1- Yahweh decides to create the heavens and the earth. Earth is "formless and empty", and there is "darkness over the surface of the deep" (whoa), and Yahweh is floating around over the waters. Then Yahweh creates light, which separates the light from the darkness, and he calls the light "day" and the darkness "night". Then separates the water and the air by creating a sky with the water underneath it. Then Yahweh creates land by separating the dry parts from the water. Then Yahweh creates vegetation. On the third day Yahweh creates stars, the moon, and the sun (to serve as signs for the humans to tell time and know when special days were and shit). On the fourth day Yahweh creates creatures that fly and swim, and then on the fifth day he creates land animals and humans. What's weird here is that he says "let US make mankind in OUR image"...so is there more than one god? Or is it just a matter of speaking? Anyway, Yahweh then decrees that because we are made in the image of him/gods, we are to rule over the animal kingdom. He then blesses the humans and instructs humans to reproduce and "subdue" the earth. Everything is ours for food, both animals and plants. Anyway, then it's the sixth day. I'm assuming Yahweh does some more stuff on that day, and then on the seventh day he chills out.
2- Yahweh then forms man out of the dust in the ground and gives him life by breathing into his nostrils. Then Yahweh creates a garden in Eden, a place east of Israel. In the middle of the Garden of Eden there are two special trees- the Tree of Life, and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Yahweh puts the man to work in the garden, and tells him that he can eat from any tree EXCEPT the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. If he eats from it, he "will certainly die". Yahweh then notices that the man, named Adam, needed a helper in the garden, so while he's sleeping Yahweh takes out of one of his ribs and creates a woman from it. Then he introduces the woman to Adam, and Adam says that the woman is "bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh", and that she shall be called "woman" because she is from "man". This also explains why we come out of our parents and unite with our lovers to be one flesh (or something like that). Anyway, during this time Adam and his wife are naked and they feel no shame in being so.
3- First appearance of The Serpent! The Serpent, who's smarter than any of the other animals, starts talking to the woman, telling her that she won't actually die if she eats from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, and that her eyes will just be opened and she will be like Yahweh, knowing the difference between good and evil. So, the woman eats some fruit from the tree and then gives some of the fruit to Adam, who also eats it. Adam and the woman immediately realize that they are naked, and decide to clothe themselves in aprons made of fig leaves. Embarrassed, they hear Yahweh walking around in the garden, so they hide. Yahweh calls out to them and they start talking, and it doesn't take long for Yahweh to realize what has happened. Yahweh then curses The Serpent and declares that he and his progeny, and the woman her progeny, shall forever be enemies from that moment forth. Anyway, because the woman broke the rules, Yahweh cursed her with making childbirth extremely painful, and that Adam was now to rule over her as her master (haha). Adam is then cursed with having to work hard and toil in the field to grow food and shit. Adam then names his woman Eve (meaning "living" maybe?) because she is the mother over all living things. So Yahweh then makes some clothes out of skinned animals for Adam and Eve to wear, and then kicks them out of Eden. Yahweh then has some cherubim guard the east side of Eden along with a flaming sword that swings back and forth (kind of cool!).
4- So then Adam bangs Eve and Cain is born. Then Cain's little brother, Abel, is born. Cain is a farmer and Abel is a shepherd. Cain and Abel get older and make sacrificial offerings to Yahweh, and Yahweh approves of Abel's offering but not of Cain's (not very nice). So Cain decides to kill Abel (out of jealousy or frustration I guess). This pisses off Yahweh, and he decides to curse Cain so that he won't successfully be able to farm food from the earth, and will have to just be a drifter. Cain then thinks that this punishment is too harsh because wherever he goes, people will want to kill him, so Yahweh "marks" him (whatever that means) to let people know who he is, but also decrees that if Cain is killed, Yahweh's vengeance will be "avenged sevenfold". So Cain wanders east of Eden into the Land of Nod (?). Cain then finds a wife (who? how? there's no one else around! unless....this "wife" isn't a human/homo-sapien). Cain and his wife have a son- Enoch. Cain then builds a city (whoa) and names it Enoch, after his son (he must have really liked that name). Anyway, then at this point they get into the family lineage of Cain a bit. Meanwhile, back with Adam and Eve, they have another son, named Seth. Then Seth took a wife (?) and they had a son, named Enosh.
5- So now it traces the family lineage from Adam down to Noah. BTW these people all live like hundreds of years and shit. Noah himself becomes a dad at 500 years of age, for example. Noah's three sons are Shem, Ham, and Japeth.
6- So people begin spreading throughout the world! We also start learning about the giants of the earth (the Nephilim), who are apparently the offspring of the "sons of Yahweh" and human females. There's lots of speculation as to what this actually means, but it seems as if the Nephilim are really powerful. Mankind ends up being scum, so this pisses off Yahweh and he decides to just destroy everything. He does, however, like Noah, because Noah is righteous and still worships Yahweh and stuff. So Yahweh tells Noah to make an ark and to bring his family and 2 of every kind of air and land animal (male and female). He's also to bring every kind of natural food and stuff like that. So Noah does this (!).
7- Yahweh tells Noah to go into the ark because he's going to make it rain for 40 nights and 40 days. Everything is destroyed (except for Noah and everything that has somehow fit in his tiny ark). Oh, also Noah is like 600 years old at this time. Finally Yahweh stops making it rain, and the water levels return to normal (after 150 days).
8- Finally, after the water levels return to normal, the ark is stuck on the mountains of Ararat. Noah then opens a window out of the ark and sends a raven to scout, then a dove, but the dove couldn't find anywhere to land so it returns. She is then sent out again, and returns with an olive leaf in her mouth. This implies that there is dry land. The dove is then sent out again, and it doesn't return. Noah now knows that the Earth is dry. So Yahweh then tells Noah to leave the ark and have the animals repopulate the Earth. Noah then builds an altar to Yahweh and sacrifices some animals as burnt offerings, one out of every clean beast. Yahweh then decides to not curse the ground anymore or destroy every living thing again, because man is inherently evil and that's just the way it is. “As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease.”
9- Yahweh tells Noah and his family to repopulate Earth. Yahweh then gives humans dominion over Earth- all beasts are meat and plants are food...except meat which still contains blood. It seems like this is where Jehovah's Witness get the "no blood transfusions!" rule or whatever. Also, Yahweh says that people shouldn't hurt or kill each other because we are all images of Yahweh/"God"/"gods". "Whoever sheds human blood, by humans shall their blood be shed." The symbol of Yahweh's covenant with the Earth is a rainbow.
Anyway, Noah has a son named Ham, and Ham has a son named Canaan. Noah then starts up a vineyard and becomes a drunk. One day he passes out naked, waking up after his sons cover him up. This pisses him off for some reason, and he blames Canaan for telling the others that he was naked, even though it was Ham's fault (?). Noah curses Canaan to be a slave to his brothers, and then he dies at the age of 950! Holy shit!
10- THE TABLE OF NATIONS (sons, descendents, etc.):
-JAPETH: Gomer, Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Meshek and Tiras.
-GOMER: Ashkenaz, Riphath and Togarmah.
-JAVAN: Elishah, Tarshish, the Kittites, the Rodanites (from these clans, maritime peoples spread out into their territories by their clans within their nations, each with its own language).
-HAM: Cush, Egypt, Put, Canaan.
