1- After fucking up the Amalekites, David and his warriors returned to Ziklag. After a few days, a dude enters the camp who claimed to be an escaped POW who had been held captive by the Israelites. He said that Saul and Jonathan were dead, and that the Israelites had been defeated in battle against the Philistines. He also says that he knows Saul is dead because Saul had asked him to kill him so he wouldn't be taken prisoner by the Philistines. So, the Amalekite prisoner did so. This directly contradicts how Saul died in 1 Samuel, but whatever. The ex-POW then reveals that he has Saul's crown and armband. So obviously David and his army are really saddened by the news, so they mourn for awhile. Then David executes that dude (!), because he killed Saul (who had been anointed by Yahweh). Next, David then laments Saul's and Jonathan's deaths and says that all of Israel needs to memorize the lamentation and be taught archery properly or something.
2- David and Yahweh are having a chat, and Yahweh tells David to go to Hebron. So David takes his family and warriors there, and they settle there. Then they are visited by delegates from the tribe of Judah, and they anoint David as their king. He then blesses the men who buried Saul for burying him properly. However, all was still not well in Israel. Although Saul was dead, Abner (the commander of his army) and Ish-Bosheth (another son of Saul's who I guess didn't die?) were not, and because his father was dead, Ish-Bosheth believed himself to be the next rightful king and had proclaimed all of Israel has his kingdom. Judah, however, remained loyal to David. So, both sides finally decided to meet at Gibeon to settle the matter. Abner represented Ish-Bosheth, and a dude named Joab represented David. I guess to break the ice or settle the matter or something, they decide to have a "game" in which their warriors fight in hand-to-hand combat in front of everyone. Of course, David's men win. Then in the chaos, Joab's brother Asahel starts chasing after Abner to kill him, and after Abner repeatedly warns Asahel to stop chasing him, he ends up killing Asahel with a spear. Then Joab and his other brother, Abishai, pursued Abner to the Hill of Ammah (near Giah), where the Benjaminites rallied behind Abner. Abner then calls out to Joab and tells him that this war is pointless and will just result in an endless cycle of bloodshed and civil war. Joab realizes that Abner's right, so he stops his men from going into battle with Abner and the Benjaminites. So then Abner and his men leave and they go to Mahanaim (across the Jordan River). Joab then gathers his men together and they bury Asahel at their father's tomb in Bethlehem before going to Hebron.
3- The war between the clans of David and Saul continued for a long time, but David was winning. Also at this point, David has gotten a harem of wives (Ahinoam, Abigail, Makaah, Haggith, Abital, Eglah), and during this time he has 6 sons (Amnon, Kileab, Absalom, Adonijah, Shephatiah, Ithream). Meanwhile, Abner was increasing his power and influence in Saul's faction. However, there was some drama when Ish-Bosheth accused Abner of banging Saul's concubine, Rizpah. Naturally, this pissed off Abner, who defended himself angrily.
Anyway, so because of this, Abner sent messengers to David saying that he wanted to form an alliance, and David agrees, but only if he delivers to him his wife Michal (daughter of Saul, whom was given to David in exchange for 100 Philistine foreskins haha). Abner agrees to this, but obviously this made Michal's new husband, Paltiel, really sad. Abner then meets with the Benjaminites and tells David that all of Israel is ready to accept him as their king.
Later, Joab returns with some warriors after doing some raids, and finds out that Abner met with David and that David let him go in peace, which pisses him off. Joab tells David that Abner is playing him for a fool and is just meeting with him to gain information and intelligence. Joab then arranged a private meeting with Abner (unbeknownst to David). When they were alone, Joab and Abishai killed Abner. When David finds out, he's obviously pissed about this, so he curses Joab's family ("May Joab’s family never be without someone who has a running sore or leprosy or who leans on a crutch (possibly a homosexual euphemism) or who falls by the sword or who lacks food.”). David then ordered a funeral procession for Abner, and they buried him in Hebron, where they held his funeral. David also refused to eat until the sun went down. Because of all of David's actions, the people believed that David was sincere in mourning, and this of course dramatically increased their respect and reverence for him as their king. David then wills for Yahweh to take revenge on Joab and his family for the murder.
4- Meanwhile, when Ish-Bosheth heard about the death of Abner, he became really upset and distraught. We're also introduced to two men who were sub-commanders of Ish-Bosheth who led raiding parties and stuff- Baanah and Rekab (from the tribe of Benjamin). We also find out that Jonathan had a son named Mephibosheth, who was crippled because when he was a baby his nurse dropped him when fleeing from the Battle of Gilboa). Anyway, for whatever reason Baanah and Rekab go to Ish-Bosheth's house in the middle of the day while Ish-Bosheth is taking a nap, and they kill him before leaving! They stabbed him to death, decapitated him, and then took his head with them. Baanah and Rekab then go and present the head to David, hoping to find favor with the new king. Of course, just like with what happened with Saul, David gets really pissed off and has Baanah and Rekab executed via cutting off their hands and feet and then hanging their bodies near a pool in Hebron. However, David had Ish-Bosheth's head buried at Abner's tomb.
