this up, the land will be a burning waste of salt and sulfur, like Sodom and Gomorrah.

30- If Yahweh destroys the land and scatters the Israelites, they can only return once they agree to turn back to Yahweh 100% with their entire heart and soul.  Moses says that there goals are attainable, and you don't have to ascend to Heaven or cross the sea to achieve them.  The power is within!

31- Moses then says that he's too old (he's 120) and once again states that Joshua is to be the new leader of the cult, so he'll lead the people into the Promised Land after they (and Yahweh) annihilate all of the people living there.
Also, the laws of Yahweh are to be read every 7 years during the Festival of the Tabernacle.
Then Yahweh summons Moses and Joshua to the Tabernacle, and appears as a cloud pillar.  Yahweh then says that the cult is doomed to fail because they are going to start worshiping other gods, thus breaking the covenant.
Then Moses wrote down all of Yahweh's laws in a book, and instructed the Levites to always have this book close to the Ark.  Moses believes that the cult will become corrupted and messed up after he dies, so he hopes the book being there will help prevent/prolong this.  Then Moses sings a song, which starts up in the next chapter.

32- Moses' song is just a recap of everything that has happened, and also includes some guilt-tripping as well.  Then Yahweh tells Moses to go to Mount Nebo in Moab and die.  His remains are then to be gathered up by the cult.  Yahweh reiterates that Moses can't go into the Promised Land because Yahweh is still made about the Waters of Meribah incident.

33- Then Moses blesses each tribe of Israelites.

34- Then after looking around at the Promised Land from the top of the mountain, Moses dies.  He was buried in Moab, but no one today knows the location of the grave.  Even though he was 120, he was still in good health (so I guess Yahweh just decided it was time for him to die and put him down?), and the cult mourns for 30 days before Joshua is filled with the wisdom of Yahweh and is appointed the cult's new leader.  Since then, there has never been as great a prophet as Moses.

NUMBERS

1- So it's been a little over a year since the Israelites left Egypt, and they're in the wilderness of Sinai.  Yahweh tells Moses that a census of the entire community needed to be conducted by taking the names of all the men over 20 and preparing to enlist them into an army.  Because the Israelites were composed of 12 tribes (this is actually very fucking confusing, because the Bible refers to the Levites as a tribe, but are not listed in the 12 tribes below, even though they ARE mentioned in the same passage, so this is very unclear), it was up to each of the leaders of the 12 tribes to conduct the census.  The 12 tribes were:
   -REUBEN
   -SIMEON
   -JUDAH
   -ISSACHAR
   -ZEBULUN
   -EPHRAIM
   -MANASSEH
   -BENJAMIN
   -DAN
   -ASHER
   -GAD
   -NAPHTALI
Based on the numbers of the tribes, there must have been several million Israelites at this point (!).  This means that over 400 years, the population went from 70 to several million.
Also, Yahweh says that Levites (who I guess AREN'T a tribe?  Or not one of the 12? idk) are the ones who are to be the leaders of the entire cult and the only ones who are allowed to manage the Tabernacle.  If any stranger comes near the Tabernacle, they're to be killed immediately.

2- Info about the population numbers of each of the tribes.

3- As stated before, the sons of Aaron (Eleazar and Ithamar, not Nadab and Abihu because they were killed by Yahweh, duh) are to be the priests of Yahweh.  Yahweh then dictates which jobs and chores the Levites are to do and which clan within the Levites are in charge of what.  Yahweh then demands some other stuff involving money for redemption, a bit confusing.

4- Yahweh goes on about proper Tabernacle maintenance and which families are in charge of what.

5- Yahweh tells Moses to then kick out all of the lepers and diseased people from the cult, leaving them to just die in the desert, I guess.  Yahweh doesn't want gross people defiling his shit!  Also, if anyone sins, they have to confess their sin and pay money, plus interest, to the person they harmed, among other things.  If a woman is suspected of being unfaithful, the preiest is to have the woman drink some water blessed by divine magic.  If her thighs rot and her belly swells, then she's guilty.  If nothing happens, then she's innocent.  Either way, it's all the woman's fault and the man shares no blame HAHAHA.  I guess if she's guilty she'll be exiled from the cult because she'll be considered a curse among her people.

6- Yahweh then tells Moses that if someone wants to pledge themselves to Yawheh or dedicate themselves in a special way, then they can't drink wine, anything fermented, vinegar, etc.  Also, not grape juice or raisins!  Not even grade skins or seeds!  Also, during this time, no razors are to be used on their head, no cutting of any hair on their head/face.  AND no going near corpses!  If someone dies suddenly in their presence, they have to shave their heads on the 7th day and then the next day sacrifice 2 young pigeons at the Tabernacle.  They they have to do the vow process all over again, but must also remember to sacrifice a lamb.  Anyway, when the holy period of dedication and vows is over, they have to sacrifice more animals and unleavened bread with oil and stuff.  THen they have to shave their heads and burn their hair (!).  Then Yahweh tells Moses to tell Aaron and his sons about this priestly blessing.

7- How to sacrifice animals properly at the Tabernacle.

8- The first appearance of the Menorah?  Yahweh tells Moses that all of the Levites are to shave everything, wash their clothes, and purify themselves, and then they have to sacrifice some bulls, and then the Levites are to be Yahweh's chosen family among the Israelites.  Also, all of the firstborn Israelites are to belong to Yahweh, including the firstborn domesticated animals, since Yahweh didn't kill them in Egypt.  Also, the Levites have to do a lot of the work involving the Tabernacle, from ages 25-50.

9- Yahweh continues to talk to Moses as they're travelling around the wilderness of Sinai.  They've been wandering for about a year.  He reminds Moses that they need to celebrate the Passover at the appointed time (the 14th of January?).  So everyone does so, except some can't because they're unclean, I guess because they were somehow involved with a corpse?  So Yahweh gives them instructions about what they should do.  If they don't follow the instructions, they will be killed off.  Foreigners also must celebrate or they aren't welcome by the cult.  Also, this entire time a cloud covers the Tabernacle during their day, and at night it is a cloud of smoke from a fire or something.

10- Yahweh tells Moses to make some silver trumpets for the purpose of using them as organizational tools and alarms.  The sons of Aaron are to be the trumpet blowers.  Then they wander around some more.

11- Some people aren't happy in the cult, and so this pisses off Yahweh and he burns them to death!  Surprisingly, more people start to complain, especially about the absolutely ridiculous dietary restrictions.  They miss being able to eat all the good stuff in Egypt, but now they only get to eat manna.  Moses gets fed up and goes to Yahweh, asking him why all this pressure was put on him and why they're in such a ridiculous situation.  He tells Moses to get 70 elders and bring them to the Tabernacle, and Yahweh will disperse some of the power of Moses and distribute it among them.  Then, to punish everyone for complaining, Yahweh is going to make everyone eat meat for whole month, until it comes out of their nostrils!  Moses is confused as to where all this food is going to come from.  Then Yahweh summons a huge wind and then there's a bunch of quail meat that falls on everyone.  Of course, everyone immediately starts eating it, but as they do this, Yahweh unleashes a plague upon them as punishment.  Then the cult moves on to the city of Hazeroth.

