1- So Moses is dead, and Yahweh is talking to Joshua as the new leader of the cult. Yahweh tells Joshua that it's time to cross the Jordan River and go into the Promised Land. The territory is to be from the desert (?) to Lebanon, and from the Euphrates River to the Mediterranean Sea. Yahweh seems to be just as committed to Joshua as he was to Moses, and promises that no one in the Holy Land will be able to stop the cult from taking over as long as they have the power of Yahweh. Joshua then declares that the cult will depart in 3 days. For some reason, Joshua then says that the tribes of Reuben, Gad, and the "half-tribe" (?) of Manasseh can stay behind and chill east of the Jordan River, but will still have to send their warriors with the cult to go take over. Because some of the Promised Land is east of the Jordan River, it makes sense that they would have to stay behind to defend it. Also, if anyone rebels against Joshua, they'll be executed!
2- Joshua then sends 2 spies to go check out the Promised Land and see what they would be up against. However, they decided to take a detour, and ended up at a prostitute's (named Rahab) house in Jericho. The King of Jericho finds out that the spies are chilling at Rahab's, so he sends a message to Rahab telling her to bring the spies to him. The prostitute lies and says that the spies left, but really she had hid them on the roof of her brothel. After the king's men leave to go search for the spies elsewhere, Rahab goes and tells the spies that she helped them because she had stories of the cult's power and their mighty god, and also that everyone was afraid of them. She then begs the spies to spare her and her family's lives when they invade the city. Then the spies escape her house (which is actually located inside the walls of Jericho, apparently) through a window by using a red chord with a rope. They then tell Rahab to get her family together and not let them outside of the house because if they leave and are slaughtered during the invasion, the cult won't be held responsible. Also, they are to identify which house is hers because she'll tie the red chord on the window of her house. So, Rahab agrees to all of this, and then the spies leave and hide out for a few days in the hills nearby before returning to Joshua to tell him about what happened.
3- Before crossing the Jordan River, the cult camps out. Then they're told by officials that the Ark of the Covenant is going to be brought through the camp to lead the way, but everyone has to stay back like 3000 feet. Then Yahweh tells Joshua to get everyone and consecrate themselves, for tomorrow will be an amazing day. Then Yahweh tells Joshua that he will prove to the Israelites that Joshua is the rightful leader by doing something cool. The priests then carry the Ark of the Covenant into the Jordan River, and the water immediately stops flowing. It actually stops at a city called Adam, and the water flowing into the Dead Sea is completely cut off. By parting the river like this, the Israelites are able to cross the river!
4- Once the Israelites cross the river, Yahweh tells Joshua to tell the 12 leaders of the tribes to take 12 stones from the river and place them where they made camp as a memorial. Meanwhile, about 40,000 warriors of the cult march through the plains of Jericho. Invasion is imminent! The cult then marches into the region of Gilgal, on the eastern border of Jericho. But then then the cult sets up
PENDING
5- The Amorite and the Canaanites heard about what happened at the Jordan River, and so they were scared. Meanwhile, Joshua decides that it's circumcision time! Apparently, there were a bunch of uncircumcised dudes running around in the cult. They actually named this place Gibeath Haaraloth, which means "Hill of the Foreskins" (!!!). Then they celebrated Passover and ate some manna and stuff.
Anyway, the cult got closer to the city of Jericho, and a mysterious dude appears with a sword in hand, telling them that he is a commander of Yahweh's army who has been sent to help them. Then he tells Joshua to take off his shoes because he is on hallowed ground.
6- Yahweh then tells Joshua the plan. The cult is to march around the city for 6 days, and then on the 7th day the priests are to blow trumpets made of ram's horns while marching, then everyone in the army to shout, and the walls of the city will collapse and the cult will attack! So, the Israelites do this, but before they shout, Joshua reminds them to remember to spare Rahab the Prostitute and her family, and also to "keep away from the accursed thing" (?) and save all the gold and silver for Yahweh (of course).
Anyway, so the trumpets are blown, the army shouts, Jericho's walls collapse, and the army charges! Then they commit mass genocide by slaughtering men, women, young children, old people, cattle, donkey, and sheep. However, they do manage to save Rahab and her family, relocating them to a place outside the cult's encampment. Then they demolish the entire city. Joshua says that anyone who tries to rebuild the city will be cursed by Yahweh. The notoriety of the cult then spreads throughout the land.
7- The Israelites couldn't handle the success while still having complete faith in Yahweh, as a dude named Acham pisses off Yahweh by being "unfaithful".
Anyway, Joshua begins to send spies out from Jericho to go check out the city of Ai. When the spies return, they report that the city seems kind of small an easily conquerable, so there was no need to send out the entire Israelite army. Joshua then sends 3000 men to march on Ai, but fails in taking the city, and 36 Israelite warriors are killed.
So, Joshua and the elders became really upset, and ask Yahweh why he let them into the Promised Land in the first place if they were just going to fail? Yahweh then tells them that he's pissed off because of Acham being unfaithful, and demands that those who are guilty of stealing or sinning be burned alive! So, they go and get Achan, and he confesses to his sins. He had also taken a beautiful Babylonian robe and some other treasure and money for himself. So, Acham gives all the stuff back and he, his family, and his animals are stoned to death and/or burned alive! Then they piled a bunch of rocks on top of Achan, which are still there to this day (at least till at the time that the Book of Joshua was written).
8- Yahweh then tells Joshua to go and attack Ai. He tells Joshua to do to Ai the same thing that they did to Jericho, except this time, the cult is free to plunder and carry off any livestock they want and shit. Also, make sure to ambush the city from behind!
So, Joshua takes 30,000 warriors and sends 5,000 of them to go and hide out behind the city. Then the main cult army will attack the city and run away, and when the enemy chases them the 5,000 warriors will attack the city from behind. So eventually the king of Ai sends out his army to fight the Israelites, and of course the city was left wide open. So, the 5,000 elite troops then go into Ai and burn it down, and then ambush the Ai army from behind. The Ai army was then caught between the two Israelite armies, and the Ai army is completely annihilated (except for the king). Then EVERYONE in Ai is slaughtered, including men, women, and children. The livestock is taken by the Israelite army, and all of the treasure is plundered. Ai is then left as a smoldering heap of ruin. The King of Ai was left impaled on a pole until the evening, and then was buried under a pile of rocks.
Anyway, later on Joshua builds an altar to Yahweh on Mount Ebal, as Moses had commanded them to do, and they followed Moses' instructions on how to do this. Then Joshua read of all the blessings and curses that had been written in the Book of Law (the Pentateuch?).
9- When all of the Israelite's neighbors (the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites) hear about what happened, they forge an alliance to fight against the mighty cult. However, the people of the ancient Canaanite city of Gibeon (the Hivites) decided to pull a fast one and avoid destruction by dressing like a bunch of poor people and then going into the cult's encampment at Gilgal to try and join them, saying that they were poor, desperate travelers from distant lands. The Israelites more or less believe them, and decide to take them in. 3 days later, however, the truth comes out, but because the Israelites had sworn a peace oath with the Hivites, they couldn't kill them. So they allowed them to live peacefully in their camp, but they had to work as laborers for the cult, and were cursed to having this be their permanent job, forever.
