LEVITICUS

1- Yahweh continues to talk to Moses from the Tabernacle, instructing him on the proper methods and preparations for brutal animal sacrifice, such as killing bulls, sheep, doves/pigeons, etc.

2- How to make a meal offering to Yahweh.  Oh, and there's also a misprint in the KJV- it should say "meal" offering and not "meat" offering, which makes sense because it's all about how to fry up grain into cakes and unleavened bread as an offering.  It's also supposed to be Yahweh's favorite recipes, but because Yahweh doesn't actually eat it himself, Aaron's family eats it, so it kind of seems like it's just instructions on how to cook meals that are especially favored by Aaron and his family.

3- More about how to make peace offerings to Yahweh via animal sacrifice with sheep and/or goats.  Also, Yahweh apparently really likes the fat of the animals, so much so that the Israelites themselves aren't even allowed to eat any fat or blood AT ALL.  Not even in their own home!  FOREVER!!

4- How to sacrifice a bull if you accidentally sin to redeem yourself in the eyes of Yahweh.

5- Yahweh talks about stuff that makes you unclean and "guilty", like touching an animal carcass, bug carcass, or any "unclean thing" (fecal matter?).  Even if you touch it and you didn't realize or know that you touched it, you're still unclean.  In order to repent, you have to sacrifice an animal.

6- Yahweh also instructs how to give something back if you happen to steal it.  Oh, and you should sacrifice an animal if you do this.  Also, meat and bread offerings to Yahweh are to be eaten only by the priests.  You become holy in the eyes of Yahweh if  you touch the burnt offering.  Apparently, female priests are indeed allowed because it specifies that only MALE priests are allowed to eat the offerings.

7- How to properly sacrifice an animal if you commit the sin of trespassing.  Of course, it's revealed that Aaron and his family get all of the meat from this.  Also, there's rules for how to make a peace offering to Yahweh with unleavened cakes and stuff like that.  No leftovers allowed!  And no touching anything that is unclean, which applies to both you and that which you are offering to Yahweh!  If either one touches something unclean while you're doing this, you'll be exiled forever!!  Remember, no eating blood either!

8- Then Yahweh tells Moses to take Aaron and his sons and a bunch of the ceremonial garb and sacrifice offerings and to gather at the Tabernacle with the rest of the congregation.  So, they do this and then Moses washes Aaron and his sons with water, and then dresses Aaron up in the ceremonial garb.  Then they perform a sacrificial offering to Yahweh by killing a bull and doing some other weird stuff.  Then they do the same thing with a ram.  Then they do more weird stuff with the blood.  Then they have to eat and burn the food and then go into the Tabernacle for SEVEN days(!) so Yahweh can "consecrate" them, and they can't leave or else they'll die!

9- So, they do this, but then when they finish, Moses gets Aaron and the elders together to tell them that Yahweh wants more animals to be sacrificed.  So, they sacrifice more animals.  Then a fire from the Tabernacle comes out and consumes the meat, which freaks everyone out!

10- Aaron's sons then try to burn some incense for Yahweh, but Yahweh doesn't like the incense that they burn, so he straight-up kills them via BRUTAL IMMOLATION!!  Then Moses wants everyone to not uncover their heads or take off their clothes, or else they'll die.  Then Yahweh says he'll kill any priest who leaves the Tabernacle while there is still anointing oil on them, or else they will be killed!  Yahweh also says that this ritual is to be carried out repeatedly forever.  Then Moses and Aaron have some kind of argument, but they work it out.

11- Then Yahweh tells Moses and Aaron to tell all the Israelites all of the animals which they are allowed to eat, which are: (NOTE: these are not direct translations, so who knows exactly)
   -animals which chew cud AND are cloven-hoofed AND "parteth the hoof" (cows are OK, but not camels, rabbits, pigs, etc.).
   -aquatic animals that have fins and scales are OK, but if they don't have fins or scales, they are an ABOMINATION.
   -birds are OK, but not eagles, vultures, ospreys, kites, ravens, owls, night hawks, cuckoos, hawks, little owls, cormerants, great owls, swans, pelicans, grier eagles, storks, herons, lapwings, bats (bats aren't birds), and birds that "creep, going upon all four").
   -More unclean animals: weasels, mice, tortoises, ferrets, chameleons, lizards, snails, and moles.
   -flying "creeping things" that have legs are OK.  Locusts, bald locusts, beetles, and grasshoppers are OK too.
   -Any animal that walks on their paws and have four legs are also unclean.
   -ALL "creeping things" are an ABOMINATION, including "things that go on their belly" (snakes).
If you even TOUCH an unclean animal, YOU are unclean until the evening.   Anything unclean that touches something else contaminates it with uncleanliness.   Also certain seeds are unclean.

