1- There's a famine in the land! So, a dude takes his wife and two sons from Bethlehem to the land of the Moabites. His name was Elimelek, his wife's name was Naomi, and his two sons were named Mahlon and Kilion. However, Elimelek soon died. The two sons then married Moabites, one named Orpah and the other named Ruth. After about 10 years, Mahlon and Kilion died, too.
However, news soon spread that Yahweh had given mercy to the cult by providing them with food again, so Naomi planned on going back to the Promised Land. However, she told Orpah and Ruth to go back to their own families an remarry. Orpah is down, but Ruth refuses, wanting to stick with Naomi and join the cult in the Promised Land.
So, Naomi returned to Bethlehem with Ruth. The whole town is happy to see Naomi return, but Naomi herself is really emo and insists that everyone call her "Mara" ("Bitter") and not Naomi "("Pleasant") because Yahweh has caused her life to be all fucked up.
2- Anyway, Ruth goes to the barley fields during the harvest to glean some leftover crops, and she ends up meeting the owner of the field, a dude named Boaz (a relative of Elimelek). Boaz is super nice to her and lets her stay and glean in the field as a token of how impressed he was that Ruth, a Moabite foreigner, has decided to stick with Naomi. He blesses her in the name of Yahweh. Later on, he even invites her to have some bread and wine vinegar, and tells his men to help her when they're harvesting in order to make it easier for her to glean. So Ruth then continued to glean, and then she returned hom in the evening, and then told Naomi about what happened. Naomi is happy and blesses Boaz and tells Ruth to continue working for him. So Ruth continues to glean in Boaz's field until the harvest is finished, and continues to live with Naomi.
3- It seems like Naomi is either getting sick of living with Ruth, or feels like Ruth deserves to find love, because Naomi wants Ruth to finder her own place. So, Naomi suggests that Ruth seduce Boaz, which is technically lawful in the eyes of Yahweh since Boaz is a relative of Elimelek. After he's finished working the field, the plan is for Ruth to wait until he finishes his dinner and gets drunk, and then she's to go to his bed and fuck him (or "uncover his feet", whatever that means).
So Ruth goes and does as Naomi instructs. Boaz then wakes up and notices that Ruth is lying there at his feet. He then blesses her, but informs her that actually there's another dude in town who is a closer relative of Elimelek's, and thus more appropriate to marry her, but if this guy doesn't want to then Boaz will. So, the next morning, Ruth quickly leaves the threshing floor where Boaz and his workers are sleeping, taking some barley with her that had been given to her by Boaz.
Later, Ruth tells Naomi everything that happened, and Naomi tells her to wait and see how the situation will play out.
4- Meanwhile, Boaz then meets the other relative of Elimelek that he had told Ruth about, along with 10 elders. He then tells them that Naomi is selling some land, and that the relative should buy it because he's the closest relative of Elimelek. The relative is down, but when he learns that he will also then "get" Ruth along with the land as part of the deal, the relative changes his mind because he didn't want to jeopardize the inheritance of his own estate (kind of confusing as to why this is, but whatever). So, Boaz decides to buy the property, and thus he also "gets" Ruth as a part of the land. The elders then give their blessings to Boaz.
So, Boaz then marries Ruth and when they have sex, Yahweh makes it so that Ruth gets pregnant, and then she gives birth to a son named Obed (grandfather of King David). Naomi is also Obed's wet nurse (even though she's pretty old at this point, which is weird).
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Monday, January 9, 2017
JUDGES
1- Joshua is dead, so the cult asks Yahweh how they should take on the remaining Canaanite opposition. Yahweh tells them to send forth the tribe of Judah, who will do all the mopping up of the enemies. The tribe of Judah also apparently goes against Yahweh's instructions and brings the Simeonites with them to attack. Soon, the tribes of Simeon and Judah are slaughtering the Canaanites and Perizzites, with 10,000 being the number of enemies slain with the help of Yahweh at the city of Bezek. Then they captured the king of the city, Adoni-Bezek, and cut off his thumbs and big toes (to make him unable to fight?). Adoni-Bezek believes that this is poetic justice since he did the same to 70 other enemy kings and chiefs that he conquered and enslaved as his own personal servants. Anyway, then the the tribe of Judah invades Jerusalem, conquers it, and slaughters everyone inside, burning it to the ground. Then they attack the remaining Canaanites in the Hill Country, the Negev (a desert in southern Israel), and the Western Foothills. Then they slaughter their foes in Hebron, including the clans of Sheshai, Ahiman, and Talmai. Then they go and slaughter the people of Debir, since Caleb promised his daughter to the man who would conquer the city. Othniel, Caleb's nephew, took the city, so Caleb gave him his daughter, Aksah (also Othniel's first cousin!). Then the tribes of Judah and Simeon attacked the Canaanites living in Zephath, completely demolishing the city and renaming it "Hormah" ("Destruction"). Then they conquered the cities of Gaza, Ashkelon, and Ekron.
However, they were unable to conquer the people of the Plains, since they had iron chariots (?).
Anyway, the Josephites then attack Bethel. The story goes that the Josephites sent spies to Bethel and encountered a dude there who showed them how to get into the city in exchange for the safety of his family (similar to what went down at Jericho). After the city fell, the dude went to the land of the Hittites and founded a new city called Luz (named after Bethel's original name).
It's important to note that the cult didn't kill EVERYONE. They enslaved the Canaanites living in Beth Shan, Taanach, Dor, Ibleam, and Megiddo since the Canaanites "were determined to live there". So Yahweh didn't exactly uphold his end of the covenant, especially since they didn't conquer the chariot people, either! There were a bunch of other places they where the cult didn't commit mass genocide, and just enslaved the people living at these places instead.
2- So then an angel of Yahweh went to the village of Bochim and told the Israelites there that Yahweh was really pissed off because I guess the cult failed to annihilate every single human being that inhabited the Promised Land prior to their arrival, and also they might not have destroyed every single one of their altars to their own pagan gods. Then the angel says that to teach the cult a lesson by NOT helping with the annihilation of the remaining people, and that it's too late to make amends with Yahweh. So everyone freaks out and cries, and that's how Bochim ("Weeping") got its name. So, the cult tries to improve the situation by making some sacrifices to Yahweh.
Anyway, some time passes and the next generation of cultists begins to fuck around and not follow the strict rules of the Covenant, and also they start to follow different religions of the locals (such as worshiping Baal and/or Ashtoreth (Astarte, the Canaanite version of Ishtar). Of course, this royally pisses off Yahweh, so he allowed for some raiders to plunder some parts of the Promised Land, as well as allowing some members to be captured and enslaved. Also, whenever, the cult goes out to battle, Yahweh fights AGAINST them because he's so angry.
However, Yahweh then appointed some judges who were to serve as spiritual leaders of the cult, but this didn't really work and they were ignored by some of the more disobedient cult members. These judges did their best to try and steer the people back to the path of Yahweh and save them from raiders and slavers, and while this did have some positive effects, after a judge died the people under their guidance would end up just being worse sinners. It was a vicious cycle.
So, Yahweh finally gets fed up and says that he's not going to help the cult anymore as far as purging the remaining non-cult people of the Promised Land.
3- We learn that the only reason Yahweh allowed some of Canaanites to survive was so that Yahweh could use them as target practice for Israelites who had not yet experienced war. Remaining were the Philistines (5 kings), some Canaanites, Sidonians, and Hivites, who still inhabited the mountains of Lebanon. So, living among the Israelites still were Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites. Some Israelites intermarried with these people and began to worship pagan gods of the region (uh-oh!!!). This resulted in at least some of the Promised Land being conquered and enslaved by Chushan-Rishathaim, the king of Arak-Naharim (northwest Mesopotamia) for 8 years. The Israelite slaves in these conquered areas cried out for Yahweh to save them, and so Yahweh sent Othniel, Caleb's nephew and husband of Aksah, to go and liberate them. Othniel was then granted by Yahweh the title of "judge" (or "leader") of the cult (the First Judge of the Israelites), and Othniel crushed Cushan-Rishathaim's armies with Yahweh's might. After this, the Promised Land was a peaceful place until Othniel died.
