NUMBERS

1- So it's been a little over a year since the Israelites left Egypt, and they're in the wilderness of Sinai.  Yahweh tells Moses that a census of the entire community needed to be conducted by taking the names of all the men over 20 and preparing to enlist them into an army.  Because the Israelites were composed of 12 tribes (this is actually very fucking confusing, because the Bible refers to the Levites as a tribe, but are not listed in the 12 tribes below, even though they ARE mentioned in the same passage, so this is very unclear), it was up to each of the leaders of the 12 tribes to conduct the census.  The 12 tribes were:
   -REUBEN
   -SIMEON
   -JUDAH
   -ISSACHAR
   -ZEBULUN
   -EPHRAIM
   -MANASSEH
   -BENJAMIN
   -DAN
   -ASHER
   -GAD
   -NAPHTALI
Based on the numbers of the tribes, there must have been several million Israelites at this point (!).  This means that over 400 years, the population went from 70 to several million.
Also, Yahweh says that Levites (who I guess AREN'T a tribe?  Or not one of the 12? idk) are the ones who are to be the leaders of the entire cult and the only ones who are allowed to manage the Tabernacle.  If any stranger comes near the Tabernacle, they're to be killed immediately.

2- Info about the population numbers of each of the tribes.

3- As stated before, the sons of Aaron (Eleazar and Ithamar, not Nadab and Abihu because they were killed by Yahweh, duh) are to be the priests of Yahweh.  Yahweh then dictates which jobs and chores the Levites are to do and which clan within the Levites are in charge of what.  Yahweh then demands some other stuff involving money for redemption, a bit confusing.

4- Yahweh goes on about proper Tabernacle maintenance and which families are in charge of what.

5- Yahweh tells Moses to then kick out all of the lepers and diseased people from the cult, leaving them to just die in the desert, I guess.  Yahweh doesn't want gross people defiling his shit!  Also, if anyone sins, they have to confess their sin and pay money, plus interest, to the person they harmed, among other things.  If a woman is suspected of being unfaithful, the preiest is to have the woman drink some water blessed by divine magic.  If her thighs rot and her belly swells, then she's guilty.  If nothing happens, then she's innocent.  Either way, it's all the woman's fault and the man shares no blame HAHAHA.  I guess if she's guilty she'll be exiled from the cult because she'll be considered a curse among her people.

6- Yahweh then tells Moses that if someone wants to pledge themselves to Yawheh or dedicate themselves in a special way, then they can't drink wine, anything fermented, vinegar, etc.  Also, not grape juice or raisins!  Not even grade skins or seeds!  Also, during this time, no razors are to be used on their head, no cutting of any hair on their head/face.  AND no going near corpses!  If someone dies suddenly in their presence, they have to shave their heads on the 7th day and then the next day sacrifice 2 young pigeons at the Tabernacle.  They they have to do the vow process all over again, but must also remember to sacrifice a lamb.  Anyway, when the holy period of dedication and vows is over, they have to sacrifice more animals and unleavened bread with oil and stuff.  THen they have to shave their heads and burn their hair (!).  Then Yahweh tells Moses to tell Aaron and his sons about this priestly blessing.

7- How to sacrifice animals properly at the Tabernacle.

8- The first appearance of the Menorah?  Yahweh tells Moses that all of the Levites are to shave everything, wash their clothes, and purify themselves, and then they have to sacrifice some bulls, and then the Levites are to be Yahweh's chosen family among the Israelites.  Also, all of the firstborn Israelites are to belong to Yahweh, including the firstborn domesticated animals, since Yahweh didn't kill them in Egypt.  Also, the Levites have to do a lot of the work involving the Tabernacle, from ages 25-50.

9- Yahweh continues to talk to Moses as they're travelling around the wilderness of Sinai.  They've been wandering for about a year.  He reminds Moses that they need to celebrate the Passover at the appointed time (the 14th of January?).  So everyone does so, except some can't because they're unclean, I guess because they were somehow involved with a corpse?  So Yahweh gives them instructions about what they should do.  If they don't follow the instructions, they will be killed off.  Foreigners also must celebrate or they aren't welcome by the cult.  Also, this entire time a cloud covers the Tabernacle during their day, and at night it is a cloud of smoke from a fire or something.