10- Adonizidek ("Lord of Righteousness" / "My Lord is Righteousness"), king of Jerusalem, hears about what happens and freaks out. The Israelites must be stopped now! An army must be raised to smash Gibeon for joining with the cult. Joshua then gathers his own army to set out and defend Gibeon from the allied forces of Jerusalem, Hebron, Jarmuth, Lacish, and Eglon. Yahweh then tells Joshua not to fear! The Israelites then ambush the Adonizidek's allied army, and with the help of Yahweh they cast some confusion magic and are victorious in battle. Yahweh then hurls down hailstones, slaughtering many of the cult's enemies.
Before the battle happened, though, Joshua asked Yahweh to make the sun and moon stand still for an entire day (24 hours?) so that it wouldn't get dark, thus preventing the enemies from hiding. The cult's army then returned with Joshua back to the camp at Gilgal. I should also note that Joshua mentions that this was a prophecy in the The Book of Jasher ("Sefer Hayashar", or "Book of the Upright One"), some mysterious unknown, forgotten, or untranslated book.
Anyway, the 5 Amorite kings then flee and hide in a cave at Makkedah. Then Joshua orders the cult to roll boulders up to the mouth of the cave and then posted some guards to prevent them from escaping. Also, continuing to chase down and slaughter the enemy armies after this, Joshua and his army returned to the cave and open it up to capture the 5 kings. Then he executes them by impaling them on poles (or hangs them from trees, unclear) until the evening, then he throws their bodies into the cave and seals it up again with the boulders.
Then Joshua takes the Israelite army to the city of Makkedah and slaughters everyone inside. Then they do the same at Libnah, Lachish, Gezer (who had come to help Lachish), Eglon, Hebron, Debir, and then end up slaughtering everyone else in the entire region! Then the cult returns to Gilgal.
11- Time for more slaughter! A giant allied army is formed by a bunch of kings: Jabin (king of Hazor), Jobab (king of Madon), the kings of Shimron and Akshaph, the kings of the northern mountains, the king(s) in the Arabah (south of Kinnereth), the king(s) in the western foothills, the king(s) in Naphoth Dor in the west, the king(s) of the Canaanites in the east and west, the king(s) of the Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites and Jebusites in the hill country, and to the king(s) of the Hivites (below Hermon in the region of Mizpah). This army had as many soldiers as grains of sand on the beach!! They all made camp at the waters of Merom to fight against the Israelites.
Yahweh then tells Joshua not to be scared! Also, after the battle is over, the cult is to also hamstring the enemy's horses and burn their chariots. Obviously, the Israelites win, and after the battle Joshua does as Yahweh directed him to do. Then they go and slaughter everyone in Hazor and burn it to the ground. Then the cult takes over all of the major cities and slaughters everyone while pillaging their shit. So, to make a long story short, the cult takes over and kills everyone. Also, these kings had declared war on the Israelites because Yahweh had possessed them and forced them to do so, thus resulting in their extermination.
Then the cult slaughters the Anakites (giants!) of the hill country (from Hebron, Debir, and Anab to Judah, and maybe some other places). The only survivors apparently lived in the cities of Gaza, Gath, and Ashdod.
Anyway, the entire Promised Land east of the Jordan River was now conquered by the cult, and it was divided into tribal provinces.
12- An inventory of all of the defeated kings...basically, a recap. 31 kings in total were slaughtered (along with most/all of their people, of course).
13- The cult wasn't finished though, according to Yahweh! There was still more land to conquer! In fact, Yahweh says that some this land he will actually conquer himself, for the cult. The land was then to be divided by the 9 tribes and the half-tribe of Manasseh (since the other half had remained east of the Jordan River). Also, the tribe of Levi was to receive no provincial territory since they got to have all of the food offerings and shit. Then it just goes into extreme detail about how the land east of the Jordan River was to be divided.
14- Details of the how the lands west of the Jordan River were divided. Also, Caleb (from Deuteronomy, Chapter 1) gets his inheritance, too, and Joshua blesses him.
15- More territory allotment for the tribes. Also, Caleb led an army to fight off 3 giants- Sheshai, Ahiman, and Talmaj, all who were sons of Anak. Then he marches on Debir (I guess this is a recap? Unclear), promising his daughter in marriage to anyone who can take the city. Othniel, Caleb's nephew, manages to conquer the city, so Caleb gave his daughter to him for marriage (they're cousins! :D). They also get some extra inheritance land or something.. Then there is just more extreme detail about the inheritance of Judah. Also, I guess there were still some holdouts in Jerusalem (the Jebusites) who couldn't be defeated, so they were just allowed to live in the Israelite's kingdom (doesn't this mean that Yahweh DIDN'T fulfill his part of the Covenant?).
16- Description of the borders for the lands of Ephraim and Manasseh. Also, another example of Yahweh not fulfilling his end of the bargain. The Canaanites living at Gezer couldn't be defeated, so they were allowed to just chill, too.
17- More allotments this time. Also, Yahweh breaks the Covenant by not helping drive out several cities of Canaanites, so instead they were just enslaved later when the cult grew more powerful. Also, I guess some of the Israelites (the Josephites) aren't happy with their allotment. Joshua tells them to go fight the giants in the forest nearby. The people are scared, but Joshua assured them that they can do it.
18- The cult then has a huge meeting at the city of Shiloh. 7 tribes also still had yet to receive their inheritance allotment. Joshua tells them to go out and survey the rest of the land to get an idea of the how to divide it up. So they do this, and then come back and began to work out how to divide up the land.
PENDING
19- More details on allotments for the tribes of Simeon, Zebulun, Issachar, Asher, Naphtali, Dan, and also Joshua's family got their own city- Timnath Serah.
20- More explanation of the whole "city as a refuge from accidental killings so the killer won't be killed by the avenger of blood" rules.
21- What about Levite towns? I guess they get some after all, which is detailed here. Also, it says here that Yahweh fulfilled his end of the Covenant with the cult, but we know that this isn't true because earlier it said that there were still some enemies that couldn't be conquered who remained in the land. I guess because they were incorporated into the cult's empire eventually?
PENDING
22- Joshua sends the tribes of Reuben, Gad, and the half-tribe of Manasseh back across the Jordan River. However, soon the western tribes heard that the eastern tribes had built a big sacrificial altar. Presuming that they had turned their backs on the cult, the cult send elders to go and check out what was going on. Luckily, it was all a big misunderstanding! The eastern tribes had built that altar in order to sacrifice to Yahweh, so that in the future there would be no mistake that they too were indeed members of the cult of Yahweh. Also, the altar was given the name "A Witness Between Us That the Lord is Yahweh".
23- At this point, Joshua is old as fuck. Joshua reiterated the rules of the Covenant. Also, more rules for how to deal with the conquered people living within the Promised Land. Besides the obvious stuff, Yahweh stressed that there was to be no associating or intermarrying with infidels outside of the cult!!
24- Joshua basically recaps the story so far, starting from Genesis. He also explicitly reiterates no following of other foreign gods or deities. Then the Israelites make a new covenant with Yahweh that reaffirms all the rules and shit. Joshua also sets up a boulder "to act as witness" for some reason. Then everyone was dismissed and goes back to their respective lands that they've been alotted. Joshua then dies (!) at the tender age of 110. He was buried at Timnath Serah. Joseph's bones were then buried at Shechem. Then Eleazar (son of Aaron) dies and is buried at Gibeah.