Of course, after Othniel died, the cultists started acting like idiots (again), so to teach them a lesson (again), Yahweh allowed for Eglon, the morbidly-obese king of Moab, to invade the Promised Land. Eglon was joined by allied armies from the Ammonites and the Amalekites, and he ruled over his conquered lands for 18 years.
So, the whole cycle repeats, and Yahweh sends in Ehud (the Second Judge of the Israelites), a left-handed dude of the tribe of Benjamin. Ehud pretended to seek an audience with Eglon to give him tribute, but he secretly had a dagger hidden under his clothes. Ehud ended up killing Eglon by stabbing him in the belly, but Eglon was so fat that his belly just completely absorbed the dagger and, although he did indeed die, he shit his pants as he did so. Ehud then leaves and locks the doors, which makes the servants think that Eglon is taking a shit before they figure out that actually, he had been killed. So, Ehud then escapes to the town of Seraiah in Ephraim, rallies the cult, and then they attack a Moabite army of 10,000, slaying them all and conquering Moab. After this, there is peace for 80 years.
Then there is an Israelite dude named Shamgar (the Third Judge of the Israelites) who kills 600 Philistines with a cattle prod.
4- The cycle repeats, except this time the Israelites are enslaved by Jabin, the king of Canaan (based out of Hazor). The commander of his army was Sisera. Jabin had 900 iron chariots, and brutally ruled over the cult for 20 years. So, the judge this time selected by Yahweh was Deborah (a chick!). Her husband was a dude named Lappidoth. Her court was under a palm tree, between Ramah and Bethel, in the Hill Country of Ephraim. She appointed a dude named Barak, by decree of Yahweh, to lead an army of 10,000 warriors to Mount Tabor, where nearby Deborah planned to lead Sisera and his army. Barak agrees, but only if Deborah goes with him. Anyway, it all works according to plan- Sisera's army is crushed, and Sisera flees. Sisera finally arrives at the tent of Jael, wife of Heber the Kenite, who was an ally of Jabin. Sisera believed that he would be safe here. However, as Sisera was sleeping, Jael drove a tent peg through his skull with a hammer! Then Barak comes by and Jael shows him her dirty work. Then the Israelites crush Jabin's armies.
5- The Song of Deborah: Deborah and Barak sing a song, recapping recent events. Then the Promisd Land is peaceful for 40 years!
6- The cycle repeats. This time it's the Midianites (I thought they were all killed?) who invade and rule for 7 years. The Midianites were so harsh that many of the Israelites fled to the mountains to hide, and those who stayed saw their crops and livestock destroyed, so they starved. The Amalekites and other eastern tribes invaded too. It seems like they raided not for plunder, but just to cause chaos and destruction.
Anyway, first Yahweh sends a prophet to the enslaved Israelites to remind them of why they're in this predicament in the first place. Then an angel goes to a tree in Ophrah where a dude named Gideon was threshing some wheat. The angel then tells Gideon that Yahweh has chosen him to be a mighty warrior, and that he is to liberate the Israelites from slavery. However, Gideon doesn't understand because he's too young, and his clan is weak. Gideon is assured that Yahweh is with him, but Gideon wants proof. So, Gideon then goes and makes some food for the angel, and when he gives it to him, the angel sets it on fire and disappears! Gideon then realizes that he had truly been talking to an angel!
7- So Gideon then builds an altar to Yahweh and names it "Yahweh is Peace" (ha). Later that night, Yahweh tells Gideon to take the second bull from his dad's herd, then tear down his dad's altar to Baal and the Asherah poll, and use the wood of the poll to then build an altar to Yahweh and sacrifice the bull there. So, the next morning, the villagers wake up to find what Gideon had done. Soon they find out that Gideon was responsible, so they tell his dad, Joash, that Gideon is to be executed. Joash fires back by saying that if Baal is such a powerful god, he should be able to properly defend himself when someone commits such a sacrilege against him. Also, Gideon earns the new nickname "Jerub-Baal" ("Let Baal Contend").
Anyway, then the Midianites, Amalekites, and others from the east crossed over the Jordan River and set up camp in the Valley of Jezreel. So, with the power of Yahweh, Gideon blows a trump and summons the Abiezrites (descendants of Abiezer, son of Gilead) and some other tribes to join him in the fight to drive off the invaders.
Gideon is still skeptical of Yahweh's power, however. So he tells Yahweh that he will truly believe Yahweh if he puts a wool fleece on the threshing floor, and if there is dew on the fleece despite the dry ground (weird test), then he'll know Yahweh is legit. So, Gideon does this, and the next morning he finds that indeed the fleece is wet with dew or whatever. However, Gideon is STILL skeptical! So Yahweh tells him to do the reverse. The next day, Gideon finds that the fleece is dry, but the ground is wet. Boom!
7- Anyway, Gideon is apparently convinced of Yahweh's power, so he gathers a huge army and attacks the Midianites, but apparently this army is TOO big for Yahweh, and he doesn't like this because he feels that it will take the spotlight away from him and onto Gideon instead. Yahweh feels like the army is powerful enough to win on its own, so Yahweh tells Gideon to send home anyone in the army who's scared. So, 22,000 men leave, but 10,000 remain. Yahweh still thinks this is too many people, so he tells Gideon to lead the men to some water nearby. Yahweh then decides that the soldiers who cup their hands and lap at the water like dogs are the ones who are to stay and fight (for whatever reason), so the 300 that do this (out of the 10,000) are allowed to stay, and other other 7,700 leave.
That night Yahweh tells Gideon to attack the Midanites, but if he's too scared then he should just go and spy, but just be sure to bring his slave with him. So, Gideon and his slave Purah go together to the big-ass Midianite camp, and Gideon overhears a dude talking about how he had a dream that a loaf of bread went tumbling into the Midianite camp and destroyed a tent or something. Gideon realizes that this is a sign, so he returned to camp and woke up his army. He then divided them into 3 sections and gave them all trumpets and empty jars with torches inside them or something. Then he takes 100 men and they go to the Midianite camp and attacked, breaking their jars and blowing their trumpets. There was chaos then in the Midianite camp, and then Yahweh used his divine magic to cause the Midianites to attack each other. The Midianites fled, and then Gideon was joined by other Israelite tribes to help him attack. Gideon then sent messengers to travel throughout Ephraim, encouraging the people to join him in the fight against the Midianites and seize control of the Jordan River to block the Midianites from escaping. The Ephraim people did so, and also captured 2 Midianite leaders- Oreb and Zeeb. Then they executed them and brought their heads to Gideon.
8- So, after the battle I guess the the Ephraimites were mad at Gideon for calling on them so late in the game and not seeking their help initially. Gideon deflects these attacks by saying that it was essentially all a part of Yahweh's plan. Anyway, Gideon then led his 300 (no one died?) soldiers across the Jordan River to pursue the Middianites, who were led by 2 kings- Zebah and Zalmunna. Also, at the same time, he asked the princes of Sukkoth, a nearby city, for bread to help feed his troops, but they turned him down since they didn't see any reason to help the cult since they were obviously the clear victors in this fight. This pisses off Gideon, and he tells them he's going to fuck them up when he returns. The city of Piniel does the same thing, Gideon makes the same threat to them. Anyway, the Midianites then holed up in the city of Karkor, with a force of 15,000 (they already lost 120,000!). Gideon then attacks and crushes the city and captures the kings.
On their way back, Gideon captured a dude from Sukkoth who writes down the name of the 77 elder officials of his city. Gideon then storms Sukkoth and punishes the elders "with desert thorns and briers" (whatever that means). Then Gideon and his army wetn to Peniel, destroyed its tower, and slaughtered everyone in the town!