12- All of a sudden, it's revealed that Moses married an Ethiopian woman, and this pisses off Aaron and Miriam.  This in turn pisses off Yahweh, so he comes down and summons Moses, Aaron, and Miriam to the Tabernacle, and scolds Aaron and Miriam for being shitty.  Then he curses Miriam with leprosy!  Moses tries to beg Yahweh to forgive Miriam, but Yahweh instructs them kick Miriam out of the camp for 7 days.  Then they leave and go to the desert of Paran.

13- Yahweh tells Moses to gather up some scouts to go spy on Canaan to see who is living there.  So the scouts go there and scope it out, returning to report that its a land of "milk and honey", but already inhabited by people- the Amelekites, Jebusites, Amorites, and Canaanites (i.e. giants!!).

14- So, everyone freaks out because they think it's a suicide mission to go and attack the giants, and they begin to question the leadership of Yahweh, Moses, and Aaron.  Plans are made to return to Egypt instead.
Yahweh decides to get the situation under control by appearing before everyone at the Tabernacle.  He swears to kill all of the Israelites for questioning him.  He then says that he'll ensure that Moses will inherit a newer, more powerful nation than whatever these clowns will eventually come up with.  Moses then warns Yahweh that it will make his power look not legit if his followers can't defeat the giants and then he just kills everyone in his cult.  So Yahweh calms down.  However, he still curses everyone over the age of 20 (who also plotted against him) to die on the way to the Promised Land.  Yahweh then kills the scouts who came back with the reports of giants living in Canaan (!).  Then everyone gathers at the top of a mountain since they think they're going to finally attack Canaan, but instead Yahweh makes it so that the Amalekites and Canaanites ambush them, and many of the cult members are killed (neither Moses nor the Ark of the Covenant came up with them).

15- Then Yahweh gives detailed instructions on how to properly sacrifice animals to him.  He says that sin through ignorance is still a sin!  Then the Israelites find some poor sap who was working on the Sabbath, so they imprison him and then execute him via stoning.  Then Yahweh gives them instructions on how to properly make fringes on the borders of their garments so that they're reminded of Yahweh whenever they're horny and look at someone in a lustful way.  OK...

16- A group of Israelites finally decide that enough is enough, and try to point out that if all of the Israelites are holy, then why is Yahweh killing everyone and being such an asshole??  So then Moses tells all of them to go make a censer offering to Yahweh, and he will reveal who among them is truly special.  They disagree to follow Moses' orders, so he goes to Yahweh to not accept the offering of the dissenters, and then talks to Korah, the leader of the dissenters, to convince them to make an offering to Yahweh.  So then Yahweh comes out and tries to tell Moses and Aaron to get away, because he's going to kill everyone!  Moses then tries to reason with Yahweh to calm him down, but I guess he can't so he runs away and tells all of his still-loyal followers to get away and not touch anything belonging to the dissenters or else Yahweh might kill them too!  Then Yahweh straight-up causes the earth to open up and swallow all 250 dissenters, plus these tents and all of their shit!!  Then they go down to "The Realm of the Dead" ("Sheol": the Hebrew land of the dead, a place of darkness that you go to when you die, regardless of if you're good or not.  It's apparently a giant pit under the earth, the topography of which isn't clear).  Then Yahweh commands Moses to take all of the censers and hammer them into sheets to overlay the altar as a sign that only Aaron and his descendants are allowed to make burnt incense offerings to Yahweh.
Some other members of the cult are shocked that Yahweh killed Korah and his followers, and they form an angry mob to rise up against Moses and Aaron.  However, Yahweh saves the day by unleashing a brutal plague upon them.  Moses tries to atone for the people by having Aaron make incense offerings, but by the time the plague ended, 14,700 cult members were dead.

17- Yahweh then tells Moses to gather up the cult elders and take 12 staffs, one assigned to each elder.  Aaron's name was to be written on the staff meant for the Levi tribe.  Yahweh then chooses Aaron's staff as a symbol against
PENDING

18- So Aaron is now the head of the Levites, and they are to be the priests of Yahweh's cult.  Only Aaron and the Levites are to be caretakers of Yahweh's sanctuary, and if anyone else comes near when they aren't supposed to, Yahweh will kill everyone!  Then Yahweh gives instructions for how to make offerings, including how to perform brutal animal sacrifice.  The offerings are then given to Moses and Aaron afterwards.
PENDING

19- Bizarre animal sacrifice ritual instructions.

20- The cult then travels to the Desert of Zin (southern Israel), and Miriam dies at Kadesh.  Then everyone starts to complain again about having no water or nuts and shit to eat, so Moses and Aaron go to the Tabernacle to talk to Yahweh.  Yahweh tells Moses to go and speak to a rock in front of all the people, and then water will pour out from the rock for everyone to drink.  However, for whatever reason Moses either intentionally or accidentally taps the rock with the rod and water comes out, and, of course, this really pisses off Yahweh.  He decrees that the Israelites are no longer allowed into Yahweh's Promised Land.  Then Moses sends messengers to the kingdom of Edom, hoping to attain safe passage through the kingdom.  However, the king of Edom denies them, and then raises a large army to frighten off the Israelites.  Then Yahweh tells Moses that Aaron isn't allowed to go into the Promised Land due to what happened with the whole rock incident (the Waters of Meribah), and that Aaron is to remove his priest garments and pass them on to his son, Eleazar, and then die.  So Aaron does this and then dies (!) at the top of of Mount Hor (haha).  The Israelites then mourn for 30 days.

21- King Arad of the Canaanites hears about the Israelites coming his way, so he attacks them and captures some of them.  As revenge, Moses calls upon the wrath of Yahweh for vengeance, and Yahweh delivers the Canaanites (presumably as prisoners?) to the cult, and then cult DESTROYS the Canaanites and their cities!  King Arad's lands are renamed "Hormah" ("Destruction").  Anyway, as the cult travels along the Red Sea to go around Edom, the cult followers once again grow impatient and begin to talk shit.  Yahweh sends venomous snakes to punish the naysayers, and many Israelites die.  They beg for Moses to ask Yahweh for forgiveness, and then Yahweh tells Moses to make a fake snake and put the snake on a pole, and that anyone who has been poisoned by a snake will look at this fake snake and then live.  So Moses does so and makes a bronze snake, puts it on a pole, and then anyone who had been bitten then looks at the snake was cured of the poison.  Then the cult continues to travel around some more, and we get some geography of the local region, including a placed called "Beer" (haha), which means "Water Well".  Also mentioned in this chapter is the "Book of the Wars of Yahweh", which is a lost book of the Bible!  Then the Israelites try to pass through the land of the Amorites, and sent messengers to King Sihon, their king.  King Sahon said no, and then raised an army and sent the army to attack the Israelites.  Obviously, the cult was able to defeat them, and then they took over some of their land.  They made their capital of the territory Heshbon, which was also the capital city of the Amorites.  There were still Amorites occupying the remaining land, so the Israelites decided to just go ahead and conquer the rest of the kingdom.  On their way, they apparently went too close to the territory of the city of Bashan, which was ruled by King Og.  King Og sent an army to attack the Israelites, which culminated in the battle at Edrai.  The Israelites defeated this new army, and killed everyone!!  Then they conquered King Og's kingdom.