10- Yahweh tells Moses to make some silver trumpets for the purpose of using them as organizational tools and alarms.  The sons of Aaron are to be the trumpet blowers.  Then they wander around some more.

11- Some people aren't happy in the cult, and so this pisses off Yahweh and he burns them to death!  Surprisingly, more people start to complain, especially about the absolutely ridiculous dietary restrictions.  They miss being able to eat all the good stuff in Egypt, but now they only get to eat manna.  Moses gets fed up and goes to Yahweh, asking him why all this pressure was put on him and why they're in such a ridiculous situation.  He tells Moses to get 70 elders and bring them to the Tabernacle, and Yahweh will disperse some of the power of Moses and distribute it among them.  Then, to punish everyone for complaining, Yahweh is going to make everyone eat meat for whole month, until it comes out of their nostrils!  Moses is confused as to where all this food is going to come from.  Then Yahweh summons a huge wind and then there's a bunch of quail meat that falls on everyone.  Of course, everyone immediately starts eating it, but as they do this, Yahweh unleashes a plague upon them as punishment.  Then the cult moves on to the city of Hazeroth.

12- All of a sudden, it's revealed that Moses married an Ethiopian woman, and this pisses off Aaron and Miriam.  This in turn pisses off Yahweh, so he comes down and summons Moses, Aaron, and Miriam to the Tabernacle, and scolds Aaron and Miriam for being shitty.  Then he curses Miriam with leprosy!  Moses tries to beg Yahweh to forgive Miriam, but Yahweh instructs them kick Miriam out of the camp for 7 days.  Then they leave and go to the desert of Paran.

13- Yahweh tells Moses to gather up some scouts to go spy on Canaan to see who is living there.  So the scouts go there and scope it out, returning to report that its a land of "milk and honey", but already inhabited by people- the Amelekites, Jebusites, Amorites, and Canaanites (i.e. giants!!).

14- So, everyone freaks out because they think it's a suicide mission to go and attack the giants, and they begin to question the leadership of Yahweh, Moses, and Aaron.  Plans are made to return to Egypt instead.
Yahweh decides to get the situation under control by appearing before everyone at the Tabernacle.  He swears to kill all of the Israelites for questioning him.  He then says that he'll ensure that Moses will inherit a newer, more powerful nation than whatever these clowns will eventually come up with.  Moses then warns Yahweh that it will make his power look not legit if his followers can't defeat the giants and then he just kills everyone in his cult.  So Yahweh calms down.  However, he still curses everyone over the age of 20 (who also plotted against him) to die on the way to the Promised Land.  Yahweh then kills the scouts who came back with the reports of giants living in Canaan (!).  Then everyone gathers at the top of a mountain since they think they're going to finally attack Canaan, but instead Yahweh makes it so that the Amalekites and Canaanites ambush them, and many of the cult members are killed (neither Moses nor the Ark of the Covenant came up with them).

15- Then Yahweh gives detailed instructions on how to properly sacrifice animals to him.  He says that sin through ignorance is still a sin!  Then the Israelites find some poor sap who was working on the Sabbath, so they imprison him and then execute him via stoning.  Then Yahweh gives them instructions on how to properly make fringes on the borders of their garments so that they're reminded of Yahweh whenever they're horny and look at someone in a lustful way.  OK...

16- A group of Israelites finally decide that enough is enough, and try to point out that if all of the Israelites are holy, then why is Yahweh killing everyone and being such an asshole??  So then Moses tells all of them to go make a censer offering to Yahweh, and he will reveal who among them is truly special.  They disagree to follow Moses' orders, so he goes to Yahweh to not accept the offering of the dissenters, and then talks to Korah, the leader of the dissenters, to convince them to make an offering to Yahweh.  So then Yahweh comes out and tries to tell Moses and Aaron to get away, because he's going to kill everyone!  Moses then tries to reason with Yahweh to calm him down, but I guess he can't so he runs away and tells all of his still-loyal followers to get away and not touch anything belonging to the dissenters or else Yahweh might kill them too!  Then Yahweh straight-up causes the earth to open up and swallow all 250 dissenters, plus these tents and all of their shit!!  Then they go down to "The Realm of the Dead" ("Sheol": the Hebrew land of the dead, a place of darkness that you go to when you die, regardless of if you're good or not.  It's apparently a giant pit under the earth, the topography of which isn't clear).  Then Yahweh commands Moses to take all of the censers and hammer them into sheets to overlay the altar as a sign that only Aaron and his descendants are allowed to make burnt incense offerings to Yahweh.
Some other members of the cult are shocked that Yahweh killed Korah and his followers, and they form an angry mob to rise up against Moses and Aaron.  However, Yahweh saves the day by unleashing a brutal plague upon them.  Moses tries to atone for the people by having Aaron make incense offerings, but by the time the plague ended, 14,700 cult members were dead.