5- Thus, all the tribes of Israel were now united under David as their king. They all went to Hebron and pledged their loyalty to him. David was 30 when he became king of Judah (where he reigned for 7 years), and then later reigned over all of Israel for 33 more years until his death. However, Jerusalem was still being controlled by the Jebusites. There's then some business about the "lame and blind" defending the city or something, but this is unclear as to what exactly this means. Anyway, I guess David conquers the city or something and sets up shop in a fortress called The City of David (built on a hill called Zion). Then David and his forces grew in power because they had Yahweh on their side. So powerful was he that hoping to get on his good side, the Phoenician king Hiram of Tyre sent a bunch of materials and workers to Zion to build a palace for David. Also, in the future David would end up taking more wives in Jerusalem (now the capital city of his kingdom), and have more children- Shammua, Shobab, Nathan, Solomon, Ibhar, Elishua, Nepheg, Japhia, Elishama, Eliada and Eliphelet. The Philistines heard that David was amassing all this power, so they gathered a huge army to take him on. David hears about this and consults with Yahweh, and Yahweh tells him to go forth and slay the Philistines! So David then goes out with his army and fights the Philistines at a place called Baal Perazim ("the lord breaks out"), named after how David's army annihilated the Philistine army. The Philistines then flee and abandon all of their idols, which the Israelites take as their plunder. Then they fight another battle in which Yahweh tells David to take his army and sneak around some trees or something, and with the help of Yahweh of course they defeat the Philistine army.
6- David then gathered up 30,000 warriors to go to Baalah (in Judah) to get the ark. They get it and then bring it back to Zion. There they took it to the house of Abinadab. The cart was being drawn by Uzzah and Ahio, Abinadab's sons. Then they had a huge celebration with a bunch of musical instruments and stuff.
Anyway, at some point they carry the ark through a barn, but one of the oxen stumbles so Uzzah reaches out to keep the ark from falling off the cart. However, this really pisses off Yahweh (!?) so he instantly strikes him dead!! Then David gets pissed off at Yahweh for killing Uzzah! However, David is also scared of Yahweh's wrath, so he has the ark taken to the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite. Therefore, because the ark was at this dude's house, his house and family were blessed by Yahweh.
When David found out that Obed-Edom's house was doing so well with Yahweh's blessing, he ordered for the ark to be brought to Zion (haha). As they bring the ark to Zion there's much rejoicing and sacrificing of animals and shit. David also joins in on the celebration and is dancing around and stuff with everyone. However, Michal watched David from a window, and was so disgusted by his behavior that she DESPISED him with all of her heart (!?).
Anyway, so they then bring the ark into a tent and David performs some sacrifices and stuff, blesses everyone, and then gives them some bread to eat before they all head home. However, when David returns home Michal chastises him for acting like an idiot in front of everyone while they were celebrating. David sticks up for himself by saying that he was chosen by Yahweh and not anyone else, so she can go fuck herself and he'll dance however he likes and doesn't care if the slave girls are watching him or not. Then it says "And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death" (hahaha).
7- So David gets settled in his palace after all the fighting stops, and finally he has time to chill. But then he notices that the Ark of the Covenant is just sitting in a tent while he's chilling in his palace, so this kind of bothers him. A prophet named Nathan, one of David's courtiers, tells David that she should go ahead and do whatever he thinks is best regarding this situation. However, later that night Yahweh speaks to Nathan and tells him that the Ark has always been in a tent, and that it has never been in a house. Also, he says that he will make Israel a great and mighty people and blah blah. However, it will be the descendants of David who will build a house for Yahweh, not David. Yahweh also says that "the throne of (David's) kingdom will last forever" (which, as we know, isn't true...was Yahweh lying?). Then David says a prayer to Yahweh and praises him a lot.
8- So then David wages a bunch of wars against the Philistines and Moabites. He also has this bizarre practice of making all the enemy survivors lay on the ground, and then he lays a cord next to them, and those who fell between the lengths of two cords he would kill, but those who fell in the third length would be spared (?). So that's kind of nice I guess? Regardless, the Moabites are eventually crushed and their lands become a tributary state to the kingdom of Israel.
During this time Israel also fought a war against the kingdom of Zobah (AKA Aram-Zobah, located in modern-day Syria) over control of the Euphrates River and inevitably captured/killed thousands of their soldiers, including the hamstringing of most of their horses :(
Israel then battles against the armies of the city-state of Damascus (who were allied with Zobah), killing 22,000 of their soldiers! Thus, the Arameans (people to the north of Israel) were conquered by King David. Obviously, King David was winning all of his victories because he had the power of Yahweh on his side. During all of this, David plundered a bunch of bronze from these lands and brought them back to Jerusalem. After this, King Tou of the city-state of Hamath (modern-day Syria) to the north of Israel sent his son, Joram (AKA Hadoram), to congratulate King David on all of his victories (who had also coincidentally been enemies of Hamath as well) and also present him with tributary gifts.
With all of the gifts, tribute, and plunder Israel had obtained during this time, King David made sure that all of it was dedicated to Yahweh.
We now find out that the kingdom of Israel has conquered the kingdoms Edom (in which 18,000 Edomite (or Aramean? unclear) soldiers were slain in a place called The Valley of Salt) and Moab in addition to the Ammonites, the Philistines, and the Amalekites.
