1- The story begins with a dude named Elkanah and his 2 wives, Hannah and Penninah. Penninah was able to give birth, but not Hannah. This was because, for whatever reason, Yahweh had decided to make her barren. Anyway, because she was barren, Penninah would make fun of her and shit. So one day after praying at Shiloh, where their temple was, Hannah made a vow to Yahweh, saying that if he gave her a son, she would pledge his life to Yahweh, and also never cut his hair (!?). Eli, the priest of the temple, talks to her (at first he thinks she's drunk!) and gives her a blessing. Then she goes back home, Elkanah bangs her, and she gets pregnant. She names her son Samuel (sounds like "Heard by Yahweh" in Hebrew) since he was asked for by Hannah. After some time, she then sacrifices a young bull to Yahweh at the Shiloh temple and dedicates Samuel to Yahweh officially as a nazirite.
2- Hannah then says a long prayer to Yahweh, glorifying his power. Anyway, the story continues, mentioning Eli's sons and how they're shitty and don't care about Yahweh. They also don't follow the rules when performing sacrifices at the temple. Also, during this time Hannah has four more kids (two sons and two daughters). Also, we're told that Eli's sons loved to have sex with the chicks who worked at the entrance to the meeting tent (whatever job that was). Eli tells them to knock it off, but they don't listen because Yahweh had already planned for them to continue to be shitty, thus resulting in their eventual deaths.
Eventually, Eli is approached by a "man of Yahweh" (an angel?) who tells him that Yahweh is pissed off for the way Eli's family was behaving, and curses Eli's family so that they will all die young, go blind, be weak, etc. Also, Yahweh will make sure that Eli is replaced by someone who does the job right.
3- As a nazirite, Samuel grew up under the care of Eli. Eventually, as Samuel gets older, he begins to hear the voice of Yahweh calling to him, but keeps thinking it's just Eli (?). Finally, he figures it out and starts to talk to Yahweh, Yahweh tells Samuel how he's going to punish Eli's family for their sins FOREVER, starting very soon! Then Eli makes Samuel tell him what Yahweh said. Anyway, then Samuel grows up and becomes renowned as a prophet of Yahweh in Shiloh.
4- The Promised Land is under attack by the Philistines! They ended up killing about 4000 Israelites in battle. The Israelites didn't understand why Yahweh had abandoned them on that day, so some stooge made the bad decision to remove the Ark of the Covenant from Shiloh and bring it to the next battle, thinking that it would ensure that Yahweh would physically be there to help them.
The Philistines heard that the Israelites had brought the Ark with them, and that it held the same god who fucked up the Egyptians and shit. However, obviously Yahweh was still pissed off at the Israelites because they lost the battle (losing 30,000 men), and worse, they lost the Ark! Eli's sons, Hophni and Phineas, also died.
After the battle, a Benjaminite who managed to escape the battle ran back to Shiloh and told everyone in the town what had happened. When Eli, 98 at the time, was told about the Ark AND his sons, he died. He had led the Israelites for 40 years. When Phineas' pregnant wife heard the news, she went into labor and gave birth to a son, Ichabod ("No Glory", since Yahweh had left the Israelites and also because of the slaughter and loss of family members), before dying herself.
5- So then the Philistines took the Ark of the Covenant to a temple of Dagon in Ashod, and put it next to a statue of Dagon. However, the next morning the statue had fallen down, so they picked it up and set it upright. Then the next day it happened again, except its hands and head had broken off. Anyway, Yahweh decided to take out some of his anger on the Philistines, and cursed them with tumors (and hordes of rats, death, and destruction according to some sources). Obviously, bringing the Ark into their territory was a bad idea, so the Philistines decided to move the Ark to the city of Gath (near the border), but they still were plagued by the wrath of Yahweh. So they finally moved it to the city of of Gath and then Ekron (both near the border) but of course Yahweh didn't let up, so the people finally began to cry out to get the Ark the hell out of their land and back to the Israelites.
6- So, the Philistines finally gave the Ark back to the Israelites (it took 7 months for them to figure this out!). The Philistine priests instructed their leaders to make sure to send it back with a "guilt offering" to let the Israelites know that they're sorry, with the gifts being golden rats and tumors (or hemorrhoids in some versions, GROSS) in order to explicitly express their shame. Then the priests also pointed out that they didn't want to make the same mistake as the Egyptians by being stubborn and repeatedly punished by Yahweh, so they set up a cart to carry the Ark and all of the gold offerings, and they said that if the cows leading the cart go to Beth Shemesh (in Israelite territory), they'll know that the curses were a direct punishment from Yahweh, but if the cows go a different way then the curses were just a coincidence. Of course, the cows take the cart to Beth Shemesh. So once the Israelites realize that the Ark is being returned, they rejoice and immediately sacrifice the cows as a burnt offering, and then offer more sacrifices and party it up. Unfortunately though, Yahweh gets pissed off because the Israelites decided to open up the Ark in order to look inside during their revelry, so he straight up slaughters 50,070 Israelites instantly (although this has also been interpreted as 70 men and 50 oxen, it's unclear)!