Gideon then instructs his son, Jether, to kill the captive Midianite kings, but Jether is too scared. So Gideon does it himself and executes them. After all this, the cult wants to name Gideon as their new leader, but Gideon resists, saying that the isn't their leader- Yahweh is! Gideon does request, however, that he receive an earring from everyone (?). He then takes all of the gold from the earrings and makes an ephod out of them, and then he puts this ephod on display in the town of Ophrah. However, this kind of backfired on Gideon because the cult starts to venerate and worship the ephod as an idol... uh-oh! After the battle with the Midianites, Midian didn't cause any more trouble and there was peace for 40 years. During this time though, Gideon had 70 sons!! He had a bunch of wives, plus he also had a concubine who bore him a son named Abimelek.
Anyway, Gideon then dies and is buried at Ophrah. However, without Gideon's inspiration, the cult began to stray from Yahweh and worship the god Ba'al Berith. They also stopped treating Gideon's family with respect! Assholes!
9- Now that Gideon had died, Abimelek decided that he wanted to take over as the cult's unofficial leader, so he gained the support of the villagers of Shechem and got them to give him some money that had belonged to the temple of Ba'al Berith, and Abimelek used this money to hire a gang of thugs. He then got his gang together and they went to the family home in Ophrah and murdered 69 of his half-brothers so that none would oppose him, but the last half-brother, Jotham, the youngest of the 70, got away. Anyway, after this, all the citizens of Shechem gathered at an oak tree or something in the village to proclaim Abimelech the leader of the cult. However, Jotham heard about this and decided to intervene during the gathering. He climbed up on top of the Mount Gerizim and shouted at the villagers, telling them a story about talking trees, which is a parable for all the trees have something good to offer, but only a shitty thorn bush would want to rule over the others. Then Jotham scolds the villagers for appointing Abimelek as their leader, since he's obviously just a thug, murderer, and only got appointed his position because his father was Gideon and his mom was a sex slave (who was related to some of the townsfolk?). He also warns them that they better make him happy, or else they'll experience his wrath and end up in a civil war. Then Jotham flees to the city of Beer (haha) where he stays in hiding. Apparently though, Abimelek must have been a decent leader, because nothing happened for 3 years until Yahweh decided that it was time for Gideon's sons to be avenged, and created animosity (sigh...) between Abimelek and the villagers of Shechem. The villagers began to act as highway bandits, robbing people on the road near Shechem, which must have pissed off Abimelek.
Anyway, later on a dude named Gaal shows up with his clan in Shechem, and and roused the people against Abimelek while they were celebrating a (wine?) festival at a temple of Ba'al Berith. Obviously, Abimelek heard about this, and his political adviser (and governor of Shechem), Zebul, advised the king to send his army at night to hide outside of Shechem and ambush the city. Anyway, Abimelek and Zebul then crush the rebellion and drive out Gaal and his clan. Abimelek then destroyed Shechem and salt the grounds. Nearby in a tower where a bunch of Shechem's citizens had holed up, they decided to flee to the temple stronghold of El Berith (either the same god as Ba'al Berith or a different god, it's unclear). So Abimelek then goes and sets fire to the temple stronghold, killing all 1000 people trapped inside. Then Abimelek went to the nearby city of Thebez and conquers it (??), except for some of the citizens inside of its tower. As Abimelek's army lays siege to the tower, a woman drops a stone on his head, which severely wounds him. Abimelek then calls his armor-bearer to come over and kill him with a sword so that the people wouldn't say he was killed by a woman (haha). When Abimelek dies, his army then just goes back to their homes. The curse that Jotham had laid up opon Abimelek and the people of Shechem had finally passed.
10- A dude named Tola from Issarchar (but now living in Shamir in Ephraim) was the next hero of the cult, leading for 23 years. He was followed by Jair of Gilead, who led for 22 years (and had 30 sons!).
After this period, obviously the Israelites began to fuck around and worship a multitude of different gods and shit, so Yahweh got pissed off and had them be conquered and enslaved by both the Philistines and the Ammonites. These slavers occupied Gilead for 18 years, and eventually the Ammonites crossed the Jordan River and invaded other parts of the Promised Land. So it's the same story again- the Israelites cry out for Yahweh, he scolds them, they forsake the other gods they were worshiping, Yahweh feels sorry for them, and then he sends them a messiah.
11- The messiah this time is Jephthah of Gilead, the son of a mighty warrior (also named Gilead) and a prostitute. Jephthah was run off by his other half-brothers (who were "legitimate" children) and didn't want to share their inheritance with a bastard. So Jephthah ended up a drifter in the land of Tob, where he became the leader of a band of thugs. Eventually, he must have acquired some renown, as the elders of his family sent for him to fight on their behalf against the Ammonites, who were still occupying Gilead. Jephthah is skeptical since they were shitty to him earlier, but they promise him that he'll be their leader when they are free. So Jephthah finally agrees to help, but once he returns with the elders of the family he sends a message to the Ammonite king basically asking him why the fuck he's in the Promised Land in the first place. The king replies back by saying that the cult took over the Ammonite land when they were returning from Egypt. Jephthah shoots back a long message that summarizes basically the entire Book of Numbers, and how the cult kept on being denied access to pass through the various kingdoms. They say that the lands that were taken over were given to them by Yahweh, so why have the Ammonites randomly taken over a part of land that actually didn't belong to them originally. So since Yahweh has given them the Promised Land, why don't the Ammonites just be happy with the land given to them by their god, Chemosh (Shamash in Babylonian mythology).
Anyway, it's obvious what's going to happen. The King of the Ammonites didn't give a shit really what Jephthah had to say, and so in retribution Yahweh grants Jephthah divine powers. Then randomly Jephthah decides to make a vow to Yahweh in return swearing that whatever comes out of his house to meet him when he returns home from destroying the Ammonite army will be sacrificed to Yahweh (why would anyone EVER make this vow???). Anyway, of course Jephthah goes and defeats the Ammonite army, and also destroys Ammonite towns in the process. When he returns, his only a child, his daughter, comes out to greet him. I guess Jephthah tells her what the deal is, so she accepts that she has to be sacrificed to Yahweh, but asks that she be allowed to mourn her own death (and the fact that she will never marry) for at least 2 months. Jephtah allows her to do this, and then when she returns home after 2 months he SACRIFICES HER!!!!!!
12- So after the battle with the Ammonites, the Ephraimites show up and were pissed off that Jephthah didn't call on them to fight in the battle as allies, so they in return want to kill him. Jephthah then claims that he did in fact call on them, but they didn't come. So a civil war then breaks out because of this drama, with Jephthah summoning the folk of Gilead to fight with him against Ephraim. As an aside, the armies of Gilead completely slaughtered the armies of Ephraim by capturing the fords of the Jordan River, so when an Ephraimite survivor from the battle tried to cross the river to go back to Ephraim, the Gileadites would make the survivor say "shibboleth". If the survivor couldn't say it properly, he was killed. This is because people from Ephraim couldn't pronounce this properly. Anyway, the result was that 42,000 warriors from Ephraim were killed. After this civil war, Jepthah then leads the cult for 6 years before he dies.
After he dies, he's replaced by Ibzan of Bethlehem (7 years), Elon of Zebulun (10 years), and Abdon of Pirathon (8 years).
13- OK, so here we go again...again! This time it's the Philistines who invade and enslave the cult for 40 years. Manoah of Zorah, a Danite, is told by an angel of Yahweh that his barren wife is to give birth to a son who will be dedicated to serve Yahweh from conception, and will be named Samson. Also, his hair is never to be cut because he's to be a nazirite (see Numbers 1-21 for the laws involving what is required of nazirites). Samson is to be the messiah that will liberate the cult from their Philistine overlords. Manoah then prayed to Yahweh, asking for the angel to come back for further instruction. So, Yahweh sends the angel again, and this time he meets with both Manoah and his wife, telling them the rules of how to remain pure while Samson is in the womb.