We also learn about King David's inner circle: Joab, son of Zeruiah (army general); Jehoshaphat, son of Ahilud (scribe/recorder/chronicler); the priest Zadok, son of Ahitub, Ahimelek, son of Abiathar (or Abiathar is the Ahimelek, this is unclear), and some of David's sons (unclear who exactly) (priests); Seraiah (secretary); Benaiah, son of Jehoiada (managed the Kerethites and Pelethites (unclear who these dudes are exactly, maybe elite royal guards?).
9- Anyway, so King David then summons Ziba, a servant of Saul's house, to his court. David felt bad for his war against Saul, so he decides to try and show some kindness to any surviving members of Saul's family. Ziba tells David that there is one of Saul's grandsons (a son of Jonathan), named Mephibosheth (AKA Merib-baal), who is still alive (and also "lame in both feet"). Showing kindness to him, King David told Mephibosheth that he would honor his noble heritage and allow for him to eat at the same table as the king and his retinue. So, Mephibosheth moved to Jerusalem from the town of Lo-debar (kind of a ghetto I guess), and David arranged for Ziba and his huge family (including 15 sons and 20 servants of their own) to serve as Mephibosheth's personal servants. It's also mentioned that one of Ziba's sons was named Mika.
10- So, Nahash, King of Ammon and the Ammonites, dies, and his son Hanun takes over as king. King David wants to show kindness to King Hanun because his father had previously "shown kindness" to David (it is unclear as to what this means exactly, and there has been lots of scholarly debate on this subject). Anyway, so King David sends a delegation to Ammon, but King Hanun and his advisers are suspicious of King David's intentions; thus, they decide to humiliate the Israelite delegation by arresting them, shaving off half of their beards, cutting their clothes really short (real mature, guys), and then sending them back to Israel. Realizing the urgency of the situation, King David sends messengers to the delegation, telling them to chill out in the city of Jericho until their beards have regrown, and then to return to Jerusalem.
The Ammonites, realizing the diplomatic crisis they had created, decided that they had no choice but to prepare for war since Israel obviously wasn't going to take lightly to this insult. So, they raised an army of mercenaries (mainly from the Aramean tribes of the lands to the east, but also from other places it looks like) in order to defend the kingdom.
Of course, King David was indeed pissed off, and as a result sent Joab (along with Abishai as sub-commander) to lead the army in fucking up Ammon. Of course, when the Israelite army attacks, Ammon's army flees the battlefield. However, Ammon wasn't finished yet. They regrouped and gathered more Aramean troops (this time even from beyond the Euphrates River) as well as an army from Zobah sent by Hadadezer (King of Zobah) to help defend Ammon, so when King David heard about this he personally led the army of Israel in the invasion of Ammon. Of course, the Israelites are successful, resulting in the deaths of thousands, and the Ammonites flee the battlefield. Shobak, the commander of the Zobah troops, was killed in this battle. Because of this, all the allies of Ammon grew too frightened to help Ammon and swore fealty to Israel instead.
11- It's spring now, and David sent Joab out with the Israelite army to wage war against the Ammonites. David, however, stayed in Jerusalem. One night while David is walking around on the roof of his palace, he spots a really hot chick bathing. He finds out that she is Bathsheba, daughter of Eliam and wife of a soldier in the Israelite army named Uriah the Hittite. Anyway, David DGAF that she was married, and summoned her to him and then banged her. Later, he finds out she's pregnant. So, David summons Uriah to him and then tells him to go back to his house and wash his feet (?). However, Uriah decides to not go back to his home, and instead sleeps on the steps of the palace with his servants.
When David finds out about this, he asks Uriah why he didn't go home. Uriah explains to him that he's uncomfortable with going home and living a life of luxury at home while his fellow warriors are out doing battle and living in camps.
Anyway, so David then invites Uriah to stay in Jerusalem and hang out with him, and a couple days later they eat dinner together and get drunk. However, Uriah still doesn't go home and sleeps at the entrance of the palace.
Finally, David's had enough, so he orders Joab to place Uriah in the most dangerous position for the next battle. Joab does this, and of course Uriah ends up getting killed during a siege. Joab sends a messenger to tell him the news that although some warriors in his army were slain, Uriah the Hittite was also KIA. So the messenger goes and tells David this, and David sends a message back to Joab telling him to continue the siege.
Anyway, so Bathsheba is really sad about her husband dying, but gets over it pretty quick I guess because she soon marries David and gives birth to a son.
Not surprisingly, however, Yahweh is really pissed off about what happened...
12- Yahweh sends the prophet Nathan to David. Nathan tells David a parable about a rich man and a poor man who are living in the same town- the rich dude has a bunch of sheep and cattle, but the poor dude only has a lamb. When a traveler comes to stay with the rich man, the rich man refuses to kill one of his own animals for meat and instead takes the poor dude's lamb and kills it instead (rude). This story pisses off David, who clearly sees the obvious injustice the rich man had committed, but Nathan then tells him that what the rich man did is the same as what David has done. Then Nathan guilt trips David about everything Yahweh has done for him, and that Yahweh will in return for this transgression punish David by having someone close to him bang HIS wives (in broad daylight, no less!). David expresses remorse for what he has done, but while Nathan tells him that he's not going to be killed by Yahweh, he's still going to experience the immediate death of his son that had just been born. Of course, David tries to change Yahweh's mind by fasting, praying, sleeping in a sackcloth on the floor, etc.