Anyway, obviously the people of Beth Shemesh are now scared to keep the Ark around, so they send messengers to the city of Kiriath-Jearim to try and get them to take it.
7- So, the citizens of Kiriath-Jearim agree to take the Ark, and they put it in a dude named Abinadab's house on a hill, and Abinadab consecrates his son Eleazar as the keeper of the Ark. It stayed there for 20 years. Anyway, the Israelites continue to act like morons and worship other gods (especially, it seems, Ashtoreth (AKA Astarte, Ishtar, etc.), Baal (kind of ambiguous as to who this is actually referring to). Obviously, this just continues to piss off Yahweh. Finally, Samuel can't stand it anymore. He calls on the Israelites to knock it the fuck off and return to the path of Yahweh. Then Samuel organizes all of the cult to gather at Mizpah for a blessing. The Philistines hear about this and decide it's a good time to attack since all of the Israelites will be gathered together. However, the Israelites find out what the Philistines are up to, so Samuel sacrifices a lamb and cries out to Yahweh for help. Yahweh responds with a loud thunderclap that confuses the Philistine army, and this allows the cult to chase them off. Then Samuel marks the place of the battle with a stone and names the place Ebenezer ("Stone of Help"). Then Samuel leads the cult into battle against the Philistines, and they retake their captured cities and old territory. Thus, Samuel becomes the new leader of the Israelites.
8- Samuel is now old, and he names his sons as leaders of the cult. First son was named Joel, second son was Abijah, and they were also the leaders of the city of Beersheba. However, these dudes sucked as leaders and fucked everything up. Finally, the elders of the cult got fed up and met with Samuel at Ramah to tell him what was up and that it was also time to get a new leader...perhaps, for once, a king (like all the other nations). So, Samuel prayed to Yahweh, and Yahweh told him that in rejecting Samuel (and his sons) as their leader and demanding a king, they were in fact actually rejecting Yahweh himself! So, Samuel then goes and tells the people what Yahweh said, except that the cult won't get a nice king like they expect, but a brutal dictator who will enslave all of them! And they'll cry out to Yahweh for help, but he won't give a shit. However, the people I guess stupidly didn't believe Samuel, and instead demanded a king anyway in order to be like all the other legit nations with kings. So Samuel goes back and tells Yahweh what's going on, and Yahweh says to go ahead and let the people have a king.
9- The story shifts to a dude named Kish and his son, Saul. They were Benjaminites from a wealthy, powerful family. Saul is super handsome and really tall. Anyway, some donkeys belonging to Kish go missing, so Saul goes looking for them with his servant. By the time they end up in Zuph it's getting late, but the servant points out that Zuph has a seer/prophet who is blessed by Yahweh with divine powers and that they should go visit him to get advice. So, they go to find this seer, who actually happens to be Samuel! So Saul goes to meet with Samuel. In fact, Samuel actually knew that he would meet Saul because Yahweh told him that it was through his power that Saul would show up. Yahweh also told Samuel to anoint him as "ruler" of the cult in order to drive out the Philistines.
Anyway, Saul meets with Samuel and Samuel tells him to not worry about the donkeys anymore. Then Saul, his servant, and Samuel eat to together with 30 other people. Then they went to bed, and in the morning Saul and his servant prepared to depart, but Samuel told Saul to send his servant on his way because Samuel had a special message for Saul sent from Yahweh.
10- Samuel then poured some olive oil on Saul's hair and kissed him, officially anointing him as ruler of the Israelites. Then he tells Saul that later on, Saul will meet dudes near Rachel's tomb who will inform him that his dad is worried about him. Then he is to go to the "great tree/field" of Tabor and meet 3 dudes who will give him 2 loaves of bread, and then he is to go to Gibeah/a certain hill (unclear) where there is a Philistine outpost. Outside of this outpost will be a bunch of prophets, and he is to join them and then he'll be possessed/empowered by Yahweh and be transformed! So Saul does exactly what he was told to do (especially because Yahweh had "changed Saul's heart"), and everyone is surprised that the well-known, tall, handsome son of Kish is prophesying along with the prophets. Then Saul meets his uncle and tells him what happened (except for the part about him being anointed as ruler of the Israelites).
