NUMBERS

1- So it's been a little over a year since the Israelites left Egypt, and they're in the wilderness of Sinai.  Yahweh tells Moses that a census of the entire community needed to be conducted by taking the names of all the men over 20 and preparing to enlist them into an army.  Because the Israelites were composed of 12 tribes (this is actually very fucking confusing, because the Bible refers to the Levites as a tribe, but are not listed in the 12 tribes below, even though they ARE mentioned in the same passage, so this is very unclear), it was up to each of the leaders of the 12 tribes to conduct the census.  The 12 tribes were:
   -REUBEN
   -SIMEON
   -JUDAH
   -ISSACHAR
   -ZEBULUN
   -EPHRAIM
   -MANASSEH
   -BENJAMIN
   -DAN
   -ASHER
   -GAD
   -NAPHTALI
Based on the numbers of the tribes, there must have been several million Israelites at this point (!).  This means that over 400 years, the population went from 70 to several million.
Also, Yahweh says that Levites (who I guess AREN'T a tribe?  Or not one of the 12? idk) are the ones who are to be the leaders of the entire cult and the only ones who are allowed to manage the Tabernacle.  If any stranger comes near the Tabernacle, they're to be killed immediately.

2- Info about the population numbers of each of the tribes.

3- As stated before, the sons of Aaron (Eleazar and Ithamar, not Nadab and Abihu because they were killed by Yahweh, duh) are to be the priests of Yahweh.  Yahweh then dictates which jobs and chores the Levites are to do and which clan within the Levites are in charge of what.  Yahweh then demands some other stuff involving money for redemption, a bit confusing.

4- Yahweh goes on about proper Tabernacle maintenance and which families are in charge of what.

5- Yahweh tells Moses to then kick out all of the lepers and diseased people from the cult, leaving them to just die in the desert, I guess.  Yahweh doesn't want gross people defiling his shit!  Also, if anyone sins, they have to confess their sin and pay money, plus interest, to the person they harmed, among other things.  If a woman is suspected of being unfaithful, the preiest is to have the woman drink some water blessed by divine magic.  If her thighs rot and her belly swells, then she's guilty.  If nothing happens, then she's innocent.  Either way, it's all the woman's fault and the man shares no blame HAHAHA.  I guess if she's guilty she'll be exiled from the cult because she'll be considered a curse among her people.

6- Yahweh then tells Moses that if someone wants to pledge themselves to Yawheh or dedicate themselves in a special way, then they can't drink wine, anything fermented, vinegar, etc.  Also, not grape juice or raisins!  Not even grade skins or seeds!  Also, during this time, no razors are to be used on their head, no cutting of any hair on their head/face.  AND no going near corpses!  If someone dies suddenly in their presence, they have to shave their heads on the 7th day and then the next day sacrifice 2 young pigeons at the Tabernacle.  They they have to do the vow process all over again, but must also remember to sacrifice a lamb.  Anyway, when the holy period of dedication and vows is over, they have to sacrifice more animals and unleavened bread with oil and stuff.  THen they have to shave their heads and burn their hair (!).  Then Yahweh tells Moses to tell Aaron and his sons about this priestly blessing.

7- How to sacrifice animals properly at the Tabernacle.

8- The first appearance of the Menorah?  Yahweh tells Moses that all of the Levites are to shave everything, wash their clothes, and purify themselves, and then they have to sacrifice some bulls, and then the Levites are to be Yahweh's chosen family among the Israelites.  Also, all of the firstborn Israelites are to belong to Yahweh, including the firstborn domesticated animals, since Yahweh didn't kill them in Egypt.  Also, the Levites have to do a lot of the work involving the Tabernacle, from ages 25-50.

9- Yahweh continues to talk to Moses as they're travelling around the wilderness of Sinai.  They've been wandering for about a year.  He reminds Moses that they need to celebrate the Passover at the appointed time (the 14th of January?).  So everyone does so, except some can't because they're unclean, I guess because they were somehow involved with a corpse?  So Yahweh gives them instructions about what they should do.  If they don't follow the instructions, they will be killed off.  Foreigners also must celebrate or they aren't welcome by the cult.  Also, this entire time a cloud covers the Tabernacle during their day, and at night it is a cloud of smoke from a fire or something.

10- Yahweh tells Moses to make some silver trumpets for the purpose of using them as organizational tools and alarms.  The sons of Aaron are to be the trumpet blowers.  Then they wander around some more.

11- Some people aren't happy in the cult, and so this pisses off Yahweh and he burns them to death!  Surprisingly, more people start to complain, especially about the absolutely ridiculous dietary restrictions.  They miss being able to eat all the good stuff in Egypt, but now they only get to eat manna.  Moses gets fed up and goes to Yahweh, asking him why all this pressure was put on him and why they're in such a ridiculous situation.  He tells Moses to get 70 elders and bring them to the Tabernacle, and Yahweh will disperse some of the power of Moses and distribute it among them.  Then, to punish everyone for complaining, Yahweh is going to make everyone eat meat for whole month, until it comes out of their nostrils!  Moses is confused as to where all this food is going to come from.  Then Yahweh summons a huge wind and then there's a bunch of quail meat that falls on everyone.  Of course, everyone immediately starts eating it, but as they do this, Yahweh unleashes a plague upon them as punishment.  Then the cult moves on to the city of Hazeroth.

12- All of a sudden, it's revealed that Moses married an Ethiopian woman, and this pisses off Aaron and Miriam.  This in turn pisses off Yahweh, so he comes down and summons Moses, Aaron, and Miriam to the Tabernacle, and scolds Aaron and Miriam for being shitty.  Then he curses Miriam with leprosy!  Moses tries to beg Yahweh to forgive Miriam, but Yahweh instructs them kick Miriam out of the camp for 7 days.  Then they leave and go to the desert of Paran.

13- Yahweh tells Moses to gather up some scouts to go spy on Canaan to see who is living there.  So the scouts go there and scope it out, returning to report that its a land of "milk and honey", but already inhabited by people- the Amelekites, Jebusites, Amorites, and Canaanites (i.e. giants!!).

14- So, everyone freaks out because they think it's a suicide mission to go and attack the giants, and they begin to question the leadership of Yahweh, Moses, and Aaron.  Plans are made to return to Egypt instead.
Yahweh decides to get the situation under control by appearing before everyone at the Tabernacle.  He swears to kill all of the Israelites for questioning him.  He then says that he'll ensure that Moses will inherit a newer, more powerful nation than whatever these clowns will eventually come up with.  Moses then warns Yahweh that it will make his power look not legit if his followers can't defeat the giants and then he just kills everyone in his cult.  So Yahweh calms down.  However, he still curses everyone over the age of 20 (who also plotted against him) to die on the way to the Promised Land.  Yahweh then kills the scouts who came back with the reports of giants living in Canaan (!).  Then everyone gathers at the top of a mountain since they think they're going to finally attack Canaan, but instead Yahweh makes it so that the Amalekites and Canaanites ambush them, and many of the cult members are killed (neither Moses nor the Ark of the Covenant came up with them).