12-  Yahweh tells Moses to tell everyone that after a woman gives birth, she is unclean for 7 days.  Also, on the 8th day, the kid (if it's a boy) needs to be circumcised.  She then has to purify herself for 33 days, and can't touch anything holy or come into the sanctuary.  If her child is a girl, however, she's unclean for 14 days, and has to purify herself for 66 days!  Then she has to sacrifice a lamb as a burnt offering and a pigeon or dove as a sin offering.  If she doesn't have a lamb, 2 turtles or 2 young pigeons will suffice.

13- Leprosy protocol!  How to determine if it's leprosy or just blemishes, if the person is unclean, etc.  Also, contrary to what many believe, bald people are actually clean (haha).  Lepers also now have to tear up the clothes, not wear a head covering, and cover their upper lips and cry out that they're unclean.  The leper also has to go and live by themselves away from camp.  Also info about what to do with a leper's garments and shit.

14- Yahweh explains to Moses how to cure leprosy with divine magic.  You have to kill a bird, then take another bird (that's alive) and dip it in the blood of the dead bird, then sprinkle the blood on the leper 7x and let the living bird fly away.  Then you have to kill a lamb and wipe the blood on the leper's thumb, right ear, and big toe.  Then sprinkle oil 7x and then wipe some of the oil on the thumb, big toe, and right ear.  Repeat.  Then sprinkle the house with the blood 7x.  Also, Yahweh will unleash a plague of leprosy on the Canaanites.

15- Yahweh then tells MOses and Aaron to tell the Israelites what to do if they get an STD.  Obviously, having an STD means you are unclean.  However, every bed and seat you touch is also unclean if you have an STD.  The man will be unclean until he washes his clothes and bathes and then waits until the evening.  If the infected dude spits on you, touches you, rides on your saddle, etc., you and everything he's touched is unclean.  The infected dude has to purify himself for 7 days, and then he has to sacrifice 2 turtledoves or pigeons at the Tabernacle.  If the Tabernacle is defiled by an unclean person its presence, Yahweh will KILL them!!

16- Yahweh tells Moses to warn Aaron that he might kill Aaron too if Aaron goes to the Tabernacle, but I guess Yahweh won't be made if Aaron brings a young bull and ram to sacrifice.  Also, on behalf of everyone else, he has to sacrifice a ram and 2 more goats.  This is where the word "scapegoat" comes from!  Yahweh then goes into specifics about how he wants the goats sacrificed.  Also, apparently everyone has to do this at least once a year because everyone is sinful.

17- Yahweh continues to tell Moses to tell everyone in the cult who sacrifices an ox, lamb, or goat, without bringing it to the Tabernacle and offering it to Yahweh will be guilty of "shedding blood" by Yahweh and is to be ostracized and cut off from the cult.  Also, no more sacrifices to goat/demon idols!  And no more "eating of blood" either (this includes foreigners!), because blood is only to be used for atonement, not for food!  Also, no eating roadkill/random animal carcasses found in the wild (also includes foreigners)!

18- So Yahweh continues to talk to Moses.  He continues to stress that the cult should maintain their covenant with him, but also that there's some more shit to remember:
   -MEN: don't have sex with any close relatives, including your mom, your father's wife, your sister, any daughter of your father or mother, your son's daughter, your daughter's daughter, your father's wife's daughter, your father's sister, your mother's sister, your father's brother or his wife, your daughter-in-law, your brother's wife, a woman AND her daughter and/or close relatives all at the same time, your wife's sister, a woman on her period, another man, or an animal.
By following these rules, the cult is kept pure while all the inhabitants of the lands that the Israelites are going to drive off are doing these things, making them unclean in the eyes of Yahweh.  Even foreigners that are in the lands of the cult must follow these rules to keep the land from being defiled.  Those currently dwelling in the Promised Land defiled themselves by doing these things  Oh, and no sacrificing children to Molech!  If you commit ANY of these sins, the land will "vomit you out" as it has "vomited out" the nations before you!  If you do any of this shit, you are to be shunned by the cult.