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Sunday, December 4, 2016
DEUTERONOMY
1- So Moses then addresses the Israelites after they defeat the Amorite kings Sihon and Og. Moses tells everyone that it's time to leave Mount Horeb (Sinai?) and to invade the rest of the neighboring lands and peoples because Yahweh promised this land to Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and their descendants, so its their birthright. However, at this point the cult has just gotten too big, and Moses feels like it's up to the different tribes to choose a man who is old, wise, and respected, to help manage the cult. These men were then appointed as leaders.
Yahweh then actually says something nice/smart- that the leaders are to also be the judges of the people, and to judge fairly! Even with disputes between Israelites AND foreigners! Also, if any case is too difficult to judge, then Yahweh will judge the case, personally. Anyway, the cult then continues its journey all the way to Kadesh Barnea, the location where the Israelites had the whole "breaking of the rocks for water" incident. This is also located in the hill country of the Amorites, so there were giants around.
Anyway, the cult sends out spies (the 12 leaders) and they scope out the place, finding that it is indeed good land. They then bring back fruit from the Valley of Eshkol as proof of this.
However, the cult was intimidated by the Amorites being giants and having well-fortified cities and shit. On top of this, they also had to go up against the Anakites, who maybe were also giants as well. So of course, Yahweh is still upset that the cult still hasn't trusted fully in his powers (except for Caleb). So, that's why only Caleb (and apparently Joshua, as stated earlier) will be allowed in along with the kids and unborn of the cult. Not even Moses will be allowed in! Everyone else is to turn back and go to the Red Sea to live out their days. The cult tries to protest, saying that they'll be good and fight and stuff, but it's too late! Yahweh won't be there to protect them if they go and fight (which is why the Amorites were able to fuck the cult up when they attacked them previously). The cult not having enough faith is also why they have been wandering around in the desert for years as well.
2- So I guess it's time for the cult to wander around some more. They head towards the Red Sea, and are in the hill country of Seir. Then Yahweh gets bored and tells the cult to head back north through the territory of some of the descendants of Esau, who I guess broke away from the cult awhile ago. Anyway, they're under Yahweh's protection, so Yahweh says that they are to be paid in silver for any food or water the Israelites eat or drink while passing through.
Then the cult passes through Moab, and Yahweh says not to fuck around with the Moabites since that land (or, specifically, the city of Ar) was promised by Yahweh to the Moabites, are the descendants (via incest) of Lot.
Then the as an aside, it's explained that Ar (Moab?) used to belong to the Emites, who were also giants (like the Anakites and Amorites), and were considered to be Rephaites. As we recall, Rephaites are a grace of giants whom the Ammonites (another kingdom) referred to as the "Zamzummin" (due to their speech sounding like buzzing). Anyway, Yahweh crushed them and drove them out for the Moabites, and also did the same shit for the descendants of Esau (at Seir), which originally belonged to the Horites.
Anyway, then Yahweh tells the cult to go cross the Zered Valley. At this point, it's been 38 years of wandering around since they left Kadesh Barnea. The generation of people who had pissed off Yahweh had finally died off, so Yahweh felt that it was finally time to get shit going!
Yahweh also mentions that there were some people/giants dwelling in Gaza too, but they had either been conquered by the Caphtorites (a people from either Egypt or maybe Crete, Cyprus, or somewhere else).
Then Yahweh says to go and cross the Arnon Gorge, and Yahweh will grant the cult victory agaisnt Sihon the Amorite, ruler of Heshbon. Yahweh then says that on this day forth, all of the nations will hear of the cult, and fear them!
Then the Israelites arrive at the Desert of Kedemoth, sending messages of peace to King Sihon, and asking for safe passage through Heshbon. However, King Sihon refuses to let them in because Yahweh manipulates his brain into making him be a dick. So the cult uses this dickery as an excuse to declare war, and they fight the king and his army of Heshbonites at the Battle of Jahaz, and of course the Israelites completely obliterates all human life in the kingdom, including men, women, AND children. Animals, however, are spared (at least). Then, one by one, the towns of Heshbon fall to the cult, and all of the people living in these towns are systematically exterminated. However, they still made sure not to enter into the land of the Ammonites or the other places Yahweh didn't want them to go.
Then the cult arrives at the desert of Kedemoth, sending messages of peace to the king (Sihon) and asking for safe passage through Heshbon. However, Sihon refuses to let them in because Yahweh manipulates his brain into making him be an asshole. So, the cult uses this as an excuse to declare war. The cult fights King Sihon and the Heshbonites at the Battle of Jahaz, and obviously the cult wins and then proceeds to obliterate all human life in the kingdom, annihilating all of the men, women, AND children. Animals, however, are spared. One by one, the towns of Heshbon fall to the cult, and the process of ethnic cleansing is repeated. However, no Ammonite or non-Heshbonite land was encroached upon.
3- Next up to fight is King Og of Bashan, at the battle of Edrei. Yahweh says not to fear, since he's on the cult's side, and also to do to King Og and the Bashanites the same as they did to Heshbon. So the Israelites abide and they go to and fuck up King Og and the entire region of Argob (Bashan). They slaughtered EVERYONE again, from the territory to the east of Jordan, from Arnon Gorge to Mount Hermon. Some more territory too, maybe. Oh, and King Og was the last of the Rephaites (giants?). The cult then divided up the land among the tribes. Yahweh then says that the tribes can't get too comfy in these new territories, as they still have to take over the rest of the Promised Land. Moses then tells Joshua that Joshua is to be the leader of the cult from now on, and to trust in Yahweh. Moses isn't allowed to cross the Jordan River into the Holy Land.
4- Moses then says to not fuck around with or change the laws or words of Yahweh. This shit is non-negotiable. The nation of Israel is to be wise and understanding so as to be an example towards other nations as to what it's like to live with the power of Yahweh. And remember, no idolatry, no making of images of anything living (humans, mammals, birds, fish, insects, etc. No worshiping the sky, the stars, etc. Yahweh is a consuming fire; a jealous god. Also, if anyone fucks this up and starts worshiping other idols or whatever, Yahweh will destroy you!
PENDING
5- Moses then reiterates the 10 Commandments. Yahweh then tells Moses to stay so Yahweh can go over all the teachings and laws and stuff again.
6- Moses then tells everyone to remember the 10 Commandments and Yahweh's laws by teaching them to their children, wear them as accessories, put them in your house, etc. Remember that Yahweh brought the cult out of Egypt, and not to forget him when they're enjoying all the loot and spoils of war and the occupied cities and buildings that they have conquered.
7- Now Moses gets more metal, saying that it's time for more genocide! All the people currently living in the Promised Land (the Hittites, Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites). No mercy. No peace. Also, no intermarriage with any survivors, since the intermarriage will lead the cult members away from Yahweh. Break down their altars. Smash their sacred stones. Destroy their Asherah poles, burn their idols. Also, if you follow the commandments of Yahweh, he will bless you. However, if you don't, he'll kill you! Also, don't pity those whom the cult is to massacre. That will just piss off Yahweh. And no coveting gold or silver plunder, as this will just result in corruption. Finally, don't bring "detestable" shit into your house, like graven images.
8- Yahweh and Moses seem to be obsessed with the idea that once people are happy and have everything in the Promised Land, they'll forget about Yahweh. There is also a long guilt trip too about it, so don't forget about Yahweh or else he will destroy you!
