DEUTERONOMY

1- So Moses then addresses the Israelites after they defeat the Amorite kings Sihon and Og.  Moses tells everyone that it's time to leave Mount Horeb (Sinai?) and to invade the rest of the neighboring lands and peoples because Yahweh promised this land to Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and their descendants, so its their birthright.  However, at this point the cult has just gotten too big, and Moses feels like it's up to the different tribes to choose a man who is old, wise, and respected, to help manage the cult.  These men were then appointed as leaders.
Yahweh then actually says something nice/smart- that the leaders are to also be the judges of the people, and to judge fairly!  Even with disputes between Israelites AND foreigners!  Also, if any case is too difficult to judge, then Yahweh will judge the case, personally.  Anyway, the cult then continues its journey all the way to Kadesh Barnea, the location where the Israelites had the whole "breaking of the rocks for water" incident.  This is also located in the hill country of the Amorites, so there were giants around.
Anyway, the cult sends out spies (the 12 leaders) and they scope out the place, finding that it is indeed good land.  They then bring back fruit from the Valley of Eshkol as proof of this.
However, the cult was intimidated by the Amorites being giants and having well-fortified cities and shit.  On top of this, they also had to go up against the Anakites, who maybe were also giants as well.  So of course, Yahweh is still upset that the cult still hasn't trusted fully in his powers (except for Caleb).  So, that's why only Caleb (and apparently Joshua, as stated earlier) will be allowed in along with the kids and unborn of the cult.  Not even Moses will be allowed in!  Everyone else is to turn back and go to the Red Sea to live out their days.  The cult tries to protest, saying that they'll be good and fight and stuff, but it's too late!  Yahweh won't be there to protect them if they go and fight (which is why the Amorites were able to fuck the cult up when they attacked them previously).  The cult not having enough faith is also why they have been wandering around in the desert for years as well.

2-  So I guess it's time for the cult to wander around some more.  They head towards the Red Sea, and are in the hill country of Seir.  Then Yahweh gets bored and tells the cult to head back north through the territory of some of the descendants of Esau, who I guess broke away from the cult awhile ago.  Anyway, they're under Yahweh's protection, so Yahweh says that they are to be paid in silver for any food or water the Israelites eat or drink while passing through.
Then the cult passes through Moab, and Yahweh says not to fuck around with the Moabites since that land (or, specifically, the city of Ar) was promised by Yahweh to the Moabites, are the descendants (via incest) of Lot.
Then the as an aside, it's explained that Ar (Moab?) used to belong to the Emites, who were also giants (like the Anakites and Amorites), and were considered to be Rephaites.  As we recall, Rephaites are a grace of giants whom the Ammonites (another kingdom) referred to as the "Zamzummin" (due to their speech sounding like buzzing).  Anyway, Yahweh crushed them and drove them out for the Moabites, and also did the same shit for the descendants of Esau (at Seir), which originally belonged to the Horites.
Anyway, then Yahweh tells the cult to go cross the Zered Valley.  At this point, it's been 38 years of wandering around since they left Kadesh Barnea.  The generation of people who had pissed off Yahweh had finally died off, so Yahweh felt that it was finally time to get shit going!
Yahweh also mentions that there were some people/giants dwelling in Gaza too, but they had either been conquered by the Caphtorites (a people from either Egypt or maybe Crete, Cyprus, or somewhere else).
Then Yahweh says to go and cross the Arnon Gorge, and Yahweh will grant the cult victory agaisnt Sihon the Amorite, ruler of Heshbon.  Yahweh then says that on this day forth, all of the nations will hear of the cult, and fear them!
Then the Israelites arrive at the Desert of Kedemoth, sending messages of peace to King Sihon, and asking for safe passage through Heshbon.  However, King Sihon refuses to let them in because Yahweh manipulates his brain into making him be a dick.  So the cult uses this dickery as an excuse to declare war, and they fight the king and his army of Heshbonites at the Battle of Jahaz, and of course the Israelites completely obliterates all human life in the kingdom, including men, women, AND children.  Animals, however, are spared (at least).  Then, one by one, the towns of Heshbon fall to the cult, and all of the people living in these towns are systematically exterminated.  However, they still made sure not to enter into the land of the Ammonites or the other places Yahweh didn't want them to go.
Then the cult arrives at the desert of Kedemoth, sending messages of peace to the king (Sihon) and asking for safe passage through Heshbon.  However, Sihon refuses to let them in because Yahweh manipulates his brain into making him be an asshole.   So, the cult uses this as an excuse to declare war.  The cult fights King Sihon and the Heshbonites at the Battle of Jahaz, and obviously the cult wins and then proceeds to obliterate all human life in the kingdom, annihilating all of the men, women, AND children.  Animals, however, are spared.  One by one, the towns of Heshbon fall to the cult, and the process of ethnic cleansing is repeated.  However, no Ammonite or non-Heshbonite land was encroached upon.