Manoah then tries to offer the angel some goat meat, but the angel says instead to sacrifice the goat to Yahweh. Also, at this point Manoah doesn't realize (or is skeptical) that the angel is an actual angel and not just some mortal dude (who still happens to be an agent of Yahweh), but when he asks the angel his name the angel says that his name is "unknowable/secret/incomprehensible". Also, as Manoah and his wife sacrifice the goat and some grain to Yahweh, the angel walks into the flames and ascends to the sky. Manoah then realizes that he had indeed seen an angel of Yahweh, and was freaked out and thoguht he was going to die. However, his wife is able to calm him down, and then they go on about their business, and eventually his wife gives birth to Samson.
Although he was blessed by Yahweh, Samson didn't actually truly "feel" the spirit of Yahweh until he was an adult.
14- So Samson eventually ends up in the village of Timnah, where he spots a young Philistine chick. He must have thought she was hot, because he went back home and told his parents that he wanted to marry her. His parents are shocked, asking him why he's not into any of the local girls or his relatives (!). Also, the Philistines are uncircumcised (and I guess therefore considered to be "dirty"). Samson still doesn't care though, and even though all of this is actually being manipulated by the divine magic of Yahweh, who wanted to have a war start between the Philistines and the Israelites.
Anyway, Samson and his parents go back to Timnah, but on their way they're attacked by a lion, but because Samson had divine power (and thus, super-strength!), he was able to tear the lion to shreds with his bare hands! However, apparently his parents didn't see him do this. Anyway, he then hangs out with that Philistine chick he likes in Timnah.
On another trip to Timnah, Samson sees the carcass of the lion that he killed, and notices that there was a swarm of bees inside of its skull and that they had made some honey. Samson then eats some of the honey and then goes on his way. He also later gave some of the honey to his parents, but didn't tell them where it was from.
Later, Samson and his dad go to Timnah to visit the Philistine chick who Samson had just recently married, and Samson had planned a huge 7-day feast to celebrate. During the party, a competition was held, consisting of 30 dudes vs. Samson. Samson tells them a riddle, and says that if they can answer the riddle correctly within 7 days, Samson will give them 30 linen garments and 30 sets of clothes, but if they can't answer correctly, they will have to give him the same prize.
The riddle was: "Out of the eater, something to eat; out of the strong, something sweet".
For 3 days, the men couldn't figure out the answer, so on the 4th day they got frustrated and threatened Samson's wife by saying that they would burn her and her family alive if she didn't find out the answer for them. So she goes to Samson to find out the answer, but Samson refuses to tell her, so she gets really pissed off. Finally, on the 7th day of the feast, Samson gets sick of his wife being upset, so he just tells her the answer, and then she goes and tells the dudes in the competition. So, they go and give Samson the answer, but he knows that they cheated, so he goes to the village of Ashkelon, kills 30 dudes there, and takes their clothes to give to the dudes in the competition. Then he returns back to his parents' home, and his wife ends up being "given" to some other dude at the feast!
15- Later, during the harvest season, Samson went to visit his estranged wife, and brought a young goat as an apology gift/gift for sex. But his young wife's father won't let him in because Samson had scorned her, so she had been "given" to another dude. However, it appears that her dad was still cool with Samson because he offers him his other, younger, more sexy daughter instead. Anyway, this doesn't stop Samson from still being royally pissed off that his wife had been given to another dude, so he goes and captures 300 foxes, ties their tails together in pairs, ties torches to the tails, and then lets them loose on the grain fields of the Philistines. The vineyards and olive gardens were also destroyed in the fire as well. For revenge, the Philistines murdered Samson's wife (ex-wife?) her dad, so Samson struck back by killing a bunch of Philistines and then went to hide in a cave. Looking for Samson, the Philistine armies invaded the Promised Land, and presumably enslaved the cult.
Responding to the invasion, 3000 Israelites from the tribe of Judah went to Samson to ask him WTF was going on. After talking with Samson, they decided to capture him and turn him in to the Philistines. Samson surprisingly agrees to this, but on his way to be handed over the spirit of Yahweh possesses him and he bursts out from his binding and attacks the Philistines with a donkey's jawbone, killing 1000 of them!
After this, Samson is thirsty, so he demands water from Yahweh. Yahweh then opens up the earth and a spring bubbles forth out of it. Samson would ultimately lead the cult for 20 years.
16- Samson's not finished yet, though! Samson decides to make a trip down to Gaza, and there he meets a prostitute. I guess the people there wanted to kill him because of his history with the Philistines, so they set up an ambush to attack him at the city gate whenever he left the city. But crafty ol' Samson must have known something was up because he left the prostitute in the middle of the night and went to the city gates and took them off their posts, lifting them over his head, and then carried them to the top of a hill that faced Hebron.
Later in his travels, Samson meets a chick named Delilah in the Valley of Sorek. However, the Philistines learned about their love and paid Delilah to trick Samson into telling her the secret of his super strength. Samson then tells her that if he gets tied up with 7 bowstrings that haven't been dried, this will subdue him. So Delilah acquired the 7 bowstrings and then ties him up, and soon the Philistines hide in the room to observe and (hopefully) kill Samson, but he busts through these bowstrings easily. Delilah scolds Samson and then asks him again to let her tie him up, so the whole process repeats, but this time with new ropes. Same thing. So then she tries with 7 braids of his hair weaved into a cloth and fastened to the floor or wall or something. None of this works. Finally, getting sick of Delilah's nagging, Samson tells her that he's a nazirite and that his strength comes from his hair, and that if his head was shaved then he would be as weak as a normal person.
So, when Samson is sleeping the Philistines shave off his hair, and Samson awakens to find that his head has been shaved and that the power of Yahweh has vanished. Then the Philistines come in and rip out his eyeballs, enslave him, and send him to work grinding grain in a prison in Gaza (Conan the Barbarian-style!). However, his hair begins to grow back...
Anyway, the Philistines were now happy! Samson was their slave! They then have a giant feast and celebration in honor of their god, Dagon, whom they believed had delivered Samson into their hands. Because Samson was now their slave, they ordered him to be brought forth and to entertain them. However, Samson's hair had grown long again! So, when he came out he prayed to Yahweh, and was thus given his strength back, and then he pushed over the pillars supporting the temple structure, and the whole building collapsed, killing all 3000 people inside (including Samson himself!). Then his family comes to Gaza and retrieves his corpse, taking it back to buried in the Promised Land.
17- The next story is about a dude named Micah of the Ephraim hill country. Micah admits to his mom that he had stolen a bunch of silver from her, but he somehow became aware that his mom had cursed the thief, so he brought the silver to give back to her. His mom, I guess in order to take this curse back, dedicated the silver to Yahweh and then gave some of it to a silversmith. The silversmith then fashioned the silver into an idol (of Yahweh?) and another carved image, and then they placed the images in a shrine at Micah's home. Micah also made for himself an ephod and a teraphim, and appointed one of his sons as a priest of the shrine. Next, a young Levite dude from Bethlehem who was wandering in the desert arrived at at Micah's, and so Micah asks him to be the priest of the shrine in return for room and board. The Levite accepts.
18- During the time of the cult settling into the Promised Land, the tribe of Dan had a real problem- nowhere to settle! So, they sent a group of 5 dudes to go and explore the land (like a D&D party of adventurers!). Anyway, the group ended up at Micah's house, and stayed the night there. While they were there they talked to the Levite priest and asked him some questions about his background while making small talk. The priest tells them that Yahweh approves of their quest. Anyway, they eventually make their way to Laish, where they find that the people living there are safe and happy. They then return home and tell the tribe about what they found- Laish was a land that was unprotected, fertile, but also allied with the Sidonians (although they were too far away from the Sidonians for them to be able to realistically defend it). So, the tribe sent 600 warriors to go and and conquer Laish and the surrounding lands. On their way through the hill country, they pass by Micah's house, but also decide that it would be a good idea to go inside and steal Micah's ephod, idol, teraphim, and the carved image or whatever. However, the Levite priest confronted the army, but they convinced him to go join them and be priest for their entire army. This pisses off Micah, so he gathers some of his neighbors together and they go after the army to get Micah's shit back. However, when they catch up with them, the army just tells Micah and his crew to go away. So, Micah and his gang return home. Anyway, then the army goes and conquers Laish, building a new city on top of it soon afterwards.