-CUSH: Seba, Havilah, Sabtah, Raamah, Sabteka, Nimrod (Nimrod was a mighty hunter who established a kingdom that included the cities of Babylon, Uruk, Akkad, Kalneh, and also built the cities of Nineveh, Rehoboth Ir, Calah, and Resen).
-RAAMAH: Sheba, Dedan.
-EGYPT: Ludites, Anamites, Lehabites, Naphtuhites, Pathrusites, Kasluhites (ancestors of the Philistines), and Caphtorites.
-CANAAN: Sidon, Hittites, Jebusites, Amorites,Girgashites, Hivites, Arkites, Sinites, Arvadites, Zemarites, and Hamathites.
-SHEM: Elam, Ashur, Arphaxad, Lud and Aram.
-ARAM: Uz, Hul, Gether and Meshek.
-ARPHAXAD: Shelah.
-SHELAH: Eber.
-EBER: Peleg, Joktan.
-JOKTAN: Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah, Hadoram, Uzal, Diklah, Obal, Abimael, Sheba, Ophir, Havilah, and Jobab.
Apparently, all these people spread out over the Earth after the flood levels returned to normal.
11- Everyone on Earth now speaks the same language. The people in Shinar (somewhere in Mesopotamia, maybe Babylon?) want to build a huge tower. This pisses off Yahweh, so he makes it so that everyone speaks different languages and then scatters them all over the world. The city is now called Babel. Then this dude named Abram marries Sarai, but Sarai is barren. Abram's father, Terah, then takes Abram and his family Ur to Canaan, but they stopped in Haran (modern-day Turkey?) for some time.
12- Yahweh then tells Abram to leave Haran and go to a new place, where Yahweh will grant him a mighty nation. So Abram leaves with Sarai, his nephew Lot, and a band of followers to Canaan. They arrive and build an altar to Yahweh, thus turning his band into a cult. Abram then goes south for some reason. Then there's a famine, so Abram and his crew travel south to Egypt. However, before going south Abram demands that Sarai pretend she is Abram's sister, not his wife, I guess so that Abram won't be killed? Apparently Sarai his hot, so if they wanted to rape her or take her for themselves they would just kill Abram, but since Abram will be assumed to be Sarai's bro then he'll be fine. Sure enough, the pharaoh of Egypt takes Sarai to be his concubine, but this pisses of Yahweh so he unleashes plagues upon the pharaoh and his people. The pharaoh freaks out and banishes Abram and his people from Egypt. This is kind of a con job on the part of Abram and his cult, because they basically pimped out Sarai to gain safe haven in Egypt...
13- Abram leaves Egypt with his crew and then heads south. For some reason, Abram and Lot don't get along, so the cult splits up between Lot and Abram. Lot and his crew head east to Jordan with his crew, and Abram stays in Canaan. Yahweh promises that Canaan will be Abram's and his family's forever (a "promised land").
14- Meanwhile, there was a big war between a bunch of cities, and Lot, who was living in the city of Sodom at the time, was taken prisoner by invaders. Abram finds out, and arms his servants and sets out with them to rescue Lot. Abram then chases down and kills the invader king, rescues Lot and his people, and then also acquires all of the loot from Sodom. The King of Sodom then meets with Abram and his warriors as well as the King of Jerusalem and they become friends.
15- Yahweh then tells Abram that this is the Promised Land, and that Abram's descendants are to be as numerous as the stars! Abram then makes some sacrifices to Yahweh, but when night come Yahweh tells Abram that his descendants will also be slaves for about 400 years before finally being able to settle in the Promised Land for real. They will however be ensured great wealth. Also, the Promised Land encompasses lands belonging to other people, including the Hittites and "others" (giants??).
16- Anyway, Sarai has an Egyptian servant named Hagar. Sarai takes one for the team and offers Hagar to Abram to be a surrogate mother to Abram's children since Sarai herself is barren. Unfortunately, Hagar catches feelings for Abram after they have sex, and grows jealous of Sarai. This pisses off Sarai, so she beats Hagar, which causes Hagar to run away. However, Yahweh's angel says that Hagar is pregnant with a child named Ishmael, who will grow up to be a wild man. She will also return to Abram and Sarai. Thus, she eventually returns to camp and gives birth to Ishmael. Oh by the way, Abram is also 86 at this time!
17- Yahweh says that Abram is now to be known as "Abraham" ("father of many nations"), and then declares that every male in the cult is to be circumcised (random!). Abraham is now 99 years-old. Sarai is renamed "Sarah", and Yahweh declares that he will magically make Sarah pregnant even though she is 90. So what was the point of all of that with Hagar and shit? Anyway, Abraham and all of the men circumcise themselves as a symbol of Yahweh's covenant with Abraham (weird).
18- So Abraham is now just chilling in his tent, and is approached by three dudes AND Yahweh! Abraham then washes their feet and eats with them under a tree, and they talk about how Sarah will soon have a son. Sarah, eavesdropping, laughs, because it's absurd at her age that she could possibly get pregnant. The men hear her laughter and ask her why she's laughing, as if anything is too ridiculous for Yahweh to do. Then Sarah denies laughing (?).
Anyway, Yahweh then tells Abraham that he's going to do something about the cities Sodom and Gomorrah, since they're so full of sin and vice. Abraham questions Yahweh's plan...what if innocent people die? After some debate, Yahweh says that if there are at least 10 righteous men found living in the cities, Yahweh won't fuck with them, or at least Sodom, since that's where Lot lives.
19- Two of Yahweh's angels go check out Sodom and see what Lot is up to. However, when they go to Lot's home a mob forms outside of Lot's house because they want to rape the angels (??). So, to be polite to the angels, Lot offers up his own virgin daughter to the mob instead (???). The mob isn't down with that, so they try to break into Lot's home. This pisses off Yahweh, so he destroys both Sodom and Gomorrah in a flurry of fire and brimstone after Lot and his family escape. Oh and Lot's daughters then get him drunk and have sex with him (??????). One of his daughters has a son named Moab, and the other has a son named Benammi.
20- Abraham then goes around with his cult and ends up giving Sarah over to a king again, this time the King Abimelech of Gerar. Is Abraham a con artist? Why is he doing this?? Where are they trying to go? Why do these kings want to have sex with Sarah even though she is like 90 years-old?? Anyway Yahweh is then going to kill King Abimelech for taking Sarah as his own, but the king argues with Yahweh and Yahweh changes his mind. Then Yahweh says that it is because of him that the king didn't sin (weird part). Oh and then we find out that Sarah is actually Abraham's half-sister (gross and weird because that means they actually are brother and sister?? So why did they pretend earlier?).
21 - Then there's an argument between King Abimelech, Phicol (his general), and Abraham. Maybe some Philistines attacked Abraham's cult and seized his property that contained a well (or something). Anyway, Abraham decides to smooth things over by offering tribute to the king. They name this place "Beersheba" ("Well of the Oath").
Sarah is now pregnant! She soon gives birth to Isaac, who is soon circumcised. However, Sarah finds Hagar's son Ishmael either annoying or offensive due to him mocking her or something, so she tells Abraham to kick Hagar and Ishmael out of the cult. Yahweh agrees, too. Yahweh also says that not only will Isaac make a great nation, but so will Ishmael, so they go off into the desert. Ishmael then grows up to be a wild dude and an archer, and marries some Egyptian chick.