17- Yahweh then tells Moses to gather up the cult elders and take 12 staffs, one assigned to each elder.  Aaron's name was to be written on the staff meant for the Levi tribe.  Yahweh then chooses Aaron's staff as a symbol against
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18- So Aaron is now the head of the Levites, and they are to be the priests of Yahweh's cult.  Only Aaron and the Levites are to be caretakers of Yahweh's sanctuary, and if anyone else comes near when they aren't supposed to, Yahweh will kill everyone!  Then Yahweh gives instructions for how to make offerings, including how to perform brutal animal sacrifice.  The offerings are then given to Moses and Aaron afterwards.
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19- Bizarre animal sacrifice ritual instructions.

20- The cult then travels to the Desert of Zin (southern Israel), and Miriam dies at Kadesh.  Then everyone starts to complain again about having no water or nuts and shit to eat, so Moses and Aaron go to the Tabernacle to talk to Yahweh.  Yahweh tells Moses to go and speak to a rock in front of all the people, and then water will pour out from the rock for everyone to drink.  However, for whatever reason Moses either intentionally or accidentally taps the rock with the rod and water comes out, and, of course, this really pisses off Yahweh.  He decrees that the Israelites are no longer allowed into Yahweh's Promised Land.  Then Moses sends messengers to the kingdom of Edom, hoping to attain safe passage through the kingdom.  However, the king of Edom denies them, and then raises a large army to frighten off the Israelites.  Then Yahweh tells Moses that Aaron isn't allowed to go into the Promised Land due to what happened with the whole rock incident (the Waters of Meribah), and that Aaron is to remove his priest garments and pass them on to his son, Eleazar, and then die.  So Aaron does this and then dies (!) at the top of of Mount Hor (haha).  The Israelites then mourn for 30 days.

21- King Arad of the Canaanites hears about the Israelites coming his way, so he attacks them and captures some of them.  As revenge, Moses calls upon the wrath of Yahweh for vengeance, and Yahweh delivers the Canaanites (presumably as prisoners?) to the cult, and then cult DESTROYS the Canaanites and their cities!  King Arad's lands are renamed "Hormah" ("Destruction").  Anyway, as the cult travels along the Red Sea to go around Edom, the cult followers once again grow impatient and begin to talk shit.  Yahweh sends venomous snakes to punish the naysayers, and many Israelites die.  They beg for Moses to ask Yahweh for forgiveness, and then Yahweh tells Moses to make a fake snake and put the snake on a pole, and that anyone who has been poisoned by a snake will look at this fake snake and then live.  So Moses does so and makes a bronze snake, puts it on a pole, and then anyone who had been bitten then looks at the snake was cured of the poison.  Then the cult continues to travel around some more, and we get some geography of the local region, including a placed called "Beer" (haha), which means "Water Well".  Also mentioned in this chapter is the "Book of the Wars of Yahweh", which is a lost book of the Bible!  Then the Israelites try to pass through the land of the Amorites, and sent messengers to King Sihon, their king.  King Sahon said no, and then raised an army and sent the army to attack the Israelites.  Obviously, the cult was able to defeat them, and then they took over some of their land.  They made their capital of the territory Heshbon, which was also the capital city of the Amorites.  There were still Amorites occupying the remaining land, so the Israelites decided to just go ahead and conquer the rest of the kingdom.  On their way, they apparently went too close to the territory of the city of Bashan, which was ruled by King Og.  King Og sent an army to attack the Israelites, which culminated in the battle at Edrai.  The Israelites defeated this new army, and killed everyone!!  Then they conquered King Og's kingdom.