3- Next up to fight is King Og of Bashan, at the battle of Edrei.  Yahweh says not to fear, since he's on the cult's side, and also to do to King Og and the Bashanites the same as they did to Heshbon.  So the Israelites abide and they go to and fuck up King Og and the entire region of Argob (Bashan).  They slaughtered EVERYONE again, from the territory to the east of Jordan, from Arnon Gorge to Mount Hermon.  Some more territory too, maybe.  Oh, and King Og was the last of the Rephaites (giants?).  The cult then divided up the land among the tribes.  Yahweh then says that the tribes can't get too comfy in these new territories, as they still have to take over the rest of the Promised Land.  Moses then tells Joshua that Joshua is to be the leader of the cult from now on, and to trust in Yahweh.  Moses isn't allowed to cross the Jordan River into the Holy Land.

4- Moses then says to not fuck around with or change the laws or words of Yahweh.  This shit is non-negotiable.  The nation of Israel is to be wise and understanding so as to be an example towards other nations as to what it's like to live with the power of Yahweh.  And remember, no idolatry, no making of images of anything living (humans, mammals, birds, fish, insects, etc.  No worshiping the sky, the stars, etc.  Yahweh is a consuming fire; a jealous god.  Also, if anyone fucks this up and starts worshiping other idols or whatever, Yahweh will destroy you!
PENDING

5- Moses then reiterates the 10 Commandments.  Yahweh then tells Moses to stay so Yahweh can go over all the teachings and laws and stuff again.

6- Moses then tells everyone to remember the 10 Commandments and Yahweh's laws by teaching them to their children, wear them as accessories, put them in your house, etc.  Remember that Yahweh brought the cult out of Egypt, and not to forget him when they're enjoying all the loot and spoils of war and the occupied cities and buildings that they have conquered.

7- Now Moses gets more metal, saying that it's time for more genocide!  All the people currently living in the Promised Land (the Hittites, Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites).  No mercy.  No peace.  Also, no intermarriage with any survivors, since the intermarriage will lead the cult members away from Yahweh.  Break down their altars.  Smash their sacred stones.  Destroy their Asherah poles, burn their idols.  Also, if you follow the commandments of Yahweh, he will bless you.  However, if you don't, he'll kill you!  Also, don't pity those whom the cult is to massacre.  That will just piss off Yahweh.  And no coveting gold or silver plunder, as this will just result in corruption.  Finally, don't bring "detestable" shit into your house, like graven images.

8- Yahweh and Moses seem to be obsessed with the idea that once people are happy and have everything in the Promised Land, they'll forget about Yahweh.  There is also a long guilt trip too about it, so don't forget about Yahweh or else he will destroy you!

9- Yahweh says that he will lead the charge on enemies in the form of a devouring fire that will obliterate the enemy!  Also, Moses says that it is not because of the cult's righteousness for why they are destroying their enemies, but it's because of the occupants' "wickedness".  Moses also guilt trips everyone again with a golden calf incident reminder (among others).

10- Recap of when Yahweh and Moses made the new 10 Commandment tablets.  These new tablets are still in the Ark.

11- More recaps and guilt trips from Moses.  Yahweh also said that he personally controls the weather and living conditions in terms of life sustainability in the Promised Land, so the cult has nothing to worry about.  Also, apparently, the Holy Land boundaries are from the desert to Lebanon, and from the Euphrates River to the Mediterranean Sea.  Moses says that Yahweh has both blessed and cursed the cult.  When the Israelites finally enter the promised land, they must proclaim from Mount Gerezim the blessing, and on Mount Ebal the curses.

12- More reminders about the importance of obliterating everything and everyone, and to build their own place of worship for Yahweh.  They must also make sure to only offer sacrifices at designated holy places, not just anywhere!  It also pisses off Yahweh that the other cults perform human sacrifice.  So, no investigation or curiosity about their pagan rites!  They worship in "abominable" ways (sodomy, etc.).

13- Also, if a prophet or soothsayer or seer or whatever comes along and performs miracles and shit and promotes a new religion, YOU MUST NOT LISTEN TO THEM!!  Yahweh is testing your faith with these charlatans.  These con artists are to be executed!  Also, if anyone else close to you (family or friends) tries to get you to join another cult, they are also to be executed via stoning!  That way, everyone in the cult will be scared and won't try to pull that shit.  Also, if a town starts to worship other gods, investigate what's going on, and if it's true then the entire town must be put to death.  Everything must be burned, too, as an offering to Yahweh.  THEN the city is to be in ruins, FOREVER.  No keeping of any of their stuff for yourself, either!