22- Now we're at the story of Abraham and Isaac. Yahweh tells Abraham that he wants a sacrifice! So Abraham takes Isaac and lies to him, telling him that it's going to be an animal sacrifice, but actually Yahweh had instructed Abraham to sacrifice Isaac! Abraham ties up Isaac and is about to kill him, when suddenly an angel shows up to stop the sacrifice, and Abraham just kills an animal instead. Yahweh is pleased with this, and Abraham passes his test of faith. Pretty sick :(
23- Abraham buries Sarah, who dies at age 127 in the Cave of Machpelah, a place purchased from Ephron the Hittite.
24- Nothing really happens here except for Isaac marrying Rebekah, who I'm pretty sure is related to him, maybe a cousin, since Abraham wanted to keep relations within the family. Gross.
25- Isaac and Rebekah have kids after Abraham dies. 2 sons- Esau and Jacob. Esau is a badass hunter, but Jacob just hangs out and farms. Isaac favors Esau, but Rebekah favors Jacob. Anyway, I guess Esau is starving for some reason, and begs Jacob for some food. Jacob says OK, but he wants Esau's inheritance. Esau agrees and trades his inheritance for some food (lol). Oh and also we find out that Abraham has concubines, with whom he also has children.
26- Now there's another famine, so Isaac and his cult go back to King Abimelech and hang out there. King Abimelech treats his guest well. Then Esau marries 2 Hittite chicks, which pisses off Isaac and Rebekah, presumably because these Hittite chicks aren't in the cult/family.
27- Isaac is now old and blind, and in order to gain his father's favor, Jacob hunts and gets some venison for him, but pretends to be Esau (??). Isaac figures this out, and realizes that Esau will want to kill Jacob for this, so he tells Jacob and PENDING
28- So Isaac sends Jacob off to go marry his cousin, and on his way Jacob sees some crepuscular rays, or a "ladder" going up to heaven with angels flying around or something. Jacob renames this place "Bethel" ("House of God").
29- Jacob then goes to Haran where some of his relatives live, and happens to see Rachel, his cousin, and falls in love with her. He tries to marry her, and works for his uncle Laban (Rachel's dad) for 7 years. However, when it came down to it, Jacob accidentally married and banged Leah (how???), his other cousin and Rachel's sister. Dick move on Laban's part to marry off Leah to Jacob instead of Rachel. Then Laban says that if Jaob worked another 7 years, he would give Rachel to Jacob as a second wife. Jacob agrees and marries Rachel after 7 days, and then works another 7 years for Laban. Anyway, Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah, and this hurts Leah's feelings. However, Rachel ends up being barren, so Yahweh decides to even the playing field by using magic to grant her the ability to give birth. So, she eventually gives birth to Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah. PENDING
30- Rachel really wants her own kids, so she gives Jacob her maid, Bilah, to bang and be a surrogate mother. So Jacob goes for it and bangs her, and she gives birth Dan and Naphtali. Leah realizes that she can do the same thing and have even more kids, so she hooks Jacob up with her maid, Zilpah. Damn! So Jacob bangs Zilpah and she pops out Gad and Asher. Then Leah bangs Jacob and they have 3 more kids- Issachar, Zebulun, and Dinah. Then Rachel (!) gets pregnant via Yahweh's divine powers and she gives birth to Joseph and Benjamin.
31- After all of this, Jacob wants to go back home to his parents. Too much sex! However, Uncle Laban doesn't want Jacob to leave because he doesn't want Yahweh's fortune to leave with Jacob. So Laban proposes to pay Jacob to stay, and Jacob demands that he be paid in goats and sheep. PENDING
Yahweh tells Jacob to just leave Laban, so Jacob takes his family and leaves. Rachel takes Laban's "teraphim" (household idols?) with her and Laban chases them down, finds them, and demands his teraphim back. Jacob didn't know that Rachel had taken the teraphim, so Laban goes to Rachel's tent to ask her for the idols back, but she sits on the idols and says that she can't get up because she's on her period (??), so Laban leaves, but first he makes peace with Jacob.
32- Jacob comes back to Canaan with his family, but he found that Esau is coming to meet him with 400 warriors. Jacob is really scared, so he sends Esau a tribute of some herd animals in hopes of pacifying Esau and his army. Later, Jacob is alone and suddenly starts wrestling with some guy (?). They wrestle all night (??) and because the mysterious stranger is unable to overcome Jacob, he "touches" Jacob's thigh tendon which causes Jacob to have a limp. That's why Jews don't eat animal leg tendons, apparently. Then Jacob demands that the dude blesses him. The dude then declares that Jacob's new name is "Israel", a name which has multiple interpretations. Jacob/Israel then asks the dude for his name, but the dude won't tell him. Apparently, Jacob/Israel believe that the dude is either Yahweh, or an angel of Yahweh, stating that he has "Yahweh face to face, and my life is preserved". Then he names the place "Penuel" ("Face of God").
33- Jacob/Israel and Esau finally meet up, and Esau isn't mad. Phew! Esau then offers to go with Jacob/Israel back home, but Jacob/Israel politely declines. They agree to meet up again at Mount Seir. Then Jacob/Israel and his crew travel to Schechem, on the way to the mountain.
34- At Schechem, the ruler of the place, Hamor, has a son, also named Schechem, who kidnaps and rapes Dinah, one of Jacob/Israel's daughters. Afterwards, he's still really into her and wants to marry her. Surprisingly Jacob/Israel's sons (I guess Jacob/Israel isn't there?) agree to this on the grounds that they all are able to marry Hamor's daughters. Also, they demand that they get to live in Hamor's lands, and that all the men circumcise themselves as sign of pledging allegiance to the cult. However, this was a ruse!! After 3 days, Simeon and Levi kill everyone in Hamor's family, and all of the men in Schechem! Damn! Then they rescue Dinah, destroy the town, and steal all the herd animals, treasure, women, and children. This pisses off Jacob/Israel. He believes that now the other neighboring tribes will gang up against Jacob/Israel and the cult and try to kill them for the violence against Schechem.
35- Anyway, so Jacob/Israel then goes back to Bethel and hangs out with Yahweh. Also, nobody fucks with Jacob/Israel and his crew because they have the power of Yahweh! Rebekah's nurse, Deborah, then dies and it's assumed that Rebakah is dead as well. On the way to Bethlehem Rachel dies giving birth to Benjamin. Reuben then hooks up with Bilhah, Rachel's servant. Jacob/Israel meets up with Isaac at Mamre, and Isaac dies at age 180.
36- Family tree stuff.
37- The story of Joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat! Anyway, Joseph is Jacob/Israel's favorite son. This pisses off his brothers, so they constantly make fun of him. He often tells his dad about this because Joseph was Jacob/Israel's favorite, and Jacob/Israel had also made Joseph a tunic of many colors, which must have really annoyed his brothers. Then Joseph began to have vivid dreams of his family as subordinates to him, which finally seemed to push his brothers too far...even Jacob/Israel was pissed off at this point. Eventually, things come to a head when Jacob/Israel sends Joseph to go check on his brothers and see how they're doing while they're feeding the animals. His brothers had conspired to kill Jacob/Israel and throw him into a pit and claim that Joseph was killed by a wild animal in order to scare him into not being such a brat. So Joseph comes along and they steal his coat and throw him into a pit. Then comes along a trading caravan headed to Egypt, so the brothers quickly decide to just sell Joseph into slavery! Then the brothers kill a goat and take the goat blood and put it on Joseph's coat. Then they take the coat to Jacob/Israel and show him what happened. Jacob/Israel is sad and cries for days. Jacob/Israel then says he will go to Sheol (the Jewish underworld) mourning the loss of Joseph.