Yahweh DGAF however, and on the seventh day David's newborn son died. David seems to accept this, and begins living his life normally again, seeing that there was no point in continuing his suffering. Then he goes to Bathsheba and bangs her. Some time passes, and she gives birth to a son named Solomon (also called Jedidiah ("beloved by the Lord") by Yahweh).
Meanwhile, Joab continues to wage war against the Ammonites, calling on David to bring reinforcements. David does so and they capture the royal city of Rabbah, along with the Ammonite king. David then crowned himself with the gold crown of the Ammonite king (it weighed like 75 pounds and was studded with jewels) and enslaved the local population, making them work to rebuild the city (I guess?). Then David repeated this process with all of the Ammonite towns before returning with his army back to Jerusalem.
13- Over time, David's son Amnon fell in love with his half-sister (and virgin) Tamar (Absalom's (another son of David's) sister)...gross. He slowly went crazy due to his obsession with her. Anyway, so Amnon's cousin Jonadab (son of David's brother, Shimeah) is Amnon's adviser, and he becomes concerned about Amnon because he's looking so haggard lately. Amnon then tells him what's up. Jonadab's advice is for Amnon to go to his room and lay down, pretending to be sick. When David comes to check on him, Amnon is to tell him that he wants Tamar to come to his room and feed him. This works, and sure enough Tamar is in Amnon's room and is about to feed him some bread that she made for him when he grabs her. She tries to fight back, but she's unsuccessful and ends up getting raped :( For whatever reason, after he's done this Amnon suddenly hates Tamar and orders his servant to remove her from his quarters. So when this happens Tamar is obviously very upset and she tears at her garments (which are made specifically for virgins to wear) and pours ash on her head for some reason. Absalom then comes to her and tries to comfort her, and so she then goes and lives with him. Absalom really hates Amnon for what he did to Tamar.
Anyway, when David finds out about this, he's really pissed off.
Two years pass. Absalom then invites all of his brothers/half-brothers to come visit him at the city of Baal Hazor. Absalom asks if King David will be there, but David declines and Amnon is sent instead (wouldn't he just be coming anyway if all the other brothers were invited?). Absalom then tells his men to kill Amnon in the middle of the party when everyone is all drunk and shit. Anyway, so this goes down, and David receives word that all of his sons were killed by Absalom and so he gets really upset, but then he finds out that it was only Amnon that was killed, which I guess calms him down. He's still upset tho, as he mourns for many days.
As for Absalom, he's obviously fearing for his life so he flees to the kingdom of Geshur (where his and Tamar's mother, Maachah, is from) to take refuge with his grandfather, King Talmai.
14- So General Joab knew that King David was feeling for Absalom, so he sent for a wise woman that was living in the village of Tekoa. When she arrives, he tells her to pretend like she's a woman in mourning and to not wear any makeup and shit go to King David and tell him some convoluted story about how her husband is dead so she's the matriarch of the clan and that her two sons got in a fight and one of them was killed, and the clan of the son that died demanded that the living son then be put to death because of this. Anyway, she wants a pardon from King David so that her clan's reputation will be cleared, but David says just not to worry about it and that if anyone bugs them just let him know. However, the woman says that she's seriously worried about someone using the "avenger of blood" rule to seek vengeance upon her and her family, and wants King David to invoke the power of Yahweh to prevent her son from dying. King David does this, but the woman then says that it doesn't make sense why King David would say that it's OK for this son to get let off the hook when his own son (Absalom) is still out hiding somewhere out of fear for his own safety. She goes on to say that this also wouldn't make sense for Yahweh to approve of because "that is not what Yahweh desires; rather, he devises ways so that a banished person does not remain banished from him" (cool line!). Anyway, King David quickly realizes that this is all a ruse by Joab to get him (David) to let Absalom come back to Jerusalem without fear of being killed in revenge for his murder of Amnon. However, David isn't mad, and instead instructs Joab to go to Geshur and bring back Absalom. Still, for whatever reason David tells Joab to tell Absalom that he's not allowed to come to the palace and see him (David) when he returns to Jerusalem, he's got to find his own place. Anyway, so Absalom returns to Jerusalem. At this point we also find out that he's super handsome, and that his hair grows really fast (why is this important?).
Anyway, so Absalom lives in Jerusalem for 2 years without seeing his dad. He also starts a family- 3 sons, and a daughter (named Tamar, after his sister, who would grow up to be really hot). During this time, Absalom wants to send a message to his dad so he summons Joab, but Joab won't come see him. Out of frustration and presumably in order to get Joab's attention, Absalom has his servants set Joab's barley field (which was located right next to his own) on fire. Of course, THIS definitely gets his attention, so Joab goes to Absalom's house to see why Absalom did this. Absalom tells him it was because he wanted to get Joab's attention because he wanted to go with him to see the king, as he didn't see the point for why he was summoned from Geshur to Jerusalem (he was probably living the high life out in Geshur, being a foreigner from a royal family). He also says that if he's going to be put to death for his crime, then just to go ahead and get it over with. So Joab brings him to the court of King David, and Absalom kneels to his father, and David kisses him in return (I guess this is forgiveness).