9- Yahweh says that he will lead the charge on enemies in the form of a devouring fire that will obliterate the enemy! Also, Moses says that it is not because of the cult's righteousness for why they are destroying their enemies, but it's because of the occupants' "wickedness". Moses also guilt trips everyone again with a golden calf incident reminder (among others).
10- Recap of when Yahweh and Moses made the new 10 Commandment tablets. These new tablets are still in the Ark.
11- More recaps and guilt trips from Moses. Yahweh also said that he personally controls the weather and living conditions in terms of life sustainability in the Promised Land, so the cult has nothing to worry about. Also, apparently, the Holy Land boundaries are from the desert to Lebanon, and from the Euphrates River to the Mediterranean Sea. Moses says that Yahweh has both blessed and cursed the cult. When the Israelites finally enter the promised land, they must proclaim from Mount Gerezim the blessing, and on Mount Ebal the curses.
12- More reminders about the importance of obliterating everything and everyone, and to build their own place of worship for Yahweh. They must also make sure to only offer sacrifices at designated holy places, not just anywhere! It also pisses off Yahweh that the other cults perform human sacrifice. So, no investigation or curiosity about their pagan rites! They worship in "abominable" ways (sodomy, etc.).
13- Also, if a prophet or soothsayer or seer or whatever comes along and performs miracles and shit and promotes a new religion, YOU MUST NOT LISTEN TO THEM!! Yahweh is testing your faith with these charlatans. These con artists are to be executed! Also, if anyone else close to you (family or friends) tries to get you to join another cult, they are also to be executed via stoning! That way, everyone in the cult will be scared and won't try to pull that shit. Also, if a town starts to worship other gods, investigate what's going on, and if it's true then the entire town must be put to death. Everything must be burned, too, as an offering to Yahweh. THEN the city is to be in ruins, FOREVER. No keeping of any of their stuff for yourself, either!
14- Moses then says that all of the cult are children of Yahweh, although he seems to be speaking metaphorically. Then he says more dietary restrictions regarding clean and unclean animals. No eating roadkill! That's for vultures! Give it to foreigners instead :) Also, tithe rules. 1/10 of all field produce is to be set aside each year, but this tithe is then to be eaten at a designated place by Yahweh so that when you eat it and enjoy it you'll be reminded of him. If you have too much tithe and can't move it, you can change it out for silver and then just go to the holy place and use the silver to buy the food to eat there. Then every 3 years, bring all the tithes of the year to feed the Levites, foreigners, orphans, and widows.
15- Boring debt rules and shit. Debts must be canceled after 7 years. However, this only applies to fellow cult members, of course. It even says that the cult will "lend to many nations, but borrow from none." Also, "you will rule over many nations, but none will rule over you" (ha). Also, Yahweh/Moses is basically saying now to not be shitty about money with each other. If a cult member sells themselves into slavery (as an indentured servant?), they must be free by the seventh year.
Anyway, the firstborn livestock animal are to be slaughtered and eaten in honor of Yahweh, but ONLY if they have no defects. And again, no eating of the blood!
16- Don't forget to celebrate Passover! You have to eat unleavened bread for 7 days and all of that stuff. The Festival of Weeks is to take place 7 weeks before the harvest, and some of the harvest is to be sacrificed to Yahweh. The Festival of Tabernacles is to be 7 days after the food is ready to go. Also, Judges must not be corrupt! No bribery or bullshit! "A bribe blinds the eyes of the wise and twists the words of the innocent." Also, no worshiping of other gods (in case anyone forgot).
17- Yahweh/Moses reiterates animal sacrifice rules. Also, if anyone does evil and worships other gods, kill them via stoning. An investigation has to be conducted first tho, and a conviction can't be passed on the account of one witness. If it's too difficult to judge, take it up with Yahweh (AKA the Levite priests). If you express disagreement with the ruling, you will be executed!
After the Promised Land is settled, a king is to be appointed, chosen by Yahweh. No foreigners can be king! The king also can't be rich or wealthy, and also can't order anyone to go back to Egypt. The king is also to always keep a copy of these laws and read them every day too. Also, no harem :( That will lead his heart astray.
18- Rules for how food and shit is to be distributed among the Levites. Remember! No allotment or inheritance for these guys!
Rules regarding the occult: Yahweh hates child sacrifice, divination, sorcery, interpretation of omens, witchcraft, spell-casting, or contacting the dead. The pagans who are in the Holy Land do all of that shit, and Yahweh hates it!!
There is also a prophecy: Yahweh will bring forth a prophet (like Moses), and the cult must listen to him: this is because the cult can't directly see or hear Yahweh without dying. Yahweh will speak through this prophet. If you don't listen to this prophet, Yahweh will hold you personally responsible! However, FALSE prophets or prophets of other gods are to be slain immediately. But how are they to know if the prophet is true or false? Well, his prophecies won't come true.
19- Reiteration of the rules involving cities as a place of refuge, in addition to a repeat of the witness rule. "Life for life, eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, foot for a foot". Jehovah's Witnesses use this passage as an excuse to not report child molestation or abuse since only one witness can't come forward to report a crime or sin.
20- Before a battle, men should be allowed to not fight if they have a newly built house, a new vineyard, engaged (but not yet married), or just afraid/cowardly/feint of heart.
When attacking a town, there should first be a peace offering. If the peace offering is accepted, the people are to be enslaved. If the peace offering is rejected, attack the town, kill all the men, and plunder everything else. This is how to treat neighboring nations during war. In the Promised Land, however, obliterate EVERYTHING. Even the animals. Everything that breathes. The Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, and Jebusites are to all be massacred. This is because if they are allowed to live, they will get you to follow false gods, which, of course, is explicitly forbidden by Yahweh. Also, when besieging a city, don't cut down any fruit trees!
21- Another rule: if there is an unsolved murder case, you have to get all of the elders together, decapitate a cow near a stream in a valley, and then the elders are to wash their hands over the cow and declare that they themselves aren't the killers or witnesses to the murder, and this counts as atonement which will make Yahweh happy.
Also, it's OK to take enemy women as wives. However, if you do this, you have to shave her head, trim her nails, and get her new clothes. She also has to mourn her parents (who have been slain) for at least a month. However, if the marriage doesn't work out then you have to let her go, because she's not your slave.
Inheritance laws- If a man has 2 wives but doesn't love one of them, and his firstborn son is from the unloved wife, the inheritance still should go to the firstborn son, and should actually get double the share.
If a son is rebellious towards his parents and is overall just a shitty person, he is to be executed via stoning in front of all the elders at the gate of the town.
Last, after an execution, don't leave the body hanging on a pole or tree. Anyone left hanging will bring about a curse from Yahweh, which will desecrate the land.
22- Make sure to take care of neighbor's livestock and stuff. Also, men should not wear women's clothing, and vice versa! This pisses off Yahweh. If you come across a bird's nest, you can take the young birds, but not the mother. If someone falls from the roof of your house, it's your fault! So build a parapet around the roof of your house to prevent injury!
No planting of two kinds of different crops in your garden. This will defile it!
No plowing with an ox and donkey yoked together.
No clothes made of wool and linen together.
The four corners of your cloak must have tassels!