15- Then Yahweh gives detailed instructions on how to properly sacrifice animals to him.  He says that sin through ignorance is still a sin!  Then the Israelites find some poor sap who was working on the Sabbath, so they imprison him and then execute him via stoning.  Then Yahweh gives them instructions on how to properly make fringes on the borders of their garments so that they're reminded of Yahweh whenever they're horny and look at someone in a lustful way.  OK...

16- A group of Israelites finally decide that enough is enough, and try to point out that if all of the Israelites are holy, then why is Yahweh killing everyone and being such an asshole??  So then Moses tells all of them to go make a censer offering to Yahweh, and he will reveal who among them is truly special.  They disagree to follow Moses' orders, so he goes to Yahweh to not accept the offering of the dissenters, and then talks to Korah, the leader of the dissenters, to convince them to make an offering to Yahweh.  So then Yahweh comes out and tries to tell Moses and Aaron to get away, because he's going to kill everyone!  Moses then tries to reason with Yahweh to calm him down, but I guess he can't so he runs away and tells all of his still-loyal followers to get away and not touch anything belonging to the dissenters or else Yahweh might kill them too!  Then Yahweh straight-up causes the earth to open up and swallow all 250 dissenters, plus these tents and all of their shit!!  Then they go down to "The Realm of the Dead" ("Sheol": the Hebrew land of the dead, a place of darkness that you go to when you die, regardless of if you're good or not.  It's apparently a giant pit under the earth, the topography of which isn't clear).  Then Yahweh commands Moses to take all of the censers and hammer them into sheets to overlay the altar as a sign that only Aaron and his descendants are allowed to make burnt incense offerings to Yahweh.
Some other members of the cult are shocked that Yahweh killed Korah and his followers, and they form an angry mob to rise up against Moses and Aaron.  However, Yahweh saves the day by unleashing a brutal plague upon them.  Moses tries to atone for the people by having Aaron make incense offerings, but by the time the plague ended, 14,700 cult members were dead.

17- Yahweh then tells Moses to gather up the cult elders and take 12 staffs, one assigned to each elder.  Aaron's name was to be written on the staff meant for the Levi tribe.  Yahweh then chooses Aaron's staff as a symbol against
PENDING

18- So Aaron is now the head of the Levites, and they are to be the priests of Yahweh's cult.  Only Aaron and the Levites are to be caretakers of Yahweh's sanctuary, and if anyone else comes near when they aren't supposed to, Yahweh will kill everyone!  Then Yahweh gives instructions for how to make offerings, including how to perform brutal animal sacrifice.  The offerings are then given to Moses and Aaron afterwards.
PENDING

19- Bizarre animal sacrifice ritual instructions.

20- The cult then travels to the Desert of Zin (southern Israel), and Miriam dies at Kadesh.  Then everyone starts to complain again about having no water or nuts and shit to eat, so Moses and Aaron go to the Tabernacle to talk to Yahweh.  Yahweh tells Moses to go and speak to a rock in front of all the people, and then water will pour out from the rock for everyone to drink.  However, for whatever reason Moses either intentionally or accidentally taps the rock with the rod and water comes out, and, of course, this really pisses off Yahweh.  He decrees that the Israelites are no longer allowed into Yahweh's Promised Land.  Then Moses sends messengers to the kingdom of Edom, hoping to attain safe passage through the kingdom.  However, the king of Edom denies them, and then raises a large army to frighten off the Israelites.  Then Yahweh tells Moses that Aaron isn't allowed to go into the Promised Land due to what happened with the whole rock incident (the Waters of Meribah), and that Aaron is to remove his priest garments and pass them on to his son, Eleazar, and then die.  So Aaron does this and then dies (!) at the top of of Mount Hor (haha).  The Israelites then mourn for 30 days.

21- King Arad of the Canaanites hears about the Israelites coming his way, so he attacks them and captures some of them.  As revenge, Moses calls upon the wrath of Yahweh for vengeance, and Yahweh delivers the Canaanites (presumably as prisoners?) to the cult, and then cult DESTROYS the Canaanites and their cities!  King Arad's lands are renamed "Hormah" ("Destruction").  Anyway, as the cult travels along the Red Sea to go around Edom, the cult followers once again grow impatient and begin to talk shit.  Yahweh sends venomous snakes to punish the naysayers, and many Israelites die.  They beg for Moses to ask Yahweh for forgiveness, and then Yahweh tells Moses to make a fake snake and put the snake on a pole, and that anyone who has been poisoned by a snake will look at this fake snake and then live.  So Moses does so and makes a bronze snake, puts it on a pole, and then anyone who had been bitten then looks at the snake was cured of the poison.  Then the cult continues to travel around some more, and we get some geography of the local region, including a placed called "Beer" (haha), which means "Water Well".  Also mentioned in this chapter is the "Book of the Wars of Yahweh", which is a lost book of the Bible!  Then the Israelites try to pass through the land of the Amorites, and sent messengers to King Sihon, their king.  King Sahon said no, and then raised an army and sent the army to attack the Israelites.  Obviously, the cult was able to defeat them, and then they took over some of their land.  They made their capital of the territory Heshbon, which was also the capital city of the Amorites.  There were still Amorites occupying the remaining land, so the Israelites decided to just go ahead and conquer the rest of the kingdom.  On their way, they apparently went too close to the territory of the city of Bashan, which was ruled by King Og.  King Og sent an army to attack the Israelites, which culminated in the battle at Edrai.  The Israelites defeated this new army, and killed everyone!!  Then they conquered King Og's kingdom.

22- Then the Israelites travels to the plains of Moab, and camp along the Jordan River, across from the city of Jericho (uh-oh!).  King Balak of the Moabites saw what the cult had done to the Amorites, and was scared.  He decided that the solution to this problem was to summon Balaam from Pethor (near the Euphrates River), a mighty sorcerer.  So, the elders of Moab and Midian (an allied city) went to Balaam, and he tells them that he'll give them an answer the next day because he has to talk to Yahweh first.  So Yahweh shows up and Balaam tells him the situation.  Yahweh warns Balaam not to fuck with the Israelites, so Balaam tells the elders what Yahweh said.  The elders go back home and tell King Balak what's up, so the king decides to send some higher-up officials to go talk to Balaam again to urge him to serve the Moabites.  So, Balaam tells them to wait and see what Yahweh says, although he warns the officials that the Moabites won't be able to offer him anything that could even come close to the power of Yahweh.  Anyway, that night Yahweh again goes to talk to Balaam, but this time he tells Balaam to secretly work as a double agent for the cult.  So, Balaam agrees, and in the morning he gets up and goes with the messengers back to King Balak.  This pisses
PENDING

23- Then Balaam orders 7 altars to be built, whereupon 7 bulls and rams are to be sacrificed at the altars.  Then Balaam goes off to talk to Yahweh, and Yahweh puts a magic message in Balaam's mouth.  Balaam goes back to talk to King Balak, but his message ended up being a blessing for the Israelites instead of a curse.  Anyway, this pises off King Balak, so he tries to get Balaam to curse the cult by moving to the field of Zophim, at the top of Mount Pisgah.  They do all the sacrifices again, but the same thing happens.  So, then King Balak tries again, by taking Balaam to the top of Mount Peor to try one more time...