Meanwhile, Joseph is sold to Potiphar, an officer of the Egyptian pharaoh and captain of the guard.
38- So Judah then leaves his brothers and goes to a town called Adullam to stay with a dude named Hirah. When he gets there he meets the daughter of a Canaanite man named Shua, and he marries her and they have 3 sons together- Er (haha), Onan, and Shelah. Er then marries a woman named Tamar. However, unfortunately for Er, Yahweh decides to kill him just because he's "wicked" in Yahweh's opinion. Damn! Anyway, because Er is now dead, Judah tells Onan that it's his job to continue the family line, so he has to marry/bang Tamar in order do this (a levirate marriage). However, because of Jewish law at that time, any sons that Tamar produces would inherit Er's wealth, even though technically they're Onan's kids, which Onan wasn't down with. So, whenever he banged Tamar, he pulled out and came all over the floor, and this really pissed off Yahweh, so Yahweh kills Onan (This is actually an interesting part of the Bible because we don't know exactly why Yahweh did this. Different religions/religious denominations interpret this passage in a variety of ways, everything from being anti-masturbation to anti-coitus interruptus, to even just Onan refusing to continue the family line, or even Onan banging his brother's wife in the first place!). Anyway, so Tamar goes and lives with her father as a widow, waiting for Judah's third son, Shelah, to come of age.
Some time passes, Judah's wife dies, and when he's gets over it he travels to Timnah with his friend Hirah the Adullamite. For whatever reason, Tamar decides that she wants to bang Judah, so she disguises herself with a veil to meet and seduce Judah on his way to town. When Judah sees her, he thinks she's a prostitute, and propositions her, promising to give her a goat if she does so. As collateral, he gives her his seal with a cord and a staff. So she agrees, they bang, and then she gets pregnant. Judah then sends Timnah to go to Timnah to deliver the goat to the "shrine prostitute" (Tamar), but the people there tell him that there's no shrine prostitute there. This is embarrassing for Judah.
Three months later, Judah finds out that Tamar is pregnant and guilty of prostitution, so he orders her to be burned to death. However, before she's put to death, she says that the father of her child is the owner of the staff and seal with the cord. Judah then realizes what has happened, and says that Tamar is actually more righteous than he is, because he wouldn't allow her to have sex with Shelah. The Bible then makes it explicitly clear that Tamar and Judah never had sex again.
Anyway, Tamar eventually gives birth to twin boys, Zerah and Perez. Right before exiting the womb, Zerah sticks his hand out, so the midwife ties a red chord around the wrist to note that he was born first, even though technically it's Perez who comes out first. However, because Zerah stuck his hand out first, he's the one who was considered the firstborn (they were able to tell the difference because of the red chord).
39- So last time we checked, Joseph is a servant of Potiphar, captain of the guard and officer of the court of the Egyptian pharaoh. Yahweh favored Joseph, so he prospered. Potiphar noticed that Joseph was blessed by Yahweh, so he too favored Joseph as well and put him in charge of the household. As an extension, everything in Potiphar's household was also blessed because of Joseph.
Anyway, Joseph was really hot, so after a while Potiphar's wife tried to bang him. However, Joseph, being a righteous man, always rebuked her advances. Finally, Potiphar's wife tries one last time to fuck him, but Joseph runs away. Unfortunately for him, Potiphar's wife tears his cloak off of him before he gets away. She then tells everyone, including Potiphar, that Joseph tried to rape her. So Joseph gets thrown in prison.
Luckily, Yahweh is still with Joseph, so he finds favor with the prison warden. The prison warden actually favored Joseph so much that he actually let Joseph run the entire prison himself!
40- After Joseph was thrown in prison, so were the pharaoh's chief cup-bearer and chief baker. They both soon have mysterious dreams. The cup-bearer's dream involved holding a grapevine, which has 3 branches. He then puts the the grapes in the pharaoh's cup. The chief baker's dream involves 3 baskets of bread on his head, which were supposed to be for the pharaoh, but some birds come along and eat the bread instead. They told this to Joseph, and he interprets their dreams to mean that that cup-bearer will get his job back, but the baker will be executed. This turns out to be true, and the baker ends up being killed and the cup-bearer is restored to his old job. However, the cup-bearer was supposed to remember Joseph in prison, but he forgot about him. What a jerk!
41- 2 years pass...the pharaoh has 2 dreams. He dreams of 7 fat cows that emerge from the Nile, followed by 7 skinny cows. Then the 7 skinny cows ate the 7 fat cows. Then the pharaoh woke up. Then he fell asleep again and had a second dream- 7 healthy heads of grain were growing on a single stalk, but then 7 other thin and scorched heads of grain sprouted and swallowed up the healthy heads of grain. After waking up, the pharaoh tried to have his dreams interpreted by wizards and wise men, but no one can figure it out. However, all of this dream interpretation stuff reminds the cup-bearer of Joseph, so he tells the pharaoh about him. So, the pharaoh summons Joseph to court, but Joseph tells the pharaoh that it's not through his own power that he can interpret the dreams, but through the power of Yahweh! Joseph then tells the pharaoh that the dreams mean that there will be 7 years of plenty, followed by 7 years of famine. Therefore, the Egyptians should prepare for this by stockpiling grain. The pharaoh agrees, and then appoints Joseph as vizier of Egypt (hand of the king). Joseph is then given the pharaoh's ring, a gold necklace, fancy clothes, and new, Egyptian name- Zaphenath-Paneah. He's also given a wife- Asenath, daughter of Potiphera, a priest from On (also called Iunu by the Egyptians, or Heliolopolis by the Greeks, as it was the center of the cult of Ra). As vizier, Joseph made sure that Egypt stockpiled an abundance of grain. He also had 2 children with Asenath- Manasseh and Ephraim. The famine soon hits, but Egypt had prepared well thanks to Joseph, so people came from all over the land to buy food from the Egyptians.
42- The famine is so bad that Joseph's family back in Canaan is incredibly desperate for food and sends his brothers to Egypt (except for Benjamin) to try and get food from them. When they come to meet Joseph, they don't recognize him. However, Joseph recognizes them. Still pissed off at them, he decides to fuck with them and accuses them of being spies. For some reason, he demands that Benjamin, still back in Canaan, come to Egypt to vouch for them. After staying in prison for 3 days, Joseph brings them out for questioning. His brothers talk to each other, saying that they're in this pickle because of what they did to Joseph (I guess believing it to be a form of divine retribution or something?). Joseph then takes Simeon from them and fills up their sacks with food and money. The brothers then go back home and tell Jacob/Israel what happened.
43- They're also surprised to find money in their sacks. Jacob/Israel is kind of pissed about what happened, but sends his sons back to Egypt to get more food, this time with Benjamin. They go back to Joseph's house, and although they're scared because they thought the money in their sacks was indicative of a missed transaction, they are met with hospitality. Although Joseph was trying to seem normal, deep down he is an emotional wreck. Later, Joseph personally serves his family some leftover food from a feast that the Egyptians were having, something which shocked everyone because at the time Egyptians believed that dining with Hebrews was "an abomination".
