EXODUS

1- There's a new pharaoh in Egypt, and he hates the Hebrews, believing that they are more mighty than the Egyptians themselves.  So, he makes the Hebrews his slaves, but the Hebrews continue to grow.  Also, Pharaoh declares that any male Hebrew children born should be killed, but any female children are allowed to live.  However, the Hebrew women are the midwives, and they refuse to do this.  This makes Yahweh happy, so he continues to bless them with children and families.  Pharaoh continues to maintain that all newly-born Hebrew males must be thrown in the river.

2- A woman has a son and tries to hide him for 3 months, and then finally decides to put him on a small craft and sends him down the river.   Later, Pharaoh's daughter finds the baby with the baby's older sister, who was her handmaiden.  Somehow, the mother is found out by Pharaoh's daughter, and she is told to take care of the child for Pharaoh's daughter.   As he grows up, he is named Moses and is adopted by Pharaoh's daughter.  Moses grows up and enjoys hanging out with the Hebrews.  At one point, he sees an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, so he kills the Egyptian .  The news spreads, and so Moses flees out of Egypt to Midian.  In Midian, he finds, he finds 7 daughters of the local priest working, but they are driven away by some shepherds.  Moses intervenes and sticks up for the daughters, and soon is helping them fill up their water at the well.  They go and tell their dad, Revel (also known as Hobab or Jethro), who is so impressed that he lets Moses stay with them and gives Moses one of his daughters, Zipporah, as a wife.  Moses bangs her and they have a son, Gershom.  Pharaoh then dies.  The Hebrews hate that they're still slaves in Egypt, and their cries of grief reach Yahweh, who remembers that he made a covenant with Abraham and his future children.

3- Moses is tending to his flock near Mount Horeb (Sinai?) when he sees a burning bush, but the bush was "not consumed".  Yahweh tells Moses to take off his shoes because he is on holy ground.  Yahweh tells Moses that he's going to free the Hebrews and bring them back to Canaan, "a land flowing with milk and honey", but is also unfortunately occupied by other people (Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites).  Yahweh will also help Moses by smiting the Egyptians, and giving the Hebrew women permission to steal treasure from the Egyptian families.  Yahweh also informs Moses that he will be the leader of the Hebrews, and Moses is to say that Yahweh ("I am") sent him to lead them out of Egypt.

4- So Moses is worried that the Hebrews won't believe him as the spokesman of Yahweh, and Yahweh gives him a couple of tests in order to demonstrate his mighty power.  Yahweh turns Moses' staff into a snake, and then makes Moses pick it up.  However, when he does it becomes a staff again.  Then Yahweh tells him to put his hand inside his clothes, and when Moses takes his hand back out it's leprous (or some other severe skin condition)!  Whoa! Yahweh then says that if the Hebrews still don't believe them, then he is to take some water from the Nile and pour it on the ground, and it will turn to blood.  Moses is still unsure of himself because he's no confident in his speaking skills, so Yahweh assures him of his divine power.  However, Moses still isn't convinced, and this pisses off Yahweh. So, Yahweh says that Moses' brother, Aaron, is coming to meet Moses to help him, and that Moses will be able to tell Aaron what to say (I guess Aaron is a better public speaker?), and also that Yahweh will help both of them and teach them what to do.  However, it's still important for Moses to keep the staff so he can use it to perform divine magic.   Moses then tells Jethro that he wants to go back to Egypt, and Jethro says it's cool.  Yahweh also tells Moses that he doesn't need to be scared of being arrested, because all of the people who were looking for him are dead (!).  Moses then takes his family to Egypt.  Yahweh then says that Moses is to go before Pharaoh and perform the miracles, but also that Yahweh will make Pharaoh be a dickhead and say no to freeing the Hebrews (!!).  Then Moses is to tell Pharaoh that the Hebrews ("Israel") are (is) Yahweh's "first-born son" (confusing passage), and that they must be freed so they can freely worship their father.  However, because Pharaoh won't let the Hebrews go, Yahweh will retaliate by killing Pharaoh's firstborn son.
Anyway, so on the way to Egypt, Moses' family stops at a lodging place.  In an extremely bizarre change of heart, Yahweh suddenly decides that he is going to kill Moses (what?!?!)!!  Thinking quickly, Zipporah immediately grabs a flint knife and circumcises Gershom, anointing Moses' feet with the blood (WTF).  By doing this, Yahweh is satisfied and decides not to kill Moses.
Then Yahweh tells Aaron to meet Moses in the wilderness.  So, Moses and Aaron meet and go over everything Yahweh told Moses, and also what they have been commanded to do.  Upon arriving in Egypt (apparently?), Moses and Aaron then meet with the Hebrew elders and go over everything that Yahweh has commanded be done.  Aaron then performs the divine magic and tells them that Yahweh cares about them, and the elders bow down in worship and veneration.