24- Balaam goes off and the same thing happens on Mount Peor, except this time Balak finally gets pissed off and threatens Balaam.  Also, in Balaam's third message, he talks about how powerful the Israelite nation will be and how they will "devour" hostile nations, shatter their bones, etc.  Then Balaam makes another prophecy that talks about "a star out of Jacob", who we are to assume will be a leader that will destroy all of the cult's enemies (such as the children of Sheth, the Moabites, Edom, Seir, etc.).  Then Balaam makes the prophecy that Amalek will be destroyed along with the Kenites and others.  Then Balaam goes home.

25- The cult is staying in the city of Shittim, and some of the male members of the cult begin to engage in "sexual immorality" with the Moabite women, and they also begin to worship a god named Baal-Peor (Belphegor!), although who exactly this god is is unknown.  Either way, this obviously pisses off Yahweh, so he demands that Moses brutally massacre all of those who are involved in the worship of Baal-Peor.  Then Yahweh unleashes a plague upon the cult that kills 24,000 members, but stops when Aaron's grandson, Phineas, kills a dude who comes back to the Israelite camp with a foreigner woman from Midian.  He kills both of them by skewering them with a spear.  This cheers up Yahweh, who was impressed with Phineas brutality, and he decides to stop the plague.  He also grants Phineas and all of his future descendants special privilege in the office of priesthood for the cult.  Also, apparently the woman from Midian was the daughter of a Midianite tribal chief (named Zur).  So, Yahweh decides that it's time to destroy the Midianites!

26- After the plague, Yahweh decides that it's census time.  Only men (over 20) are counted.  The clans of Reuben, Simeon, Gad, Judah, Issachar, Zebulun, Manasseh, Ephraim, Benjamin, Dan, Asher, Naphtali, and Levi are all counted.  Also, the land is allotted to these clans in proportion to the overall size of the clans in terms of population.

27- Some Israelite women go to Moses and the cult elders at the Tabernacle and ask about property law.  If a man dies with no male heirs, surely the women should inherit at least some of his stuff?  Moses goes to Yahweh to ask what to do.  Yahweh says that in this case, a daughter gets the inheritance, otherwise it goes to the father's brothers, uncles, or nearest relative.
Then Yahweh tells Moses that he's still kind of pissed off about the whole "Water of Meribah Kadesh" incident, and that Moses has essentially served his purpose and that now it's time for him to die (!).  Joshua, son of Nun, is to take Moses' place as leader of the cult.  So Moses lays his hands on Joshua in a blessing, and they perform some sort of divine magic to see if Joshua is to be a worthy leader.
They also make a reference to the "urim", which is apparently some sort of magic item or stone, also associated wit ha a counterpart piece, called a "thummim".  Although it's associated with Jewish clerical magic, it's possible that it has roots in Babylonian or (pre-Islamic) Arabic magic.  We're not quite sure exactly what this stuff is.

28- Yahweh explains more animal sacrifice rules that he wants performed.

29- More animal sacrifice rules.

30- Moses then explains that if someone makes a vow to Yahweh, they must not break the vow!  A woman who still lives with her father can only make a vow if her father allows it.  If her father forbids the vow, then Yahweh won't hold the woman to it.  The same rules apply if a woman is living with her husband, but if her husband fails to immediately forbid the vow, then it's his fault.  I guess this means that in terms of vows, women aren't responsible for anything?

31- Yahweh then declares that he wants the cult to attack the Midianites.  1000 men from each of the 12 tribes of Israel were to make up the cult's army.  Anyway, the Israelite army then goes and kills every man in the city of Midian, and they enslave the women and children.  They also confiscated all of their possessions, and then killed Midian's five kings (Evi, Rekem, Zur, Hur, and Reba).  Then they killed Balaam and burned down all of the cities under Midian's domain before returning to Moab.
Moses then declares that all the boys and non-virgin women are to be executed and all of the virgin girls to be kept alive as sex slaves.  Also, anyone who kills anyone, or anyone who touches a murderer, must leave the camp for 7 days, purifying themselves on the 3rd and 7th days.  Then Yahweh says that all of the spoils of war are to be divided equally among the soldiers (1/500 things are to be given to Yahweh (AKA Eleazar, the high priest), and the non-soldier cult members, with 1/50 things going to the Levites).

32- Once this is all said and done, some of the cult members realize that these new conquered lands are actually pretty nice, so why not just chill here?  The ones that want to chill ask Moses to not cross the Jordan River.  Obviously, this pisses off Moses, but it especially pisses off Yahweh, of course, who goes berserk and declares that no one over the age of 20 at the time of the Egyptian exodus will be able to even SEE the Promised Land, except for Caleb (son of Jephunneh the Kenizzite) and Joshua (son of Nun).  Yahweh is so angry, in fact, that he forces the cult to wander the desert for 40 more years, until all the people who were forbidden from entering the Promised Land in the first place finally died off.  Finally, the cult agrees to send forth an army to conquer the Promised Land.  The warriors were to go forth and fight, and the women and children were to stay behind in the cities until the Israelites were completely victorious.
So, the cult builds a bunch of cities and towns in their conquered lands, and then they conquer some other places in the meantime as well.

33- The Bible does a recap of the Israelites exodus out of Egypt thus far.  It also reiterates that Yahweh wants the cult to completely conquer and demolish all of the people and their settlements, and drive out any survivors (very important, otherwise they'll just make more trouble).
PENDING

34- Yahweh explains to Moses explicitly the exact territory of the land that he has promised them.  Then he explains how he wants the land to be divided up by the different tribes of Israel.

35- Yahweh tells Moses more instructions to follow for the settlement of the holy land.  Also, there are to be cities built that are designated as places that someone can go after they kill someone accidentally and can hide out.  If they accidentally kill someone, it's possible that they can go and seek sanctuary in certain cities so they won't be wrongfully killed by an avenger of the person who was killed.
Also, more rules- if anyone tries to kill anyone else outside of revenge, then the murderer is to be killed.  However, if it's an accident, then there should be a trial.  It is up to the assembly to protect the possibly innocent person from anyone trying to seek revenge, but if the person leaves the safe zone then they're on their own!  If there are two witnesses, then the accused is guilty.  Just one isn't enough, however.  However, all of this can change if the high priest dies.  Then Yahweh says not to pollute the land.  Atonement can't be made on a land where blood has been shed unless more blood is shed from the one who started the violence.