15- Absalom eventually amasses enough power so that he has his own chariot and vanguard and shit. It's obvious that he's getting kind of full of himself because he starts hanging outside of the gates of Jerusalem and when people come from all over the land to issue a formal complaint or grievance to King David, Absalom stops them and tells them that there's no one in the city who will listen to them (implying that Kind David is too busy to listen to them or is somewhere else and unable to have an audience with them (or both)), but if he (Absalom) were in power he'd make sure that their problem would get solved. Also, when people would bow to him, he would kiss them in reply, which obviously really knocked everyone out and led him to have a huge following among the common folk.
Anyway, Absalom then tells his dad (after 4 or 40 years, it's unclear) that he has to make a pilgrimage to Hebron in order to worship Yahweh there, since this is a promise that he made to Yahweh while he was staying in Geshur. So David tells him to go ahead and make his pilgrimage. However, he then sends out secret messages to every tribal leader telling them that when they hear the sound of trumpets, they are to declare that he (Absalom) is the King of Hebron (and therefore I guess the true King of Israel? unclear). Then Absalom left with 200 followers (who didn't know what they were getting themselves into), including one of David's advisors, Ahithophel the Gilonite.
Eventually, David receives a message informing him that the people are rising up in revolt against him and flocking to his son, Absalom. Realizing he's in hot water, David decides to flee the city, taking with him his household (but leaving behind 10 of his concubines), the citizens of Jerusalem, the Kerethites and Pelethites (his elite guard maybe?), and 600 Gittite warriors (who had just recently marched with David back to Jerusalem during one of his conquests I guess). However, David then tells Ittai the Gittite (the Gittite leader I guess?) to turn back and stay in Jerusalem, as it was pointless to have them follow him around since he didn't know where he was going and they were newcomers anyway. However, Ittai shows his undying loyalty to David by saying that they'll go wherever he goes because he's their king. Anyway, as the king and his army pass through the land, all the common folk cry. Maybe Absalom wasn't so popular after all?
Anyway, I guess they brought the Ark of the Covenant with them too, because David tells Zadok and the Levites to take the ark back to the city, as it won't matter if it's with him or not because Yahweh has already decided David's fate anyway. He then tells Zadok that he's going to hang out in the wilderness until he receives some word from Zadok about the situation in Jerusalem.
Then David travels up the Mount of Olives (outside of Jerusalem) with his band, crying as they go. It's also revealed that David knew that his (former) advisor, Ahithophel, was a traitor and part of the conspiracy to overthrow him, as he (Ahithophel) was actually now serving as an adviser for Absalom. David prays to Yahweh by cursing Ahithophel so that he gives shitty advice.
When David gets to the top of the mountain he speaks with one of his counselors/confidants, Hushai the Arkite, telling him to go back to Absalom and pretend to be a traitor as well and join Absalom as an advisor so he (Hushai) can work behind the scenes and sabotage Ahithophel's plans and shit, and also to relay information to Zadok and Abiathar (or Ahimelek?) who will still be hanging out in the city, and they'll send messages to David via their sons. Hushai agrees to do this, and gets back into the city just as Absalom arrives to take over.
16- Anyway, King David then meets with Ziba (Mephibosheth's steward) who presents the king with donkeys loaded up with a bunch of food and stuff. David then asks Ziba where Mephibosheth is, and Ziba tells him that he's back in Jerusalem and that he (Mephibosheth) has turned his back on David and is now aiming to reclaim the throne for himself (as he's King Saul's grandson, after all). After Ziba tells David this, he's obviously pissed off so he rewards Ziba by telling him that all of Mephibosheth's possessions now belong to him (Ziba).
Anyway, as David travels to the town of Bahurim (East of Jerusalem) a dude named Shimei (a member of the same family as "the house of Saul") appears out of nowhere and curses David while throwing rocks at him and his men, telling him that he (David) is in this position because of all the violence and bloodshed he inflicted upon King Saul and his family by usurping the throne. He also says that Absalom is now king because Yahweh is so severely displeased with David's behavior. Shimei's words really piss off Abishai (another son of General Zeruiah) who asks the king for permission to decapitate Shimei. However, David tells Abishai that he doesn't need to defend him (David) because Yahweh has forsaken him, so technically Shimei is right in his condemnation. He then tells everyone that he hopes Yahweh will forgive him. So, David and his crew continue on their way, the whole time with Shimei throwing rocks at them and cursing them and shit. Eventually they arrive at their destination.
Meanwhile, back in Jerusalem, Absalom arrives with his crew, including the traitor Ahithophel who was serving as adviser to Absalom. Eventually, Hushai shows up to troll Ahithopel and Absalom. Absalom is confused as to why Hushai has turned his back on King David, and Hushai explains that he wants to serve Absalom because it's obvious that Yahweh has chosen Absalom to rule instead of David, and that Absalom is David's son and the heir to the throne anyway. It seems this answer is good enough for Absalom, so he asks Hushai what to do next. Hushai masterfully trolls Absalom by telling him that it would be an excellent idea to bang all of his dad's concubines whom he (David) had left in the palace. That way, the people will know that he (Absalom) is for real in his opposition to his father. Thinking this sounds like a great idea (of course he does), Absalom has a tent set up on the roof of the palace and then he bangs all of his dad's concubines in front of the entire city (thus fulfilling Yahweh's plan of making a cuck out of David (see 2 Samuel 12) After this, Absalom follows David's behavior of listening to advice from Ahithophel as if it was coming straight from Yahweh himself.