22- More complicated marriage laws. If a woman marries a man, and the man bangs her but isn't happy with her and talks shit and claims she's not a virgin, the girls' parents can go and prove to the elders that she was a virgin by showing them her bloody bedsheets (gross). If the elders are convinced, then the husband is to be fined 100 shekels of silver (to be given to the father of the wife). Then, the husband isn't allowed to divorce her EVER. However, if the parents fail to prove her virginity, she is to be executed, as it is evil to have sex before marriage! Also, if a man commits adultery, both he and his lady on the side are to be executed. If a man rapes a woman, he is to be killed. If a man rapes a virgin, however, he is to pay 50 shekels of silver to the father and then must marry the daughter. He can also never divorce her. A man also isn't allowed to marry his father's wife or have sex with her.
23- More laws. A eunuch is banned from entering the cult. Bastards (and any of their descendants) are also banned. Moabites and Ammonites are banned as well. A treaty of friendship with these people is also forbidden. However, Edomites are OK, as they're family. Surprisingly, Egyptians are OK, too! 3rd generation Egyptians from now on are OK to come to join the cult in the future.
Make sure also that when you attack enemies, your camp stays clean. Should you have a wet dream, you must stay outside of the camp! You can go back in the next day, however, as long as you clean yourself properly. If you have to go to the bathroom, you must go outside of the camp. Also, make sure to bury your shit! No one wants to step in that! Apparently, the camp also must be kept clean because Yahweh himself makes invisible patrols and doesn't want anything in the camp that can make it impure.
As for slaves, if a runaway slave comes into the cult, don't give him back to his masters. THey can live wherever they want, and shouldn't be given any trouble.
No cult members are allowed to be prostitutes. Also, prostitutes (male and female) aren't allowed into a temple or place dedicated to Yahweh. Yahweh hates prostitutes.
No charging interest among your fellow cult members.
If you swear or make a vow to Yahweh, you MUST do it. If you go into a neighbor's garden, you can eat anything, but no taking shit with you or harvesting!
24- OK, so if a man marries a woman and doesn't like her, he can kick her out of the house. If the woman marries another dude but that dude divorces her or dies, the first husband can't marry her again, as this will piss off Yahweh.
If a man is recently married, he doesn't have to go to war for 1 year.
If anyone tries to kidnap or enslave a cult member, they must be killed! Also, if you have a skin disease, follow the instructions of the Levite priests exactly.
If you loan someone some money, don't collect the pledge yourself at the neighbor's house. Stay outside and let the neighbor bring it out to you. If they're poor, don't sleep while their pledge is in your possession.
Don't take advantage of a hired worker who is poor, regardless of if they're a foreigner or Israelite. Pay their wages before each sunset.
Parents are not to be executed for the sins of their kids, and vice versa. Don't deprive the fatherless or foreigners of justice.
When you are working in the fields and accidentally overlook a plant while harversting, leave it so a foreigner, orphan, or widow can have it. The same applies to olives and vineyards.
25- Those found guilty before the judges can only receive a maximum of 40 lashes.
No muzzling of an ox while it is working the field.
If brothers are living together and one of them dies, the dead husband's wife must marry the brother. The first son born out of this marriage is to carry on the name of the dead brother. If the brother doesn't want to do this, he can go before the elders with the widow and she'll take off one of his sandals and spit in his face. The man's line shall be known in the cult as "The Family of the Unsandled".
If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them goes to help her husband and grabs his opponent by his crotch, her hand is to be cut off!
Dishonesty with weights hidden in bags and scales and shit will not be tolerated.
Also, the memory (name) of the Amelekites is to be "blotted out" under heaven.
PENDING
26- Cult members have to give fruit from the first harvest as a sacrifice to Yahweh. Yahweh then reiterates how Levites, orphans, widows, and foreigners get 10% of the tithe on the third year. Also, Yahweh will make the cult more powerful than any other nation if they follow the rules.
27- The cult is to write down the laws on plastered stones everywhere once they conquer the Promised Land. Then they are to make an altar to Yahweh on Mount Ebal, but are not to use any iron tools, only stones.
Then Moses and all the Levite priests say that once they cross the Jordan they will stand on Mount Gerizim and bless and curse (!) everyone. The tribes of Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Joseph, and Benjamin all say blessings, but the tribes of Reuben, Gad, Asher, Zebulun, Dan, and Naphtali all say curses.
Then the Levites say the following curses:
1. Anyone who makes an idol (and sets it up in secret (?)) is cursed!
2. Anyone who dishonors their parents is cursed!
3. Anyone who moves the boundaries of their neighbors' lands is cursed!
4. Anyone who leads the blind astray on the road is cursed!
5. Anyone who withholds justice from a foreigner, an orphan, or a widow, is cursed!
6. Anyone who has sex with his father's wife is cursed!
7. Anyone who has sex with an animal is cursed!
8. Anyone who has sex with their sister or daughter of their father or mother is cursed!
9. Anyone who has sex with their mother-in-law is cursed!
10. Anyone who murders their neighbor secretly (?) is cursed!
11. Anyone who accepts a bribe to murder an innocent person is cursed!
12. Anyone who doesn't uphold the law is cursed!
28- Yahweh will bless the cult in all the typical ways he has stated before if the cult obeys. However, if they disobey, Yahweh promises that all of the blessings will be reversed, and he will plague the land with diseases and kill you!! He will turn the sky into bronze and the ground into iron! Your enemies will kill you!! Animals will eat your carcasses!! You'll have boils and tumors all over your body! Your women will all be raped! All sorts of horrible shit will happen! You'll also start to worship pagan gods of wood and stone, and an enemy nation will conquer you. The people will become like animals, resulting in cannibalism, and you'll be scattered among other nations and enslaved again in Egypt!!
29- Moses then summarizes most of what's happened. Basically, it's a reiteration of the covenant, making this a sort of long-winded "terms of service" agreement. You can't disobey the rules and still think you're blessed, and there are NO compromises. If the cult fucks this up, the land will be a burning waste of salt and sulfur, like Sodom and Gomorrah.
30- If Yahweh destroys the land and scatters the Israelites, they can only return once they agree to turn back to Yahweh 100% with their entire heart and soul. Moses says that there goals are attainable, and you don't have to ascend to Heaven or cross the sea to achieve them. The power is within!
31- Moses then says that he's too old (he's 120) and once again states that Joshua is to be the new leader of the cult, so he'll lead the people into the Promised Land after they (and Yahweh) annihilate all of the people living there.
Also, the laws of Yahweh are to be read every 7 years during the Festival of the Tabernacle.
Then Yahweh summons Moses and Joshua to the Tabernacle, and appears as a cloud pillar. Yahweh then says that the cult is doomed to fail because they are going to start worshiping other gods, thus breaking the covenant.
Then Moses wrote down all of Yahweh's laws in a book, and instructed the Levites to always have this book close to the Ark. Moses believes that the cult will become corrupted and messed up after he dies, so he hopes the book being there will help prevent/prolong this. Then Moses sings a song, which starts up in the next chapter.
32- Moses' song is just a recap of everything that has happened, and also includes some guilt-tripping as well. Then Yahweh tells Moses to go to Mount Nebo in Moab and die. His remains are then to be gathered up by the cult. Yahweh reiterates that Moses can't go into the Promised Land because Yahweh is still made about the Waters of Meribah incident.
33- Then Moses blesses each tribe of Israelites.