14- Moses then says that all of the cult are children of Yahweh, although he seems to be speaking metaphorically.  Then he says more dietary restrictions regarding clean and unclean animals.  No eating roadkill!  That's for vultures!  Give it to foreigners instead :)  Also, tithe rules.  1/10 of all field produce is to be set aside each year, but this tithe is then to be eaten at a designated place by Yahweh so that when you eat it and enjoy it you'll be reminded of him.  If you have too much tithe and can't move it, you can change it out for silver and then just go to the holy place and use the silver to buy the food to eat there.  Then every 3 years, bring all the tithes of the year to feed the Levites, foreigners, orphans, and widows.

15- Boring debt rules and shit.  Debts must be canceled after 7 years.  However, this only applies to fellow cult members, of course.  It even says that the cult will "lend to many nations, but borrow from none."  Also, "you will rule over many nations, but none will rule over you" (ha).  Also, Yahweh/Moses is basically saying now to not be shitty about money with each other.  If a cult member sells themselves into slavery (as an indentured servant?), they must be free by the seventh year.
Anyway, the firstborn livestock animal are to be slaughtered and eaten in honor of Yahweh, but ONLY if they have no defects.  And again, no eating of the blood!

16- Don't forget to celebrate Passover!  You have to eat unleavened bread for 7 days and all of that stuff.  The Festival of Weeks is to take place 7 weeks before the harvest, and some of the harvest is to be sacrificed to Yahweh.  The Festival of Tabernacles is to be 7 days after the food is ready to go.  Also, Judges must not be corrupt!  No bribery or bullshit!  "A bribe blinds the eyes of the wise and twists the words of the innocent."  Also, no worshiping of other gods (in case anyone forgot).

17- Yahweh/Moses reiterates animal sacrifice rules.  Also, if anyone does evil and worships other gods, kill them via stoning.  An investigation has to be conducted first tho, and a conviction can't be passed on the account of one witness.  If it's too difficult to judge, take it up with Yahweh (AKA the Levite priests).  If you express disagreement with the ruling, you will be executed!
After the Promised Land is settled, a king is to be appointed, chosen by Yahweh.  No foreigners can be king!  The king also can't be rich or wealthy, and also can't order anyone to go back to Egypt.  The king is also to always keep a copy of these laws and read them every day too.  Also, no harem :( That will lead his heart astray.

18- Rules for how food and shit is to be distributed among the Levites.  Remember!  No allotment or inheritance for these guys!
Rules regarding the occult:  Yahweh hates child sacrifice, divination, sorcery, interpretation of omens, witchcraft, spell-casting, or contacting the dead.  The pagans who are in the Holy Land do all of that shit, and Yahweh hates it!!
There is also a prophecy:  Yahweh will bring forth a prophet (like Moses), and the cult must listen to him:  this is because the cult can't directly see or hear Yahweh without dying.  Yahweh will speak through this prophet.  If you don't listen to this prophet, Yahweh will hold you personally responsible!  However, FALSE prophets or prophets of other gods are to be slain immediately.  But how are they to know if the prophet is true or false?  Well, his prophecies won't come true.

19- Reiteration of the rules involving cities as a place of refuge, in addition to a repeat of the witness rule.  "Life for life, eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, foot for a foot".  Jehovah's Witnesses use this passage as an excuse to not report child molestation or abuse since only one witness can't come forward to report a crime or sin.

20- Before a battle, men should be allowed to not fight if they have a newly built house, a new vineyard, engaged (but not yet married), or just afraid/cowardly/feint of heart.
When attacking a town, there should first be a peace offering.  If the peace offering is accepted, the people are to be enslaved.  If the peace offering is rejected, attack the town, kill all the men, and plunder everything else.  This is how to treat neighboring nations during war.  In the Promised Land, however, obliterate EVERYTHING.  Even the animals.  Everything that breathes.  The Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, and Jebusites are to all be massacred.  This is because if they are allowed to live, they will get you to follow false gods, which, of course, is explicitly forbidden by Yahweh.  Also, when besieging a city, don't cut down any fruit trees!