17- Ahithopel tries to convince Absalom to let him have 12,000 men to go after King David. However, before giving Ahithopel the go ahead, Absalom wants to consult with Hushai first to see what he thinks. Hushai trolls by saying that it would be unwise to attack the fugitive king and his men with such a small army (as Ahithopel proposed) because David is so cunning and has nothing to lose at this point, so if there's a battle it's likely that David and his warriors will fight so fiercely that Ahithopel's army will panic and flee. Instead, Hushai suggests that Absalom raise a HUGE army (one from every town in the kingdom) and lead the forces himself into battle. Although Ahithopel has the better plan, Yahweh ensures that Absalom chooses to follow Hushai's troll advice because he wants Absalom to fail. It looks like Yahweh has David's back after all!
Hushai then tells Zadok and Abiathar to get the message to David that he needs to flee into the wilderness immediately because Absalom was raising a huge army. So, Zadok and Abiathar sent the message to their sons Jonathan and Ahimaaz (who were staying outside of Jerusalem at a town called En-rogel) via one of their servant girls. However, a kid spotted Jonathan and Ahimaaz meeting with the servant girl, so he told Absalom about this. Somehow Jonathan and Ahimaaz found out that Absalom had found about about them, so they fled En-rogel to the town of Bahurim, where they hid in a well in some dude's courtyard. When Absalom's men came around looking for them, the dude's wife told the soldiers that they had seen Jonathan and Ahimaaz fleeing to somewhere else so the soldiers left to go look for them. When the coast was finally clear, the boys finally managed to meet up with King David and told him everything. Because of this, David fled across the Jordan River with his warriors.
Meanwhile back in Jerusalem, Ahithopel was so butthurt about his advice not being followed by Absalom that he went back to his hometown and killed himself :(
Anyway, so David then arrived in in the town of Mahanaim, with Absalom's huge army following close behind him. It's also mentioned that Joab was no longer general of the army, and that Absalom had appointed Joab's cousin, Amasa, instead. At Mahanaim, David is greeted by Prince Shobi (brother of King Hanun of Ammon), and two dudes named Makir (a descendant of Joseph) and some dude named Barzillai, and they give him and his men a bunch of supplies and then tell them to rest.
18- So King David then organizes his forces and sends them out in 3 groups (led by Joab, Abishai, and Ittai (some dude from Gath). David then says that he's going to come out and fight too, but his men tell him not to since it's not worth it and he should just stay at Mahanaim. So David agrees to stay, but he tells his commanders to go easy on Absalom if/when he's captured.
So, the forces of Absalom and David clash at the Battle of the Wood of Ephraim. By the time the battle ended, 20,000 men warriors had died. I guess also fighting in the woods was really difficult, and even Absalom got his hair caught in the branches of one of the trees as he tried to flee the battle on his horse. He actually ends up just dangling from the tree while his donkey rode off (haha). One of David's warriors sees this, and reports to Joab about it. Joab chastises this dude for not slaying Absalom when he saw him. The warrior protests by saying that King David had told everyone to go easy on Absalom, but Joab, giving zero fucks, takes three daggers and stabs Absalom with each of them, and then ten of Joab's armor bearers surrounded Absalom and killed him. Then they threw Absalom's body into a pit and buried him with rocks before going home. At this point in the story we also learn that Absalom somehow knew that he wouldn't have any children, so because of this (for whatever reason) he built a monument to himself in the "King's Valley" (the Kidron Valley in Jerusalem, and it's actually still standing! However, most experts now agree that this "Tomb of Absalom" isn't actually the real one).
Anyway, so after all of this Ahimaaz wants to tell King David the news about Absalom, but Joab tells him no, instead telling some dude from Kush (modern-day Ethiopia) to go tell David the news instead. Undeterred, Ahimaaz continues to beg Joab to let him go tell David the news, so Joab finally relents and lets him go. Ahimaaz then takes a shortcut to Jerusalem, arriving slightly ahead of the Kushite dude. The town guards at Jerusalem then see Ahimaaz running towards the town, so they know that he has news of the battle, but then they see the Kushite dude running towards the town as well. Then David learns about what happened at the battle and to Absalom from both Ahimaaz and the Kushite dude and starts crying, wishing that he had died instead of his son.
19- Joab finds out that King David had found out about what happened to Absalom, so the celebration over the victory soon turned to mourning to follow the mood of the king. Joab then goes and tries to guilt David into not being emo and to give some victory speech, so David acquiesces and then goes outside to give the speech to the people.
Meanwhile, the rebel Israelites who supported Absalom went back home and began arguing with everyone about the state of things.
Now the scene jumps back to King David again, who sends Zadok and Abiathar to go ask the elders of Judah why they have taken so long to welcome him back to the throne. He then named Amasa (his nephew) as the new commander of the army.
David then returns to Jerusalem, and there is much rejoicing along the way. Oh also Shimei (the dude that threw rocks at David and his men) then appeared to ask forgiveness from the king, and while Abishai said that he should be executed, David decided to spare his life and forgive him.