22- Then the Israelites travels to the plains of Moab, and camp along the Jordan River, across from the city of Jericho (uh-oh!).  King Balak of the Moabites saw what the cult had done to the Amorites, and was scared.  He decided that the solution to this problem was to summon Balaam from Pethor (near the Euphrates River), a mighty sorcerer.  So, the elders of Moab and Midian (an allied city) went to Balaam, and he tells them that he'll give them an answer the next day because he has to talk to Yahweh first.  So Yahweh shows up and Balaam tells him the situation.  Yahweh warns Balaam not to fuck with the Israelites, so Balaam tells the elders what Yahweh said.  The elders go back home and tell King Balak what's up, so the king decides to send some higher-up officials to go talk to Balaam again to urge him to serve the Moabites.  So, Balaam tells them to wait and see what Yahweh says, although he warns the officials that the Moabites won't be able to offer him anything that could even come close to the power of Yahweh.  Anyway, that night Yahweh again goes to talk to Balaam, but this time he tells Balaam to secretly work as a double agent for the cult.  So, Balaam agrees, and in the morning he gets up and goes with the messengers back to King Balak.  This pisses
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23- Then Balaam orders 7 altars to be built, whereupon 7 bulls and rams are to be sacrificed at the altars.  Then Balaam goes off to talk to Yahweh, and Yahweh puts a magic message in Balaam's mouth.  Balaam goes back to talk to King Balak, but his message ended up being a blessing for the Israelites instead of a curse.  Anyway, this pises off King Balak, so he tries to get Balaam to curse the cult by moving to the field of Zophim, at the top of Mount Pisgah.  They do all the sacrifices again, but the same thing happens.  So, then King Balak tries again, by taking Balaam to the top of Mount Peor to try one more time...

24- Balaam goes off and the same thing happens on Mount Peor, except this time Balak finally gets pissed off and threatens Balaam.  Also, in Balaam's third message, he talks about how powerful the Israelite nation will be and how they will "devour" hostile nations, shatter their bones, etc.  Then Balaam makes another prophecy that talks about "a star out of Jacob", who we are to assume will be a leader that will destroy all of the cult's enemies (such as the children of Sheth, the Moabites, Edom, Seir, etc.).  Then Balaam makes the prophecy that Amalek will be destroyed along with the Kenites and others.  Then Balaam goes home.

25- The cult is staying in the city of Shittim, and some of the male members of the cult begin to engage in "sexual immorality" with the Moabite women, and they also begin to worship a god named Baal-Peor (Belphegor!), although who exactly this god is is unknown.  Either way, this obviously pisses off Yahweh, so he demands that Moses brutally massacre all of those who are involved in the worship of Baal-Peor.  Then Yahweh unleashes a plague upon the cult that kills 24,000 members, but stops when Aaron's grandson, Phineas, kills a dude who comes back to the Israelite camp with a foreigner woman from Midian.  He kills both of them by skewering them with a spear.  This cheers up Yahweh, who was impressed with Phineas brutality, and he decides to stop the plague.  He also grants Phineas and all of his future descendants special privilege in the office of priesthood for the cult.  Also, apparently the woman from Midian was the daughter of a Midianite tribal chief (named Zur).  So, Yahweh decides that it's time to destroy the Midianites!

26- After the plague, Yahweh decides that it's census time.  Only men (over 20) are counted.  The clans of Reuben, Simeon, Gad, Judah, Issachar, Zebulun, Manasseh, Ephraim, Benjamin, Dan, Asher, Naphtali, and Levi are all counted.  Also, the land is allotted to these clans in proportion to the overall size of the clans in terms of population.

27- Some Israelite women go to Moses and the cult elders at the Tabernacle and ask about property law.  If a man dies with no male heirs, surely the women should inherit at least some of his stuff?  Moses goes to Yahweh to ask what to do.  Yahweh says that in this case, a daughter gets the inheritance, otherwise it goes to the father's brothers, uncles, or nearest relative.
Then Yahweh tells Moses that he's still kind of pissed off about the whole "Water of Meribah Kadesh" incident, and that Moses has essentially served his purpose and that now it's time for him to die (!).  Joshua, son of Nun, is to take Moses' place as leader of the cult.  So Moses lays his hands on Joshua in a blessing, and they perform some sort of divine magic to see if Joshua is to be a worthy leader.
They also make a reference to the "urim", which is apparently some sort of magic item or stone, also associated wit ha a counterpart piece, called a "thummim".  Although it's associated with Jewish clerical magic, it's possible that it has roots in Babylonian or (pre-Islamic) Arabic magic.  We're not quite sure exactly what this stuff is.