36- Then some Gilead clan leaders (descendants of Joseph) come to Moses and the others with a question- because Yahweh told Moses to have the land divided up among the different tribes, but if these tribal leaders marry women who aren't in the cult, this will reduce the the total area of land that is under direct control of the cult's tribes.  Instead, the land could/will end up in the hands of non-cult people.  To solve this problem, Yahweh tells Moses that no cult member is allowed to marry outside of the cult; this will solve the problem of land inheritance going to non-cult families or peoples.  Also, the land MUST remain as property of the tribe it was allotted to.  No transfers! 
As a result of this, cousins ended up marrying cousins and shit. :/

LEVITICUS

1- Yahweh continues to talk to Moses from the Tabernacle, instructing him on the proper methods and preparations for brutal animal sacrifice, such as killing bulls, sheep, doves/pigeons, etc.

2- How to make a meal offering to Yahweh.  Oh, and there's also a misprint in the KJV- it should say "meal" offering and not "meat" offering, which makes sense because it's all about how to fry up grain into cakes and unleavened bread as an offering.  It's also supposed to be Yahweh's favorite recipes, but because Yahweh doesn't actually eat it himself, Aaron's family eats it, so it kind of seems like it's just instructions on how to cook meals that are especially favored by Aaron and his family.

3- More about how to make peace offerings to Yahweh via animal sacrifice with sheep and/or goats.  Also, Yahweh apparently really likes the fat of the animals, so much so that the Israelites themselves aren't even allowed to eat any fat or blood AT ALL.  Not even in their own home!  FOREVER!!

4- How to sacrifice a bull if you accidentally sin to redeem yourself in the eyes of Yahweh.

5- Yahweh talks about stuff that makes you unclean and "guilty", like touching an animal carcass, bug carcass, or any "unclean thing" (fecal matter?).  Even if you touch it and you didn't realize or know that you touched it, you're still unclean.  In order to repent, you have to sacrifice an animal.

6- Yahweh also instructs how to give something back if you happen to steal it.  Oh, and you should sacrifice an animal if you do this.  Also, meat and bread offerings to Yahweh are to be eaten only by the priests.  You become holy in the eyes of Yahweh if  you touch the burnt offering.  Apparently, female priests are indeed allowed because it specifies that only MALE priests are allowed to eat the offerings.

7- How to properly sacrifice an animal if you commit the sin of trespassing.  Of course, it's revealed that Aaron and his family get all of the meat from this.  Also, there's rules for how to make a peace offering to Yahweh with unleavened cakes and stuff like that.  No leftovers allowed!  And no touching anything that is unclean, which applies to both you and that which you are offering to Yahweh!  If either one touches something unclean while you're doing this, you'll be exiled forever!!  Remember, no eating blood either!

8- Then Yahweh tells Moses to take Aaron and his sons and a bunch of the ceremonial garb and sacrifice offerings and to gather at the Tabernacle with the rest of the congregation.  So, they do this and then Moses washes Aaron and his sons with water, and then dresses Aaron up in the ceremonial garb.  Then they perform a sacrificial offering to Yahweh by killing a bull and doing some other weird stuff.  Then they do the same thing with a ram.  Then they do more weird stuff with the blood.  Then they have to eat and burn the food and then go into the Tabernacle for SEVEN days(!) so Yahweh can "consecrate" them, and they can't leave or else they'll die!

9- So, they do this, but then when they finish, Moses gets Aaron and the elders together to tell them that Yahweh wants more animals to be sacrificed.  So, they sacrifice more animals.  Then a fire from the Tabernacle comes out and consumes the meat, which freaks everyone out!

10- Aaron's sons then try to burn some incense for Yahweh, but Yahweh doesn't like the incense that they burn, so he straight-up kills them via BRUTAL IMMOLATION!!  Then Moses wants everyone to not uncover their heads or take off their clothes, or else they'll die.  Then Yahweh says he'll kill any priest who leaves the Tabernacle while there is still anointing oil on them, or else they will be killed!  Yahweh also says that this ritual is to be carried out repeatedly forever.  Then Moses and Aaron have some kind of argument, but they work it out.

11- Then Yahweh tells Moses and Aaron to tell all the Israelites all of the animals which they are allowed to eat, which are: (NOTE: these are not direct translations, so who knows exactly)
   -animals which chew cud AND are cloven-hoofed AND "parteth the hoof" (cows are OK, but not camels, rabbits, pigs, etc.).
   -aquatic animals that have fins and scales are OK, but if they don't have fins or scales, they are an ABOMINATION.
   -birds are OK, but not eagles, vultures, ospreys, kites, ravens, owls, night hawks, cuckoos, hawks, little owls, cormerants, great owls, swans, pelicans, grier eagles, storks, herons, lapwings, bats (bats aren't birds), and birds that "creep, going upon all four").
   -More unclean animals: weasels, mice, tortoises, ferrets, chameleons, lizards, snails, and moles.
   -flying "creeping things" that have legs are OK.  Locusts, bald locusts, beetles, and grasshoppers are OK too.
   -Any animal that walks on their paws and have four legs are also unclean.
   -ALL "creeping things" are an ABOMINATION, including "things that go on their belly" (snakes).
If you even TOUCH an unclean animal, YOU are unclean until the evening.   Anything unclean that touches something else contaminates it with uncleanliness.   Also certain seeds are unclean.

12-  Yahweh tells Moses to tell everyone that after a woman gives birth, she is unclean for 7 days.  Also, on the 8th day, the kid (if it's a boy) needs to be circumcised.  She then has to purify herself for 33 days, and can't touch anything holy or come into the sanctuary.  If her child is a girl, however, she's unclean for 14 days, and has to purify herself for 66 days!  Then she has to sacrifice a lamb as a burnt offering and a pigeon or dove as a sin offering.  If she doesn't have a lamb, 2 turtles or 2 young pigeons will suffice.

13- Leprosy protocol!  How to determine if it's leprosy or just blemishes, if the person is unclean, etc.  Also, contrary to what many believe, bald people are actually clean (haha).  Lepers also now have to tear up the clothes, not wear a head covering, and cover their upper lips and cry out that they're unclean.  The leper also has to go and live by themselves away from camp.  Also info about what to do with a leper's garments and shit.

14- Yahweh explains to Moses how to cure leprosy with divine magic.  You have to kill a bird, then take another bird (that's alive) and dip it in the blood of the dead bird, then sprinkle the blood on the leper 7x and let the living bird fly away.  Then you have to kill a lamb and wipe the blood on the leper's thumb, right ear, and big toe.  Then sprinkle oil 7x and then wipe some of the oil on the thumb, big toe, and right ear.  Repeat.  Then sprinkle the house with the blood 7x.  Also, Yahweh will unleash a plague of leprosy on the Canaanites.

15- Yahweh then tells MOses and Aaron to tell the Israelites what to do if they get an STD.  Obviously, having an STD means you are unclean.  However, every bed and seat you touch is also unclean if you have an STD.  The man will be unclean until he washes his clothes and bathes and then waits until the evening.  If the infected dude spits on you, touches you, rides on your saddle, etc., you and everything he's touched is unclean.  The infected dude has to purify himself for 7 days, and then he has to sacrifice 2 turtledoves or pigeons at the Tabernacle.  If the Tabernacle is defiled by an unclean person its presence, Yahweh will KILL them!!