44- The Hebrews stay the night, and while they're sleeping Joseph loads up their donkeys with food, extra money, and a silver cup. On their way back to Canaan, they are stopped by Joseph's steward, who questions them about the silver cup. They're then taken back to Egypt and questioned by Joseph. Joseph decrees that the man who stole the cup shall be his slave (Benjamin). Judah pleads with Joseph to let Benjamin be free, and that Judah stay in Benjamin's place.
45- Finally, Joseph breaks down and tells them everything. Then he tells them to go get the family and bring them to live in Goshen (an Egyptian province). They go back to Egypt and tell Jacob/Israel everything, and he agrees to move to Goshen to survive the famine.
46- So Jacob/Israel gathers up his family/cult and heads off for Egypt. They arrive in Goshen and Joseph comes out to meet his dad. They meet, and it's emotional since it's been like 20 years. Jacob/Israel then says he's ready to die.
47- The Hebrews then meet the Pharaoh. The Pharaoh really takes a shine to them, and says taht if they want they can oversee the management of all the Egyptian livestock. Then Jacob/Israel blesses the Pharaoh and the family chills in Goshen. Some time passes, and Jacob/Israel is truly ready to die at this point, but he requests that he be buried in Canaan, not Egypt. Joseph says that he'll make sure it gets done.
48- Joseph brings his two sons, Ephraim and Manasseh, to visit Jacob/Israel. There is some drama over who is older when Jacob is blessing them with his hands, but Jacob/Israel says it doesn't matter because he said Ephraim, who is younger, will be greater than Manasseh (rude). Anyway, Jacob/Israel also says that when he dies, Joseph will get more land than his other brothers.
49- Jacob/Israel blesses and curses his sons, makes some prophesies, and then dies.
-REUBEN: Jacob doesn't like Reuben because he banged Bilhah, Rachel's maid, who Jacob/Israel also used to bang. So he says Reuben won't excel.
-SIMEON and LEVI: Cursed, because they were cruel assholes who committed murder, among other things. They will be scattered in the land.
-JUDAH: Is to be leader of the cult.
-ZEBULUN: His town will be a haven for ships.
-ISSACHAR: Servant?
-DAN: Shall be a judge or agitator? "A snake"?
-GAD: Fight, lose, but ultimately will win.
-ASHER: Lots of food.
-NAPHTALI: A free deer (?) will have beautiful offspring.
-JOSEPH: Very blessed.
-Benjamin: The wolf! Gets his food in the morning and divides it up at night.
50- Joseph's brothers are scared that Joseph will now take revenge for being sold into slavery, but he tells them that it's cool. So they just chill in Egypt, and Joseph says when they go back to Canaan, he wants his bones buried there. Then he dies at age 110!
7- Yahweh tells Noah to go into the ark because he's going to make it rain for 40 nights and 40 days. Everything is destroyed (except for Noah and everything that has somehow fit in his tiny ark). Oh, also Noah is like 600 years old at this time. Finally Yahweh stops making it rain, and the water levels return to normal (after 150 days).
8- Finally, after the water levels return to normal, the ark is stuck on the mountains of Ararat. Noah then opens a window out of the ark and sends a raven to scout, then a dove, but the dove couldn't find anywhere to land so it returns. She is then sent out again, and returns with an olive leaf in her mouth. This implies that there is dry land. The dove is then sent out again, and it doesn't return. Noah now knows that the Earth is dry. So Yahweh then tells Noah to leave the ark and have the animals repopulate the Earth. Noah then builds an altar to Yahweh and sacrifices some animals as burnt offerings, one out of every clean beast. Yahweh then decides to not curse the ground anymore or destroy every living thing again, because man is inherently evil and that's just the way it is. “As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease.”
9- Yahweh tells Noah and his family to repopulate Earth. Yahweh then gives humans dominion over Earth- all beasts are meat and plants are food...except meat which still contains blood. It seems like this is where Jehovah's Witness get the "no blood transfusions!" rule or whatever. Also, Yahweh says that people shouldn't hurt or kill each other because we are all images of Yahweh/"God"/"gods". "Whoever sheds human blood, by humans shall their blood be shed." The symbol of Yahweh's covenant with the Earth is a rainbow.
Anyway, Noah has a son named Ham, and Ham has a son named Canaan. Noah then starts up a vineyard and becomes a drunk. One day he passes out naked, waking up after his sons cover him up. This pisses him off for some reason, and he blames Canaan for telling the others that he was naked, even though it was Ham's fault (?). Noah curses Canaan to be a slave to his brothers, and then he dies at the age of 950! Holy shit!
10- THE TABLE OF NATIONS (sons, descendents, etc.):
-JAPETH: Gomer, Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Meshek and Tiras.
-GOMER: Ashkenaz, Riphath and Togarmah.
-JAVAN: Elishah, Tarshish, the Kittites, the Rodanites (from these clans, maritime peoples spread out into their territories by their clans within their nations, each with its own language).
-HAM: Cush, Egypt, Put, Canaan.
-CUSH: Seba, Havilah, Sabtah, Raamah, Sabteka, Nimrod (Nimrod was a mighty hunter who established a kingdom that included the cities of Babylon, Uruk, Akkad, Kalneh, and also built the cities of Nineveh, Rehoboth Ir, Calah, and Resen).
-RAAMAH: Sheba, Dedan.
-EGYPT: Ludites, Anamites, Lehabites, Naphtuhites, Pathrusites, Kasluhites (ancestors of the Philistines), and Caphtorites.
-CANAAN: Sidon, Hittites, Jebusites, Amorites,Girgashites, Hivites, Arkites, Sinites, Arvadites, Zemarites, and Hamathites.
-SHEM: Elam, Ashur, Arphaxad, Lud and Aram.
-ARAM: Uz, Hul, Gether and Meshek.
-ARPHAXAD: Shelah.
-SHELAH: Eber.
-EBER: Peleg, Joktan.
-JOKTAN: Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah, Hadoram, Uzal, Diklah, Obal, Abimael, Sheba, Ophir, Havilah, and Jobab.
Apparently, all these people spread out over the Earth after the flood levels returned to normal.
11- Everyone on Earth now speaks the same language. The people in Shinar (somewhere in Mesopotamia, maybe Babylon?) want to build a huge tower. This pisses off Yahweh, so he makes it so that everyone speaks different languages and then scatters them all over the world. The city is now called Babel. Then this dude named Abram marries Sarai, but Sarai is barren. Abram's father, Terah, then takes Abram and his family Ur to Canaan, but they stopped in Haran (modern-day Turkey?) for some time.
12- Yahweh then tells Abram to leave Haran and go to a new place, where Yahweh will grant him a mighty nation. So Abram leaves with Sarai, his nephew Lot, and a band of followers to Canaan. They arrive and build an altar to Yahweh, thus turning his band into a cult. Abram then goes south for some reason. Then there's a famine, so Abram and his crew travel south to Egypt. However, before going south Abram demands that Sarai pretend she is Abram's sister, not his wife, I guess so that Abram won't be killed? Apparently Sarai his hot, so if they wanted to rape her or take her for themselves they would just kill Abram, but since Abram will be assumed to be Sarai's bro then he'll be fine. Sure enough, the pharaoh of Egypt takes Sarai to be his concubine, but this pisses of Yahweh so he unleashes plagues upon the pharaoh and his people. The pharaoh freaks out and banishes Abram and his people from Egypt. This is kind of a con job on the part of Abram and his cult, because they basically pimped out Sarai to gain safe haven in Egypt...