34- Then after looking around at the Promised Land from the top of the mountain, Moses dies. He was buried in Moab, but no one today knows the location of the grave. Even though he was 120, he was still in good health (so I guess Yahweh just decided it was time for him to die and put him down?), and the cult mourns for 30 days before Joshua is filled with the wisdom of Yahweh and is appointed the cult's new leader. Since then, there has never been as great a prophet as Moses.
Yahweh then actually says something nice/smart- that the leaders are to also be the judges of the people, and to judge fairly! Even with disputes between Israelites AND foreigners! Also, if any case is too difficult to judge, then Yahweh will judge the case, personally. Anyway, the cult then continues its journey all the way to Kadesh Barnea, the location where the Israelites had the whole "breaking of the rocks for water" incident. This is also located in the hill country of the Amorites, so there were giants around.
Anyway, the cult sends out spies (the 12 leaders) and they scope out the place, finding that it is indeed good land. They then bring back fruit from the Valley of Eshkol as proof of this.
However, the cult was intimidated by the Amorites being giants and having well-fortified cities and shit. On top of this, they also had to go up against the Anakites, who maybe were also giants as well. So of course, Yahweh is still upset that the cult still hasn't trusted fully in his powers (except for Caleb). So, that's why only Caleb (and apparently Joshua, as stated earlier) will be allowed in along with the kids and unborn of the cult. Not even Moses will be allowed in! Everyone else is to turn back and go to the Red Sea to live out their days. The cult tries to protest, saying that they'll be good and fight and stuff, but it's too late! Yahweh won't be there to protect them if they go and fight (which is why the Amorites were able to fuck the cult up when they attacked them previously). The cult not having enough faith is also why they have been wandering around in the desert for years as well.
2- So I guess it's time for the cult to wander around some more. They head towards the Red Sea, and are in the hill country of Seir. Then Yahweh gets bored and tells the cult to head back north through the territory of some of the descendants of Esau, who I guess broke away from the cult awhile ago. Anyway, they're under Yahweh's protection, so Yahweh says that they are to be paid in silver for any food or water the Israelites eat or drink while passing through.
Then the cult passes through Moab, and Yahweh says not to fuck around with the Moabites since that land (or, specifically, the city of Ar) was promised by Yahweh to the Moabites, are the descendants (via incest) of Lot.
Then the as an aside, it's explained that Ar (Moab?) used to belong to the Emites, who were also giants (like the Anakites and Amorites), and were considered to be Rephaites. As we recall, Rephaites are a grace of giants whom the Ammonites (another kingdom) referred to as the "Zamzummin" (due to their speech sounding like buzzing). Anyway, Yahweh crushed them and drove them out for the Moabites, and also did the same shit for the descendants of Esau (at Seir), which originally belonged to the Horites.
Anyway, then Yahweh tells the cult to go cross the Zered Valley. At this point, it's been 38 years of wandering around since they left Kadesh Barnea. The generation of people who had pissed off Yahweh had finally died off, so Yahweh felt that it was finally time to get shit going!
Yahweh also mentions that there were some people/giants dwelling in Gaza too, but they had either been conquered by the Caphtorites (a people from either Egypt or maybe Crete, Cyprus, or somewhere else).
Then Yahweh says to go and cross the Arnon Gorge, and Yahweh will grant the cult victory agaisnt Sihon the Amorite, ruler of Heshbon. Yahweh then says that on this day forth, all of the nations will hear of the cult, and fear them!
Then the Israelites arrive at the Desert of Kedemoth, sending messages of peace to King Sihon, and asking for safe passage through Heshbon. However, King Sihon refuses to let them in because Yahweh manipulates his brain into making him be a dick. So the cult uses this dickery as an excuse to declare war, and they fight the king and his army of Heshbonites at the Battle of Jahaz, and of course the Israelites completely obliterates all human life in the kingdom, including men, women, AND children. Animals, however, are spared (at least). Then, one by one, the towns of Heshbon fall to the cult, and all of the people living in these towns are systematically exterminated. However, they still made sure not to enter into the land of the Ammonites or the other places Yahweh didn't want them to go.
Then the cult arrives at the desert of Kedemoth, sending messages of peace to the king (Sihon) and asking for safe passage through Heshbon. However, Sihon refuses to let them in because Yahweh manipulates his brain into making him be an asshole. So, the cult uses this as an excuse to declare war. The cult fights King Sihon and the Heshbonites at the Battle of Jahaz, and obviously the cult wins and then proceeds to obliterate all human life in the kingdom, annihilating all of the men, women, AND children. Animals, however, are spared. One by one, the towns of Heshbon fall to the cult, and the process of ethnic cleansing is repeated. However, no Ammonite or non-Heshbonite land was encroached upon.
3- Next up to fight is King Og of Bashan, at the battle of Edrei. Yahweh says not to fear, since he's on the cult's side, and also to do to King Og and the Bashanites the same as they did to Heshbon. So the Israelites abide and they go to and fuck up King Og and the entire region of Argob (Bashan). They slaughtered EVERYONE again, from the territory to the east of Jordan, from Arnon Gorge to Mount Hermon. Some more territory too, maybe. Oh, and King Og was the last of the Rephaites (giants?). The cult then divided up the land among the tribes. Yahweh then says that the tribes can't get too comfy in these new territories, as they still have to take over the rest of the Promised Land. Moses then tells Joshua that Joshua is to be the leader of the cult from now on, and to trust in Yahweh. Moses isn't allowed to cross the Jordan River into the Holy Land.
4- Moses then says to not fuck around with or change the laws or words of Yahweh. This shit is non-negotiable. The nation of Israel is to be wise and understanding so as to be an example towards other nations as to what it's like to live with the power of Yahweh. And remember, no idolatry, no making of images of anything living (humans, mammals, birds, fish, insects, etc. No worshiping the sky, the stars, etc. Yahweh is a consuming fire; a jealous god. Also, if anyone fucks this up and starts worshiping other idols or whatever, Yahweh will destroy you!
PENDING
5- Moses then reiterates the 10 Commandments. Yahweh then tells Moses to stay so Yahweh can go over all the teachings and laws and stuff again.
6- Moses then tells everyone to remember the 10 Commandments and Yahweh's laws by teaching them to their children, wear them as accessories, put them in your house, etc. Remember that Yahweh brought the cult out of Egypt, and not to forget him when they're enjoying all the loot and spoils of war and the occupied cities and buildings that they have conquered.
7- Now Moses gets more metal, saying that it's time for more genocide! All the people currently living in the Promised Land (the Hittites, Girgashites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites). No mercy. No peace. Also, no intermarriage with any survivors, since the intermarriage will lead the cult members away from Yahweh. Break down their altars. Smash their sacred stones. Destroy their Asherah poles, burn their idols. Also, if you follow the commandments of Yahweh, he will bless you. However, if you don't, he'll kill you! Also, don't pity those whom the cult is to massacre. That will just piss off Yahweh. And no coveting gold or silver plunder, as this will just result in corruption. Finally, don't bring "detestable" shit into your house, like graven images.
8- Yahweh and Moses seem to be obsessed with the idea that once people are happy and have everything in the Promised Land, they'll forget about Yahweh. There is also a long guilt trip too about it, so don't forget about Yahweh or else he will destroy you!
9- Yahweh says that he will lead the charge on enemies in the form of a devouring fire that will obliterate the enemy! Also, Moses says that it is not because of the cult's righteousness for why they are destroying their enemies, but it's because of the occupants' "wickedness". Moses also guilt trips everyone again with a golden calf incident reminder (among others).