Then Jonathan's son Mephibosheth (AKA Merib-baal) shows up and looks really disheveled. David asks him why he didn't come with him when he left Jerusalem. Mephibosheth answers that he was deceived by his servant, Ziba, who didn't saddle his horse for him (Mephibosheth, as you remember, is crippled) and instead spread the rumor that Mephibosheth didn't actually want to come. David understands Mephibosheth's situation, but then tells him to divide his land between himself (Mephibosheth) and Ziba for some reason. Mephibosheth then sucks up to David by telling him that he doesn't care if Ziba takes even all of the land just because he (Mephibosheth) is so happy that David is back home and king again. David also invited old rich dude Barzillai from Mahanaim to come live in Jerusalem, where presumably he would be handsomely rewarded by the king for his loyalty. However, Barzillai declines because he says he too old and would just be a burden to the king. However, he gives David his personal servant Kimham. David accepts Kimham into his services and then continues towards Jerusalem.
However, on the way non-Judahites start getting angry because they feel like Judahites hogged all the honor and glory of helping David back to Jerusalem. The Judahites respond by saying that the king is a Judahite himself and that they haven't taken advantage of their special privilege of helping him. So they just continue arguing with each other and getting angrier and angrier.
20- Because of all this drama, it was probably inevitable that a rebellion against King David would occur. A dude named Sheba (a member of the Bicrite clan) led the revolt and called for the downfall of David and his house as rulers of the kingdom. So now Israel was divided between the Judahites (pro-David) and the non-Judahites (anti-David).
Anyway, so David's now back in Jerusalem, and the first thing he does is take the 10 concubines that had been banging Absalom and put them "in seclusion" where they were taken care of but lived like nuns until they died. Then he tells Amasa to mobilize the troops and sends Abishai with some men to try and go quickly take out Sheba before he can get too powerful and fortify himself somewhere.
So, Abishai and Joab then take David's guards (the Kerethites and Pelethites) and go to the city of Gibeon where they meet up with Amasa. However, Joab betrays Amasa and kills him with a dagger, presumably because he was jealous of his cousin replacing him as general of the Israelite army. Then Joab and Abishai continue on their way with their warriors (!). Then once Amasa's body is disposed of, all of Amasa's men decide to join up with Joab and Abishai (weird).
Meanwhile, Sheba eventually ends up fortifying himself and his forces in the town of Abel-beth-maacah. When Joab and his forces arrive, they begin attacking the city. During the siege, an old woman (the "Wise Woman of Abel") from the town approaches Joab and asks him why he's attacking the city, as it was loyal to the king. Joab tells her that they actually don't want to destroy the town, they just want to kill Sheba. So, the wise woman tells him to chill out, and then she goes back into the town and convinces the townsfolk to kill Sheba for Joab. So, they capture Sheba and decapitate him, and then they throw his head over the walls to Joab and his army (whoa). So, with the mission accomplished, Joab and his men returned to Jerusalem.
At this time Joab is now the commander of the army of Israel (since he was next in command since Amasa had been murdered); Benaiah is captain of David's bodyguards; Adoniram is in charge of managing the slaves; Jehoshaphat is the royal chronicler; Sheva is the court secretary; Zadok and Abiathar are the high priests; and a dude named Ira (a descendant of the judge Jair) was his chief priest/administrator or something.
21- Anyway, so now there's a famine in Israel. David just can't catch a break! He asks Yahweh why there's a famine, and Yahweh tells him it's because of Saul and his family murdering the Gibeonites (unclear as to when this actually happened, not mentioned in the Biblical record). We also find out that although the Gibeonites (who were all that was left of the Amorites) were not part of Israel, the Israelites had promised not to kill them, but Saul had gone crazy and tried to annihilate them anyway. So, King David summons the Gibeonites to his court to try and smooth things over with them since they had cursed his kingdom. They reply by saying that because King Saul had tried to destroy them, it would only make sense for seven of Saul's kin to be handed over to them for execution. David surprisingly agrees to this, so he hands over to them Saul's sons Armoni and Mephibosheth and five of his grandsons (sons of Saul's daughter, Rizpah), and they were indeed executed by the Gibeonites (in a possible sacrifice to Yahweh?).
Rizpah is so upset about her sons being killed that she hangs out around their bodies and tries to keep the scavenger birds from eating them. When David learns about this, he sends men to collect their bodies/bones and has the bones of Saul and Jonathan from the town of Jabesh-gilead (the citizens of Jabesh-gilead) had taken their bones after the Philistines had hung them in the square at Beth-shan). Then David had the bones buried at the Tomb of Kish (tomb of Saul's dad), and I guess this satisfied Yahweh so he (Yahweh) decided to stop the famine.
Of course, the drama doesn't stop because once again Israel is at war with the Philistines again! During one of the battles, King David gets really tired while fighting this huge dude named Ishbi-benob, who was a descendant of the giants. Luckily, Abishai saves David by killing Ishbi-benob. After this, the Israelites tell Abishai not to go out and fight again because "why risk snuffing out the light of Israel?"
Then at another battle, the Israelite Sibbecai killed another giant descendant named Saph.
Then at another battle, Elhanan kills Goliath's brother (although the Hebrew text apparently doesn't say brother, so this is confusing as to what actually happened here).