16- Yahweh tells Moses to warn Aaron that he might kill Aaron too if Aaron goes to the Tabernacle, but I guess Yahweh won't be made if Aaron brings a young bull and ram to sacrifice.  Also, on behalf of everyone else, he has to sacrifice a ram and 2 more goats.  This is where the word "scapegoat" comes from!  Yahweh then goes into specifics about how he wants the goats sacrificed.  Also, apparently everyone has to do this at least once a year because everyone is sinful.

17- Yahweh continues to tell Moses to tell everyone in the cult who sacrifices an ox, lamb, or goat, without bringing it to the Tabernacle and offering it to Yahweh will be guilty of "shedding blood" by Yahweh and is to be ostracized and cut off from the cult.  Also, no more sacrifices to goat/demon idols!  And no more "eating of blood" either (this includes foreigners!), because blood is only to be used for atonement, not for food!  Also, no eating roadkill/random animal carcasses found in the wild (also includes foreigners)!

18- So Yahweh continues to talk to Moses.  He continues to stress that the cult should maintain their covenant with him, but also that there's some more shit to remember:
   -MEN: don't have sex with any close relatives, including your mom, your father's wife, your sister, any daughter of your father or mother, your son's daughter, your daughter's daughter, your father's wife's daughter, your father's sister, your mother's sister, your father's brother or his wife, your daughter-in-law, your brother's wife, a woman AND her daughter and/or close relatives all at the same time, your wife's sister, a woman on her period, another man, or an animal.
By following these rules, the cult is kept pure while all the inhabitants of the lands that the Israelites are going to drive off are doing these things, making them unclean in the eyes of Yahweh.  Even foreigners that are in the lands of the cult must follow these rules to keep the land from being defiled.  Those currently dwelling in the Promised Land defiled themselves by doing these things  Oh, and no sacrificing children to Molech!  If you commit ANY of these sins, the land will "vomit you out" as it has "vomited out" the nations before you!  If you do any of this shit, you are to be shunned by the cult.

19- Yahweh continues by telling Moses more rules:
   -You have to be "holy" because Yahweh himself is holy.
   -Israelites must respect their parents, observe the Sabbath and not worship idols.
   -If you make a sacrifice to Yahweh, you have to eat it (if it's edible, I guess) within 2 days or else on the third day Yahweh will consider it abominable and you will get kicked out of the cult.
   -Don't reap the edges of the field during the harvest or glean because the gleanings should be given to poors and foreigners.
   -Don't lie, cheat, or steal, falsely swear something in Yahweh's name.
   -Don't keep money from workers if you're the boss and pay them the next day.  Instead, pay them the day of their work.
   -Don't fuck with deaf or blind people.
   -Be fair in your judgements.
   -Don't favor the rich OR the poor.
   -Don't spread slander.
   -Don't endanger your neighbor's life.
   -Don't hate your fellow Israelite, if you have a problem be up-front and don't keep it inside.
   -Don't seek revenge or bear grudges.
   -Don't breed different kinds of animals with each other.
   -Don't plant two different seeds in the same field.
   -Don't wear clothing woven with 2 different kinds of material.
   -If a man has sex with a female slave but she's been promised to another man and has not yet been freed, then the slave must be punished (but not killed).  However, the man sacrifice a ram at the Tabernacle in order to calm Yahweh down.
   -Also, if you plant a fruit tree, you must not eat the fruit for 3 years.  The 4th year fruit must be offered to Yahweh.   5th year fruit is fair game.
   -REMEMBER not to eat any meat with blood still in it.
   -No divination, seeking of omens, enchantments, arcane magic, etc.
   -Don't cut your hair on the side of your head or cut your beard.
   -Don't cut open dead people
   -No tattoos!
   -Don't make your daughter a prostitute!  This will cause an epidemic prostitution and wickedness!
   -Revere Yahweh's sanctuary.
   -No seeking out wizards, fortune-tellers, mediums, etc. because they will defile you!
   -Stand up in the presence of old people.
   -Show respect for the elderly.
   -Fear/revere Yahweh!
   -Don't fuck with foreigners, treat them with respect, because the Israelites were foreigners once in Egypt and it sucked.
   -Don't be dishonest in measuring lengths, weights, quantities, be honest about that shit.
   -Remember to follow all of these laws!!

20- Yahweh continues talking to Moses.  MORE RULES:
   -If any Israelite or foreigner sacrifices any children to Molech, they are to be killed via stoning!   If the people don't do this or are unaware of sacrifices to Molech, Yahweh will personally kick the guilty out of the cult on charges of blasphemy.  The same goes for anyone else who follows wizards, mediums, etc.
   -Israelites are to consider themselves sacred and holy.
   -If you curse your mother or father, you are to be executed!!
   -If a man bangs another man's wife, both are to be executed!  Same goes for if a man bangs his father's wife, his daughter-in-law, another man, OR if a man marries a woman and her mother at the same time, yep- execution!
   -No having sex with animals!
   -If a man marries his sister or daughter of his mom or dad and they have sex, they're kicked out of the cult.
   -No sex with a sister of either of your parents'!
   -No sex with aunts!
   -No marrying a brother's wife!
   -If anyone performs unauthorized arcane magic, they are to be killed!
All of the Canaanites currently living there do this shit, and it pisses Yahweh off.   So the Israelites can't do this stuff too or obey the old laws of the Canaanites.  Yahweh's laws make the Israelites clean, therefore making anyone who doesn't follow Yahweh's laws unclean.

21- Yahweh tells Moses about rules priests have to follow regarding corpses.  Priests also aren't allowed to shave their heads, their beards, or cut their bodies (?).  They also can't marry prostitutes or divorced women .  Any daughter of a priest who becomes a prostitute is to be burned to death (!!).  Also, if the priest is to marry a woman, she MUST be a virgin AND an Israelite.  No prostitutes, widows, or divorcees allowed!  As for Aaron, if any of his offspring have any sort of defect, they are not allowed to make any sort of offering to Yahweh.  In fact, NO ONE is allowed to approach the Tabernacle if they are blind, lame, a dwarf, flat-nosed, have damaged testicles (haha wtf), broken hands/feet, scurvy, scabs, or anything else.  They can still eat the bread of the offering, though.  The reason why they can't come to the Tabernacle though is because Yahweh considers their presence a desecration of his sanctuary!

22- Yahweh continues to tell Moses more stuff.  The usual stuff- keep away from unclean stuff, especially if you're going to be dealing with holy stuff.  And no slaves or foreigners are allowed to eat "holy things", I guess which means stuff meant for sacrifices.  Priest's slaves can eat holy stuff, though.  Also, Yahweh likes animal sacrifices to be from animals that are male and perfect, no fucked up animals or animals with blemishes and shit.  Foreigners aren't allowed to offer sacrifices.  Animals must be aged for 8 days at least before being sacrificed.  AND, no killing an animal mom and her offspring on the same day!