10- Recap of when Yahweh and Moses made the new 10 Commandment tablets. These new tablets are still in the Ark.
11- More recaps and guilt trips from Moses. Yahweh also said that he personally controls the weather and living conditions in terms of life sustainability in the Promised Land, so the cult has nothing to worry about. Also, apparently, the Holy Land boundaries are from the desert to Lebanon, and from the Euphrates River to the Mediterranean Sea. Moses says that Yahweh has both blessed and cursed the cult. When the Israelites finally enter the promised land, they must proclaim from Mount Gerezim the blessing, and on Mount Ebal the curses.
12- More reminders about the importance of obliterating everything and everyone, and to build their own place of worship for Yahweh. They must also make sure to only offer sacrifices at designated holy places, not just anywhere! It also pisses off Yahweh that the other cults perform human sacrifice. So, no investigation or curiosity about their pagan rites! They worship in "abominable" ways (sodomy, etc.).
13- Also, if a prophet or soothsayer or seer or whatever comes along and performs miracles and shit and promotes a new religion, YOU MUST NOT LISTEN TO THEM!! Yahweh is testing your faith with these charlatans. These con artists are to be executed! Also, if anyone else close to you (family or friends) tries to get you to join another cult, they are also to be executed via stoning! That way, everyone in the cult will be scared and won't try to pull that shit. Also, if a town starts to worship other gods, investigate what's going on, and if it's true then the entire town must be put to death. Everything must be burned, too, as an offering to Yahweh. THEN the city is to be in ruins, FOREVER. No keeping of any of their stuff for yourself, either!
14- Moses then says that all of the cult are children of Yahweh, although he seems to be speaking metaphorically. Then he says more dietary restrictions regarding clean and unclean animals. No eating roadkill! That's for vultures! Give it to foreigners instead :) Also, tithe rules. 1/10 of all field produce is to be set aside each year, but this tithe is then to be eaten at a designated place by Yahweh so that when you eat it and enjoy it you'll be reminded of him. If you have too much tithe and can't move it, you can change it out for silver and then just go to the holy place and use the silver to buy the food to eat there. Then every 3 years, bring all the tithes of the year to feed the Levites, foreigners, orphans, and widows.
15- Boring debt rules and shit. Debts must be canceled after 7 years. However, this only applies to fellow cult members, of course. It even says that the cult will "lend to many nations, but borrow from none." Also, "you will rule over many nations, but none will rule over you" (ha). Also, Yahweh/Moses is basically saying now to not be shitty about money with each other. If a cult member sells themselves into slavery (as an indentured servant?), they must be free by the seventh year.
Anyway, the firstborn livestock animal are to be slaughtered and eaten in honor of Yahweh, but ONLY if they have no defects. And again, no eating of the blood!
16- Don't forget to celebrate Passover! You have to eat unleavened bread for 7 days and all of that stuff. The Festival of Weeks is to take place 7 weeks before the harvest, and some of the harvest is to be sacrificed to Yahweh. The Festival of Tabernacles is to be 7 days after the food is ready to go. Also, Judges must not be corrupt! No bribery or bullshit! "A bribe blinds the eyes of the wise and twists the words of the innocent." Also, no worshiping of other gods (in case anyone forgot).
17- Yahweh/Moses reiterates animal sacrifice rules. Also, if anyone does evil and worships other gods, kill them via stoning. An investigation has to be conducted first tho, and a conviction can't be passed on the account of one witness. If it's too difficult to judge, take it up with Yahweh (AKA the Levite priests). If you express disagreement with the ruling, you will be executed!
After the Promised Land is settled, a king is to be appointed, chosen by Yahweh. No foreigners can be king! The king also can't be rich or wealthy, and also can't order anyone to go back to Egypt. The king is also to always keep a copy of these laws and read them every day too. Also, no harem :( That will lead his heart astray.
18- Rules for how food and shit is to be distributed among the Levites. Remember! No allotment or inheritance for these guys!
Rules regarding the occult: Yahweh hates child sacrifice, divination, sorcery, interpretation of omens, witchcraft, spell-casting, or contacting the dead. The pagans who are in the Holy Land do all of that shit, and Yahweh hates it!!
There is also a prophecy: Yahweh will bring forth a prophet (like Moses), and the cult must listen to him: this is because the cult can't directly see or hear Yahweh without dying. Yahweh will speak through this prophet. If you don't listen to this prophet, Yahweh will hold you personally responsible! However, FALSE prophets or prophets of other gods are to be slain immediately. But how are they to know if the prophet is true or false? Well, his prophecies won't come true.
19- Reiteration of the rules involving cities as a place of refuge, in addition to a repeat of the witness rule. "Life for life, eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, foot for a foot". Jehovah's Witnesses use this passage as an excuse to not report child molestation or abuse since only one witness can't come forward to report a crime or sin.
20- Before a battle, men should be allowed to not fight if they have a newly built house, a new vineyard, engaged (but not yet married), or just afraid/cowardly/feint of heart.
When attacking a town, there should first be a peace offering. If the peace offering is accepted, the people are to be enslaved. If the peace offering is rejected, attack the town, kill all the men, and plunder everything else. This is how to treat neighboring nations during war. In the Promised Land, however, obliterate EVERYTHING. Even the animals. Everything that breathes. The Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, and Jebusites are to all be massacred. This is because if they are allowed to live, they will get you to follow false gods, which, of course, is explicitly forbidden by Yahweh. Also, when besieging a city, don't cut down any fruit trees!
21- Another rule: if there is an unsolved murder case, you have to get all of the elders together, decapitate a cow near a stream in a valley, and then the elders are to wash their hands over the cow and declare that they themselves aren't the killers or witnesses to the murder, and this counts as atonement which will make Yahweh happy.
Also, it's OK to take enemy women as wives. However, if you do this, you have to shave her head, trim her nails, and get her new clothes. She also has to mourn her parents (who have been slain) for at least a month. However, if the marriage doesn't work out then you have to let her go, because she's not your slave.
Inheritance laws- If a man has 2 wives but doesn't love one of them, and his firstborn son is from the unloved wife, the inheritance still should go to the firstborn son, and should actually get double the share.
If a son is rebellious towards his parents and is overall just a shitty person, he is to be executed via stoning in front of all the elders at the gate of the town.
Last, after an execution, don't leave the body hanging on a pole or tree. Anyone left hanging will bring about a curse from Yahweh, which will desecrate the land.
22- Make sure to take care of neighbor's livestock and stuff. Also, men should not wear women's clothing, and vice versa! This pisses off Yahweh. If you come across a bird's nest, you can take the young birds, but not the mother. If someone falls from the roof of your house, it's your fault! So build a parapet around the roof of your house to prevent injury!
No planting of two kinds of different crops in your garden. This will defile it!
No plowing with an ox and donkey yoked together.
No clothes made of wool and linen together.
The four corners of your cloak must have tassels!
22- More complicated marriage laws. If a woman marries a man, and the man bangs her but isn't happy with her and talks shit and claims she's not a virgin, the girls' parents can go and prove to the elders that she was a virgin by showing them her bloody bedsheets (gross). If the elders are convinced, then the husband is to be fined 100 shekels of silver (to be given to the father of the wife). Then, the husband isn't allowed to divorce her EVER. However, if the parents fail to prove her virginity, she is to be executed, as it is evil to have sex before marriage! Also, if a man commits adultery, both he and his lady on the side are to be executed. If a man rapes a woman, he is to be killed. If a man rapes a virgin, however, he is to pay 50 shekels of silver to the father and then must marry the daughter. He can also never divorce her. A man also isn't allowed to marry his father's wife or have sex with her.