5- Moses and Aaron then go to the Pharaoh and demand in the name of Yahweh to let the Hebrews go so they can go into the wilderness and start a Yahweh cult.  Moses and Aaron say that if they aren't let go, Yahweh will get pissed off and have bad things happen to them.  Pharaoh just think that the Hebrew slaves have too much free time, and gives them even more work to do.  Moses goes to Yahweh and asks him WTF is going on.

6- Moses talks to Yahweh some more, more family tree stuff, we find out that apparently Moses is a product of incest, and that Yahweh says his real name is Yahweh (YHWH/Jehovah), and that Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob didn't know his real name.

7- So, Moses and Aaron perform more divine magic for Pharoah, but Pharaoh's sorcerers can cast the same spells.  Also, because Yahweh hardened Pharaoh's heart, Pharaoh refuses to let the slaves go.  WTF!! WHY??  So Yahweh then tells Moses to go to the river in the morning when Pharaoh is there and to use his rod to turn the river into blood, killing all of the fish and making it smell bad.  Aaron is to do the same, but this time with all of the bodies of water in Egypt!  Apparently, Pharaoh wasn't impressed (?), and his sorcerers did the same thing.  So, Moses then summons frogs to come up out of the water, and they go everywhere.  Pharaoh still isn't impressed.  Of course, his sorcerers do the same thing.

8- Pharaoh still doesn't allow the slaves to go free.  Moses then summons lice from the dust of the earth.  This time, Pharaoh's wizards aren't able to reproduce this spell.  The wizards themselves are convinced that Moses and Aaron are legit divine magic spellcasters truly blessed with the power of Yahweh.  Power of Yahweh or no, Pharoah still doesn't give a fuck.  So, Moses then summons flies to plague the land.  Pharoah FINALLY relents and says that the slaves can go out to the wilderness to worship Yahweh for a few days, so Yahweh finally lets upon the plagues.  However, Pharaoh suddenly changes his mind and says that the slaves can't go out anymore!  OMG.

9- Pissed off, Yahweh kills all the work animals (except for the cattle of the Hebrews).  Then he causes it to hail, ad this kills everyone outside that day in Egypt except for the Hebrews, who were all in Goshen (I guess).  This also fucked up all the crops and shit.  Despite all this, the Egyptians still refuse to acknowledge the power of Yahweh.  So Yahweh STILL makes it so that Pharaoh still won't let the Hebrews go.  Even when he decides to let them go, Yahweh changes his mind to prevent this from happening.  WHYYYYYYYYY

10- Yahweh unleashes more plagues (locusts and darkness).  Then he makes Pharaoh continue to be a cunt.  Sigh.

11- Yahweh continues to be bad by unleashing plagues and shit and killing innocent people and then making it so that Pharaoh won't let the slaves go.

12- So Yahweh now wants the Jews to slaughter unblemished male lambs and smear their blood on the doors of their houses so that Yahweh will remember not to kill their children or something.  Then the Hebrews have to eat meat roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs.  THey hae to eat it quickly, wear shoes, and follow some other random rules.  All Hebrews must eat unleavened bread for 7 days.  If they eat unleavened bread even ONCE, they will be excommunicated from the Hebrews and not be blessed.  Also, they will have to do this ritual (Passover) FOREVER.  Then Yahweh goes and kills all the firstborn sons of Egypt (humans AND cattle (!?).  Even though all the cattle have already died, I guess?  Then Yahweh tells the Hebrews to go and loot all the treasure and jewelry from the Egyptians.  Yahweh actually alters the Egyptians minds so that they're happy about the Hebrews doing this too.  Then all 600,000 Hebrew slaves leave Egypt with their cattle (!) and animal flocks/herds and they wander in the desert for 40 years (or not, this is unclear).  Oh, also, no stranger, foreigner, or uncircumcised person can participate in ANY future Passovers!