23- Yahweh continues to talk to Moses.  He talks about how important it is for the Israelites to work for 6 days, but NOT on the 7th day (the Sabbath).  Also talks about rules for Passover, unleavened bread, etc., in addition to rules for animal sacrifice during this time.  Feast dates and stuff.

24- Yahweh continues to talk to Moses about rules for setting up cakes during the Sabbath, candles that are to burn continuously at the Tabernacle, etc.  I guess as Yahweh is talking to Moses, a half Egyptian/half Israelite gets in a fight with an Israelite in the camp.  He committed blasphemy by cursing Yahweh, so Yahweh decides that he be detained and stoned to death.  If you blaspheme Yahweh, of course you will be killed!  You are also to be executed if your murder someone.  This is where "eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth" comes from.  Then Moses goes and tells everyone everything that Yahweh told him, and then they detain the blasphemer and stone him to death.

25- Now Moses and Yahweh are talking at Mount Sinai, and Yahweh tells Moses more rules for land and animal cultivation, the importance of resting on the 7th year, etc.  It is in this chapter that we tet the name "Liberty Bell", because it's proclaiming liberty throughout all the land, and was used as a rallying motto for abolitionists in their fight against slavery...even though it is completely taken out of context and has nothing to do with freeing slaves.  It's just talking about how the 50th year is to be a holiday year to celebrate the Israelites' freedom from slavery!
Anyway, there's more rules for selling land to each other, not taking advantage of other members of the cult, and, of course, gotta always maintain fear of Yahweh.  If everyone follows these rules, then the land will be safe and the people will prosper.  Because no one will ever work the fields on the 7th year, Yahweh will personally guarantee that there will be a bountiful harvest on the 6th year for everyone to enjoy that will also help them to survive.
Oh, and no selling of the land permanently to anyone, because ultimately it belongs to Yahweh.  Yahweh then tells Moses about property laws and other technicalities.  He also mentions that if any Israelites become super poor and sell themselves as slaves, they are not to actually work as slaves.  Instead, only barbarians or foreigners from the surrounding lands can be slaves.  Then Yahweh tells him more rules concerning how to buy slaves and shit.

26- Yahweh then reiterates his rules regarding the Sabbath, not worshiping idols, etc.  Yahweh promises that Canaan shall be safe from invasion and also be safe from dangerous animals running amok.  They will also be given the strength to slaughter their enemies, no matter how much they are outnumbered.
BUT- if the cult disobeys Yahweh and doesn't follow his rules, bad shit will happen: they will be stricken with panic and disease, enemies will eat their crops, defeat them in battle, and rule over them.  They will run away even though nothing is chasing them.  Their sins will be punished 7x over.  The sky will be like iron (no sun?) and the earth will be like brass (drought?).  The trees will bear no fruit.  Wild animals will attack.  Their children and cattle will die.  Etc.
IF after all the turmoil they are still unbelievers, they will then have to cannibalize their kids (presumably out of starvation).  Cities will be turned to ruins, dead bodies will pile up, and it will even freak enemies out.  Also, the Israelites will be scattered into foreign lands, and Yahweh will chase them around with a sword!  As all the Israelites are scattered, the land will then heal and enjoy the Jubilee by itself with no one there to enjoy the party with it (?).  The Isralites will be terrified in these foreign lands, etc.
BUT if they confess their sins and pay for their redemption, then Yahweh supposes that he can let them back into Canaan.

27- Yahweh continues to talk to Moses, talking about the monetary worth of human life (women are worth less, of course).  Reads like tax law.

EXODUS

1- There's a new pharaoh in Egypt, and he hates the Hebrews, believing that they are more mighty than the Egyptians themselves.  So, he makes the Hebrews his slaves, but the Hebrews continue to grow.  Also, Pharaoh declares that any male Hebrew children born should be killed, but any female children are allowed to live.  However, the Hebrew women are the midwives, and they refuse to do this.  This makes Yahweh happy, so he continues to bless them with children and families.  Pharaoh continues to maintain that all newly-born Hebrew males must be thrown in the river.

2- A woman has a son and tries to hide him for 3 months, and then finally decides to put him on a small craft and sends him down the river.   Later, Pharaoh's daughter finds the baby with the baby's older sister, who was her handmaiden.  Somehow, the mother is found out by Pharaoh's daughter, and she is told to take care of the child for Pharaoh's daughter.   As he grows up, he is named Moses and is adopted by Pharaoh's daughter.  Moses grows up and enjoys hanging out with the Hebrews.  At one point, he sees an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, so he kills the Egyptian .  The news spreads, and so Moses flees out of Egypt to Midian.  In Midian, he finds, he finds 7 daughters of the local priest working, but they are driven away by some shepherds.  Moses intervenes and sticks up for the daughters, and soon is helping them fill up their water at the well.  They go and tell their dad, Revel (also known as Hobab or Jethro), who is so impressed that he lets Moses stay with them and gives Moses one of his daughters, Zipporah, as a wife.  Moses bangs her and they have a son, Gershom.  Pharaoh then dies.  The Hebrews hate that they're still slaves in Egypt, and their cries of grief reach Yahweh, who remembers that he made a covenant with Abraham and his future children.

3- Moses is tending to his flock near Mount Horeb (Sinai?) when he sees a burning bush, but the bush was "not consumed".  Yahweh tells Moses to take off his shoes because he is on holy ground.  Yahweh tells Moses that he's going to free the Hebrews and bring them back to Canaan, "a land flowing with milk and honey", but is also unfortunately occupied by other people (Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites).  Yahweh will also help Moses by smiting the Egyptians, and giving the Hebrew women permission to steal treasure from the Egyptian families.  Yahweh also informs Moses that he will be the leader of the Hebrews, and Moses is to say that Yahweh ("I am") sent him to lead them out of Egypt.