Then Samuel summons all of the tribes of the cult and tells them what Yahweh had said, and all of the tribes were brought forward and they cast votes for who they wanted their king to be. Saul ends up winning, but they couldn't find him for whatever reason. Anyway, Saul is pronounced the new and first official king of the Israelites in absentia, and then they write down his kingly duties and presented this to Yahweh. Saul then returned to Gibeah with valiant men controlled by Yahweh. However, some assholes ("children of Belial") hated Saul and thought he was a noob, so they didn't support him or send him any gifts. Saul, however, keeps silent regarding this matter.
11- A dude named Nahash the Ammonite then decides to invade Jabesh Gilead, and apparently, out of fear, the citizens decide to roll over and submit if Nahash spares them from destruction. Nahash agrees to this, but on the condition that he gets to gouge out the right eye of everyone in the city! The citizens agree to this, but they say that Nahash must wait a week, and then if no one comes to the city's rescue then they will open their gates and surrender. King Saul then hears the news, freaks out, and is then suddenly possessed by Yahweh. He then sacrifices 2 oxen and sends the pieces all over Israel as a warning to anyone who doesn't follow either him or Samuel. Saul then gathers an army of 330,000 and attacks the Ammonites, slaughtering them and driving them out of the land. Then there is much rejoicing and everyone loves Saul as their king.
12- Anyway, so Samuel then makes it clear that Saul is the anointed King of Israel and that Samuel himself has lived a good and honest life, and then recants the story of the Israelites so far. Also, it appears as if Yahweh is fine with the Israelites having a king and being a kingdom (even though it may kind of piss him off still), but he still warns the Israelites that they better not fuck this up! Samuel then summons a storm with divine magic to show how pissed off he was because of the Israelites sinning against Yahweh by demanding a king.
13- OK, so Saul rules as king for 2 (or 42?) years, and apparently what follows is the story of what went down during his reign (or at least around the same time).
During this time, Israel was at war with the Philistines, both sides had amassed armies to fight. However, the Philistine army was much bigger, so this intimidated the Israelites, and they ended up hiding out in the countryside for 7 days to wait for Samuel to show up and offer some kind of leadership. During this time of waiting for Samuel, Saul performed a burnt offering ritual, which pissed off Samuel because he believed that Saul did not have the patience to wait for 7 days for Samuel to show up and help. Also, Saul wasn't a Levite, so he it was improper for him to conduct the the sacrificial ritual. Then Samuel told Saul to go fuck himself because Yahweh had chosen a new king to rule Israel instead. Samuel then left Saul and went to Gibeah.
Anyway, Saul still wanted to take on the Philistines, so he camped his army out at Gibeah. Also, it's important to note that during this time, Israel didn't have any blacksmiths due to the Philistines enforcement of a "no blacksmiths" rule when they had conquered and enslaved the Israelites for 40 years or so beforehand. The Israelite army had no weapons (except for Saul and Jonathan). Anyway, eventually a Philistine army arrived at the city of Michmash.
14- Believing that he had the power of Yahweh, Jonathan decides to attack the Philistines at their outpost at Geba (with his armor-bearer), and so the pair leave the Israelite encampment (which contained about 600 warriors and Saul himself). Jonathan ends up slaying about 20 Philistines before Yahweh sends an earthquake and wave of terror to fuck up the Philistine outpost. The Philistines then begin to flee in all directions. During all of the chaos, Saul finds out that Jonathan and armor-bearer are gone, so he decides to send for the Ark of the Covenant, and then leads an attack on the panicked Philistines, who were actually so scared and confused that they were attacking each other. Other Israelite tribes also joined in the fight against the Philistines, including the ones who had been collaborating with them (!?). Thus, Yahweh ultimately saved the Hebrews once again.
Anyway, after the battle Saul tells everyone not to eat until evening since he hasn't yet truly had vengeance on the Philistines yet. As the army entered a nearby forest, there was honey everywhere (?) but no one ate it. However, Jonathan hadn't heard Saul's orders to not eat, so he ate some honey, but was soon stopped by one of the warriors who warned him what Saul had said. Unfortunately, Jonathan convinced the warrior that the honey would make them happier, and then eventually after eating the honey they ended up killing and eating some of the forest wildlife as well (including the blood, a big sin!). When Saul found out he was royally pissed off, and told all of them that they were sinners. Then he tried to ask Yahweh what to do next, but Yahweh didn't answer. Then the warriors tried to defend Jonathan and stopped him from being executed by Saul for getting everyone to disobey orders and sin.