Then at another battle, the Israelites fight another descendant of the giants who has six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot, but he's killed by David's nephew Jonathan. Then we find out that all four of these Philistine giants were all from Gath (or at least descended from Gathites).
22- David sings a song about how great Yahweh is and how Yahweh has saved him and his kingdom and destroyed their enemies. He also sings about how he has never "abandoned (Yahweh's) decrees" (not true at all!). He also sings about how he has destroyed all of his enemies and blah blah.
23- David must be pretty near death, because we learn that his last words are a long spiel about how Yahweh speaks through him and how Yahweh has chosen his family to be the ruling dynasty of Israel. He also says how it's important to destroy the "godless" (presumably non-Yahweh worshipers).
We also learn about David's three mightiest warriors ("The Three"):
1. Jashobeam the Hacmonite- killed 800 enemies with a single spear!
2. Eleazar son of Dodai, a descendant of Ahoah- during a battle he stayed and fought with David while the rest of the army fled, and Yahweh thus rewarded the Israelites with a great victory because of their (his?) courage.
3. Shammah son of Agee from Harar- same thing as Eleazar pretty much.
These three warriors were actually members of a group of 30 of David's most elite warriors. We also learn about how one time David was thirsty while he was in the Cave of Adullam (see 1 Samuel 22:1)
so these three warriors sneaked into the nearby Philistine encampment and stole some water from a well to bring back to their king, but when they brought it back David sacrificed the water to Yahweh or something because he felt that the water was worth the same as the warriors' blood since they had risked their lives just to get him some water.
Leading these 30 elite warriors was Abishai (he was as famous as The Three), who killed 300 warriors one time with a single spear (not as good as Jashobeam tho!). The captain of the 30 was Benaiah (son of Jehoiada) of Kabzeel, who killed two Moabite champions and some other badass shit.
We also learn the names and some additional details about these 30 elite warriors:
1. Asahel (Joab’s brother);
2. Elhanan (son of Dodo (haha)) of Bethlehem
3. Shammah of Harod
4. Elika of Harod
5. Helez of Pelon (AKA Palti)
6. Ira (son of Ikkesh) of Tekoa
7. Abiezer of Anathoth
8. Sibbecai (Mebunnai) of Hushah
9. Zalmon of Ahoah
10. Maharai of Netophah
11. Heled (AKA Heleb) (son of Baanah) of Netophah
12. Ithai (Ittai) (son of Ribai) of Gibeah (in the land of Benjamin)
13. Benaiah of Pirathon
14. Hurai (Hiddai) of Nahale-gaash ("the Ravines of Gaash")
15. Abi-albon of Arabah
16. Azmaveth of Bahurim
17. Eliahba of Shaalbon;
18. Jonathan (son of Shagee) of Harar
19. Ahiam (son of Sharar) from Harar
20. Eliphelet (son of Ahasbai) of Maacah
21. Eliam (son of Ahithophel) of Giloh
22. Hezro of Carmel
23. Paarai of Arba
24. Igal (son of Nathan) of Zobah
25. Bani of Gad
26. Zelek of Ammon
27. Naharai of Beeroth (the armor bearer of Joab son of Zeruiah)
28. Ira of Jattir
29. Gareb of Jattir
30. Uriah the Hittite.
It also says in total there were 37, but this is unclear as to how they counted this or who exactly was considered a member or why they're called "30" or whatever.
24- Yahweh is really angry again for some reason, so he causes King David to "harm" his people by ordering a census to be conducted (?). However, Joab questions David as to why he has ordered the census. So, Joab and the leaders of the army go out and travel throughout the land counting the people. It took them almost 10 months, but upon returning they reported that they had counted about 800,000 potential soldiers (not including Judah) and 1,300,000 (including Judah).
Anyway, David is bothered by his actions of ordering the census (why?), believing that he has committed a great sin, so he prays to Yahweh for forgiveness. Yahweh then tells the prophet Gad to tell the king that he has three choices of punishment, and whichever he chooses Yahweh will inflict upon him (David): three years of famine; three months of losing battles and fleeing from enemies; or three days of severe plague. It's unclear as to if David actually makes a decision or not, but it seems as if he says that he'd rather be attacked by Yahweh (since he's "merciful") than by humans (who are ruthless I guess?), so anyway later in the morning Yahweh causes an outbreak of a plague to occur in the kingdom and 70,000 people die (fuck!). However, Yahweh decides enough is enough and stops the Angel of Death (possibly AKA Angel of the Lord; "Mashḥit" / "Malakh") from destroying Jerusalem (who was currently walking around the threshing floor of Araunah the Jebusite for some reason). David is also at Araunah's threshing floor for some reason, so when he sees the Angel of Death he asks why Yahweh is punishing and killing all of these people and not him since he's the king and the one who has sinned (good question). In response to this, Yahweh tells David to build an altar to him (Yahweh) on the threshing floor. So, David then tells Araunah that he's going to buy his threshing floor in order to build an altar to Yahweh there to stop the plague, so Araunah agrees to sell it to his king and even throws in oxen and wood for the sacrifice. So, David builds the altar and conducts the proper rituals and sacrifices, and as a result Yahweh stops the plague.