22- Then the Israelites travels to the plains of Moab, and camp along the Jordan River, across from the city of Jericho (uh-oh!).  King Balak of the Moabites saw what the cult had done to the Amorites, and was scared.  He decided that the solution to this problem was to summon Balaam from Pethor (near the Euphrates River), a mighty sorcerer.  So, the elders of Moab and Midian (an allied city) went to Balaam, and he tells them that he'll give them an answer the next day because he has to talk to Yahweh first.  So Yahweh shows up and Balaam tells him the situation.  Yahweh warns Balaam not to fuck with the Israelites, so Balaam tells the elders what Yahweh said.  The elders go back home and tell King Balak what's up, so the king decides to send some higher-up officials to go talk to Balaam again to urge him to serve the Moabites.  So, Balaam tells them to wait and see what Yahweh says, although he warns the officials that the Moabites won't be able to offer him anything that could even come close to the power of Yahweh.  Anyway, that night Yahweh again goes to talk to Balaam, but this time he tells Balaam to secretly work as a double agent for the cult.  So, Balaam agrees, and in the morning he gets up and goes with the messengers back to King Balak.  This pisses
PENDING

23- Then Balaam orders 7 altars to be built, whereupon 7 bulls and rams are to be sacrificed at the altars.  Then Balaam goes off to talk to Yahweh, and Yahweh puts a magic message in Balaam's mouth.  Balaam goes back to talk to King Balak, but his message ended up being a blessing for the Israelites instead of a curse.  Anyway, this pises off King Balak, so he tries to get Balaam to curse the cult by moving to the field of Zophim, at the top of Mount Pisgah.  They do all the sacrifices again, but the same thing happens.  So, then King Balak tries again, by taking Balaam to the top of Mount Peor to try one more time...

24- Balaam goes off and the same thing happens on Mount Peor, except this time Balak finally gets pissed off and threatens Balaam.  Also, in Balaam's third message, he talks about how powerful the Israelite nation will be and how they will "devour" hostile nations, shatter their bones, etc.  Then Balaam makes another prophecy that talks about "a star out of Jacob", who we are to assume will be a leader that will destroy all of the cult's enemies (such as the children of Sheth, the Moabites, Edom, Seir, etc.).  Then Balaam makes the prophecy that Amalek will be destroyed along with the Kenites and others.  Then Balaam goes home.

25- The cult is staying in the city of Shittim, and some of the male members of the cult begin to engage in "sexual immorality" with the Moabite women, and they also begin to worship a god named Baal-Peor (Belphegor!), although who exactly this god is is unknown.  Either way, this obviously pisses off Yahweh, so he demands that Moses brutally massacre all of those who are involved in the worship of Baal-Peor.  Then Yahweh unleashes a plague upon the cult that kills 24,000 members, but stops when Aaron's grandson, Phineas, kills a dude who comes back to the Israelite camp with a foreigner woman from Midian.  He kills both of them by skewering them with a spear.  This cheers up Yahweh, who was impressed with Phineas brutality, and he decides to stop the plague.  He also grants Phineas and all of his future descendants special privilege in the office of priesthood for the cult.  Also, apparently the woman from Midian was the daughter of a Midianite tribal chief (named Zur).  So, Yahweh decides that it's time to destroy the Midianites!

26- After the plague, Yahweh decides that it's census time.  Only men (over 20) are counted.  The clans of Reuben, Simeon, Gad, Judah, Issachar, Zebulun, Manasseh, Ephraim, Benjamin, Dan, Asher, Naphtali, and Levi are all counted.  Also, the land is allotted to these clans in proportion to the overall size of the clans in terms of population.

27- Some Israelite women go to Moses and the cult elders at the Tabernacle and ask about property law.  If a man dies with no male heirs, surely the women should inherit at least some of his stuff?  Moses goes to Yahweh to ask what to do.  Yahweh says that in this case, a daughter gets the inheritance, otherwise it goes to the father's brothers, uncles, or nearest relative.
Then Yahweh tells Moses that he's still kind of pissed off about the whole "Water of Meribah Kadesh" incident, and that Moses has essentially served his purpose and that now it's time for him to die (!).  Joshua, son of Nun, is to take Moses' place as leader of the cult.  So Moses lays his hands on Joshua in a blessing, and they perform some sort of divine magic to see if Joshua is to be a worthy leader.
They also make a reference to the "urim", which is apparently some sort of magic item or stone, also associated wit ha a counterpart piece, called a "thummim".  Although it's associated with Jewish clerical magic, it's possible that it has roots in Babylonian or (pre-Islamic) Arabic magic.  We're not quite sure exactly what this stuff is.

28- Yahweh explains more animal sacrifice rules that he wants performed.

29- More animal sacrifice rules.

30- Moses then explains that if someone makes a vow to Yahweh, they must not break the vow!  A woman who still lives with her father can only make a vow if her father allows it.  If her father forbids the vow, then Yahweh won't hold the woman to it.  The same rules apply if a woman is living with her husband, but if her husband fails to immediately forbid the vow, then it's his fault.  I guess this means that in terms of vows, women aren't responsible for anything?

31- Yahweh then declares that he wants the cult to attack the Midianites.  1000 men from each of the 12 tribes of Israel were to make up the cult's army.  Anyway, the Israelite army then goes and kills every man in the city of Midian, and they enslave the women and children.  They also confiscated all of their possessions, and then killed Midian's five kings (Evi, Rekem, Zur, Hur, and Reba).  Then they killed Balaam and burned down all of the cities under Midian's domain before returning to Moab.
Moses then declares that all the boys and non-virgin women are to be executed and all of the virgin girls to be kept alive as sex slaves.  Also, anyone who kills anyone, or anyone who touches a murderer, must leave the camp for 7 days, purifying themselves on the 3rd and 7th days.  Then Yahweh says that all of the spoils of war are to be divided equally among the soldiers (1/500 things are to be given to Yahweh (AKA Eleazar, the high priest), and the non-soldier cult members, with 1/50 things going to the Levites).

32- Once this is all said and done, some of the cult members realize that these new conquered lands are actually pretty nice, so why not just chill here?  The ones that want to chill ask Moses to not cross the Jordan River.  Obviously, this pisses off Moses, but it especially pisses off Yahweh, of course, who goes berserk and declares that no one over the age of 20 at the time of the Egyptian exodus will be able to even SEE the Promised Land, except for Caleb (son of Jephunneh the Kenizzite) and Joshua (son of Nun).  Yahweh is so angry, in fact, that he forces the cult to wander the desert for 40 more years, until all the people who were forbidden from entering the Promised Land in the first place finally died off.  Finally, the cult agrees to send forth an army to conquer the Promised Land.  The warriors were to go forth and fight, and the women and children were to stay behind in the cities until the Israelites were completely victorious.
So, the cult builds a bunch of cities and towns in their conquered lands, and then they conquer some other places in the meantime as well.

33- The Bible does a recap of the Israelites exodus out of Egypt thus far.  It also reiterates that Yahweh wants the cult to completely conquer and demolish all of the people and their settlements, and drive out any survivors (very important, otherwise they'll just make more trouble).
PENDING

34- Yahweh explains to Moses explicitly the exact territory of the land that he has promised them.  Then he explains how he wants the land to be divided up by the different tribes of Israel.