4- So Moses is worried that the Hebrews won't believe him as the spokesman of Yahweh, and Yahweh gives him a couple of tests in order to demonstrate his mighty power.  Yahweh turns Moses' staff into a snake, and then makes Moses pick it up.  However, when he does it becomes a staff again.  Then Yahweh tells him to put his hand inside his clothes, and when Moses takes his hand back out it's leprous (or some other severe skin condition)!  Whoa! Yahweh then says that if the Hebrews still don't believe them, then he is to take some water from the Nile and pour it on the ground, and it will turn to blood.  Moses is still unsure of himself because he's no confident in his speaking skills, so Yahweh assures him of his divine power.  However, Moses still isn't convinced, and this pisses off Yahweh. So, Yahweh says that Moses' brother, Aaron, is coming to meet Moses to help him, and that Moses will be able to tell Aaron what to say (I guess Aaron is a better public speaker?), and also that Yahweh will help both of them and teach them what to do.  However, it's still important for Moses to keep the staff so he can use it to perform divine magic.   Moses then tells Jethro that he wants to go back to Egypt, and Jethro says it's cool.  Yahweh also tells Moses that he doesn't need to be scared of being arrested, because all of the people who were looking for him are dead (!).  Moses then takes his family to Egypt.  Yahweh then says that Moses is to go before Pharaoh and perform the miracles, but also that Yahweh will make Pharaoh be a dickhead and say no to freeing the Hebrews (!!).  Then Moses is to tell Pharaoh that the Hebrews ("Israel") are (is) Yahweh's "first-born son" (confusing passage), and that they must be freed so they can freely worship their father.  However, because Pharaoh won't let the Hebrews go, Yahweh will retaliate by killing Pharaoh's firstborn son.
Anyway, so on the way to Egypt, Moses' family stops at a lodging place.  In an extremely bizarre change of heart, Yahweh suddenly decides that he is going to kill Moses (what?!?!)!!  Thinking quickly, Zipporah immediately grabs a flint knife and circumcises Gershom, anointing Moses' feet with the blood (WTF).  By doing this, Yahweh is satisfied and decides not to kill Moses.
Then Yahweh tells Aaron to meet Moses in the wilderness.  So, Moses and Aaron meet and go over everything Yahweh told Moses, and also what they have been commanded to do.  Upon arriving in Egypt (apparently?), Moses and Aaron then meet with the Hebrew elders and go over everything that Yahweh has commanded be done.  Aaron then performs the divine magic and tells them that Yahweh cares about them, and the elders bow down in worship and veneration.

5- Moses and Aaron then go to the Pharaoh and demand in the name of Yahweh to let the Hebrews go so they can go into the wilderness and start a Yahweh cult.  Moses and Aaron say that if they aren't let go, Yahweh will get pissed off and have bad things happen to them.  Pharaoh just think that the Hebrew slaves have too much free time, and gives them even more work to do.  Moses goes to Yahweh and asks him WTF is going on.

6- Moses talks to Yahweh some more, more family tree stuff, we find out that apparently Moses is a product of incest, and that Yahweh says his real name is Yahweh (YHWH/Jehovah), and that Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob didn't know his real name.

7- So, Moses and Aaron perform more divine magic for Pharoah, but Pharaoh's sorcerers can cast the same spells.  Also, because Yahweh hardened Pharaoh's heart, Pharaoh refuses to let the slaves go.  WTF!! WHY??  So Yahweh then tells Moses to go to the river in the morning when Pharaoh is there and to use his rod to turn the river into blood, killing all of the fish and making it smell bad.  Aaron is to do the same, but this time with all of the bodies of water in Egypt!  Apparently, Pharaoh wasn't impressed (?), and his sorcerers did the same thing.  So, Moses then summons frogs to come up out of the water, and they go everywhere.  Pharaoh still isn't impressed.  Of course, his sorcerers do the same thing.

8- Pharaoh still doesn't allow the slaves to go free.  Moses then summons lice from the dust of the earth.  This time, Pharaoh's wizards aren't able to reproduce this spell.  The wizards themselves are convinced that Moses and Aaron are legit divine magic spellcasters truly blessed with the power of Yahweh.  Power of Yahweh or no, Pharoah still doesn't give a fuck.  So, Moses then summons flies to plague the land.  Pharoah FINALLY relents and says that the slaves can go out to the wilderness to worship Yahweh for a few days, so Yahweh finally lets upon the plagues.  However, Pharaoh suddenly changes his mind and says that the slaves can't go out anymore!  OMG.

9- Pissed off, Yahweh kills all the work animals (except for the cattle of the Hebrews).  Then he causes it to hail, ad this kills everyone outside that day in Egypt except for the Hebrews, who were all in Goshen (I guess).  This also fucked up all the crops and shit.  Despite all this, the Egyptians still refuse to acknowledge the power of Yahweh.  So Yahweh STILL makes it so that Pharaoh still won't let the Hebrews go.  Even when he decides to let them go, Yahweh changes his mind to prevent this from happening.  WHYYYYYYYYY

10- Yahweh unleashes more plagues (locusts and darkness).  Then he makes Pharaoh continue to be a cunt.  Sigh.

11- Yahweh continues to be bad by unleashing plagues and shit and killing innocent people and then making it so that Pharaoh won't let the slaves go.

12- So Yahweh now wants the Jews to slaughter unblemished male lambs and smear their blood on the doors of their houses so that Yahweh will remember not to kill their children or something.  Then the Hebrews have to eat meat roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs.  THey hae to eat it quickly, wear shoes, and follow some other random rules.  All Hebrews must eat unleavened bread for 7 days.  If they eat unleavened bread even ONCE, they will be excommunicated from the Hebrews and not be blessed.  Also, they will have to do this ritual (Passover) FOREVER.  Then Yahweh goes and kills all the firstborn sons of Egypt (humans AND cattle (!?).  Even though all the cattle have already died, I guess?  Then Yahweh tells the Hebrews to go and loot all the treasure and jewelry from the Egyptians.  Yahweh actually alters the Egyptians minds so that they're happy about the Hebrews doing this too.  Then all 600,000 Hebrew slaves leave Egypt with their cattle (!) and animal flocks/herds and they wander in the desert for 40 years (or not, this is unclear).  Oh, also, no stranger, foreigner, or uncircumcised person can participate in ANY future Passovers!

13- So Yahweh is telling the Jews how to commemorate this time that Moses is leading them out of Egypt and back to Canaan.  I guess Yahweh wants the Hebrews to sacrifice the firstborn male animals in his honor.  Also, as Yahweh is leading the Hebrews through the desert, he doesn't want them to go through the land of the Philistines because there's a war there during this time?  It's possible that the Philistines don't live there yet
PENDING

14- So then Yahweh tells the Hebrews to go encamp in some sketchy place that is isolated and makes them vulnerable, then makes it so that Pharaoh will be a chode and attack them while they're chilling there.  Also, I guess the Egyptians all now know that Yahweh is, in fact, the one true god almighty, but Pharaoh and his government still doesn't?  So, he takes 600 chariots and goes to attack the Hebrews (where the hell did all the horses come from??).
Anyway, to flee the Egyptian army, Yahweh tells Moses to use his magic staff to part the sea and run through it to escape.  So, he does this.  Then when the Egyptians follow them, Yahweh tells Moses to use his magic to bring the water together, drowning the Egyptian army!

15- The Hebrews then all sing a song praising Yahweh as a mighty war god and how they defeated the Egyptians by drowning them in the sea.  Everyone is dancing and celebrating.  However, they start to run out of water as they continue to travel.  They go to some place called Morah, but they can't drink the water there because it's too bitter (?).  So Yahweh shows Moses a tree, and when they throw the tree in the water it makes the water sweet (??) so they can drink it.  Then Yahweh says that if the Hebrews continue to follow Yahweh, he won't inflict upon them all the plagues and shit that he brought upon the Egyptians.

16- Now the people are getting hungry.  Yahweh tells Moses that he will take care of the situation.  So, Yahweh hooks them up with "manna", some edible flake-like stuff that the Hebrews can grind up and bake into cakes or something.  The Hebrews ate it raw during this time, and they gathered it and ate it for the next 40 years until they finally arrived in Canaan!