23- More laws. A eunuch is banned from entering the cult. Bastards (and any of their descendants) are also banned. Moabites and Ammonites are banned as well. A treaty of friendship with these people is also forbidden. However, Edomites are OK, as they're family. Surprisingly, Egyptians are OK, too! 3rd generation Egyptians from now on are OK to come to join the cult in the future.
Make sure also that when you attack enemies, your camp stays clean. Should you have a wet dream, you must stay outside of the camp! You can go back in the next day, however, as long as you clean yourself properly. If you have to go to the bathroom, you must go outside of the camp. Also, make sure to bury your shit! No one wants to step in that! Apparently, the camp also must be kept clean because Yahweh himself makes invisible patrols and doesn't want anything in the camp that can make it impure.
As for slaves, if a runaway slave comes into the cult, don't give him back to his masters. THey can live wherever they want, and shouldn't be given any trouble.
No cult members are allowed to be prostitutes. Also, prostitutes (male and female) aren't allowed into a temple or place dedicated to Yahweh. Yahweh hates prostitutes.
No charging interest among your fellow cult members.
If you swear or make a vow to Yahweh, you MUST do it. If you go into a neighbor's garden, you can eat anything, but no taking shit with you or harvesting!
24- OK, so if a man marries a woman and doesn't like her, he can kick her out of the house. If the woman marries another dude but that dude divorces her or dies, the first husband can't marry her again, as this will piss off Yahweh.
If a man is recently married, he doesn't have to go to war for 1 year.
If anyone tries to kidnap or enslave a cult member, they must be killed! Also, if you have a skin disease, follow the instructions of the Levite priests exactly.
If you loan someone some money, don't collect the pledge yourself at the neighbor's house. Stay outside and let the neighbor bring it out to you. If they're poor, don't sleep while their pledge is in your possession.
Don't take advantage of a hired worker who is poor, regardless of if they're a foreigner or Israelite. Pay their wages before each sunset.
Parents are not to be executed for the sins of their kids, and vice versa. Don't deprive the fatherless or foreigners of justice.
When you are working in the fields and accidentally overlook a plant while harversting, leave it so a foreigner, orphan, or widow can have it. The same applies to olives and vineyards.
25- Those found guilty before the judges can only receive a maximum of 40 lashes.
No muzzling of an ox while it is working the field.
If brothers are living together and one of them dies, the dead husband's wife must marry the brother. The first son born out of this marriage is to carry on the name of the dead brother. If the brother doesn't want to do this, he can go before the elders with the widow and she'll take off one of his sandals and spit in his face. The man's line shall be known in the cult as "The Family of the Unsandled".
If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them goes to help her husband and grabs his opponent by his crotch, her hand is to be cut off!
Dishonesty with weights hidden in bags and scales and shit will not be tolerated.
Also, the memory (name) of the Amelekites is to be "blotted out" under heaven.
PENDING
26- Cult members have to give fruit from the first harvest as a sacrifice to Yahweh. Yahweh then reiterates how Levites, orphans, widows, and foreigners get 10% of the tithe on the third year. Also, Yahweh will make the cult more powerful than any other nation if they follow the rules.
27- The cult is to write down the laws on plastered stones everywhere once they conquer the Promised Land. Then they are to make an altar to Yahweh on Mount Ebal, but are not to use any iron tools, only stones.
Then Moses and all the Levite priests say that once they cross the Jordan they will stand on Mount Gerizim and bless and curse (!) everyone. The tribes of Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar, Joseph, and Benjamin all say blessings, but the tribes of Reuben, Gad, Asher, Zebulun, Dan, and Naphtali all say curses.
Then the Levites say the following curses:
1. Anyone who makes an idol (and sets it up in secret (?)) is cursed!
2. Anyone who dishonors their parents is cursed!
3. Anyone who moves the boundaries of their neighbors' lands is cursed!
4. Anyone who leads the blind astray on the road is cursed!
5. Anyone who withholds justice from a foreigner, an orphan, or a widow, is cursed!
6. Anyone who has sex with his father's wife is cursed!
7. Anyone who has sex with an animal is cursed!
8. Anyone who has sex with their sister or daughter of their father or mother is cursed!
9. Anyone who has sex with their mother-in-law is cursed!
10. Anyone who murders their neighbor secretly (?) is cursed!
11. Anyone who accepts a bribe to murder an innocent person is cursed!
12. Anyone who doesn't uphold the law is cursed!
28- Yahweh will bless the cult in all the typical ways he has stated before if the cult obeys. However, if they disobey, Yahweh promises that all of the blessings will be reversed, and he will plague the land with diseases and kill you!! He will turn the sky into bronze and the ground into iron! Your enemies will kill you!! Animals will eat your carcasses!! You'll have boils and tumors all over your body! Your women will all be raped! All sorts of horrible shit will happen! You'll also start to worship pagan gods of wood and stone, and an enemy nation will conquer you. The people will become like animals, resulting in cannibalism, and you'll be scattered among other nations and enslaved again in Egypt!!
29- Moses then summarizes most of what's happened. Basically, it's a reiteration of the covenant, making this a sort of long-winded "terms of service" agreement. You can't disobey the rules and still think you're blessed, and there are NO compromises. If the cult fucks this up, the land will be a burning waste of salt and sulfur, like Sodom and Gomorrah.
30- If Yahweh destroys the land and scatters the Israelites, they can only return once they agree to turn back to Yahweh 100% with their entire heart and soul. Moses says that there goals are attainable, and you don't have to ascend to Heaven or cross the sea to achieve them. The power is within!
31- Moses then says that he's too old (he's 120) and once again states that Joshua is to be the new leader of the cult, so he'll lead the people into the Promised Land after they (and Yahweh) annihilate all of the people living there.
Also, the laws of Yahweh are to be read every 7 years during the Festival of the Tabernacle.
Then Yahweh summons Moses and Joshua to the Tabernacle, and appears as a cloud pillar. Yahweh then says that the cult is doomed to fail because they are going to start worshiping other gods, thus breaking the covenant.
Then Moses wrote down all of Yahweh's laws in a book, and instructed the Levites to always have this book close to the Ark. Moses believes that the cult will become corrupted and messed up after he dies, so he hopes the book being there will help prevent/prolong this. Then Moses sings a song, which starts up in the next chapter.
32- Moses' song is just a recap of everything that has happened, and also includes some guilt-tripping as well. Then Yahweh tells Moses to go to Mount Nebo in Moab and die. His remains are then to be gathered up by the cult. Yahweh reiterates that Moses can't go into the Promised Land because Yahweh is still made about the Waters of Meribah incident.
33- Then Moses blesses each tribe of Israelites.
34- Then after looking around at the Promised Land from the top of the mountain, Moses dies. He was buried in Moab, but no one today knows the location of the grave. Even though he was 120, he was still in good health (so I guess Yahweh just decided it was time for him to die and put him down?), and the cult mourns for 30 days before Joshua is filled with the wisdom of Yahweh and is appointed the cult's new leader. Since then, there has never been as great a prophet as Moses.
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