Then the Danites named the new city Dan (creative), and set up the idol as an object of worship. They also named a dude named Jonathan (son of Gershom and grandson of Moses) the new priest, and his sons were to be the priests for a long time after him.
19- Now the scene shifts to a Levite in the Ephraim hill country who had a wife from Bethlehem. However, she was unfaithful and left him to go back to Bethlehem after about 4 months. So, the Levite went to Bethlehem to try and get her back. When his wife's father met with him, the father was really nice and let him stay at the house for 3 days with meals and drinks and stuff. On the 4th day, the Levite was about to leave, but his father-in-law persuaded him to stay another day. Then on the 5th day, the same thing happened. This time, though, the Levite declined, and headed out with his servant, his wife, and two donkeys. The servant then wanted to stop and spend the night in Jerusalem, but the Levite didn't want to because the city had not yet been fully conquered by the cult, and the Levite didn't fully trust non-Hebrews. They instead decided to spend the night in Gibeah, a city located in Benjaminite territory. However, they couldn't find a place to stay, so they chilled out in the town square. Later, an old dude who worked the fields outside of town came in and saw them, and started to talk to them. Curious about what their deal was, he started talking to them and invited them back to his house to stay the night instead of sleeping like bums in the square. However, just like in Sodom, there was a mob of men who wanted to rape the Levite (!). However, the farmer dude tells them that they can have his virgin daughter and the Levite's wife instead. So, the Levite dude sent out his wife to the mob to be gang-raped all night, and then she came back to the door of the house and just laid there until morning. After waking up, the Levite found her, but she was dead, so he put her on his donkey and went home. When he finally reached home, he got his knife, cut up her body into 12 pieces, and then sent the different parts to the different tribes in order to inspire outrage among them about what happened.
20- In response to the brutal rape and murder of the Levite's wife, all the tribes were united in seeking revenge. 400,000 warriors gathered with the leaders of the cult, and the Levite told them all his story. Outraged, they decided to attack Gibeah in response. They also were pissed off at the tribe of Benjamin for not being able to manage their own cities, and demanded the criminals be handed over for punishment. However, the tribe of Benjamin didn't give a fuck, and instead mobilized their own army to protect Gibeah! Their army was only roughly 26,000 warriors, definitely outnumbered. Before going into battle, the main cult army went to Bethlehem, where the Ark of the Covenant was still located, with Phineas (son of Eleazar, grandson of Aaron) as head priest, and offered sacrifices and praise to Yahweh. Yahweh then told the Israelite army that he was on their side, and would deliver the Benjaminites into their hands. Anyway, the main cult army then attacked Gibeah, and obviously won with the power of Yahweh. Gibeah was conquered and all its inhabitants executed. There were only 600 Benjaminite survivors from the batttle, and they hid out in the wilderness for 4 months out of fear of being captured. Meanwhile, the main cult army then went into the land of the Benjaminites and destroyed every city they came across, executing everyone and even killing the animals too!
21- Then the Israelites vowed to not even allow their daughters to marry a Benjamenite. They returned to Bethel and are sad about the civil war and how they had to exterminate so any Benjaminites. Then they realized that the city of Jabesh Gilead had failed to show up to the assembly, which was a sin punishable by death. So the cult once again gathered an army to go punish the city, and presumably they went and did so. Afterwards, they found 400 virgins whom they didn't kill, and used them as a peace offering with the Benjaminites. However, although the Benjaminites accepted, they pointed out that they needed more women and that this wasn't enough. They also wanted to be able to marry with other Israelites (and not just within their own tribe). So, they told the Benjaminites to go to Shiloh and steal women from there (for some reason). So, the Benjaminites did that, and that's how they exploited this loophole. The Benjaminites then returned to their lands and rebuilt their cities and repopulated the land and shit.
However, they were unable to conquer the people of the Plains, since they had iron chariots (?).
Anyway, the Josephites then attack Bethel. The story goes that the Josephites sent spies to Bethel and encountered a dude there who showed them how to get into the city in exchange for the safety of his family (similar to what went down at Jericho). After the city fell, the dude went to the land of the Hittites and founded a new city called Luz (named after Bethel's original name).
It's important to note that the cult didn't kill EVERYONE. They enslaved the Canaanites living in Beth Shan, Taanach, Dor, Ibleam, and Megiddo since the Canaanites "were determined to live there". So Yahweh didn't exactly uphold his end of the covenant, especially since they didn't conquer the chariot people, either! There were a bunch of other places they where the cult didn't commit mass genocide, and just enslaved the people living at these places instead.
2- So then an angel of Yahweh went to the village of Bochim and told the Israelites there that Yahweh was really pissed off because I guess the cult failed to annihilate every single human being that inhabited the Promised Land prior to their arrival, and also they might not have destroyed every single one of their altars to their own pagan gods. Then the angel says that to teach the cult a lesson by NOT helping with the annihilation of the remaining people, and that it's too late to make amends with Yahweh. So everyone freaks out and cries, and that's how Bochim ("Weeping") got its name. So, the cult tries to improve the situation by making some sacrifices to Yahweh.
Anyway, some time passes and the next generation of cultists begins to fuck around and not follow the strict rules of the Covenant, and also they start to follow different religions of the locals (such as worshiping Baal and/or Ashtoreth (Astarte, the Canaanite version of Ishtar). Of course, this royally pisses off Yahweh, so he allowed for some raiders to plunder some parts of the Promised Land, as well as allowing some members to be captured and enslaved. Also, whenever, the cult goes out to battle, Yahweh fights AGAINST them because he's so angry.
However, Yahweh then appointed some judges who were to serve as spiritual leaders of the cult, but this didn't really work and they were ignored by some of the more disobedient cult members. These judges did their best to try and steer the people back to the path of Yahweh and save them from raiders and slavers, and while this did have some positive effects, after a judge died the people under their guidance would end up just being worse sinners. It was a vicious cycle.
So, Yahweh finally gets fed up and says that he's not going to help the cult anymore as far as purging the remaining non-cult people of the Promised Land.
3- We learn that the only reason Yahweh allowed some of Canaanites to survive was so that Yahweh could use them as target practice for Israelites who had not yet experienced war. Remaining were the Philistines (5 kings), some Canaanites, Sidonians, and Hivites, who still inhabited the mountains of Lebanon. So, living among the Israelites still were Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites. Some Israelites intermarried with these people and began to worship pagan gods of the region (uh-oh!!!). This resulted in at least some of the Promised Land being conquered and enslaved by Chushan-Rishathaim, the king of Arak-Naharim (northwest Mesopotamia) for 8 years. The Israelite slaves in these conquered areas cried out for Yahweh to save them, and so Yahweh sent Othniel, Caleb's nephew and husband of Aksah, to go and liberate them. Othniel was then granted by Yahweh the title of "judge" (or "leader") of the cult (the First Judge of the Israelites), and Othniel crushed Cushan-Rishathaim's armies with Yahweh's might. After this, the Promised Land was a peaceful place until Othniel died.
Of course, after Othniel died, the cultists started acting like idiots (again), so to teach them a lesson (again), Yahweh allowed for Eglon, the morbidly-obese king of Moab, to invade the Promised Land. Eglon was joined by allied armies from the Ammonites and the Amalekites, and he ruled over his conquered lands for 18 years.
So, the whole cycle repeats, and Yahweh sends in Ehud (the Second Judge of the Israelites), a left-handed dude of the tribe of Benjamin. Ehud pretended to seek an audience with Eglon to give him tribute, but he secretly had a dagger hidden under his clothes. Ehud ended up killing Eglon by stabbing him in the belly, but Eglon was so fat that his belly just completely absorbed the dagger and, although he did indeed die, he shit his pants as he did so. Ehud then leaves and locks the doors, which makes the servants think that Eglon is taking a shit before they figure out that actually, he had been killed. So, Ehud then escapes to the town of Seraiah in Ephraim, rallies the cult, and then they attack a Moabite army of 10,000, slaying them all and conquering Moab. After this, there is peace for 80 years.