Anyway, Saul then fought other wars against the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, the Kings of Zobah, in addition to the Philistines, and was always victorious.
Saul's family: in addition to Jonathan, Saul had 3 other sons- Abinadab, Malchishua and Ish-bosheth (Ishvi?). His daughters were Merab and Michal. His wife was Ahinoam. His cousin was Abner, who was also the commander of the Israel's army.
15- Samuel then tells Saul that Yahweh has sent him to anoint him as king over all of the Israelites and the Promised Land (I guess this is a recap?). Also, Yahweh has declared that the Amelekites are to be punished and slaughtered completely (men, women, children, babies, cattle, sheep, camels, and donkeys).
So, Saul raises a huge army at Telaim and they go to attack the Amelekites. They set up an ambush outside of the city, but warned the neighboring Kenites (who I guess were living in the area) that there was going to be trouble so GTFO. Saul then invaded the land ans slaughtered everyone completely except for Agag, the Amelekite king/chief. They also spared the good/healthy livestock. Unfortunately, this pissed off Yahweh because he had told them to slaughter EVERYTHING.
Anyway, Samuel then goes to meet Saul the next day, but finds that Saul had traveled to the city of Carmel, where set up a monument in his own honor and that he was on his way towards Gilgal. So, Samuel finally catches up with Saul and scolds him for not completely obeying Yahweh regarding his instructions to completely slaughter the Amelekites. Saul's excuse was that he was going to eventually sacrifice the animals to Yahweh, but Samuel didn't buy this. Saul also apologized, but Samuel still didn't care. Samuel tells him that Yahweh no longer wants Saul to be king and that the kingdom shall be torn and given to a neighboring people in the future as punishment for his mistake(s). He also says that "the glory of Israel" is not a human being who changes frequently changes his mind.
Then Samuel summons Agag, curses him and his family ("his wife shall be childless"), and then executes him by hacking him to pieces! Then Samuel left for Ramah and Saul went back to his home in Gibeah. This was the last time the two men would ever see each other. Also, Yawheh regretted making Saul the king of Israel (even though it said earlier that Yahweh is infallible).
16- Yahweh then tells Samuel to hurry the fuck up and quit mourning Saul, because Yahweh has chosen a NEW king of Israel! Samuel is then instructed to go meet a dude in Bethlehem named Jesse, because one of Jesse's sons is to be the new king. However, Samuel is worried because he thinks that this will piss off Saul, but Yahweh obv doesn't care and tells him to meet up with Jesse, sacrifice a cow, and await further instruction. So, Samuel does so and meets up with Jesse and his sons. When Samuel sees one of the sons, Eliab, he thinks surely that this dude is the Chosen One, but Yahweh tells him that he didn't select Israel's new king based on physical appearance, but instead the the contents of the heart.
Anyway, 7 of Jesse's sons pass in front of Samuel, but Samuel says that none of them are the Chosen One. Samuel's confused. However, Jesse then tells Samuel that David, his youngest son, is out tending to the sheep. Sure enough, David shows up and is handsome and glowing with energy, and Yahweh informs Samuel that David is indeed the Chosen One. So, Samuel anoints David with a horn of oil, and the power of Yahweh entered David. Then Samuel went to Ramah.
Meanwhile, the power of Yahweh had left Saul, and now he was haunted by an evil (?!) spirit of Yahweh! What? Saul's followers also had realized what was up, and were searching for a lyre player who had the ability to calm Saul down when he was in the middle of a panic attack caused by being haunted by Yahweh's evil spirit. One of Saul's followers points out that Jesse's son David is pretty good at playing the lyre (and is also a solid dude and a warrior, not to mention a follower of Yahweh), so Saul sends for David, and David arrives with a donkey and some bread, wine, and a young goat. Saul really likes David, so he decided to hire him on as his lyre player and armor-bearer.
17- Meanwhile, the Philistines were on the rise again! Saul and the Israelites go and make camp in the Valley of Elah to wait for the right time to strike. They also learn that the champion of the Philistines was a dude from Gath named Goliath, who was almost 10 feet tall and decked out in bronze armor, and was also armed with a bronze javelin. Goliath comes out and challenges the Israelites to 1-on-1 combat, the losing side agreeing to submit. However, the Israelites were understandably too scared to take up Goliath on his offer. However, David eventually finds out that Saul has promised a handsome reward (and his own daughter in marriage) to any man who could slay Goliath. Although Eliab had told David to go back and tend to the sheep, scolding him for being selfish and leaving them unattended. This doesn't last long tho, as Saul soon summons David to attend to him. It's at this time that he tells Saul that he wants fight Goliath. Of course, Saul reacts to this by telling him that it's a terrible idea.
