JOSHUA

1- So Moses is dead, and Yahweh is talking to Joshua as the new leader of the cult.  Yahweh tells Joshua that it's time to cross the Jordan River and go into the Promised Land.  The territory is to be from the desert (?) to Lebanon, and from the Euphrates River to the Mediterranean Sea.  Yahweh seems to be just as committed to Joshua as he was to Moses, and promises that no one in the Holy Land will be able to stop the cult from taking over as long as they have the power of Yahweh.  Joshua then declares that the cult will depart in 3 days.  For some reason, Joshua then says that the tribes of Reuben, Gad, and the "half-tribe" (?) of Manasseh can stay behind and chill east of the Jordan River, but will still have to send their warriors with the cult to go take over.  Because some of the Promised Land is east of the Jordan River, it makes sense that they would have to stay behind to defend it.  Also, if anyone rebels against Joshua, they'll be executed!

2- Joshua then sends 2 spies to go check out the Promised Land and see what they would be up against.  However, they decided to take a detour, and ended up at a prostitute's (named Rahab) house in Jericho.  The King of Jericho finds out that the spies are chilling at Rahab's, so he sends a message to Rahab telling her to bring the spies to him.  The prostitute lies and says that the spies left, but really she had hid them on the roof of her brothel.  After the king's men leave to go search for the spies elsewhere, Rahab goes and tells the spies that she helped them because she had stories of the cult's power and their mighty god, and also that everyone was afraid of them.  She then begs the spies to spare her and her family's lives when they invade the city.  Then the spies escape her house (which is actually located inside the walls of Jericho, apparently) through a window by using a red chord with a rope.  They then tell Rahab to get her family together and not let them outside of the house because if they leave and are slaughtered during the invasion, the cult won't be held responsible.  Also, they are to identify which house is hers because she'll tie the red chord on the window of her house.  So, Rahab agrees to all of this, and then the spies leave and hide out for a few days in the hills nearby before returning to Joshua to tell him about what happened.

3- Before crossing the Jordan River, the cult camps out.  Then they're told by officials that the Ark of the Covenant is going to be brought through the camp to lead the way, but everyone has to stay back like 3000 feet.  Then Yahweh tells Joshua to get everyone and consecrate themselves, for tomorrow will be an amazing day.  Then Yahweh tells Joshua that he will prove to the Israelites that Joshua is the rightful leader by doing something cool.  The priests then carry the Ark of the Covenant into the Jordan River, and the water immediately stops flowing.  It actually stops at a city called Adam, and the water flowing into the Dead Sea is completely cut off.  By parting the river like this, the Israelites are able to cross the river!

4- Once the Israelites cross the river, Yahweh tells Joshua to tell the 12 leaders of the tribes to take 12 stones from the river and place them where they made camp as a memorial.  Meanwhile, about 40,000 warriors of the cult march through the plains of Jericho.  Invasion is imminent! The cult then marches into the region of Gilgal, on the eastern border of Jericho.  But then then the cult sets up
PENDING

5- The Amorite and the Canaanites heard about what happened at the Jordan River, and so they were scared.  Meanwhile, Joshua decides that it's circumcision time!  Apparently, there were a bunch of uncircumcised dudes running around in the cult.  They actually named this place Gibeath Haaraloth, which means "Hill of the Foreskins" (!!!).  Then they celebrated Passover and ate some manna and stuff.
Anyway, the cult got closer to the city of Jericho, and a mysterious dude appears with a sword in hand, telling them that he is a commander of Yahweh's army who has been sent to help them.  Then he tells Joshua to take off his shoes because he is on hallowed ground.

6- Yahweh then tells Joshua the plan.  The cult is to march around the city for 6 days, and then on the 7th day the priests are to blow trumpets made of ram's horns while marching, then everyone in the army to shout, and the walls of the city will collapse and the cult will attack!  So, the Israelites do this, but before they shout, Joshua reminds them to remember to spare Rahab the Prostitute and her family, and also to "keep away from the accursed thing" (?) and save all the gold and silver for Yahweh (of course).
Anyway, so the trumpets are blown, the army shouts, Jericho's walls collapse, and the army charges!  Then they commit mass genocide by slaughtering men, women, young children, old people, cattle, donkey, and sheep.  However, they do manage to save Rahab and her family, relocating them to a place outside the cult's encampment.  Then they demolish the entire city.  Joshua says that anyone who tries to rebuild the city will be cursed by Yahweh.  The notoriety of the cult then spreads throughout the land.

7- The Israelites couldn't handle the success while still having complete faith in Yahweh, as a dude named Acham pisses off Yahweh by being "unfaithful".
Anyway, Joshua begins to send spies out from Jericho to go check out the city of Ai.  When the spies return, they report that the city seems kind of small an easily conquerable, so there was no need to send out the entire Israelite army.  Joshua then sends 3000 men to march on Ai, but fails in taking the city, and 36 Israelite warriors are killed.
So, Joshua and the elders became really upset, and ask Yahweh why he let them into the Promised Land in the first place if they were just going to fail?  Yahweh then tells them that he's pissed off because of Acham being unfaithful, and demands that those who are guilty of stealing or sinning be burned alive!  So, they go and get Achan, and he confesses to his sins.  He had also taken a beautiful Babylonian robe and some other treasure and money for himself.  So, Acham gives all the stuff back and he, his family, and his animals are stoned to death and/or burned alive!  Then they piled a bunch of rocks on top of Achan, which are still there to this day (at least till at the time that the Book of Joshua was written).