21- Another rule: if there is an unsolved murder case, you have to get all of the elders together, decapitate a cow near a stream in a valley, and then the elders are to wash their hands over the cow and declare that they themselves aren't the killers or witnesses to the murder, and this counts as atonement which will make Yahweh happy.
Also, it's OK to take enemy women as wives.  However, if you do this, you have to shave her head, trim her nails, and get her new clothes.  She also has to mourn her parents (who have been slain) for at least a month.  However, if the marriage doesn't work out then you have to let her go, because she's not your slave.
Inheritance laws- If a man has 2 wives but doesn't love one of them, and his firstborn son is from the unloved wife, the inheritance still should go to the firstborn son, and should actually get double the share.
If a son is rebellious towards his parents and is overall just a shitty person, he is to be executed via stoning in front of all the elders at the gate of the town.
Last, after an execution, don't leave the body hanging on a pole or tree.  Anyone left hanging will bring about a curse from Yahweh, which will desecrate the land.

22- Make sure to take care of neighbor's livestock and stuff.  Also, men should not wear women's clothing, and vice versa!  This pisses off Yahweh.  If you come across a bird's nest, you can take the young birds, but not the mother.  If someone falls from the roof of your house, it's your fault!  So build a parapet around the roof of your house to prevent injury!
No planting of two kinds of different crops in your garden.  This will defile it!
No plowing with an ox and donkey yoked together.
No clothes made of wool and linen together.
The four corners of your cloak must have tassels!

22- More complicated marriage laws.  If a woman marries a man, and the man bangs her but isn't happy with her and talks shit and claims she's not a virgin, the girls' parents can go and prove to the elders that she was a virgin by showing them her bloody bedsheets (gross).  If the elders are convinced, then the husband is to be fined 100 shekels of silver (to be given to the father of the wife).  Then, the husband isn't allowed to divorce her EVER.  However, if the parents fail to prove her virginity, she is to be executed, as it is evil to have sex before marriage!  Also, if a man commits adultery, both he and his lady on the side are to be executed.  If a man rapes a woman, he is to be killed.  If a man rapes a virgin, however, he is to pay 50 shekels of silver to the father and then must marry the daughter.  He can also never divorce her.  A man also isn't allowed to marry his father's wife or have sex with her.

23- More laws.  A eunuch is banned from entering the cult.  Bastards (and any of their descendants) are also banned.  Moabites and Ammonites are banned as well.  A treaty of friendship with these people is also forbidden.  However, Edomites are OK, as they're family.  Surprisingly, Egyptians are OK, too!  3rd generation Egyptians from now on are OK to come to join the cult in the future.
Make sure also that when you attack enemies, your camp stays clean.  Should you have a wet dream, you must stay outside of the camp!  You can go back in the next day, however, as long as you clean yourself properly.  If you have to go to the bathroom, you must go outside of the camp.  Also, make sure to bury your shit!  No one wants to step in that!  Apparently, the camp also must be kept clean because Yahweh himself makes invisible patrols and doesn't want anything in the camp that can make it impure.
As for slaves, if a runaway slave comes into the cult, don't give him back to his masters.  THey can live wherever they want, and shouldn't be given any trouble.
No cult members are allowed to be prostitutes.  Also, prostitutes (male and female) aren't allowed into a temple or place dedicated to Yahweh.  Yahweh hates prostitutes.
No charging interest among your fellow cult members.
If you swear or make a vow to Yahweh, you MUST do it.  If you go into a neighbor's garden, you can eat anything, but no taking shit with you or harvesting!

24- OK, so if a man marries a woman and doesn't like her, he can kick her out of the house.  If the woman marries another dude but that dude divorces her or dies, the first husband can't marry her again, as this will piss off Yahweh.
If a man is recently married, he doesn't have to go to war for 1 year.
If anyone tries to kidnap or enslave a cult member, they must be killed!  Also, if you have a skin disease, follow the instructions of the Levite priests exactly.
If you loan someone some money, don't collect the pledge yourself at the neighbor's house.  Stay outside and let the neighbor bring it out to you.  If they're poor, don't sleep while their pledge is in your possession.
Don't take advantage of a hired worker who is poor, regardless of if they're a foreigner or Israelite.  Pay their wages before each sunset.
Parents are not to be executed for the sins of their kids, and vice versa.  Don't deprive the fatherless or foreigners of justice.
When you are working in the fields and accidentally overlook a plant while harversting, leave it so a foreigner, orphan, or widow can have it.  The same applies to olives and vineyards.