13- Abram leaves Egypt with his crew and then heads south. For some reason, Abram and Lot don't get along, so the cult splits up between Lot and Abram. Lot and his crew head east to Jordan with his crew, and Abram stays in Canaan. Yahweh promises that Canaan will be Abram's and his family's forever (a "promised land").
14- Meanwhile, there was a big war between a bunch of cities, and Lot, who was living in the city of Sodom at the time, was taken prisoner by invaders. Abram finds out, and arms his servants and sets out with them to rescue Lot. Abram then chases down and kills the invader king, rescues Lot and his people, and then also acquires all of the loot from Sodom. The King of Sodom then meets with Abram and his warriors as well as the King of Jerusalem and they become friends.
15- Yahweh then tells Abram that this is the Promised Land, and that Abram's descendants are to be as numerous as the stars! Abram then makes some sacrifices to Yahweh, but when night come Yahweh tells Abram that his descendants will also be slaves for about 400 years before finally being able to settle in the Promised Land for real. They will however be ensured great wealth. Also, the Promised Land encompasses lands belonging to other people, including the Hittites and "others" (giants??).
16- Anyway, Sarai has an Egyptian servant named Hagar. Sarai takes one for the team and offers Hagar to Abram to be a surrogate mother to Abram's children since Sarai herself is barren. Unfortunately, Hagar catches feelings for Abram after they have sex, and grows jealous of Sarai. This pisses off Sarai, so she beats Hagar, which causes Hagar to run away. However, Yahweh's angel says that Hagar is pregnant with a child named Ishmael, who will grow up to be a wild man. She will also return to Abram and Sarai. Thus, she eventually returns to camp and gives birth to Ishmael. Oh by the way, Abram is also 86 at this time!
17- Yahweh says that Abram is now to be known as "Abraham" ("father of many nations"), and then declares that every male in the cult is to be circumcised (random!). Abraham is now 99 years-old. Sarai is renamed "Sarah", and Yahweh declares that he will magically make Sarah pregnant even though she is 90. So what was the point of all of that with Hagar and shit? Anyway, Abraham and all of the men circumcise themselves as a symbol of Yahweh's covenant with Abraham (weird).
18- So Abraham is now just chilling in his tent, and is approached by three dudes AND Yahweh! Abraham then washes their feet and eats with them under a tree, and they talk about how Sarah will soon have a son. Sarah, eavesdropping, laughs, because it's absurd at her age that she could possibly get pregnant. The men hear her laughter and ask her why she's laughing, as if anything is too ridiculous for Yahweh to do. Then Sarah denies laughing (?).
Anyway, Yahweh then tells Abraham that he's going to do something about the cities Sodom and Gomorrah, since they're so full of sin and vice. Abraham questions Yahweh's plan...what if innocent people die? After some debate, Yahweh says that if there are at least 10 righteous men found living in the cities, Yahweh won't fuck with them, or at least Sodom, since that's where Lot lives.
19- Two of Yahweh's angels go check out Sodom and see what Lot is up to. However, when they go to Lot's home a mob forms outside of Lot's house because they want to rape the angels (??). So, to be polite to the angels, Lot offers up his own virgin daughter to the mob instead (???). The mob isn't down with that, so they try to break into Lot's home. This pisses off Yahweh, so he destroys both Sodom and Gomorrah in a flurry of fire and brimstone after Lot and his family escape. Oh and Lot's daughters then get him drunk and have sex with him (??????). One of his daughters has a son named Moab, and the other has a son named Benammi.
20- Abraham then goes around with his cult and ends up giving Sarah over to a king again, this time the King Abimelech of Gerar. Is Abraham a con artist? Why is he doing this?? Where are they trying to go? Why do these kings want to have sex with Sarah even though she is like 90 years-old?? Anyway Yahweh is then going to kill King Abimelech for taking Sarah as his own, but the king argues with Yahweh and Yahweh changes his mind. Then Yahweh says that it is because of him that the king didn't sin (weird part). Oh and then we find out that Sarah is actually Abraham's half-sister (gross and weird because that means they actually are brother and sister?? So why did they pretend earlier?).
21 - Then there's an argument between King Abimelech, Phicol (his general), and Abraham. Maybe some Philistines attacked Abraham's cult and seized his property that contained a well (or something). Anyway, Abraham decides to smooth things over by offering tribute to the king. They name this place "Beersheba" ("Well of the Oath").
Sarah is now pregnant! She soon gives birth to Isaac, who is soon circumcised. However, Sarah finds Hagar's son Ishmael either annoying or offensive due to him mocking her or something, so she tells Abraham to kick Hagar and Ishmael out of the cult. Yahweh agrees, too. Yahweh also says that not only will Isaac make a great nation, but so will Ishmael, so they go off into the desert. Ishmael then grows up to be a wild dude and an archer, and marries some Egyptian chick.
22- Now we're at the story of Abraham and Isaac. Yahweh tells Abraham that he wants a sacrifice! So Abraham takes Isaac and lies to him, telling him that it's going to be an animal sacrifice, but actually Yahweh had instructed Abraham to sacrifice Isaac! Abraham ties up Isaac and is about to kill him, when suddenly an angel shows up to stop the sacrifice, and Abraham just kills an animal instead. Yahweh is pleased with this, and Abraham passes his test of faith. Pretty sick :(
23- Abraham buries Sarah, who dies at age 127 in the Cave of Machpelah, a place purchased from Ephron the Hittite.
24- Nothing really happens here except for Isaac marrying Rebekah, who I'm pretty sure is related to him, maybe a cousin, since Abraham wanted to keep relations within the family. Gross.
25- Isaac and Rebekah have kids after Abraham dies. 2 sons- Esau and Jacob. Esau is a badass hunter, but Jacob just hangs out and farms. Isaac favors Esau, but Rebekah favors Jacob. Anyway, I guess Esau is starving for some reason, and begs Jacob for some food. Jacob says OK, but he wants Esau's inheritance. Esau agrees and trades his inheritance for some food (lol). Oh and also we find out that Abraham has concubines, with whom he also has children.
26- Now there's another famine, so Isaac and his cult go back to King Abimelech and hang out there. King Abimelech treats his guest well. Then Esau marries 2 Hittite chicks, which pisses off Isaac and Rebekah, presumably because these Hittite chicks aren't in the cult/family.
27- Isaac is now old and blind, and in order to gain his father's favor, Jacob hunts and gets some venison for him, but pretends to be Esau (??). Isaac figures this out, and realizes that Esau will want to kill Jacob for this, so he tells Jacob and PENDING
28- So Isaac sends Jacob off to go marry his cousin, and on his way Jacob sees some crepuscular rays, or a "ladder" going up to heaven with angels flying around or something. Jacob renames this place "Bethel" ("House of God").
29- Jacob then goes to Haran where some of his relatives live, and happens to see Rachel, his cousin, and falls in love with her. He tries to marry her, and works for his uncle Laban (Rachel's dad) for 7 years. However, when it came down to it, Jacob accidentally married and banged Leah (how???), his other cousin and Rachel's sister. Dick move on Laban's part to marry off Leah to Jacob instead of Rachel. Then Laban says that if Jaob worked another 7 years, he would give Rachel to Jacob as a second wife. Jacob agrees and marries Rachel after 7 days, and then works another 7 years for Laban. Anyway, Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah, and this hurts Leah's feelings. However, Rachel ends up being barren, so Yahweh decides to even the playing field by using magic to grant her the ability to give birth. So, she eventually gives birth to Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah. PENDING
30- Rachel really wants her own kids, so she gives Jacob her maid, Bilah, to bang and be a surrogate mother. So Jacob goes for it and bangs her, and she gives birth Dan and Naphtali. Leah realizes that she can do the same thing and have even more kids, so she hooks Jacob up with her maid, Zilpah. Damn! So Jacob bangs Zilpah and she pops out Gad and Asher. Then Leah bangs Jacob and they have 3 more kids- Issachar, Zebulun, and Dinah. Then Rachel (!) gets pregnant via Yahweh's divine powers and she gives birth to Joseph and Benjamin.