8- Yahweh then tells Joshua to go and attack Ai.  He tells Joshua to do to Ai the same thing that they did to Jericho, except this time, the cult is free to plunder and carry off any livestock they want and shit.  Also, make sure to ambush the city from behind!
So, Joshua takes 30,000 warriors and sends 5,000 of them to go and hide out behind the city.  Then the main cult army will attack the city and run away, and when the enemy chases them the 5,000 warriors will attack the city from behind.  So eventually the king of Ai sends out his army to fight the Israelites, and of course the city was left wide open.  So, the 5,000 elite troops then go into Ai and burn it down, and then ambush the Ai army from behind.  The Ai army was then caught between the two Israelite armies, and the Ai army is completely annihilated (except for the king).  Then EVERYONE in Ai is slaughtered, including men, women, and children.  The livestock is taken by the Israelite army, and all of the treasure is plundered.  Ai is then left as a smoldering heap of ruin.  The King of Ai was left impaled on a pole until the evening, and then was buried under a pile of rocks.
Anyway, later on Joshua builds an altar to Yahweh on Mount Ebal, as Moses had commanded them to do, and they followed Moses' instructions on how to do this.  Then Joshua read of all the blessings and curses that had been written in the Book of Law (the Pentateuch?).

9- When all of the Israelite's neighbors (the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites) hear about what happened, they forge an alliance to fight against the mighty cult.  However, the people of the ancient Canaanite city of Gibeon (the Hivites) decided to pull a fast one and avoid destruction by dressing like a bunch of poor people and then going into the cult's encampment at Gilgal to try and join them, saying that they were poor, desperate travelers from distant lands.  The Israelites more or less believe them, and decide to take them in.  3 days later, however, the truth comes out, but because the Israelites had sworn a peace oath with the Hivites, they couldn't kill them.  So they allowed them to live peacefully in their camp, but they had to work as laborers for the cult, and were cursed to having this be their permanent job, forever.

10- Adonizidek ("Lord of Righteousness" / "My Lord is Righteousness"), king of Jerusalem, hears about what happens and freaks out.  The Israelites must be stopped now!  An army must be raised to smash Gibeon for joining with the cult.  Joshua then gathers his own army to set out and defend Gibeon from the allied forces of Jerusalem, Hebron, Jarmuth, Lacish, and Eglon.  Yahweh then tells Joshua not to fear!  The Israelites then ambush the Adonizidek's allied army, and with the help of Yahweh they cast some confusion magic and are victorious in battle.  Yahweh then hurls down hailstones, slaughtering many of the cult's enemies.
Before the battle happened, though, Joshua asked Yahweh to make the sun and moon stand still for an entire day (24 hours?) so that it wouldn't get dark, thus preventing the enemies from hiding.  The cult's army then returned with Joshua back to the camp at Gilgal.  I should also note that Joshua mentions that this was a prophecy in the The Book of Jasher ("Sefer Hayashar", or "Book of the Upright One"), some mysterious unknown, forgotten, or untranslated book.
Anyway, the 5 Amorite kings then flee and hide in a cave at Makkedah.  Then Joshua orders the cult to roll boulders up to the mouth of the cave and then posted some guards to prevent them from escaping.  Also, continuing to chase down and slaughter the enemy armies after this, Joshua and his army returned to the cave and open it up to capture the 5 kings.  Then he executes them by impaling them on poles (or hangs them from trees, unclear) until the evening, then he throws their bodies into the cave and seals it up again with the boulders.
Then Joshua takes the Israelite army to the city of Makkedah and slaughters everyone inside.  Then they do the same at Libnah, Lachish, Gezer (who had come to help Lachish), Eglon, Hebron, Debir, and then end up slaughtering everyone else in the entire region! Then the cult returns to Gilgal.

11- Time for more slaughter!  A giant allied army is formed by a bunch of kings: Jabin (king of Hazor), Jobab (king of Madon), the kings of Shimron and Akshaph, the kings of the northern mountains, the king(s) in the Arabah (south of Kinnereth), the king(s) in the western foothills, the king(s) in Naphoth Dor in the west, the king(s) of the Canaanites in the east and west, the king(s) of the Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites and Jebusites in the hill country, and to the king(s) of the Hivites (below Hermon in the region of Mizpah). This army had as many soldiers as grains of sand on the beach!!  They all made camp at the waters of Merom to fight against the Israelites.
Yahweh then tells Joshua not to be scared!  Also, after the battle is over, the cult is to also hamstring the enemy's horses and burn their chariots.  Obviously, the Israelites win, and after the battle Joshua does as Yahweh directed him to do.  Then they go and slaughter everyone in Hazor and burn it to the ground.  Then the cult takes over all of the major cities and slaughters everyone while pillaging their shit.  So, to make a long story short, the cult takes over and kills everyone.  Also, these kings had declared war on the Israelites because Yahweh had possessed them and forced them to do so, thus resulting in their extermination.
Then the cult slaughters the Anakites (giants!) of the hill country (from Hebron, Debir, and Anab to Judah, and maybe some other places).  The only survivors apparently lived in the cities of Gaza, Gath, and Ashdod.
Anyway, the entire Promised Land east of the Jordan River was now conquered by the cult, and it was divided into tribal provinces.