David tells Saul not to worry because he knows how to fight since he has had to protect the flocks from predators and shit. Also, David knows that he has the power of Yahweh. So, Saul then dresses David up in some armor and shit, but it's awkward so David takes it off and just brings a sling along with some stones. Goliath mocks David when he sees him and curses him in the name of the Philistine god/gods. David then tells Goliath that he's going to fuck him up in the name of Yahweh, and then uses his sling to throw a rock directly into the middle of Goliath's forehead, killing him instantly. David then used his sword to decapitate Goliath's corpse. After this, the Philistines turn and run, with the Israelites chasing and slaughtering them and plundering their camp.
David then took Goliath's head up to Jerusalem and kept Goliath's weapons in his own tent. He then went and reported to Saul and Abner.
18- Meanwhile, Jonathan is really into David and loves him. Also, Saul, for whatever reason, decides to keep David around permanently and not let him return home to his family. Anyway, Jonathan then swears a covenant to David and gives him his stuff as a symbol of his devotion.
So, life goes on and David begins to be a successful soldier in Saul's army, winning battles and getting promoted. However, when Jonathan and David return home they found that it was obvious that David was more popular than Saul, and this made Saul jealous. Then Yahweh sends down the evil spirit that haunts Saul, and Saul throws a spear at David. Somehow though, David still says in Saul's army and continues to do well. Saul even gives David his eldest daughter, Merab, for marriage (!). However, David says that he's not worthy, so Merab is given to Adriel of Meholah instead. Saul then tries to get David to marry his second daughter, Michal, but David still refuses, saying that he's too poor and unworthy. Saul tells him that he;ll be worthy if he can get 100 Philistine foreskins (gross!), a task he deemed impossible and extremely likely to get David killed off while attempting to complete. Of course, David is not only successful, but he actually returns with 200 foreskins!! So David then marries Michal. He also continues to do well in the military, which makes Saul even more paranoid/insecure/scared.
19- Saul again concocts a hair-brained scheme to try and kill David, telling his son Jonathan and all of his courtiers to just straight up kill David. However, Jonathan and David have a VERY close relationship, so Jonathan warns David about this. Jonathan then convinces his father that David is nice, but of course Yahweh sends an evil spirit to fuck with Saul and make him still want to kill David anyway. So again, Saul hurls a spear at David while David's playing his lyre. I guess Saul misses because David survives this attack, but decides that enough is enough and and flees Saul. David's wife, Michal, hid an idol (?) in David's bed and voered it and put some goat hair on it to resemble hair, and when Saul goes to David's home to kill him he finds that David has gone, and that Michal is attempting to pull a fast one on Saul. Thinking fast, Michal says that David threatened to kill her, so she's let off the hook I guess.
Anyway, so we find out David has fled to Samuel, and Samuel goes with him to a place called Naioth (near Ramah). Saul's men also go to Naioth, but they encounter a group of prophets (including Samuel) that were in the middle of prophesying, and the spirit of Yahweh comes over everyone. Saul then tries again to send his men to Naioth, same shit happens. Saul tries a third time, same thing. Finally, Saul himself decides to journey to Naioth to see wtf is going on, and then Yahweh's spirit possesses Saul and he takes off his clothes and joins the prophets in their prophesying.
20- So David then runs to Jonathan and asks him for help. David then tells Jonathan to cover for him as he hides, and for Jonathan to watch his dad's reaction to David not being there because Jonathan didn't believe that Saul truly wanted to kill him (?). Jonathan then swears an oath to David and his family. Also, we're reminded that Jonathan REALLY loves David. They arrange for a way for Jonathan to signal to David whether it's all clear or not by shooting arrows and then sending a servant kid to go fetch them. Anyway, of course Saul blows up when he asks where David is and Jonathan covers for him. Saul then curses Jonathan and then tries to kill him, so Jonathan then realizes that his Dad really does want to kill David. Jonathan then sends the signal that it's not safe for David to return, and that David needs to gtfo there. Then Jonathan actually goes out there and they kiss :D and cry and say goodbye. Then Jonathan returns home and David flees.