Then there is an Israelite dude named Shamgar (the Third Judge of the Israelites) who kills 600 Philistines with a cattle prod.
4- The cycle repeats, except this time the Israelites are enslaved by Jabin, the king of Canaan (based out of Hazor). The commander of his army was Sisera. Jabin had 900 iron chariots, and brutally ruled over the cult for 20 years. So, the judge this time selected by Yahweh was Deborah (a chick!). Her husband was a dude named Lappidoth. Her court was under a palm tree, between Ramah and Bethel, in the Hill Country of Ephraim. She appointed a dude named Barak, by decree of Yahweh, to lead an army of 10,000 warriors to Mount Tabor, where nearby Deborah planned to lead Sisera and his army. Barak agrees, but only if Deborah goes with him. Anyway, it all works according to plan- Sisera's army is crushed, and Sisera flees. Sisera finally arrives at the tent of Jael, wife of Heber the Kenite, who was an ally of Jabin. Sisera believed that he would be safe here. However, as Sisera was sleeping, Jael drove a tent peg through his skull with a hammer! Then Barak comes by and Jael shows him her dirty work. Then the Israelites crush Jabin's armies.
5- The Song of Deborah: Deborah and Barak sing a song, recapping recent events. Then the Promisd Land is peaceful for 40 years!
6- The cycle repeats. This time it's the Midianites (I thought they were all killed?) who invade and rule for 7 years. The Midianites were so harsh that many of the Israelites fled to the mountains to hide, and those who stayed saw their crops and livestock destroyed, so they starved. The Amalekites and other eastern tribes invaded too. It seems like they raided not for plunder, but just to cause chaos and destruction.
Anyway, first Yahweh sends a prophet to the enslaved Israelites to remind them of why they're in this predicament in the first place. Then an angel goes to a tree in Ophrah where a dude named Gideon was threshing some wheat. The angel then tells Gideon that Yahweh has chosen him to be a mighty warrior, and that he is to liberate the Israelites from slavery. However, Gideon doesn't understand because he's too young, and his clan is weak. Gideon is assured that Yahweh is with him, but Gideon wants proof. So, Gideon then goes and makes some food for the angel, and when he gives it to him, the angel sets it on fire and disappears! Gideon then realizes that he had truly been talking to an angel!
7- So Gideon then builds an altar to Yahweh and names it "Yahweh is Peace" (ha). Later that night, Yahweh tells Gideon to take the second bull from his dad's herd, then tear down his dad's altar to Baal and the Asherah poll, and use the wood of the poll to then build an altar to Yahweh and sacrifice the bull there. So, the next morning, the villagers wake up to find what Gideon had done. Soon they find out that Gideon was responsible, so they tell his dad, Joash, that Gideon is to be executed. Joash fires back by saying that if Baal is such a powerful god, he should be able to properly defend himself when someone commits such a sacrilege against him. Also, Gideon earns the new nickname "Jerub-Baal" ("Let Baal Contend").
Anyway, then the Midianites, Amalekites, and others from the east crossed over the Jordan River and set up camp in the Valley of Jezreel. So, with the power of Yahweh, Gideon blows a trump and summons the Abiezrites (descendants of Abiezer, son of Gilead) and some other tribes to join him in the fight to drive off the invaders.
Gideon is still skeptical of Yahweh's power, however. So he tells Yahweh that he will truly believe Yahweh if he puts a wool fleece on the threshing floor, and if there is dew on the fleece despite the dry ground (weird test), then he'll know Yahweh is legit. So, Gideon does this, and the next morning he finds that indeed the fleece is wet with dew or whatever. However, Gideon is STILL skeptical! So Yahweh tells him to do the reverse. The next day, Gideon finds that the fleece is dry, but the ground is wet. Boom!
7- Anyway, Gideon is apparently convinced of Yahweh's power, so he gathers a huge army and attacks the Midianites, but apparently this army is TOO big for Yahweh, and he doesn't like this because he feels that it will take the spotlight away from him and onto Gideon instead. Yahweh feels like the army is powerful enough to win on its own, so Yahweh tells Gideon to send home anyone in the army who's scared. So, 22,000 men leave, but 10,000 remain. Yahweh still thinks this is too many people, so he tells Gideon to lead the men to some water nearby. Yahweh then decides that the soldiers who cup their hands and lap at the water like dogs are the ones who are to stay and fight (for whatever reason), so the 300 that do this (out of the 10,000) are allowed to stay, and other other 7,700 leave.
That night Yahweh tells Gideon to attack the Midanites, but if he's too scared then he should just go and spy, but just be sure to bring his slave with him. So, Gideon and his slave Purah go together to the big-ass Midianite camp, and Gideon overhears a dude talking about how he had a dream that a loaf of bread went tumbling into the Midianite camp and destroyed a tent or something. Gideon realizes that this is a sign, so he returned to camp and woke up his army. He then divided them into 3 sections and gave them all trumpets and empty jars with torches inside them or something. Then he takes 100 men and they go to the Midianite camp and attacked, breaking their jars and blowing their trumpets. There was chaos then in the Midianite camp, and then Yahweh used his divine magic to cause the Midianites to attack each other. The Midianites fled, and then Gideon was joined by other Israelite tribes to help him attack. Gideon then sent messengers to travel throughout Ephraim, encouraging the people to join him in the fight against the Midianites and seize control of the Jordan River to block the Midianites from escaping. The Ephraim people did so, and also captured 2 Midianite leaders- Oreb and Zeeb. Then they executed them and brought their heads to Gideon.
8- So, after the battle I guess the the Ephraimites were mad at Gideon for calling on them so late in the game and not seeking their help initially. Gideon deflects these attacks by saying that it was essentially all a part of Yahweh's plan. Anyway, Gideon then led his 300 (no one died?) soldiers across the Jordan River to pursue the Middianites, who were led by 2 kings- Zebah and Zalmunna. Also, at the same time, he asked the princes of Sukkoth, a nearby city, for bread to help feed his troops, but they turned him down since they didn't see any reason to help the cult since they were obviously the clear victors in this fight. This pisses off Gideon, and he tells them he's going to fuck them up when he returns. The city of Piniel does the same thing, Gideon makes the same threat to them. Anyway, the Midianites then holed up in the city of Karkor, with a force of 15,000 (they already lost 120,000!). Gideon then attacks and crushes the city and captures the kings.
On their way back, Gideon captured a dude from Sukkoth who writes down the name of the 77 elder officials of his city. Gideon then storms Sukkoth and punishes the elders "with desert thorns and briers" (whatever that means). Then Gideon and his army wetn to Peniel, destroyed its tower, and slaughtered everyone in the town!
Gideon then instructs his son, Jether, to kill the captive Midianite kings, but Jether is too scared. So Gideon does it himself and executes them. After all this, the cult wants to name Gideon as their new leader, but Gideon resists, saying that the isn't their leader- Yahweh is! Gideon does request, however, that he receive an earring from everyone (?). He then takes all of the gold from the earrings and makes an ephod out of them, and then he puts this ephod on display in the town of Ophrah. However, this kind of backfired on Gideon because the cult starts to venerate and worship the ephod as an idol... uh-oh! After the battle with the Midianites, Midian didn't cause any more trouble and there was peace for 40 years. During this time though, Gideon had 70 sons!! He had a bunch of wives, plus he also had a concubine who bore him a son named Abimelek.
Anyway, Gideon then dies and is buried at Ophrah. However, without Gideon's inspiration, the cult began to stray from Yahweh and worship the god Ba'al Berith. They also stopped treating Gideon's family with respect! Assholes!