31- After all of this, Jacob wants to go back home to his parents. Too much sex! However, Uncle Laban doesn't want Jacob to leave because he doesn't want Yahweh's fortune to leave with Jacob. So Laban proposes to pay Jacob to stay, and Jacob demands that he be paid in goats and sheep. PENDING
Yahweh tells Jacob to just leave Laban, so Jacob takes his family and leaves. Rachel takes Laban's "teraphim" (household idols?) with her and Laban chases them down, finds them, and demands his teraphim back. Jacob didn't know that Rachel had taken the teraphim, so Laban goes to Rachel's tent to ask her for the idols back, but she sits on the idols and says that she can't get up because she's on her period (??), so Laban leaves, but first he makes peace with Jacob.
32- Jacob comes back to Canaan with his family, but he found that Esau is coming to meet him with 400 warriors. Jacob is really scared, so he sends Esau a tribute of some herd animals in hopes of pacifying Esau and his army. Later, Jacob is alone and suddenly starts wrestling with some guy (?). They wrestle all night (??) and because the mysterious stranger is unable to overcome Jacob, he "touches" Jacob's thigh tendon which causes Jacob to have a limp. That's why Jews don't eat animal leg tendons, apparently. Then Jacob demands that the dude blesses him. The dude then declares that Jacob's new name is "Israel", a name which has multiple interpretations. Jacob/Israel then asks the dude for his name, but the dude won't tell him. Apparently, Jacob/Israel believe that the dude is either Yahweh, or an angel of Yahweh, stating that he has "Yahweh face to face, and my life is preserved". Then he names the place "Penuel" ("Face of God").
33- Jacob/Israel and Esau finally meet up, and Esau isn't mad. Phew! Esau then offers to go with Jacob/Israel back home, but Jacob/Israel politely declines. They agree to meet up again at Mount Seir. Then Jacob/Israel and his crew travel to Schechem, on the way to the mountain.
34- At Schechem, the ruler of the place, Hamor, has a son, also named Schechem, who kidnaps and rapes Dinah, one of Jacob/Israel's daughters. Afterwards, he's still really into her and wants to marry her. Surprisingly Jacob/Israel's sons (I guess Jacob/Israel isn't there?) agree to this on the grounds that they all are able to marry Hamor's daughters. Also, they demand that they get to live in Hamor's lands, and that all the men circumcise themselves as sign of pledging allegiance to the cult. However, this was a ruse!! After 3 days, Simeon and Levi kill everyone in Hamor's family, and all of the men in Schechem! Damn! Then they rescue Dinah, destroy the town, and steal all the herd animals, treasure, women, and children. This pisses off Jacob/Israel. He believes that now the other neighboring tribes will gang up against Jacob/Israel and the cult and try to kill them for the violence against Schechem.
35- Anyway, so Jacob/Israel then goes back to Bethel and hangs out with Yahweh. Also, nobody fucks with Jacob/Israel and his crew because they have the power of Yahweh! Rebekah's nurse, Deborah, then dies and it's assumed that Rebakah is dead as well. On the way to Bethlehem Rachel dies giving birth to Benjamin. Reuben then hooks up with Bilhah, Rachel's servant. Jacob/Israel meets up with Isaac at Mamre, and Isaac dies at age 180.
36- Family tree stuff.
37- The story of Joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat! Anyway, Joseph is Jacob/Israel's favorite son. This pisses off his brothers, so they constantly make fun of him. He often tells his dad about this because Joseph was Jacob/Israel's favorite, and Jacob/Israel had also made Joseph a tunic of many colors, which must have really annoyed his brothers. Then Joseph began to have vivid dreams of his family as subordinates to him, which finally seemed to push his brothers too far...even Jacob/Israel was pissed off at this point. Eventually, things come to a head when Jacob/Israel sends Joseph to go check on his brothers and see how they're doing while they're feeding the animals. His brothers had conspired to kill Jacob/Israel and throw him into a pit and claim that Joseph was killed by a wild animal in order to scare him into not being such a brat. So Joseph comes along and they steal his coat and throw him into a pit. Then comes along a trading caravan headed to Egypt, so the brothers quickly decide to just sell Joseph into slavery! Then the brothers kill a goat and take the goat blood and put it on Joseph's coat. Then they take the coat to Jacob/Israel and show him what happened. Jacob/Israel is sad and cries for days. Jacob/Israel then says he will go to Sheol (the Jewish underworld) mourning the loss of Joseph.
Meanwhile, Joseph is sold to Potiphar, an officer of the Egyptian pharaoh and captain of the guard.
38- So Judah then leaves his brothers and goes to a town called Adullam to stay with a dude named Hirah. When he gets there he meets the daughter of a Canaanite man named Shua, and he marries her and they have 3 sons together- Er (haha), Onan, and Shelah. Er then marries a woman named Tamar. However, unfortunately for Er, Yahweh decides to kill him just because he's "wicked" in Yahweh's opinion. Damn! Anyway, because Er is now dead, Judah tells Onan that it's his job to continue the family line, so he has to marry/bang Tamar in order do this (a levirate marriage). However, because of Jewish law at that time, any sons that Tamar produces would inherit Er's wealth, even though technically they're Onan's kids, which Onan wasn't down with. So, whenever he banged Tamar, he pulled out and came all over the floor, and this really pissed off Yahweh, so Yahweh kills Onan (This is actually an interesting part of the Bible because we don't know exactly why Yahweh did this. Different religions/religious denominations interpret this passage in a variety of ways, everything from being anti-masturbation to anti-coitus interruptus, to even just Onan refusing to continue the family line, or even Onan banging his brother's wife in the first place!). Anyway, so Tamar goes and lives with her father as a widow, waiting for Judah's third son, Shelah, to come of age.
Some time passes, Judah's wife dies, and when he's gets over it he travels to Timnah with his friend Hirah the Adullamite. For whatever reason, Tamar decides that she wants to bang Judah, so she disguises herself with a veil to meet and seduce Judah on his way to town. When Judah sees her, he thinks she's a prostitute, and propositions her, promising to give her a goat if she does so. As collateral, he gives her his seal with a cord and a staff. So she agrees, they bang, and then she gets pregnant. Judah then sends Timnah to go to Timnah to deliver the goat to the "shrine prostitute" (Tamar), but the people there tell him that there's no shrine prostitute there. This is embarrassing for Judah.
Three months later, Judah finds out that Tamar is pregnant and guilty of prostitution, so he orders her to be burned to death. However, before she's put to death, she says that the father of her child is the owner of the staff and seal with the cord. Judah then realizes what has happened, and says that Tamar is actually more righteous than he is, because he wouldn't allow her to have sex with Shelah. The Bible then makes it explicitly clear that Tamar and Judah never had sex again.