21- Then David goes to the city of Nob (haha) where Ahimelek the high priest lives. David lies to the priest and tells him that he is on a secret mission for the king, and requires some bread/food. The priest gives him some holy bread (that's all he had to eat, I guess), but is sure to check and see that David (or any of the men that David is allegedly meeting with haven't been around any women (whom they considered to be gross and unclean). Also lurking around is a servant of Saul's named Doeg, who was "detained before the Lord" (whatever that means). Anyway, David then acquired the Sword of Goliath, which was being kept at the Tabernacle. David then flees to the Philistine city-state of Gath, where he somehow ends up meeting the king there, Achish. However, Achish knows who David is and that he's an Israeli fugitive, so to create a distraction David acts insane and drools all over himself and claws the wall and shit. This pisses off Achish, and decides that David is obnoxious.
22- So David then flees Gath and escapes to a fortress referred to as "the Cave of Adullam" (a fortress). His brothers' and father's households hear about what's going on, so they also go to the fortress. Along the way the poor and downtrodden hear about the situation, and they follow David's family on their way. David ends up becoming the leader of about 400 men when everyone arrives at the fortress. Anyway, so then David goes to the city of Mizpah in the kingdom of Moab, and asks the Moabite king if it's OK if David's parents stay there under his protection until he figures out WTF Yahweh's plan is for him. Then a prophet named Gad tells David to go to the land of Judah, so David headed there (by way of the forest of Hereth).
Anyway, so then Saul hears news about what David has been up to, so he meets with his officials on a hill at Gibeah and scolds all of them for not supporting him enough or telling him about what's going on. Deciding to get on Saul's good side, an Edomite named Doeg tells Saul that he saw David meeting with the high priest Ahimelek at Nob. So Saul then summons Ahimelek and his family to his court, demanding to know why Ahimelek helped David and gave him the Sword of Goliath. Ahimelek tells Saul that Saul doesn't realize that David is actually quite loyal and is also an old friend anyway who is close to Yahweh, but Saul obviously doesn't care about this and orders his guards to execute Ahimelek and his family. However, his guards refuse to do so, so instead Saul orders Doeg to execute all of them instead. So, Doeg ends up executing Ahimelek and 84 of the men (who were also priests) in his family, and then he went and executed everyone in the town of Nob, including its livestock! Luckily, there was one survivor, named Abiathar (a son of Ahimelek), who managed to escape and flee to David to tell him what was happening. David assures Abiathar that he's safe.
23- Anyway, David then finds out the Philistines are invading the city of Keilah, so he asked Yahweh what to do. Of course, Yahweh told him to go fuck the Philistines up and save the city! However, David's armies are scared, but Yahweh assures him that everything will be fine, so David goes with his men and drives off the Philistines.
Saul hears about what David did and decides that now is the perfect time to crush David, since he's off-guard and chilling in the liberated city. David hears a rumor about what is happening and confirms it with Yahweh, but Yahweh also informs him that the citizens of Keilah will betray him. So, David decides to flee the city with his army. While he's staying in Horesh in the Desert of Ziph, Jonathan meets with David to tell him not to worry; that David is destined to be king of Israel. Then the two men make a covenant with Yahweh and Jonathan leaves.
The Ziphites then meet with Saul and tell him that they'll give up David should they get the chance, and agree to spy on him and gather information about his whereabouts to help Saul crush him.
David is traveling with his men in the Desert of Maon when he finds out that Saul's men are right behind them! However, right before he can catch David, Saul gets a message saying that the Philistines are invading the kingdom, so he decides to abort the mission and go fight off the Philistines. David then goes and chills at the strongholds of En Gedi.
24- After fighting off the Philistines, Saul then continues his hunt for David with 3000 warriors in a place called the Crags of the Wild Goats. Saul then happens to go take a piss/shit in the same cave that David and his men are hiding, so David decides that this is his time to strike! He goes and tries to kill him, but only cuts off part of his robe. David then regrets doing this because he believed that Saul was anointed as king by Yahweh, so it was wrong for him to attack him. So, he also told his men not to attack Saul. After Saul was finished with his business, he left the cave. David then followed him out of the cave, bowed to him, and confronted him about what was going on. He shows him the piece of the robe that he cut off, and tells him that he could have killed him but didn't because he's nice and so Yahweh will take revenge on Saul for being shitty instead of David dirtying his hands with evil deeds. Saul feels awful and tells David that he'll be the rightful king if he agrees to not kill Saul's descendants when he assumes power. David agrees, Saul goes home, and David returns to his stronghold.
25- Samuel dies :( The Israelites all mourn his death, and he's buried at at his home in Ramah. Then David traveled to the Desert of Paran.