35- Yahweh tells Moses more instructions to follow for the settlement of the holy land.  Also, there are to be cities built that are designated as places that someone can go after they kill someone accidentally and can hide out.  If they accidentally kill someone, it's possible that they can go and seek sanctuary in certain cities so they won't be wrongfully killed by an avenger of the person who was killed.
Also, more rules- if anyone tries to kill anyone else outside of revenge, then the murderer is to be killed.  However, if it's an accident, then there should be a trial.  It is up to the assembly to protect the possibly innocent person from anyone trying to seek revenge, but if the person leaves the safe zone then they're on their own!  If there are two witnesses, then the accused is guilty.  Just one isn't enough, however.  However, all of this can change if the high priest dies.  Then Yahweh says not to pollute the land.  Atonement can't be made on a land where blood has been shed unless more blood is shed from the one who started the violence.

36- Then some Gilead clan leaders (descendants of Joseph) come to Moses and the others with a question- because Yahweh told Moses to have the land divided up among the different tribes, but if these tribal leaders marry women who aren't in the cult, this will reduce the the total area of land that is under direct control of the cult's tribes.  Instead, the land could/will end up in the hands of non-cult people.  To solve this problem, Yahweh tells Moses that no cult member is allowed to marry outside of the cult; this will solve the problem of land inheritance going to non-cult families or peoples.  Also, the land MUST remain as property of the tribe it was allotted to.  No transfers! 
As a result of this, cousins ended up marrying cousins and shit. :/

LEVITICUS

1- Yahweh continues to talk to Moses from the Tabernacle, instructing him on the proper methods and preparations for brutal animal sacrifice, such as killing bulls, sheep, doves/pigeons, etc.

2- How to make a meal offering to Yahweh.  Oh, and there's also a misprint in the KJV- it should say "meal" offering and not "meat" offering, which makes sense because it's all about how to fry up grain into cakes and unleavened bread as an offering.  It's also supposed to be Yahweh's favorite recipes, but because Yahweh doesn't actually eat it himself, Aaron's family eats it, so it kind of seems like it's just instructions on how to cook meals that are especially favored by Aaron and his family.

3- More about how to make peace offerings to Yahweh via animal sacrifice with sheep and/or goats.  Also, Yahweh apparently really likes the fat of the animals, so much so that the Israelites themselves aren't even allowed to eat any fat or blood AT ALL.  Not even in their own home!  FOREVER!!

4- How to sacrifice a bull if you accidentally sin to redeem yourself in the eyes of Yahweh.

5- Yahweh talks about stuff that makes you unclean and "guilty", like touching an animal carcass, bug carcass, or any "unclean thing" (fecal matter?).  Even if you touch it and you didn't realize or know that you touched it, you're still unclean.  In order to repent, you have to sacrifice an animal.

6- Yahweh also instructs how to give something back if you happen to steal it.  Oh, and you should sacrifice an animal if you do this.  Also, meat and bread offerings to Yahweh are to be eaten only by the priests.  You become holy in the eyes of Yahweh if  you touch the burnt offering.  Apparently, female priests are indeed allowed because it specifies that only MALE priests are allowed to eat the offerings.

7- How to properly sacrifice an animal if you commit the sin of trespassing.  Of course, it's revealed that Aaron and his family get all of the meat from this.  Also, there's rules for how to make a peace offering to Yahweh with unleavened cakes and stuff like that.  No leftovers allowed!  And no touching anything that is unclean, which applies to both you and that which you are offering to Yahweh!  If either one touches something unclean while you're doing this, you'll be exiled forever!!  Remember, no eating blood either!

8- Then Yahweh tells Moses to take Aaron and his sons and a bunch of the ceremonial garb and sacrifice offerings and to gather at the Tabernacle with the rest of the congregation.  So, they do this and then Moses washes Aaron and his sons with water, and then dresses Aaron up in the ceremonial garb.  Then they perform a sacrificial offering to Yahweh by killing a bull and doing some other weird stuff.  Then they do the same thing with a ram.  Then they do more weird stuff with the blood.  Then they have to eat and burn the food and then go into the Tabernacle for SEVEN days(!) so Yahweh can "consecrate" them, and they can't leave or else they'll die!

9- So, they do this, but then when they finish, Moses gets Aaron and the elders together to tell them that Yahweh wants more animals to be sacrificed.  So, they sacrifice more animals.  Then a fire from the Tabernacle comes out and consumes the meat, which freaks everyone out!

10- Aaron's sons then try to burn some incense for Yahweh, but Yahweh doesn't like the incense that they burn, so he straight-up kills them via BRUTAL IMMOLATION!!  Then Moses wants everyone to not uncover their heads or take off their clothes, or else they'll die.  Then Yahweh says he'll kill any priest who leaves the Tabernacle while there is still anointing oil on them, or else they will be killed!  Yahweh also says that this ritual is to be carried out repeatedly forever.  Then Moses and Aaron have some kind of argument, but they work it out.

11- Then Yahweh tells Moses and Aaron to tell all the Israelites all of the animals which they are allowed to eat, which are: (NOTE: these are not direct translations, so who knows exactly)
   -animals which chew cud AND are cloven-hoofed AND "parteth the hoof" (cows are OK, but not camels, rabbits, pigs, etc.).
   -aquatic animals that have fins and scales are OK, but if they don't have fins or scales, they are an ABOMINATION.
   -birds are OK, but not eagles, vultures, ospreys, kites, ravens, owls, night hawks, cuckoos, hawks, little owls, cormerants, great owls, swans, pelicans, grier eagles, storks, herons, lapwings, bats (bats aren't birds), and birds that "creep, going upon all four").
   -More unclean animals: weasels, mice, tortoises, ferrets, chameleons, lizards, snails, and moles.
   -flying "creeping things" that have legs are OK.  Locusts, bald locusts, beetles, and grasshoppers are OK too.
   -Any animal that walks on their paws and have four legs are also unclean.
   -ALL "creeping things" are an ABOMINATION, including "things that go on their belly" (snakes).
If you even TOUCH an unclean animal, YOU are unclean until the evening.   Anything unclean that touches something else contaminates it with uncleanliness.   Also certain seeds are unclean.

12-  Yahweh tells Moses to tell everyone that after a woman gives birth, she is unclean for 7 days.  Also, on the 8th day, the kid (if it's a boy) needs to be circumcised.  She then has to purify herself for 33 days, and can't touch anything holy or come into the sanctuary.  If her child is a girl, however, she's unclean for 14 days, and has to purify herself for 66 days!  Then she has to sacrifice a lamb as a burnt offering and a pigeon or dove as a sin offering.  If she doesn't have a lamb, 2 turtles or 2 young pigeons will suffice.

13- Leprosy protocol!  How to determine if it's leprosy or just blemishes, if the person is unclean, etc.  Also, contrary to what many believe, bald people are actually clean (haha).  Lepers also now have to tear up the clothes, not wear a head covering, and cover their upper lips and cry out that they're unclean.  The leper also has to go and live by themselves away from camp.  Also info about what to do with a leper's garments and shit.