19- Yahweh continues by telling Moses more rules:
   -You have to be "holy" because Yahweh himself is holy.
   -Israelites must respect their parents, observe the Sabbath and not worship idols.
   -If you make a sacrifice to Yahweh, you have to eat it (if it's edible, I guess) within 2 days or else on the third day Yahweh will consider it abominable and you will get kicked out of the cult.
   -Don't reap the edges of the field during the harvest or glean because the gleanings should be given to poors and foreigners.
   -Don't lie, cheat, or steal, falsely swear something in Yahweh's name.
   -Don't keep money from workers if you're the boss and pay them the next day.  Instead, pay them the day of their work.
   -Don't fuck with deaf or blind people.
   -Be fair in your judgements.
   -Don't favor the rich OR the poor.
   -Don't spread slander.
   -Don't endanger your neighbor's life.
   -Don't hate your fellow Israelite, if you have a problem be up-front and don't keep it inside.
   -Don't seek revenge or bear grudges.
   -Don't breed different kinds of animals with each other.
   -Don't plant two different seeds in the same field.
   -Don't wear clothing woven with 2 different kinds of material.
   -If a man has sex with a female slave but she's been promised to another man and has not yet been freed, then the slave must be punished (but not killed).  However, the man sacrifice a ram at the Tabernacle in order to calm Yahweh down.
   -Also, if you plant a fruit tree, you must not eat the fruit for 3 years.  The 4th year fruit must be offered to Yahweh.   5th year fruit is fair game.
   -REMEMBER not to eat any meat with blood still in it.
   -No divination, seeking of omens, enchantments, arcane magic, etc.
   -Don't cut your hair on the side of your head or cut your beard.
   -Don't cut open dead people
   -No tattoos!
   -Don't make your daughter a prostitute!  This will cause an epidemic prostitution and wickedness!
   -Revere Yahweh's sanctuary.
   -No seeking out wizards, fortune-tellers, mediums, etc. because they will defile you!
   -Stand up in the presence of old people.
   -Show respect for the elderly.
   -Fear/revere Yahweh!
   -Don't fuck with foreigners, treat them with respect, because the Israelites were foreigners once in Egypt and it sucked.
   -Don't be dishonest in measuring lengths, weights, quantities, be honest about that shit.
   -Remember to follow all of these laws!!

20- Yahweh continues talking to Moses.  MORE RULES:
   -If any Israelite or foreigner sacrifices any children to Molech, they are to be killed via stoning!   If the people don't do this or are unaware of sacrifices to Molech, Yahweh will personally kick the guilty out of the cult on charges of blasphemy.  The same goes for anyone else who follows wizards, mediums, etc.
   -Israelites are to consider themselves sacred and holy.
   -If you curse your mother or father, you are to be executed!!
   -If a man bangs another man's wife, both are to be executed!  Same goes for if a man bangs his father's wife, his daughter-in-law, another man, OR if a man marries a woman and her mother at the same time, yep- execution!
   -No having sex with animals!
   -If a man marries his sister or daughter of his mom or dad and they have sex, they're kicked out of the cult.
   -No sex with a sister of either of your parents'!
   -No sex with aunts!
   -No marrying a brother's wife!
   -If anyone performs unauthorized arcane magic, they are to be killed!
All of the Canaanites currently living there do this shit, and it pisses Yahweh off.   So the Israelites can't do this stuff too or obey the old laws of the Canaanites.  Yahweh's laws make the Israelites clean, therefore making anyone who doesn't follow Yahweh's laws unclean.

21- Yahweh tells Moses about rules priests have to follow regarding corpses.  Priests also aren't allowed to shave their heads, their beards, or cut their bodies (?).  They also can't marry prostitutes or divorced women .  Any daughter of a priest who becomes a prostitute is to be burned to death (!!).  Also, if the priest is to marry a woman, she MUST be a virgin AND an Israelite.  No prostitutes, widows, or divorcees allowed!  As for Aaron, if any of his offspring have any sort of defect, they are not allowed to make any sort of offering to Yahweh.  In fact, NO ONE is allowed to approach the Tabernacle if they are blind, lame, a dwarf, flat-nosed, have damaged testicles (haha wtf), broken hands/feet, scurvy, scabs, or anything else.  They can still eat the bread of the offering, though.  The reason why they can't come to the Tabernacle though is because Yahweh considers their presence a desecration of his sanctuary!