Anyway, Tamar eventually gives birth to twin boys, Zerah and Perez. Right before exiting the womb, Zerah sticks his hand out, so the midwife ties a red chord around the wrist to note that he was born first, even though technically it's Perez who comes out first. However, because Zerah stuck his hand out first, he's the one who was considered the firstborn (they were able to tell the difference because of the red chord).
39- So last time we checked, Joseph is a servant of Potiphar, captain of the guard and officer of the court of the Egyptian pharaoh. Yahweh favored Joseph, so he prospered. Potiphar noticed that Joseph was blessed by Yahweh, so he too favored Joseph as well and put him in charge of the household. As an extension, everything in Potiphar's household was also blessed because of Joseph.
Anyway, Joseph was really hot, so after a while Potiphar's wife tried to bang him. However, Joseph, being a righteous man, always rebuked her advances. Finally, Potiphar's wife tries one last time to fuck him, but Joseph runs away. Unfortunately for him, Potiphar's wife tears his cloak off of him before he gets away. She then tells everyone, including Potiphar, that Joseph tried to rape her. So Joseph gets thrown in prison.
Luckily, Yahweh is still with Joseph, so he finds favor with the prison warden. The prison warden actually favored Joseph so much that he actually let Joseph run the entire prison himself!
40- After Joseph was thrown in prison, so were the pharaoh's chief cup-bearer and chief baker. They both soon have mysterious dreams. The cup-bearer's dream involved holding a grapevine, which has 3 branches. He then puts the the grapes in the pharaoh's cup. The chief baker's dream involves 3 baskets of bread on his head, which were supposed to be for the pharaoh, but some birds come along and eat the bread instead. They told this to Joseph, and he interprets their dreams to mean that that cup-bearer will get his job back, but the baker will be executed. This turns out to be true, and the baker ends up being killed and the cup-bearer is restored to his old job. However, the cup-bearer was supposed to remember Joseph in prison, but he forgot about him. What a jerk!
41- 2 years pass...the pharaoh has 2 dreams. He dreams of 7 fat cows that emerge from the Nile, followed by 7 skinny cows. Then the 7 skinny cows ate the 7 fat cows. Then the pharaoh woke up. Then he fell asleep again and had a second dream- 7 healthy heads of grain were growing on a single stalk, but then 7 other thin and scorched heads of grain sprouted and swallowed up the healthy heads of grain. After waking up, the pharaoh tried to have his dreams interpreted by wizards and wise men, but no one can figure it out. However, all of this dream interpretation stuff reminds the cup-bearer of Joseph, so he tells the pharaoh about him. So, the pharaoh summons Joseph to court, but Joseph tells the pharaoh that it's not through his own power that he can interpret the dreams, but through the power of Yahweh! Joseph then tells the pharaoh that the dreams mean that there will be 7 years of plenty, followed by 7 years of famine. Therefore, the Egyptians should prepare for this by stockpiling grain. The pharaoh agrees, and then appoints Joseph as vizier of Egypt (hand of the king). Joseph is then given the pharaoh's ring, a gold necklace, fancy clothes, and new, Egyptian name- Zaphenath-Paneah. He's also given a wife- Asenath, daughter of Potiphera, a priest from On (also called Iunu by the Egyptians, or Heliolopolis by the Greeks, as it was the center of the cult of Ra). As vizier, Joseph made sure that Egypt stockpiled an abundance of grain. He also had 2 children with Asenath- Manasseh and Ephraim. The famine soon hits, but Egypt had prepared well thanks to Joseph, so people came from all over the land to buy food from the Egyptians.
42- The famine is so bad that Joseph's family back in Canaan is incredibly desperate for food and sends his brothers to Egypt (except for Benjamin) to try and get food from them. When they come to meet Joseph, they don't recognize him. However, Joseph recognizes them. Still pissed off at them, he decides to fuck with them and accuses them of being spies. For some reason, he demands that Benjamin, still back in Canaan, come to Egypt to vouch for them. After staying in prison for 3 days, Joseph brings them out for questioning. His brothers talk to each other, saying that they're in this pickle because of what they did to Joseph (I guess believing it to be a form of divine retribution or something?). Joseph then takes Simeon from them and fills up their sacks with food and money. The brothers then go back home and tell Jacob/Israel what happened.
43- They're also surprised to find money in their sacks. Jacob/Israel is kind of pissed about what happened, but sends his sons back to Egypt to get more food, this time with Benjamin. They go back to Joseph's house, and although they're scared because they thought the money in their sacks was indicative of a missed transaction, they are met with hospitality. Although Joseph was trying to seem normal, deep down he is an emotional wreck. Later, Joseph personally serves his family some leftover food from a feast that the Egyptians were having, something which shocked everyone because at the time Egyptians believed that dining with Hebrews was "an abomination".
44- The Hebrews stay the night, and while they're sleeping Joseph loads up their donkeys with food, extra money, and a silver cup. On their way back to Canaan, they are stopped by Joseph's steward, who questions them about the silver cup. They're then taken back to Egypt and questioned by Joseph. Joseph decrees that the man who stole the cup shall be his slave (Benjamin). Judah pleads with Joseph to let Benjamin be free, and that Judah stay in Benjamin's place.
45- Finally, Joseph breaks down and tells them everything. Then he tells them to go get the family and bring them to live in Goshen (an Egyptian province). They go back to Egypt and tell Jacob/Israel everything, and he agrees to move to Goshen to survive the famine.
46- So Jacob/Israel gathers up his family/cult and heads off for Egypt. They arrive in Goshen and Joseph comes out to meet his dad. They meet, and it's emotional since it's been like 20 years. Jacob/Israel then says he's ready to die.
47- The Hebrews then meet the Pharaoh. The Pharaoh really takes a shine to them, and says taht if they want they can oversee the management of all the Egyptian livestock. Then Jacob/Israel blesses the Pharaoh and the family chills in Goshen. Some time passes, and Jacob/Israel is truly ready to die at this point, but he requests that he be buried in Canaan, not Egypt. Joseph says that he'll make sure it gets done.
48- Joseph brings his two sons, Ephraim and Manasseh, to visit Jacob/Israel. There is some drama over who is older when Jacob is blessing them with his hands, but Jacob/Israel says it doesn't matter because he said Ephraim, who is younger, will be greater than Manasseh (rude). Anyway, Jacob/Israel also says that when he dies, Joseph will get more land than his other brothers.
49- Jacob/Israel blesses and curses his sons, makes some prophesies, and then dies.
-REUBEN: Jacob doesn't like Reuben because he banged Bilhah, Rachel's maid, who Jacob/Israel also used to bang. So he says Reuben won't excel.
-SIMEON and LEVI: Cursed, because they were cruel assholes who committed murder, among other things. They will be scattered in the land.
-JUDAH: Is to be leader of the cult.
-ZEBULUN: His town will be a haven for ships.
-ISSACHAR: Servant?
-DAN: Shall be a judge or agitator? "A snake"?
-GAD: Fight, lose, but ultimately will win.
-ASHER: Lots of food.
-NAPHTALI: A free deer (?) will have beautiful offspring.
-JOSEPH: Very blessed.
-Benjamin: The wolf! Gets his food in the morning and divides it up at night.
50- Joseph's brothers are scared that Joseph will now take revenge for being sold into slavery, but he tells them that it's cool. So they just chill in Egypt, and Joseph says when they go back to Canaan, he wants his bones buried there. Then he dies at age 110!
No comments:
Post a Comment