28- Yahweh explains more animal sacrifice rules that he wants performed.

29- More animal sacrifice rules.

30- Moses then explains that if someone makes a vow to Yahweh, they must not break the vow!  A woman who still lives with her father can only make a vow if her father allows it.  If her father forbids the vow, then Yahweh won't hold the woman to it.  The same rules apply if a woman is living with her husband, but if her husband fails to immediately forbid the vow, then it's his fault.  I guess this means that in terms of vows, women aren't responsible for anything?

31- Yahweh then declares that he wants the cult to attack the Midianites.  1000 men from each of the 12 tribes of Israel were to make up the cult's army.  Anyway, the Israelite army then goes and kills every man in the city of Midian, and they enslave the women and children.  They also confiscated all of their possessions, and then killed Midian's five kings (Evi, Rekem, Zur, Hur, and Reba).  Then they killed Balaam and burned down all of the cities under Midian's domain before returning to Moab.
Moses then declares that all the boys and non-virgin women are to be executed and all of the virgin girls to be kept alive as sex slaves.  Also, anyone who kills anyone, or anyone who touches a murderer, must leave the camp for 7 days, purifying themselves on the 3rd and 7th days.  Then Yahweh says that all of the spoils of war are to be divided equally among the soldiers (1/500 things are to be given to Yahweh (AKA Eleazar, the high priest), and the non-soldier cult members, with 1/50 things going to the Levites).

32- Once this is all said and done, some of the cult members realize that these new conquered lands are actually pretty nice, so why not just chill here?  The ones that want to chill ask Moses to not cross the Jordan River.  Obviously, this pisses off Moses, but it especially pisses off Yahweh, of course, who goes berserk and declares that no one over the age of 20 at the time of the Egyptian exodus will be able to even SEE the Promised Land, except for Caleb (son of Jephunneh the Kenizzite) and Joshua (son of Nun).  Yahweh is so angry, in fact, that he forces the cult to wander the desert for 40 more years, until all the people who were forbidden from entering the Promised Land in the first place finally died off.  Finally, the cult agrees to send forth an army to conquer the Promised Land.  The warriors were to go forth and fight, and the women and children were to stay behind in the cities until the Israelites were completely victorious.
So, the cult builds a bunch of cities and towns in their conquered lands, and then they conquer some other places in the meantime as well.

33- The Bible does a recap of the Israelites exodus out of Egypt thus far.  It also reiterates that Yahweh wants the cult to completely conquer and demolish all of the people and their settlements, and drive out any survivors (very important, otherwise they'll just make more trouble).
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34- Yahweh explains to Moses explicitly the exact territory of the land that he has promised them.  Then he explains how he wants the land to be divided up by the different tribes of Israel.

35- Yahweh tells Moses more instructions to follow for the settlement of the holy land.  Also, there are to be cities built that are designated as places that someone can go after they kill someone accidentally and can hide out.  If they accidentally kill someone, it's possible that they can go and seek sanctuary in certain cities so they won't be wrongfully killed by an avenger of the person who was killed.
Also, more rules- if anyone tries to kill anyone else outside of revenge, then the murderer is to be killed.  However, if it's an accident, then there should be a trial.  It is up to the assembly to protect the possibly innocent person from anyone trying to seek revenge, but if the person leaves the safe zone then they're on their own!  If there are two witnesses, then the accused is guilty.  Just one isn't enough, however.  However, all of this can change if the high priest dies.  Then Yahweh says not to pollute the land.  Atonement can't be made on a land where blood has been shed unless more blood is shed from the one who started the violence.

36- Then some Gilead clan leaders (descendants of Joseph) come to Moses and the others with a question- because Yahweh told Moses to have the land divided up among the different tribes, but if these tribal leaders marry women who aren't in the cult, this will reduce the the total area of land that is under direct control of the cult's tribes.  Instead, the land could/will end up in the hands of non-cult people.  To solve this problem, Yahweh tells Moses that no cult member is allowed to marry outside of the cult; this will solve the problem of land inheritance going to non-cult families or peoples.  Also, the land MUST remain as property of the tribe it was allotted to.  No transfers! 
As a result of this, cousins ended up marrying cousins and shit. :/