13- So Yahweh is telling the Jews how to commemorate this time that Moses is leading them out of Egypt and back to Canaan.  I guess Yahweh wants the Hebrews to sacrifice the firstborn male animals in his honor.  Also, as Yahweh is leading the Hebrews through the desert, he doesn't want them to go through the land of the Philistines because there's a war there during this time?  It's possible that the Philistines don't live there yet
PENDING

14- So then Yahweh tells the Hebrews to go encamp in some sketchy place that is isolated and makes them vulnerable, then makes it so that Pharaoh will be a chode and attack them while they're chilling there.  Also, I guess the Egyptians all now know that Yahweh is, in fact, the one true god almighty, but Pharaoh and his government still doesn't?  So, he takes 600 chariots and goes to attack the Hebrews (where the hell did all the horses come from??).
Anyway, to flee the Egyptian army, Yahweh tells Moses to use his magic staff to part the sea and run through it to escape.  So, he does this.  Then when the Egyptians follow them, Yahweh tells Moses to use his magic to bring the water together, drowning the Egyptian army!

15- The Hebrews then all sing a song praising Yahweh as a mighty war god and how they defeated the Egyptians by drowning them in the sea.  Everyone is dancing and celebrating.  However, they start to run out of water as they continue to travel.  They go to some place called Morah, but they can't drink the water there because it's too bitter (?).  So Yahweh shows Moses a tree, and when they throw the tree in the water it makes the water sweet (??) so they can drink it.  Then Yahweh says that if the Hebrews continue to follow Yahweh, he won't inflict upon them all the plagues and shit that he brought upon the Egyptians.

16- Now the people are getting hungry.  Yahweh tells Moses that he will take care of the situation.  So, Yahweh hooks them up with "manna", some edible flake-like stuff that the Hebrews can grind up and bake into cakes or something.  The Hebrews ate it raw during this time, and they gathered it and ate it for the next 40 years until they finally arrived in Canaan!

17- The Hebrews are getting thirsty, again, so Yahweh stands on a rock and Moses smites the rock and water comes out.  Then the Hebrews are attacked by Amalek, the son of Eliphaz, grandson of Esau, and since Esau hated Jacob/Israel, Esau, Eliphaz, Amalek, and their descendants all hate the Israelites since they come from Jacob/Israel.  Moses chooses  Aaron and two dudes named Hur and Joshua to lead the warriors.  Moses holds up his hands, and when his hands are up the Hebrews are winning, but when his hands go down, they start to lose.  Anyway, he manages to keep them up, so the Israelites win.  Then Moses says that that Yahweh swore that the Israelites will win many battles against the Amalekites for many generations to come.

18- Meanwhile, apparently Moses had sent Zipporah, his wife, back to Zethro, her dad.  So, Jethro, Zipporah, Moses, and Moses and Zipporah's kids, Gershom and Eliezar, go to Moses' encampment in the wilderness.  Then Jethro sees that Moses is just sitting around, acting like a cult leader and telling everyone about Yahweh's rules.  Jethro then advises Moses to pick out people from the cult to help him lead.  Moses agrees, and designates sub-leaders of his cult.

19- So the Israelites are now all wandering around Mt. Sinai, and Moses goes up into the mountain to talk to Yahweh.  Yahweh tells Moses that if they obey him, he will favor them above everyone else.  The Israelites will become a kingdom of priests, and a holy nation.  Moses tells all the people about this, and they agree to follow Yahweh.  So Yahweh then tells the people to prepare for 3 days, upon which, on the third day, Yahweh will show himself to the people.  First though, everyone must wash their clothes, not have sex, and if anyone EVER touches the mountain before the third day, they will be killed!  Then Moses goes up the mountain on the third day and Yahweh comes down and talks to him, telling him not to let anyone else up (except Aaron) or else they'll be killed!

20- The 10 Commandments are given to Moses:
   1.   You shall have no gods before Yahweh.
   2.   No making any images of ANYTHING, and don't worship these images either!  Yahweh admits that he gets super jealous, and that if you make him jealous he will punish people and their descendants (to the 4th generation), but will show love to those who love and obey him for a thousand generations.
   3.   Don't misuse the name of Yahweh!
   4.   Remember the Sabbath!  On the seventh day of the week, NO WORK must be done by ANYONE.  NOT EVEN ANIMALS.
   5.   Honor your father and mother.
   6.   No murdering!
   7.   No cheating on your spouse!
   8.   No stealing!
   9.   No giving false testimony against your neighbor!
   10. No coveting of neighbors' houses, wives, servants, oxes, donkeys, or any of his property!
So then the Israelites tell Moses to act as Yahweh's interpreter, since the people will die if they talk to Yahweh themselves.  Yahweh then tells Moses to sacrifice a bunch of offerings and animals, and to make a stone altar in his honor.  However, the people aren't allowed to go up the steps of the altar because people will be able to look up your tunic and see your private parts or something.