9- Now that Gideon had died, Abimelek decided that he wanted to take over as the cult's unofficial leader, so he gained the support of the villagers of Shechem and got them to give him some money that had belonged to the temple of Ba'al Berith, and Abimelek used this money to hire a gang of thugs. He then got his gang together and they went to the family home in Ophrah and murdered 69 of his half-brothers so that none would oppose him, but the last half-brother, Jotham, the youngest of the 70, got away. Anyway, after this, all the citizens of Shechem gathered at an oak tree or something in the village to proclaim Abimelech the leader of the cult. However, Jotham heard about this and decided to intervene during the gathering. He climbed up on top of the Mount Gerizim and shouted at the villagers, telling them a story about talking trees, which is a parable for all the trees have something good to offer, but only a shitty thorn bush would want to rule over the others. Then Jotham scolds the villagers for appointing Abimelek as their leader, since he's obviously just a thug, murderer, and only got appointed his position because his father was Gideon and his mom was a sex slave (who was related to some of the townsfolk?). He also warns them that they better make him happy, or else they'll experience his wrath and end up in a civil war. Then Jotham flees to the city of Beer (haha) where he stays in hiding. Apparently though, Abimelek must have been a decent leader, because nothing happened for 3 years until Yahweh decided that it was time for Gideon's sons to be avenged, and created animosity (sigh...) between Abimelek and the villagers of Shechem. The villagers began to act as highway bandits, robbing people on the road near Shechem, which must have pissed off Abimelek.
Anyway, later on a dude named Gaal shows up with his clan in Shechem, and and roused the people against Abimelek while they were celebrating a (wine?) festival at a temple of Ba'al Berith. Obviously, Abimelek heard about this, and his political adviser (and governor of Shechem), Zebul, advised the king to send his army at night to hide outside of Shechem and ambush the city. Anyway, Abimelek and Zebul then crush the rebellion and drive out Gaal and his clan. Abimelek then destroyed Shechem and salt the grounds. Nearby in a tower where a bunch of Shechem's citizens had holed up, they decided to flee to the temple stronghold of El Berith (either the same god as Ba'al Berith or a different god, it's unclear). So Abimelek then goes and sets fire to the temple stronghold, killing all 1000 people trapped inside. Then Abimelek went to the nearby city of Thebez and conquers it (??), except for some of the citizens inside of its tower. As Abimelek's army lays siege to the tower, a woman drops a stone on his head, which severely wounds him. Abimelek then calls his armor-bearer to come over and kill him with a sword so that the people wouldn't say he was killed by a woman (haha). When Abimelek dies, his army then just goes back to their homes. The curse that Jotham had laid up opon Abimelek and the people of Shechem had finally passed.
10- A dude named Tola from Issarchar (but now living in Shamir in Ephraim) was the next hero of the cult, leading for 23 years. He was followed by Jair of Gilead, who led for 22 years (and had 30 sons!).
After this period, obviously the Israelites began to fuck around and worship a multitude of different gods and shit, so Yahweh got pissed off and had them be conquered and enslaved by both the Philistines and the Ammonites. These slavers occupied Gilead for 18 years, and eventually the Ammonites crossed the Jordan River and invaded other parts of the Promised Land. So it's the same story again- the Israelites cry out for Yahweh, he scolds them, they forsake the other gods they were worshiping, Yahweh feels sorry for them, and then he sends them a messiah.
11- The messiah this time is Jephthah of Gilead, the son of a mighty warrior (also named Gilead) and a prostitute. Jephthah was run off by his other half-brothers (who were "legitimate" children) and didn't want to share their inheritance with a bastard. So Jephthah ended up a drifter in the land of Tob, where he became the leader of a band of thugs. Eventually, he must have acquired some renown, as the elders of his family sent for him to fight on their behalf against the Ammonites, who were still occupying Gilead. Jephthah is skeptical since they were shitty to him earlier, but they promise him that he'll be their leader when they are free. So Jephthah finally agrees to help, but once he returns with the elders of the family he sends a message to the Ammonite king basically asking him why the fuck he's in the Promised Land in the first place. The king replies back by saying that the cult took over the Ammonite land when they were returning from Egypt. Jephthah shoots back a long message that summarizes basically the entire Book of Numbers, and how the cult kept on being denied access to pass through the various kingdoms. They say that the lands that were taken over were given to them by Yahweh, so why have the Ammonites randomly taken over a part of land that actually didn't belong to them originally. So since Yahweh has given them the Promised Land, why don't the Ammonites just be happy with the land given to them by their god, Chemosh (Shamash in Babylonian mythology).
Anyway, it's obvious what's going to happen. The King of the Ammonites didn't give a shit really what Jephthah had to say, and so in retribution Yahweh grants Jephthah divine powers. Then randomly Jephthah decides to make a vow to Yahweh in return swearing that whatever comes out of his house to meet him when he returns home from destroying the Ammonite army will be sacrificed to Yahweh (why would anyone EVER make this vow???). Anyway, of course Jephthah goes and defeats the Ammonite army, and also destroys Ammonite towns in the process. When he returns, his only a child, his daughter, comes out to greet him. I guess Jephthah tells her what the deal is, so she accepts that she has to be sacrificed to Yahweh, but asks that she be allowed to mourn her own death (and the fact that she will never marry) for at least 2 months. Jephtah allows her to do this, and then when she returns home after 2 months he SACRIFICES HER!!!!!!
12- So after the battle with the Ammonites, the Ephraimites show up and were pissed off that Jephthah didn't call on them to fight in the battle as allies, so they in return want to kill him. Jephthah then claims that he did in fact call on them, but they didn't come. So a civil war then breaks out because of this drama, with Jephthah summoning the folk of Gilead to fight with him against Ephraim. As an aside, the armies of Gilead completely slaughtered the armies of Ephraim by capturing the fords of the Jordan River, so when an Ephraimite survivor from the battle tried to cross the river to go back to Ephraim, the Gileadites would make the survivor say "shibboleth". If the survivor couldn't say it properly, he was killed. This is because people from Ephraim couldn't pronounce this properly. Anyway, the result was that 42,000 warriors from Ephraim were killed. After this civil war, Jepthah then leads the cult for 6 years before he dies.
After he dies, he's replaced by Ibzan of Bethlehem (7 years), Elon of Zebulun (10 years), and Abdon of Pirathon (8 years).
13- OK, so here we go again...again! This time it's the Philistines who invade and enslave the cult for 40 years. Manoah of Zorah, a Danite, is told by an angel of Yahweh that his barren wife is to give birth to a son who will be dedicated to serve Yahweh from conception, and will be named Samson. Also, his hair is never to be cut because he's to be a nazirite (see Numbers 1-21 for the laws involving what is required of nazirites). Samson is to be the messiah that will liberate the cult from their Philistine overlords. Manoah then prayed to Yahweh, asking for the angel to come back for further instruction. So, Yahweh sends the angel again, and this time he meets with both Manoah and his wife, telling them the rules of how to remain pure while Samson is in the womb.
Manoah then tries to offer the angel some goat meat, but the angel says instead to sacrifice the goat to Yahweh. Also, at this point Manoah doesn't realize (or is skeptical) that the angel is an actual angel and not just some mortal dude (who still happens to be an agent of Yahweh), but when he asks the angel his name the angel says that his name is "unknowable/secret/incomprehensible". Also, as Manoah and his wife sacrifice the goat and some grain to Yahweh, the angel walks into the flames and ascends to the sky. Manoah then realizes that he had indeed seen an angel of Yahweh, and was freaked out and thoguht he was going to die. However, his wife is able to calm him down, and then they go on about their business, and eventually his wife gives birth to Samson.
Although he was blessed by Yahweh, Samson didn't actually truly "feel" the spirit of Yahweh until he was an adult.
14- So Samson eventually ends up in the village of Timnah, where he spots a young Philistine chick. He must have thought she was hot, because he went back home and told his parents that he wanted to marry her. His parents are shocked, asking him why he's not into any of the local girls or his relatives (!). Also, the Philistines are uncircumcised (and I guess therefore considered to be "dirty"). Samson still doesn't care though, and even though all of this is actually being manipulated by the divine magic of Yahweh, who wanted to have a war start between the Philistines and the Israelites.