Anyway, the story now shifts to Nabal, a super wealthy asshole dude in the town of Maon who owns a bunch of property in the town of Carmel. Nabal's wife is a beautiful and intelligent woman named Abigail. Anyway, so David and his army are traveling in the wilderness when they hear Nabal shearing some sheep, so he sends some warriors to go greet him. David also tells his warriors to remind Nabal that David's army was always good to Nabal's shepherds and didn't fuck up his land or anything, so hopefully he will be kind enough to treat them well while they are in his land. However, Nabal replies by saying that he doesn't know who David is and doesn't want to waste his resources on some stranger. Of course, this pisses off David when he hears this, so he calls for 400 warriors to accompany him to go fuck up Nabal (while 200 warriors stayed back to guard their supplies).
Before they attack, one of Nabal's servants ends up telling Abigail the news that David's army is about to attack, but doesn't want to try and defend Nabal since he's such an asshole and that David's men have treated the servants well. Thinking fast, Abigail gathered a bunch of food and loaded it on donkeys before telling her servants to flee, and that also she would follow them shortly. Then she leaves, and as she's going on her way she runs into David and his men. She explains that she hates Nabal and that he's an asshole (I guess "Nabal" actually means "fool" maybe?), and that she thinks David is awesome and blessed by Yahweh. David then realizes that the battle is not to be fought against Nabal and his people, but actually the problem lies just with Nabal himself. He thanks Abigail for her gifts, and then Abigail returns back home to Nabal. When she gets home, she finds that Nabal is having a party and is really drunk. Abigail waits until morning to tell him about what she did, and this causes Nabal to have a mental breakdown and become catatonic. 10 days later, Yahweh straight-up strikes the fool dead! David praises Yahweh and then sent men to Carmel to inform Abigail that she was to marry David. Abigail agrees and marries him. Then David also marries another chick named Ahinoam of Jezreel. We find out that although David HAD been married to Michal, I guess they had forced to divorce when Saul started trying to David because Saul had given her away to someone else by this time.
26- I guess Saul got over feeling shitty and decides to try and kill David again. The people of the Desert of Ziph tell Saul that David is hiding out on the Hill of Hakilah (near Jeshimon), so David gathers an army of 3000 and goes to the Hill of Hakilah and camps out nearby. David, meanwhile, is hiding out in the wilderness, and quickly learns that Saul has arrived with his army. David then makes a plan to strike while Saul is sleeping, so he sneaks into Saul's camp with a dude named Abishai. They find Saul sleeping, but he's also surrounded by other sleeping soldiers. Abishai offers to kill Saul, but David says no because that would be wrong and that even though they are enemies, Saul was still anointed by Yahweh. So they opt to steal Saul's spear and water jug instead. Also, we find out that no one woke up because Yahweh had used his divine powers to put everyone in the camp in a deep sleep. After they leave the camp, David goes up on a hill and calls out to Saul's army. Abner answers him, and David chastises Abner and the other soldiers for failing to protect Saul (who was anointed as king by Yahweh himself) and that Saul could have been killed, and that therefore Abner and the rest of Saul's army deserve to die. Saul himself then starts talking to David, and David yells at Saul, asking him why he's still running around trying to kill him. Saul once again feels bad and confesses that he has sinned, and asks for David to return back home with him. David then returns Saul's spear to him. Saul blesses David, and both men go their separate ways.
27- However, David still believes that he's not truly safe and that Saul will try to kill him, and that his only hope is to escape to the land of the Philistines. So, David gathered an army of 600 men and traveled to the city of Gath (in Philistine territory) to dwell under the safety of Achish, the king of the city. David was right, because Saul apparently HAD been still hunting David, but gave up the search when he found out that David and his army had fled to Gath. David then politely suggests that it's unsuitable for him and his army to dwell in the same royal city as the king, so Achish decides to give David and his army the village of Ziklag. David and his army chilled there for a year and 4 months. Around this time, David and his army began conducting raids against neighboring peoples such as the Geshurites, Girzites, and Amalekites (all of whom dwelled in the land extending from Shur to Egypt). We find out that David was completely ruthless, and completely massacred any people he attacked (but kept the livestock and plunder for himself and his army). Achish finds out what David has been up to, and believes that he will never be accepted back into Israelite society because he's become such a barbarian.
28- Meanwhile, the Philistines were gathering an army to once again attack Israel. Because David and his army were in Philistine lands, Achish told David that his army would have to fight on the side of the Philistines against Israel, and David surprisingly agrees!