22- Yahweh continues to tell Moses more stuff.  The usual stuff- keep away from unclean stuff, especially if you're going to be dealing with holy stuff.  And no slaves or foreigners are allowed to eat "holy things", I guess which means stuff meant for sacrifices.  Priest's slaves can eat holy stuff, though.  Also, Yahweh likes animal sacrifices to be from animals that are male and perfect, no fucked up animals or animals with blemishes and shit.  Foreigners aren't allowed to offer sacrifices.  Animals must be aged for 8 days at least before being sacrificed.  AND, no killing an animal mom and her offspring on the same day!

23- Yahweh continues to talk to Moses.  He talks about how important it is for the Israelites to work for 6 days, but NOT on the 7th day (the Sabbath).  Also talks about rules for Passover, unleavened bread, etc., in addition to rules for animal sacrifice during this time.  Feast dates and stuff.

24- Yahweh continues to talk to Moses about rules for setting up cakes during the Sabbath, candles that are to burn continuously at the Tabernacle, etc.  I guess as Yahweh is talking to Moses, a half Egyptian/half Israelite gets in a fight with an Israelite in the camp.  He committed blasphemy by cursing Yahweh, so Yahweh decides that he be detained and stoned to death.  If you blaspheme Yahweh, of course you will be killed!  You are also to be executed if your murder someone.  This is where "eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth" comes from.  Then Moses goes and tells everyone everything that Yahweh told him, and then they detain the blasphemer and stone him to death.

25- Now Moses and Yahweh are talking at Mount Sinai, and Yahweh tells Moses more rules for land and animal cultivation, the importance of resting on the 7th year, etc.  It is in this chapter that we tet the name "Liberty Bell", because it's proclaiming liberty throughout all the land, and was used as a rallying motto for abolitionists in their fight against slavery...even though it is completely taken out of context and has nothing to do with freeing slaves.  It's just talking about how the 50th year is to be a holiday year to celebrate the Israelites' freedom from slavery!
Anyway, there's more rules for selling land to each other, not taking advantage of other members of the cult, and, of course, gotta always maintain fear of Yahweh.  If everyone follows these rules, then the land will be safe and the people will prosper.  Because no one will ever work the fields on the 7th year, Yahweh will personally guarantee that there will be a bountiful harvest on the 6th year for everyone to enjoy that will also help them to survive.
Oh, and no selling of the land permanently to anyone, because ultimately it belongs to Yahweh.  Yahweh then tells Moses about property laws and other technicalities.  He also mentions that if any Israelites become super poor and sell themselves as slaves, they are not to actually work as slaves.  Instead, only barbarians or foreigners from the surrounding lands can be slaves.  Then Yahweh tells him more rules concerning how to buy slaves and shit.

26- Yahweh then reiterates his rules regarding the Sabbath, not worshiping idols, etc.  Yahweh promises that Canaan shall be safe from invasion and also be safe from dangerous animals running amok.  They will also be given the strength to slaughter their enemies, no matter how much they are outnumbered.
BUT- if the cult disobeys Yahweh and doesn't follow his rules, bad shit will happen: they will be stricken with panic and disease, enemies will eat their crops, defeat them in battle, and rule over them.  They will run away even though nothing is chasing them.  Their sins will be punished 7x over.  The sky will be like iron (no sun?) and the earth will be like brass (drought?).  The trees will bear no fruit.  Wild animals will attack.  Their children and cattle will die.  Etc.
IF after all the turmoil they are still unbelievers, they will then have to cannibalize their kids (presumably out of starvation).  Cities will be turned to ruins, dead bodies will pile up, and it will even freak enemies out.  Also, the Israelites will be scattered into foreign lands, and Yahweh will chase them around with a sword!  As all the Israelites are scattered, the land will then heal and enjoy the Jubilee by itself with no one there to enjoy the party with it (?).  The Isralites will be terrified in these foreign lands, etc.
BUT if they confess their sins and pay for their redemption, then Yahweh supposes that he can let them back into Canaan.

27- Yahweh continues to talk to Moses, talking about the monetary worth of human life (women are worth less, of course).  Reads like tax law.