14- Yahweh explains to Moses how to cure leprosy with divine magic.  You have to kill a bird, then take another bird (that's alive) and dip it in the blood of the dead bird, then sprinkle the blood on the leper 7x and let the living bird fly away.  Then you have to kill a lamb and wipe the blood on the leper's thumb, right ear, and big toe.  Then sprinkle oil 7x and then wipe some of the oil on the thumb, big toe, and right ear.  Repeat.  Then sprinkle the house with the blood 7x.  Also, Yahweh will unleash a plague of leprosy on the Canaanites.

15- Yahweh then tells MOses and Aaron to tell the Israelites what to do if they get an STD.  Obviously, having an STD means you are unclean.  However, every bed and seat you touch is also unclean if you have an STD.  The man will be unclean until he washes his clothes and bathes and then waits until the evening.  If the infected dude spits on you, touches you, rides on your saddle, etc., you and everything he's touched is unclean.  The infected dude has to purify himself for 7 days, and then he has to sacrifice 2 turtledoves or pigeons at the Tabernacle.  If the Tabernacle is defiled by an unclean person its presence, Yahweh will KILL them!!

16- Yahweh tells Moses to warn Aaron that he might kill Aaron too if Aaron goes to the Tabernacle, but I guess Yahweh won't be made if Aaron brings a young bull and ram to sacrifice.  Also, on behalf of everyone else, he has to sacrifice a ram and 2 more goats.  This is where the word "scapegoat" comes from!  Yahweh then goes into specifics about how he wants the goats sacrificed.  Also, apparently everyone has to do this at least once a year because everyone is sinful.

17- Yahweh continues to tell Moses to tell everyone in the cult who sacrifices an ox, lamb, or goat, without bringing it to the Tabernacle and offering it to Yahweh will be guilty of "shedding blood" by Yahweh and is to be ostracized and cut off from the cult.  Also, no more sacrifices to goat/demon idols!  And no more "eating of blood" either (this includes foreigners!), because blood is only to be used for atonement, not for food!  Also, no eating roadkill/random animal carcasses found in the wild (also includes foreigners)!

18- So Yahweh continues to talk to Moses.  He continues to stress that the cult should maintain their covenant with him, but also that there's some more shit to remember:
   -MEN: don't have sex with any close relatives, including your mom, your father's wife, your sister, any daughter of your father or mother, your son's daughter, your daughter's daughter, your father's wife's daughter, your father's sister, your mother's sister, your father's brother or his wife, your daughter-in-law, your brother's wife, a woman AND her daughter and/or close relatives all at the same time, your wife's sister, a woman on her period, another man, or an animal.
By following these rules, the cult is kept pure while all the inhabitants of the lands that the Israelites are going to drive off are doing these things, making them unclean in the eyes of Yahweh.  Even foreigners that are in the lands of the cult must follow these rules to keep the land from being defiled.  Those currently dwelling in the Promised Land defiled themselves by doing these things  Oh, and no sacrificing children to Molech!  If you commit ANY of these sins, the land will "vomit you out" as it has "vomited out" the nations before you!  If you do any of this shit, you are to be shunned by the cult.

19- Yahweh continues by telling Moses more rules:
   -You have to be "holy" because Yahweh himself is holy.
   -Israelites must respect their parents, observe the Sabbath and not worship idols.
   -If you make a sacrifice to Yahweh, you have to eat it (if it's edible, I guess) within 2 days or else on the third day Yahweh will consider it abominable and you will get kicked out of the cult.
   -Don't reap the edges of the field during the harvest or glean because the gleanings should be given to poors and foreigners.
   -Don't lie, cheat, or steal, falsely swear something in Yahweh's name.
   -Don't keep money from workers if you're the boss and pay them the next day.  Instead, pay them the day of their work.
   -Don't fuck with deaf or blind people.
   -Be fair in your judgements.
   -Don't favor the rich OR the poor.
   -Don't spread slander.
   -Don't endanger your neighbor's life.
   -Don't hate your fellow Israelite, if you have a problem be up-front and don't keep it inside.
   -Don't seek revenge or bear grudges.
   -Don't breed different kinds of animals with each other.
   -Don't plant two different seeds in the same field.
   -Don't wear clothing woven with 2 different kinds of material.
   -If a man has sex with a female slave but she's been promised to another man and has not yet been freed, then the slave must be punished (but not killed).  However, the man sacrifice a ram at the Tabernacle in order to calm Yahweh down.
   -Also, if you plant a fruit tree, you must not eat the fruit for 3 years.  The 4th year fruit must be offered to Yahweh.   5th year fruit is fair game.
   -REMEMBER not to eat any meat with blood still in it.
   -No divination, seeking of omens, enchantments, arcane magic, etc.
   -Don't cut your hair on the side of your head or cut your beard.
   -Don't cut open dead people
   -No tattoos!
   -Don't make your daughter a prostitute!  This will cause an epidemic prostitution and wickedness!
   -Revere Yahweh's sanctuary.
   -No seeking out wizards, fortune-tellers, mediums, etc. because they will defile you!
   -Stand up in the presence of old people.
   -Show respect for the elderly.
   -Fear/revere Yahweh!
   -Don't fuck with foreigners, treat them with respect, because the Israelites were foreigners once in Egypt and it sucked.
   -Don't be dishonest in measuring lengths, weights, quantities, be honest about that shit.
   -Remember to follow all of these laws!!

20- Yahweh continues talking to Moses.  MORE RULES:
   -If any Israelite or foreigner sacrifices any children to Molech, they are to be killed via stoning!   If the people don't do this or are unaware of sacrifices to Molech, Yahweh will personally kick the guilty out of the cult on charges of blasphemy.  The same goes for anyone else who follows wizards, mediums, etc.
   -Israelites are to consider themselves sacred and holy.
   -If you curse your mother or father, you are to be executed!!
   -If a man bangs another man's wife, both are to be executed!  Same goes for if a man bangs his father's wife, his daughter-in-law, another man, OR if a man marries a woman and her mother at the same time, yep- execution!
   -No having sex with animals!
   -If a man marries his sister or daughter of his mom or dad and they have sex, they're kicked out of the cult.
   -No sex with a sister of either of your parents'!
   -No sex with aunts!
   -No marrying a brother's wife!
   -If anyone performs unauthorized arcane magic, they are to be killed!
All of the Canaanites currently living there do this shit, and it pisses Yahweh off.   So the Israelites can't do this stuff too or obey the old laws of the Canaanites.  Yahweh's laws make the Israelites clean, therefore making anyone who doesn't follow Yahweh's laws unclean.

21- Yahweh tells Moses about rules priests have to follow regarding corpses.  Priests also aren't allowed to shave their heads, their beards, or cut their bodies (?).  They also can't marry prostitutes or divorced women .  Any daughter of a priest who becomes a prostitute is to be burned to death (!!).  Also, if the priest is to marry a woman, she MUST be a virgin AND an Israelite.  No prostitutes, widows, or divorcees allowed!  As for Aaron, if any of his offspring have any sort of defect, they are not allowed to make any sort of offering to Yahweh.  In fact, NO ONE is allowed to approach the Tabernacle if they are blind, lame, a dwarf, flat-nosed, have damaged testicles (haha wtf), broken hands/feet, scurvy, scabs, or anything else.  They can still eat the bread of the offering, though.  The reason why they can't come to the Tabernacle though is because Yahweh considers their presence a desecration of his sanctuary!