Anyway, so as we know, Samuel is dead and all of the Kingdom of Israel is in mourning. Also, we find out that Saul had kicked out all the mediums and fortune-tellers from the land. When the Philistine army (supplemented by David's auxiliary units) is confronted by Saul's army, Saul gets really scared. He tried to communicate with Yahweh, but Yahweh wouldn't answer. So, he summoned a female seer, but there obviously there weren't any available to heed his call since he had banned the practice in the kingdom. However, he soon finds out that there's one living in the village of Endor, so he disguises himself and goes to Endor to visit the medium. He asks her to consult a spirit for him, but she tells him that she can't do it because the practice has been banned, and she suspects that this is a trap for her that could result in her being put to death. However, Saul swears in the name of Yahweh that she won't be punished if she does so. So she agrees to do so, and Saul tells her to summon Samuel. Somehow when she summons the ghost of Samuel she realizes that her customer is actually Saul, but he assures her that everything is OK so she continues. Anyway, the witch summons Samuel's ghost up out of the earth, and Saul tells Samuel about the situation and asks him what to do. Samuel basically tells Saul that he's an idiot because he disobeyed Yahweh and failed to carry out his wrath completely against the Amalekites, so Yahweh has forsaken Saul and decided that David is the rightful ruler. Samuel also says that on the next day, when the Philistines do battle against the Israelites, the Israelites will lose and Saul and his sons will be killed. Saul has a mental breakdown at these words and is really shaken, but eventually is able to eat some food that was provided by the witch, and then he and his men her and go on their way.
29- The Philistine army prepares to attack the Israelites. Because David and his men are among the Philistine army, the Philistine commanders are confused about this so they ask Achish what the deal is with David. Achish defends David as a trustworthy dude, but the Philistine commanders don't believe him and demand that he kick David and his men out from the Philistine army, worrying that David will turn on them. To be fair to the Philistine commanders, they had heard the legends of how mighty a warrior and commander David was, so it made sense for them to be concerned. So, Achish summons David and tells him that, sadly, he's not to ride with the Philistine army into battle. David is confused, but Achish tells him what's up with the other Philistine commanders, so the next morning David and his men leave and head back to Philistine territory.
30- When David and his men return to Ziklag, they find that the village has been raided by the Amalekites and that everyone has been captured and the village burned. His warriors are so upset that there's even talk of mutiny (stoning David) out of revenge for leading them into this mess. Finding strength in Yahweh, David confides in the priest Abiathar and tells him to bring him the ephod. Yahweh then tells David to chase down the Amalekites, kill them, and rescue his people. So, David and 600 warriors head out, but when they reach the Valley of Besor 200 warriors are too tired to go on, so they stay behind. On their way they encounter an Egyptian dude who is starving, so they take him into their camp and feed him. He ends up telling them that he's actually a slave of the Amalekites, but was abandoned 3 days before because he was sick. He then agrees to lead David and his army to the Amalekite raiding party after they promise to not kill him or hand him back over to his master. So, David and his army are then led to the Amalekite raiders, and attack them! They fight a long battle until the evening of then next day, and all of the Amalekites are killed except for 400 who ride off on camels. So, David and his army then gather up all the loot and the rescued captives and return back to the Valley of Besor. However, the warriors who fought against the Amalekites were unwilling to share their plunder with those who stayed behind. David then steps in and says that everyone is to share their shit equally, regardless of if they fought in the battle or not. Then David and his army returned to Ziklag, and from there sent a bunch of plunder to the elders of Judah, who were his friends (and to maybe some other places?).
31- Meanwhile, the Philistines were still doing battle against the Israelites, and the latter were getting their asses kicked. As predicted by Samuel's ghost, Saul's sons (Jonathan, Abinadab and Malki-Shua) all died in a battle at Mount Gilboa. Later that day, Saul is badly wounded by archers. Unwilling to let himself be taken and "abused" by "uncircumcised fellows", Saul tells his armor-bearer to run him through with his sword. However, the armor-bearer didn't want to, so Saul fell on his sword and killed himself instead. When the news spread across the kingdom that Saul and his sons were dead, the Israelites began abandoning their cities and fleeing, and thus these cities became occupied by the Philistines. When the Philistines are looting the dead Israelites, they find Saul and his three sons' corpses, so they cut off Saul's head and take his armor. Then they put up his armor on display at one of their temples to Ashtoreth (Astarte / Ishtar), and fastened his and his sons' bodies to the city wall of Beth Shan. However, when the Israelites at the city of Jabesh Gilead heard what the Philistines had done, they gathered together a band of brave warriors and went to Beth Shan, where they took the bodies down from the wall and burned them. Then they took the bones and buried them under a tamarisk tree. Then they fasted for 7 days.
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