21- Rules for slavery management.
PENDING

22- More cattle law and other commandments by Yahweh.
PENDING

23- PENDING

24- PENDING

25- Yahweh's instructions for building a sanctuary for him, in addition to a tabernacle/ark.
PENDING

26- Yahweh continues to go on and on about how to construct the ark.

27- See 26.

28- PENDING

29- Yahweh continues to explain how to worship him at the tabernacle, including the food to bring, what to wear, what to with the animals that are sacrificed, etc.

30- Yahweh continues to explain how to conduct his worship ceremonies.
PENDING

31- Yahweh continues to talk about the tabernacle.
PENDING

32- So Moses takes forever to come down from Mt. Sinai, and the people go to Aaron and I guess are mad that he's taken so long and demand new gods to worship.  Then Aaron takes the golden earrings all the people are wearing (jewelry stolen from the Egyptians, BTW), and melts them down and makes them into a golden calf, and then declares it a new god of the people.  He then builds an altar and says that the next day everyone will have a feast in honor of their new god.  So everyone obeys and offers sacrifices and eats and drinks and "plays" around the altar, whatever that means.  Yahweh finds out and is PISSED!!  He tells Moses that he wants to kill all the Israelites, and once this is done he'll let Moses start a new nation.  Moses argues with Yahweh, asking why he should kill everyone after he went to all the trouble of freeing them from the Egyptians?  Then he points out that the Egyptians might think it was bizarre that Yahweh did all of this too.  He also reminds Yahweh of the covenant he made with Abraham, Isaac, Joseph/Israel, etc.  So Yahweh changes his mind.  Then Moses comes down from Mount Sinai with his tablets and Joshua informs him that everyone is singing and partying in the camp.  Moses gets super-pissed that they're dancing, having fun, and worshiping the golden calf, so he destroys the stone tablets (?) by throwing them on the ground, and then he destroyed the golden calf idol by burning it, then grinding it into a powder, and then puts it into some water and makes everyone drink it (!).  Moses asks Aaron WTF happened, and Aaron blames the people and their mischievous ways.
PENDING

33- Then Yahweh tells Moses to continue leading the cult back to the Promised Land.  He also says that he'll send an angel before the Israelites to drive off the people living there now, but he won't go himself because he's still angry I guess and would also kill all the Israelites too in his rage.  He also keeps referring to the Israelites as a "stiff-necked" people (haha).  He also told everyone to take off their ceremonial garb because if they were wearing it he would kill them.  Moses then sets up the tabernacle far from camp and goes out there alone to talk to Yahweh.  Then a cloudy pillar descends from the sky and starts to talk to Moses.  All the Israelites see the cloudy pillar from camp and start to worship it.  Moses begins to talk to Yahweh face to face!
PENDING

34- Then Yahweh says that he's going to write up some new commandments to replace the ones that Moses broke during the Golden Calf incident.  So Moses goes and collects some new stone tablets and then goes to Yahweh to give themto him.  Yahweh then proclaims that he's merciful, gracious, long-suffering, etc., but then says that the Israelites are still to be punished for generations because of the Golden Calf incident!  Then he says that if the Israelites obey his NEW commandments, he will reward them by doing terrible things to their enemies.  Then he tells Moses to destroy all the Promised Land's altars and places of worship for their own gods, because Yahweh explains that he's incredibly jealous and can't stand people worshiping other gods.  He also says that if they don't do this, then they'll just end up making covenants with the other gods, and then everyone will become whores for other gods or something.
PENDING

35- So Moses gathers everyone together again to explain everything
PENDING

36- The Israelites then start to build a sanctuary to Yahweh. PENDING

37- The Israelites continue to build the sanctuary/Ark of the Covenant.

38- Still building it.

39- Finally finish building it!

40- Yahweh explains how to worship him at the Tabernacle.  As the Israelites travel after that, the Tabernacle is followed by Yahweh in the form of a cloud during the day, and a pillar of fire (?) at night.
PENDING