22- Yahweh continues to tell Moses more stuff.  The usual stuff- keep away from unclean stuff, especially if you're going to be dealing with holy stuff.  And no slaves or foreigners are allowed to eat "holy things", I guess which means stuff meant for sacrifices.  Priest's slaves can eat holy stuff, though.  Also, Yahweh likes animal sacrifices to be from animals that are male and perfect, no fucked up animals or animals with blemishes and shit.  Foreigners aren't allowed to offer sacrifices.  Animals must be aged for 8 days at least before being sacrificed.  AND, no killing an animal mom and her offspring on the same day!

23- Yahweh continues to talk to Moses.  He talks about how important it is for the Israelites to work for 6 days, but NOT on the 7th day (the Sabbath).  Also talks about rules for Passover, unleavened bread, etc., in addition to rules for animal sacrifice during this time.  Feast dates and stuff.

24- Yahweh continues to talk to Moses about rules for setting up cakes during the Sabbath, candles that are to burn continuously at the Tabernacle, etc.  I guess as Yahweh is talking to Moses, a half Egyptian/half Israelite gets in a fight with an Israelite in the camp.  He committed blasphemy by cursing Yahweh, so Yahweh decides that he be detained and stoned to death.  If you blaspheme Yahweh, of course you will be killed!  You are also to be executed if your murder someone.  This is where "eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth" comes from.  Then Moses goes and tells everyone everything that Yahweh told him, and then they detain the blasphemer and stone him to death.

25- Now Moses and Yahweh are talking at Mount Sinai, and Yahweh tells Moses more rules for land and animal cultivation, the importance of resting on the 7th year, etc.  It is in this chapter that we tet the name "Liberty Bell", because it's proclaiming liberty throughout all the land, and was used as a rallying motto for abolitionists in their fight against slavery...even though it is completely taken out of context and has nothing to do with freeing slaves.  It's just talking about how the 50th year is to be a holiday year to celebrate the Israelites' freedom from slavery!
Anyway, there's more rules for selling land to each other, not taking advantage of other members of the cult, and, of course, gotta always maintain fear of Yahweh.  If everyone follows these rules, then the land will be safe and the people will prosper.  Because no one will ever work the fields on the 7th year, Yahweh will personally guarantee that there will be a bountiful harvest on the 6th year for everyone to enjoy that will also help them to survive.
Oh, and no selling of the land permanently to anyone, because ultimately it belongs to Yahweh.  Yahweh then tells Moses about property laws and other technicalities.  He also mentions that if any Israelites become super poor and sell themselves as slaves, they are not to actually work as slaves.  Instead, only barbarians or foreigners from the surrounding lands can be slaves.  Then Yahweh tells him more rules concerning how to buy slaves and shit.

26- Yahweh then reiterates his rules regarding the Sabbath, not worshiping idols, etc.  Yahweh promises that Canaan shall be safe from invasion and also be safe from dangerous animals running amok.  They will also be given the strength to slaughter their enemies, no matter how much they are outnumbered.
BUT- if the cult disobeys Yahweh and doesn't follow his rules, bad shit will happen: they will be stricken with panic and disease, enemies will eat their crops, defeat them in battle, and rule over them.  They will run away even though nothing is chasing them.  Their sins will be punished 7x over.  The sky will be like iron (no sun?) and the earth will be like brass (drought?).  The trees will bear no fruit.  Wild animals will attack.  Their children and cattle will die.  Etc.
IF after all the turmoil they are still unbelievers, they will then have to cannibalize their kids (presumably out of starvation).  Cities will be turned to ruins, dead bodies will pile up, and it will even freak enemies out.  Also, the Israelites will be scattered into foreign lands, and Yahweh will chase them around with a sword!  As all the Israelites are scattered, the land will then heal and enjoy the Jubilee by itself with no one there to enjoy the party with it (?).  The Isralites will be terrified in these foreign lands, etc.
BUT if they confess their sins and pay for their redemption, then Yahweh supposes that he can let them back into Canaan.

27- Yahweh continues to talk to Moses, talking about the monetary worth of human life (women are worth less, of course).  Reads like tax law.

EXODUS

1- There's a new pharaoh in Egypt, and he hates the Hebrews, believing that they are more mighty than the Egyptians themselves.  So, he makes the Hebrews his slaves, but the Hebrews continue to grow.  Also, Pharaoh declares that any male Hebrew children born should be killed, but any female children are allowed to live.  However, the Hebrew women are the midwives, and they refuse to do this.  This makes Yahweh happy, so he continues to bless them with children and families.  Pharaoh continues to maintain that all newly-born Hebrew males must be thrown in the river.

2- A woman has a son and tries to hide him for 3 months, and then finally decides to put him on a small craft and sends him down the river.   Later, Pharaoh's daughter finds the baby with the baby's older sister, who was her handmaiden.  Somehow, the mother is found out by Pharaoh's daughter, and she is told to take care of the child for Pharaoh's daughter.   As he grows up, he is named Moses and is adopted by Pharaoh's daughter.  Moses grows up and enjoys hanging out with the Hebrews.  At one point, he sees an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, so he kills the Egyptian .  The news spreads, and so Moses flees out of Egypt to Midian.  In Midian, he finds, he finds 7 daughters of the local priest working, but they are driven away by some shepherds.  Moses intervenes and sticks up for the daughters, and soon is helping them fill up their water at the well.  They go and tell their dad, Revel (also known as Hobab or Jethro), who is so impressed that he lets Moses stay with them and gives Moses one of his daughters, Zipporah, as a wife.  Moses bangs her and they have a son, Gershom.  Pharaoh then dies.  The Hebrews hate that they're still slaves in Egypt, and their cries of grief reach Yahweh, who remembers that he made a covenant with Abraham and his future children.

3- Moses is tending to his flock near Mount Horeb (Sinai?) when he sees a burning bush, but the bush was "not consumed".  Yahweh tells Moses to take off his shoes because he is on holy ground.  Yahweh tells Moses that he's going to free the Hebrews and bring them back to Canaan, "a land flowing with milk and honey", but is also unfortunately occupied by other people (Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites).  Yahweh will also help Moses by smiting the Egyptians, and giving the Hebrew women permission to steal treasure from the Egyptian families.  Yahweh also informs Moses that he will be the leader of the Hebrews, and Moses is to say that Yahweh ("I am") sent him to lead them out of Egypt.