25- Those found guilty before the judges can only receive a maximum of 40 lashes.
No muzzling of an ox while it is working the field.
If brothers are living together and one of them dies, the dead husband's wife must marry the brother.  The first son born out of this marriage is to carry on the name of the dead brother.  If the brother doesn't want to do this, he can go before the elders with the widow and she'll take off one of his sandals and spit in his face.  The man's line shall be known in the cult as "The Family of the Unsandled".
If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them goes to help her husband and grabs his opponent by his crotch, her hand is to be cut off!
Dishonesty with weights hidden in bags and scales and shit will not be tolerated.
Also, the memory (name) of the Amelekites is to be "blotted out" under heaven.
PENDING

26- Cult members have to give fruit from the first harvest as a sacrifice to Yahweh.  Yahweh then reiterates how Levites, orphans, widows, and foreigners get 10% of the tithe on the third year.  Also, Yahweh will make the cult more powerful than any other nation if they follow the rules.

27- The cult is to write down the laws on plastered stones everywhere once they conquer the Promised Land.  Then they are to make an altar to Yahweh on Mount Ebal, but are not to use any iron tools, only stones.
Then Moses and all the Levite priests say that once they cross the Jordan they will stand on Mount Gerizim and bless and curse (!) everyone.  The tribes of Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Joseph, and Benjamin all say blessings, but the tribes of Reuben, Gad, Asher, Zebulun, Dan, and Naphtali all say curses.
Then the Levites say the following curses:
1.   Anyone who makes an idol (and sets it up in secret (?)) is cursed!
2.   Anyone who dishonors their parents is cursed!
3.   Anyone who moves the boundaries of their neighbors' lands is cursed!
4.   Anyone who leads the blind astray on the road is cursed!
5.   Anyone who withholds justice from a foreigner, an orphan, or a widow, is cursed!
6.   Anyone who has sex with his father's wife is cursed!
7.   Anyone who has sex with an animal is cursed!
8.   Anyone who has sex with their sister or daughter of their father or mother is cursed!
9.   Anyone who has sex with their mother-in-law is cursed!
10. Anyone who murders their neighbor secretly (?) is cursed!
11. Anyone who accepts a bribe to murder an innocent person is cursed!
12. Anyone who doesn't uphold the law is cursed!

28- Yahweh will bless the cult in all the typical ways he has stated before if the cult obeys.  However, if they disobey, Yahweh promises that all of the blessings will be reversed, and he will plague the land with diseases and kill you!!  He will turn the sky into bronze and the ground into iron!  Your enemies will kill you!!  Animals will eat your carcasses!!  You'll have boils and tumors all over your body!  Your women will all be raped!  All sorts of horrible shit will happen!  You'll also start to worship pagan gods of wood and stone, and an enemy nation will conquer you.  The people will become like animals, resulting in cannibalism, and you'll be scattered among other nations and enslaved again in Egypt!!

29- Moses then summarizes most of what's happened.  Basically, it's a reiteration of the covenant, making this a sort of long-winded "terms of service" agreement.  You can't disobey the rules and still think you're blessed, and there are NO compromises.  If the cult fucks this up, the land will be a burning waste of salt and sulfur, like Sodom and Gomorrah.

30- If Yahweh destroys the land and scatters the Israelites, they can only return once they agree to turn back to Yahweh 100% with their entire heart and soul.  Moses says that there goals are attainable, and you don't have to ascend to Heaven or cross the sea to achieve them.  The power is within!

31- Moses then says that he's too old (he's 120) and once again states that Joshua is to be the new leader of the cult, so he'll lead the people into the Promised Land after they (and Yahweh) annihilate all of the people living there.
Also, the laws of Yahweh are to be read every 7 years during the Festival of the Tabernacle.
Then Yahweh summons Moses and Joshua to the Tabernacle, and appears as a cloud pillar.  Yahweh then says that the cult is doomed to fail because they are going to start worshiping other gods, thus breaking the covenant.
Then Moses wrote down all of Yahweh's laws in a book, and instructed the Levites to always have this book close to the Ark.  Moses believes that the cult will become corrupted and messed up after he dies, so he hopes the book being there will help prevent/prolong this.  Then Moses sings a song, which starts up in the next chapter.

32- Moses' song is just a recap of everything that has happened, and also includes some guilt-tripping as well.  Then Yahweh tells Moses to go to Mount Nebo in Moab and die.  His remains are then to be gathered up by the cult.  Yahweh reiterates that Moses can't go into the Promised Land because Yahweh is still made about the Waters of Meribah incident.

33- Then Moses blesses each tribe of Israelites.

34- Then after looking around at the Promised Land from the top of the mountain, Moses dies.  He was buried in Moab, but no one today knows the location of the grave.  Even though he was 120, he was still in good health (so I guess Yahweh just decided it was time for him to die and put him down?), and the cult mourns for 30 days before Joshua is filled with the wisdom of Yahweh and is appointed the cult's new leader.  Since then, there has never been as great a prophet as Moses.