17- The Hebrews are getting thirsty, again, so Yahweh stands on a rock and Moses smites the rock and water comes out.  Then the Hebrews are attacked by Amalek, the son of Eliphaz, grandson of Esau, and since Esau hated Jacob/Israel, Esau, Eliphaz, Amalek, and their descendants all hate the Israelites since they come from Jacob/Israel.  Moses chooses  Aaron and two dudes named Hur and Joshua to lead the warriors.  Moses holds up his hands, and when his hands are up the Hebrews are winning, but when his hands go down, they start to lose.  Anyway, he manages to keep them up, so the Israelites win.  Then Moses says that that Yahweh swore that the Israelites will win many battles against the Amalekites for many generations to come.

18- Meanwhile, apparently Moses had sent Zipporah, his wife, back to Zethro, her dad.  So, Jethro, Zipporah, Moses, and Moses and Zipporah's kids, Gershom and Eliezar, go to Moses' encampment in the wilderness.  Then Jethro sees that Moses is just sitting around, acting like a cult leader and telling everyone about Yahweh's rules.  Jethro then advises Moses to pick out people from the cult to help him lead.  Moses agrees, and designates sub-leaders of his cult.

19- So the Israelites are now all wandering around Mt. Sinai, and Moses goes up into the mountain to talk to Yahweh.  Yahweh tells Moses that if they obey him, he will favor them above everyone else.  The Israelites will become a kingdom of priests, and a holy nation.  Moses tells all the people about this, and they agree to follow Yahweh.  So Yahweh then tells the people to prepare for 3 days, upon which, on the third day, Yahweh will show himself to the people.  First though, everyone must wash their clothes, not have sex, and if anyone EVER touches the mountain before the third day, they will be killed!  Then Moses goes up the mountain on the third day and Yahweh comes down and talks to him, telling him not to let anyone else up (except Aaron) or else they'll be killed!

20- The 10 Commandments are given to Moses:
   1.   You shall have no gods before Yahweh.
   2.   No making any images of ANYTHING, and don't worship these images either!  Yahweh admits that he gets super jealous, and that if you make him jealous he will punish people and their descendants (to the 4th generation), but will show love to those who love and obey him for a thousand generations.
   3.   Don't misuse the name of Yahweh!
   4.   Remember the Sabbath!  On the seventh day of the week, NO WORK must be done by ANYONE.  NOT EVEN ANIMALS.
   5.   Honor your father and mother.
   6.   No murdering!
   7.   No cheating on your spouse!
   8.   No stealing!
   9.   No giving false testimony against your neighbor!
   10. No coveting of neighbors' houses, wives, servants, oxes, donkeys, or any of his property!
So then the Israelites tell Moses to act as Yahweh's interpreter, since the people will die if they talk to Yahweh themselves.  Yahweh then tells Moses to sacrifice a bunch of offerings and animals, and to make a stone altar in his honor.  However, the people aren't allowed to go up the steps of the altar because people will be able to look up your tunic and see your private parts or something.

21- Rules for slavery management.
PENDING

22- More cattle law and other commandments by Yahweh.
PENDING

23- PENDING

24- PENDING

25- Yahweh's instructions for building a sanctuary for him, in addition to a tabernacle/ark.
PENDING

26- Yahweh continues to go on and on about how to construct the ark.

27- See 26.

28- PENDING

29- Yahweh continues to explain how to worship him at the tabernacle, including the food to bring, what to wear, what to with the animals that are sacrificed, etc.

30- Yahweh continues to explain how to conduct his worship ceremonies.
PENDING

31- Yahweh continues to talk about the tabernacle.
PENDING

32- So Moses takes forever to come down from Mt. Sinai, and the people go to Aaron and I guess are mad that he's taken so long and demand new gods to worship.  Then Aaron takes the golden earrings all the people are wearing (jewelry stolen from the Egyptians, BTW), and melts them down and makes them into a golden calf, and then declares it a new god of the people.  He then builds an altar and says that the next day everyone will have a feast in honor of their new god.  So everyone obeys and offers sacrifices and eats and drinks and "plays" around the altar, whatever that means.  Yahweh finds out and is PISSED!!  He tells Moses that he wants to kill all the Israelites, and once this is done he'll let Moses start a new nation.  Moses argues with Yahweh, asking why he should kill everyone after he went to all the trouble of freeing them from the Egyptians?  Then he points out that the Egyptians might think it was bizarre that Yahweh did all of this too.  He also reminds Yahweh of the covenant he made with Abraham, Isaac, Joseph/Israel, etc.  So Yahweh changes his mind.  Then Moses comes down from Mount Sinai with his tablets and Joshua informs him that everyone is singing and partying in the camp.  Moses gets super-pissed that they're dancing, having fun, and worshiping the golden calf, so he destroys the stone tablets (?) by throwing them on the ground, and then he destroyed the golden calf idol by burning it, then grinding it into a powder, and then puts it into some water and makes everyone drink it (!).  Moses asks Aaron WTF happened, and Aaron blames the people and their mischievous ways.
PENDING

33- Then Yahweh tells Moses to continue leading the cult back to the Promised Land.  He also says that he'll send an angel before the Israelites to drive off the people living there now, but he won't go himself because he's still angry I guess and would also kill all the Israelites too in his rage.  He also keeps referring to the Israelites as a "stiff-necked" people (haha).  He also told everyone to take off their ceremonial garb because if they were wearing it he would kill them.  Moses then sets up the tabernacle far from camp and goes out there alone to talk to Yahweh.  Then a cloudy pillar descends from the sky and starts to talk to Moses.  All the Israelites see the cloudy pillar from camp and start to worship it.  Moses begins to talk to Yahweh face to face!
PENDING

34- Then Yahweh says that he's going to write up some new commandments to replace the ones that Moses broke during the Golden Calf incident.  So Moses goes and collects some new stone tablets and then goes to Yahweh to give themto him.  Yahweh then proclaims that he's merciful, gracious, long-suffering, etc., but then says that the Israelites are still to be punished for generations because of the Golden Calf incident!  Then he says that if the Israelites obey his NEW commandments, he will reward them by doing terrible things to their enemies.  Then he tells Moses to destroy all the Promised Land's altars and places of worship for their own gods, because Yahweh explains that he's incredibly jealous and can't stand people worshiping other gods.  He also says that if they don't do this, then they'll just end up making covenants with the other gods, and then everyone will become whores for other gods or something.
PENDING

35- So Moses gathers everyone together again to explain everything
PENDING

36- The Israelites then start to build a sanctuary to Yahweh. PENDING

37- The Israelites continue to build the sanctuary/Ark of the Covenant.

38- Still building it.

39- Finally finish building it!

40- Yahweh explains how to worship him at the Tabernacle.  As the Israelites travel after that, the Tabernacle is followed by Yahweh in the form of a cloud during the day, and a pillar of fire (?) at night.
PENDING