4- So Moses is worried that the Hebrews won't believe him as the spokesman of Yahweh, and Yahweh gives him a couple of tests in order to demonstrate his mighty power.  Yahweh turns Moses' staff into a snake, and then makes Moses pick it up.  However, when he does it becomes a staff again.  Then Yahweh tells him to put his hand inside his clothes, and when Moses takes his hand back out it's leprous (or some other severe skin condition)!  Whoa! Yahweh then says that if the Hebrews still don't believe them, then he is to take some water from the Nile and pour it on the ground, and it will turn to blood.  Moses is still unsure of himself because he's no confident in his speaking skills, so Yahweh assures him of his divine power.  However, Moses still isn't convinced, and this pisses off Yahweh. So, Yahweh says that Moses' brother, Aaron, is coming to meet Moses to help him, and that Moses will be able to tell Aaron what to say (I guess Aaron is a better public speaker?), and also that Yahweh will help both of them and teach them what to do.  However, it's still important for Moses to keep the staff so he can use it to perform divine magic.   Moses then tells Jethro that he wants to go back to Egypt, and Jethro says it's cool.  Yahweh also tells Moses that he doesn't need to be scared of being arrested, because all of the people who were looking for him are dead (!).  Moses then takes his family to Egypt.  Yahweh then says that Moses is to go before Pharaoh and perform the miracles, but also that Yahweh will make Pharaoh be a dickhead and say no to freeing the Hebrews (!!).  Then Moses is to tell Pharaoh that the Hebrews ("Israel") are (is) Yahweh's "first-born son" (confusing passage), and that they must be freed so they can freely worship their father.  However, because Pharaoh won't let the Hebrews go, Yahweh will retaliate by killing Pharaoh's firstborn son.
Anyway, so on the way to Egypt, Moses' family stops at a lodging place.  In an extremely bizarre change of heart, Yahweh suddenly decides that he is going to kill Moses (what?!?!)!!  Thinking quickly, Zipporah immediately grabs a flint knife and circumcises Gershom, anointing Moses' feet with the blood (WTF).  By doing this, Yahweh is satisfied and decides not to kill Moses.
Then Yahweh tells Aaron to meet Moses in the wilderness.  So, Moses and Aaron meet and go over everything Yahweh told Moses, and also what they have been commanded to do.  Upon arriving in Egypt (apparently?), Moses and Aaron then meet with the Hebrew elders and go over everything that Yahweh has commanded be done.  Aaron then performs the divine magic and tells them that Yahweh cares about them, and the elders bow down in worship and veneration.

5- Moses and Aaron then go to the Pharaoh and demand in the name of Yahweh to let the Hebrews go so they can go into the wilderness and start a Yahweh cult.  Moses and Aaron say that if they aren't let go, Yahweh will get pissed off and have bad things happen to them.  Pharaoh just think that the Hebrew slaves have too much free time, and gives them even more work to do.  Moses goes to Yahweh and asks him WTF is going on.

6- Moses talks to Yahweh some more, more family tree stuff, we find out that apparently Moses is a product of incest, and that Yahweh says his real name is Yahweh (YHWH/Jehovah), and that Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob didn't know his real name.

7- So, Moses and Aaron perform more divine magic for Pharoah, but Pharaoh's sorcerers can cast the same spells.  Also, because Yahweh hardened Pharaoh's heart, Pharaoh refuses to let the slaves go.  WTF!! WHY??  So Yahweh then tells Moses to go to the river in the morning when Pharaoh is there and to use his rod to turn the river into blood, killing all of the fish and making it smell bad.  Aaron is to do the same, but this time with all of the bodies of water in Egypt!  Apparently, Pharaoh wasn't impressed (?), and his sorcerers did the same thing.  So, Moses then summons frogs to come up out of the water, and they go everywhere.  Pharaoh still isn't impressed.  Of course, his sorcerers do the same thing.

8- Pharaoh still doesn't allow the slaves to go free.  Moses then summons lice from the dust of the earth.  This time, Pharaoh's wizards aren't able to reproduce this spell.  The wizards themselves are convinced that Moses and Aaron are legit divine magic spellcasters truly blessed with the power of Yahweh.  Power of Yahweh or no, Pharoah still doesn't give a fuck.  So, Moses then summons flies to plague the land.  Pharoah FINALLY relents and says that the slaves can go out to the wilderness to worship Yahweh for a few days, so Yahweh finally lets upon the plagues.  However, Pharaoh suddenly changes his mind and says that the slaves can't go out anymore!  OMG.

9- Pissed off, Yahweh kills all the work animals (except for the cattle of the Hebrews).  Then he causes it to hail, ad this kills everyone outside that day in Egypt except for the Hebrews, who were all in Goshen (I guess).  This also fucked up all the crops and shit.  Despite all this, the Egyptians still refuse to acknowledge the power of Yahweh.  So Yahweh STILL makes it so that Pharaoh still won't let the Hebrews go.  Even when he decides to let them go, Yahweh changes his mind to prevent this from happening.  WHYYYYYYYYY

10- Yahweh unleashes more plagues (locusts and darkness).  Then he makes Pharaoh continue to be a cunt.  Sigh.

11- Yahweh continues to be bad by unleashing plagues and shit and killing innocent people and then making it so that Pharaoh won't let the slaves go.

12- So Yahweh now wants the Jews to slaughter unblemished male lambs and smear their blood on the doors of their houses so that Yahweh will remember not to kill their children or something.  Then the Hebrews have to eat meat roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs.  THey hae to eat it quickly, wear shoes, and follow some other random rules.  All Hebrews must eat unleavened bread for 7 days.  If they eat unleavened bread even ONCE, they will be excommunicated from the Hebrews and not be blessed.  Also, they will have to do this ritual (Passover) FOREVER.  Then Yahweh goes and kills all the firstborn sons of Egypt (humans AND cattle (!?).  Even though all the cattle have already died, I guess?  Then Yahweh tells the Hebrews to go and loot all the treasure and jewelry from the Egyptians.  Yahweh actually alters the Egyptians minds so that they're happy about the Hebrews doing this too.  Then all 600,000 Hebrew slaves leave Egypt with their cattle (!) and animal flocks/herds and they wander in the desert for 40 years (or not, this is unclear).  Oh, also, no stranger, foreigner, or uncircumcised person can participate in ANY future Passovers!

13- So Yahweh is telling the Jews how to commemorate this time that Moses is leading them out of Egypt and back to Canaan.  I guess Yahweh wants the Hebrews to sacrifice the firstborn male animals in his honor.  Also, as Yahweh is leading the Hebrews through the desert, he doesn't want them to go through the land of the Philistines because there's a war there during this time?  It's possible that the Philistines don't live there yet
PENDING

14- So then Yahweh tells the Hebrews to go encamp in some sketchy place that is isolated and makes them vulnerable, then makes it so that Pharaoh will be a chode and attack them while they're chilling there.  Also, I guess the Egyptians all now know that Yahweh is, in fact, the one true god almighty, but Pharaoh and his government still doesn't?  So, he takes 600 chariots and goes to attack the Hebrews (where the hell did all the horses come from??).
Anyway, to flee the Egyptian army, Yahweh tells Moses to use his magic staff to part the sea and run through it to escape.  So, he does this.  Then when the Egyptians follow them, Yahweh tells Moses to use his magic to bring the water together, drowning the Egyptian army!

15- The Hebrews then all sing a song praising Yahweh as a mighty war god and how they defeated the Egyptians by drowning them in the sea.  Everyone is dancing and celebrating.  However, they start to run out of water as they continue to travel.  They go to some place called Morah, but they can't drink the water there because it's too bitter (?).  So Yahweh shows Moses a tree, and when they throw the tree in the water it makes the water sweet (??) so they can drink it.  Then Yahweh says that if the Hebrews continue to follow Yahweh, he won't inflict upon them all the plagues and shit that he brought upon the Egyptians.