12- An inventory of all of the defeated kings...basically, a recap.  31 kings in total were slaughtered (along with most/all of their people, of course).

13- The cult wasn't finished though, according to Yahweh! There was still more land to conquer!  In fact, Yahweh says that some this land he will actually conquer himself, for the cult.  The land was then to be divided by the 9 tribes and the half-tribe of Manasseh (since the other half had remained east of the Jordan River).  Also, the tribe of Levi was to receive no provincial territory since they got to have all of the food offerings and shit.  Then it just goes into extreme detail about how the land east of the Jordan River was to be divided.

14- Details of the how the lands west of the Jordan River were divided.  Also, Caleb (from Deuteronomy, Chapter 1) gets his inheritance, too, and Joshua blesses him.

15- More territory allotment for the tribes.  Also, Caleb led an army to fight off 3 giants- Sheshai, Ahiman,  and Talmaj, all who were sons of Anak. Then he marches on Debir (I guess this is a recap? Unclear), promising his daughter in marriage to anyone who can take the city.  Othniel, Caleb's nephew, manages to conquer the city, so Caleb gave his daughter to him for marriage (they're cousins! :D).  They also get some extra inheritance land or something..  Then there is just more extreme detail about the inheritance of Judah.  Also, I guess there were still some holdouts in Jerusalem (the Jebusites) who couldn't be defeated, so they were just allowed to live in the Israelite's kingdom (doesn't this mean that Yahweh DIDN'T fulfill his part of the Covenant?).

16- Description of the borders for the lands of Ephraim and Manasseh.  Also, another example of Yahweh not fulfilling his end of the bargain.  The Canaanites living at Gezer couldn't be defeated, so they were allowed to just chill, too.

17- More allotments this time.  Also, Yahweh breaks the Covenant by not helping drive out several cities of Canaanites, so instead they were just enslaved later when the cult grew more powerful.  Also, I guess some of the Israelites (the Josephites) aren't happy with their allotment.  Joshua tells them to go fight the giants in the forest nearby.  The people are scared, but Joshua assured them that they can do it.

18- The cult then has a huge meeting at the city of Shiloh.  7 tribes also still had yet to receive their inheritance allotment.  Joshua tells them to go out and survey the rest of the land to get an idea of the how to divide it up.  So they do this, and then come back and began to work out how to divide up the land.
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19- More details on allotments for the tribes of Simeon, Zebulun, Issachar, Asher, Naphtali, Dan, and also Joshua's family got their own city- Timnath Serah.

20- More explanation of the whole "city as a refuge from accidental killings so the killer won't be killed by the avenger of blood" rules.

21- What about Levite towns?  I guess they get some after all, which is detailed here.  Also, it says here that Yahweh fulfilled his end of the Covenant with the cult, but we know that this isn't true because earlier it said that there were still some enemies that couldn't be conquered who remained in the land.  I guess because they were incorporated into the cult's empire eventually?
PENDING

22- Joshua sends the tribes of Reuben, Gad, and the half-tribe of Manasseh back across the Jordan River.  However, soon the western tribes heard that the eastern tribes had built a big sacrificial altar.  Presuming that they had turned their backs on the cult, the cult send elders to go and check out what was going on.  Luckily, it was all a big misunderstanding!  The eastern tribes had built that altar in order to sacrifice to Yahweh, so that in the future there would be no mistake that they too were indeed members of the cult of Yahweh.  Also, the altar was given the name "A Witness Between Us That the Lord is Yahweh".

23- At this point, Joshua is old as fuck.  Joshua reiterated the rules of the Covenant.  Also, more rules for how to deal with the conquered people living within the Promised Land.  Besides the obvious stuff, Yahweh stressed that there was to be no associating or intermarrying with infidels outside of the cult!!

24- Joshua basically recaps the story so far, starting from Genesis.  He also explicitly reiterates no following of other foreign gods or deities.  Then the Israelites make a new covenant with Yahweh that reaffirms all the rules and shit.  Joshua also sets up a boulder "to act as witness" for some reason.  Then everyone was dismissed and goes back to their respective lands that they've been alotted.  Joshua then dies (!) at the tender age of 110.  He was buried at Timnath Serah.  Joseph's bones were then buried at Shechem.  Then Eleazar (son of Aaron) dies and is buried at Gibeah.