16- Now the people are getting hungry.  Yahweh tells Moses that he will take care of the situation.  So, Yahweh hooks them up with "manna", some edible flake-like stuff that the Hebrews can grind up and bake into cakes or something.  The Hebrews ate it raw during this time, and they gathered it and ate it for the next 40 years until they finally arrived in Canaan!

17- The Hebrews are getting thirsty, again, so Yahweh stands on a rock and Moses smites the rock and water comes out.  Then the Hebrews are attacked by Amalek, the son of Eliphaz, grandson of Esau, and since Esau hated Jacob/Israel, Esau, Eliphaz, Amalek, and their descendants all hate the Israelites since they come from Jacob/Israel.  Moses chooses  Aaron and two dudes named Hur and Joshua to lead the warriors.  Moses holds up his hands, and when his hands are up the Hebrews are winning, but when his hands go down, they start to lose.  Anyway, he manages to keep them up, so the Israelites win.  Then Moses says that that Yahweh swore that the Israelites will win many battles against the Amalekites for many generations to come.

18- Meanwhile, apparently Moses had sent Zipporah, his wife, back to Zethro, her dad.  So, Jethro, Zipporah, Moses, and Moses and Zipporah's kids, Gershom and Eliezar, go to Moses' encampment in the wilderness.  Then Jethro sees that Moses is just sitting around, acting like a cult leader and telling everyone about Yahweh's rules.  Jethro then advises Moses to pick out people from the cult to help him lead.  Moses agrees, and designates sub-leaders of his cult.

19- So the Israelites are now all wandering around Mt. Sinai, and Moses goes up into the mountain to talk to Yahweh.  Yahweh tells Moses that if they obey him, he will favor them above everyone else.  The Israelites will become a kingdom of priests, and a holy nation.  Moses tells all the people about this, and they agree to follow Yahweh.  So Yahweh then tells the people to prepare for 3 days, upon which, on the third day, Yahweh will show himself to the people.  First though, everyone must wash their clothes, not have sex, and if anyone EVER touches the mountain before the third day, they will be killed!  Then Moses goes up the mountain on the third day and Yahweh comes down and talks to him, telling him not to let anyone else up (except Aaron) or else they'll be killed!

20- The 10 Commandments are given to Moses:
   1.   You shall have no gods before Yahweh.
   2.   No making any images of ANYTHING, and don't worship these images either!  Yahweh admits that he gets super jealous, and that if you make him jealous he will punish people and their descendants (to the 4th generation), but will show love to those who love and obey him for a thousand generations.
   3.   Don't misuse the name of Yahweh!
   4.   Remember the Sabbath!  On the seventh day of the week, NO WORK must be done by ANYONE.  NOT EVEN ANIMALS.
   5.   Honor your father and mother.
   6.   No murdering!
   7.   No cheating on your spouse!
   8.   No stealing!
   9.   No giving false testimony against your neighbor!
   10. No coveting of neighbors' houses, wives, servants, oxes, donkeys, or any of his property!
So then the Israelites tell Moses to act as Yahweh's interpreter, since the people will die if they talk to Yahweh themselves.  Yahweh then tells Moses to sacrifice a bunch of offerings and animals, and to make a stone altar in his honor.  However, the people aren't allowed to go up the steps of the altar because people will be able to look up your tunic and see your private parts or something.

21- Rules for slavery management.
PENDING

22- More cattle law and other commandments by Yahweh.
PENDING

23- PENDING

24- PENDING

25- Yahweh's instructions for building a sanctuary for him, in addition to a tabernacle/ark.
PENDING

26- Yahweh continues to go on and on about how to construct the ark.

27- See 26.

28- PENDING

29- Yahweh continues to explain how to worship him at the tabernacle, including the food to bring, what to wear, what to with the animals that are sacrificed, etc.

30- Yahweh continues to explain how to conduct his worship ceremonies.
PENDING

31- Yahweh continues to talk about the tabernacle.
PENDING

32- So Moses takes forever to come down from Mt. Sinai, and the people go to Aaron and I guess are mad that he's taken so long and demand new gods to worship.  Then Aaron takes the golden earrings all the people are wearing (jewelry stolen from the Egyptians, BTW), and melts them down and makes them into a golden calf, and then declares it a new god of the people.  He then builds an altar and says that the next day everyone will have a feast in honor of their new god.  So everyone obeys and offers sacrifices and eats and drinks and "plays" around the altar, whatever that means.  Yahweh finds out and is PISSED!!  He tells Moses that he wants to kill all the Israelites, and once this is done he'll let Moses start a new nation.  Moses argues with Yahweh, asking why he should kill everyone after he went to all the trouble of freeing them from the Egyptians?  Then he points out that the Egyptians might think it was bizarre that Yahweh did all of this too.  He also reminds Yahweh of the covenant he made with Abraham, Isaac, Joseph/Israel, etc.  So Yahweh changes his mind.  Then Moses comes down from Mount Sinai with his tablets and Joshua informs him that everyone is singing and partying in the camp.  Moses gets super-pissed that they're dancing, having fun, and worshiping the golden calf, so he destroys the stone tablets (?) by throwing them on the ground, and then he destroyed the golden calf idol by burning it, then grinding it into a powder, and then puts it into some water and makes everyone drink it (!).  Moses asks Aaron WTF happened, and Aaron blames the people and their mischievous ways.
PENDING

33- Then Yahweh tells Moses to continue leading the cult back to the Promised Land.  He also says that he'll send an angel before the Israelites to drive off the people living there now, but he won't go himself because he's still angry I guess and would also kill all the Israelites too in his rage.  He also keeps referring to the Israelites as a "stiff-necked" people (haha).  He also told everyone to take off their ceremonial garb because if they were wearing it he would kill them.  Moses then sets up the tabernacle far from camp and goes out there alone to talk to Yahweh.  Then a cloudy pillar descends from the sky and starts to talk to Moses.  All the Israelites see the cloudy pillar from camp and start to worship it.  Moses begins to talk to Yahweh face to face!
PENDING

34- Then Yahweh says that he's going to write up some new commandments to replace the ones that Moses broke during the Golden Calf incident.  So Moses goes and collects some new stone tablets and then goes to Yahweh to give themto him.  Yahweh then proclaims that he's merciful, gracious, long-suffering, etc., but then says that the Israelites are still to be punished for generations because of the Golden Calf incident!  Then he says that if the Israelites obey his NEW commandments, he will reward them by doing terrible things to their enemies.  Then he tells Moses to destroy all the Promised Land's altars and places of worship for their own gods, because Yahweh explains that he's incredibly jealous and can't stand people worshiping other gods.  He also says that if they don't do this, then they'll just end up making covenants with the other gods, and then everyone will become whores for other gods or something.
PENDING

35- So Moses gathers everyone together again to explain everything
PENDING

36- The Israelites then start to build a sanctuary to Yahweh. PENDING

37- The Israelites continue to build the sanctuary/Ark of the Covenant.

38- Still building it.

39- Finally finish building it!

40- Yahweh explains how to worship him at the Tabernacle.  As the Israelites travel after that, the Tabernacle is followed by Yahweh in the form of a cloud during the day, and a pillar of fire (?) at night.
PENDING