Anyway, Samson and his parents go back to Timnah, but on their way they're attacked by a lion, but because Samson had divine power (and thus, super-strength!), he was able to tear the lion to shreds with his bare hands! However, apparently his parents didn't see him do this. Anyway, he then hangs out with that Philistine chick he likes in Timnah.
On another trip to Timnah, Samson sees the carcass of the lion that he killed, and notices that there was a swarm of bees inside of its skull and that they had made some honey. Samson then eats some of the honey and then goes on his way. He also later gave some of the honey to his parents, but didn't tell them where it was from.
Later, Samson and his dad go to Timnah to visit the Philistine chick who Samson had just recently married, and Samson had planned a huge 7-day feast to celebrate. During the party, a competition was held, consisting of 30 dudes vs. Samson. Samson tells them a riddle, and says that if they can answer the riddle correctly within 7 days, Samson will give them 30 linen garments and 30 sets of clothes, but if they can't answer correctly, they will have to give him the same prize.
The riddle was: "Out of the eater, something to eat; out of the strong, something sweet".
For 3 days, the men couldn't figure out the answer, so on the 4th day they got frustrated and threatened Samson's wife by saying that they would burn her and her family alive if she didn't find out the answer for them. So she goes to Samson to find out the answer, but Samson refuses to tell her, so she gets really pissed off. Finally, on the 7th day of the feast, Samson gets sick of his wife being upset, so he just tells her the answer, and then she goes and tells the dudes in the competition. So, they go and give Samson the answer, but he knows that they cheated, so he goes to the village of Ashkelon, kills 30 dudes there, and takes their clothes to give to the dudes in the competition. Then he returns back to his parents' home, and his wife ends up being "given" to some other dude at the feast!
15- Later, during the harvest season, Samson went to visit his estranged wife, and brought a young goat as an apology gift/gift for sex. But his young wife's father won't let him in because Samson had scorned her, so she had been "given" to another dude. However, it appears that her dad was still cool with Samson because he offers him his other, younger, more sexy daughter instead. Anyway, this doesn't stop Samson from still being royally pissed off that his wife had been given to another dude, so he goes and captures 300 foxes, ties their tails together in pairs, ties torches to the tails, and then lets them loose on the grain fields of the Philistines. The vineyards and olive gardens were also destroyed in the fire as well. For revenge, the Philistines murdered Samson's wife (ex-wife?) her dad, so Samson struck back by killing a bunch of Philistines and then went to hide in a cave. Looking for Samson, the Philistine armies invaded the Promised Land, and presumably enslaved the cult.
Responding to the invasion, 3000 Israelites from the tribe of Judah went to Samson to ask him WTF was going on. After talking with Samson, they decided to capture him and turn him in to the Philistines. Samson surprisingly agrees to this, but on his way to be handed over the spirit of Yahweh possesses him and he bursts out from his binding and attacks the Philistines with a donkey's jawbone, killing 1000 of them!
After this, Samson is thirsty, so he demands water from Yahweh. Yahweh then opens up the earth and a spring bubbles forth out of it. Samson would ultimately lead the cult for 20 years.
16- Samson's not finished yet, though! Samson decides to make a trip down to Gaza, and there he meets a prostitute. I guess the people there wanted to kill him because of his history with the Philistines, so they set up an ambush to attack him at the city gate whenever he left the city. But crafty ol' Samson must have known something was up because he left the prostitute in the middle of the night and went to the city gates and took them off their posts, lifting them over his head, and then carried them to the top of a hill that faced Hebron.
Later in his travels, Samson meets a chick named Delilah in the Valley of Sorek. However, the Philistines learned about their love and paid Delilah to trick Samson into telling her the secret of his super strength. Samson then tells her that if he gets tied up with 7 bowstrings that haven't been dried, this will subdue him. So Delilah acquired the 7 bowstrings and then ties him up, and soon the Philistines hide in the room to observe and (hopefully) kill Samson, but he busts through these bowstrings easily. Delilah scolds Samson and then asks him again to let her tie him up, so the whole process repeats, but this time with new ropes. Same thing. So then she tries with 7 braids of his hair weaved into a cloth and fastened to the floor or wall or something. None of this works. Finally, getting sick of Delilah's nagging, Samson tells her that he's a nazirite and that his strength comes from his hair, and that if his head was shaved then he would be as weak as a normal person.
So, when Samson is sleeping the Philistines shave off his hair, and Samson awakens to find that his head has been shaved and that the power of Yahweh has vanished. Then the Philistines come in and rip out his eyeballs, enslave him, and send him to work grinding grain in a prison in Gaza (Conan the Barbarian-style!). However, his hair begins to grow back...
Anyway, the Philistines were now happy! Samson was their slave! They then have a giant feast and celebration in honor of their god, Dagon, whom they believed had delivered Samson into their hands. Because Samson was now their slave, they ordered him to be brought forth and to entertain them. However, Samson's hair had grown long again! So, when he came out he prayed to Yahweh, and was thus given his strength back, and then he pushed over the pillars supporting the temple structure, and the whole building collapsed, killing all 3000 people inside (including Samson himself!). Then his family comes to Gaza and retrieves his corpse, taking it back to buried in the Promised Land.
17- The next story is about a dude named Micah of the Ephraim hill country. Micah admits to his mom that he had stolen a bunch of silver from her, but he somehow became aware that his mom had cursed the thief, so he brought the silver to give back to her. His mom, I guess in order to take this curse back, dedicated the silver to Yahweh and then gave some of it to a silversmith. The silversmith then fashioned the silver into an idol (of Yahweh?) and another carved image, and then they placed the images in a shrine at Micah's home. Micah also made for himself an ephod and a teraphim, and appointed one of his sons as a priest of the shrine. Next, a young Levite dude from Bethlehem who was wandering in the desert arrived at at Micah's, and so Micah asks him to be the priest of the shrine in return for room and board. The Levite accepts.
18- During the time of the cult settling into the Promised Land, the tribe of Dan had a real problem- nowhere to settle! So, they sent a group of 5 dudes to go and explore the land (like a D&D party of adventurers!). Anyway, the group ended up at Micah's house, and stayed the night there. While they were there they talked to the Levite priest and asked him some questions about his background while making small talk. The priest tells them that Yahweh approves of their quest. Anyway, they eventually make their way to Laish, where they find that the people living there are safe and happy. They then return home and tell the tribe about what they found- Laish was a land that was unprotected, fertile, but also allied with the Sidonians (although they were too far away from the Sidonians for them to be able to realistically defend it). So, the tribe sent 600 warriors to go and and conquer Laish and the surrounding lands. On their way through the hill country, they pass by Micah's house, but also decide that it would be a good idea to go inside and steal Micah's ephod, idol, teraphim, and the carved image or whatever. However, the Levite priest confronted the army, but they convinced him to go join them and be priest for their entire army. This pisses off Micah, so he gathers some of his neighbors together and they go after the army to get Micah's shit back. However, when they catch up with them, the army just tells Micah and his crew to go away. So, Micah and his gang return home. Anyway, then the army goes and conquers Laish, building a new city on top of it soon afterwards.
Then the Danites named the new city Dan (creative), and set up the idol as an object of worship. They also named a dude named Jonathan (son of Gershom and grandson of Moses) the new priest, and his sons were to be the priests for a long time after him.
19- Now the scene shifts to a Levite in the Ephraim hill country who had a wife from Bethlehem. However, she was unfaithful and left him to go back to Bethlehem after about 4 months. So, the Levite went to Bethlehem to try and get her back. When his wife's father met with him, the father was really nice and let him stay at the house for 3 days with meals and drinks and stuff. On the 4th day, the Levite was about to leave, but his father-in-law persuaded him to stay another day. Then on the 5th day, the same thing happened. This time, though, the Levite declined, and headed out with his servant, his wife, and two donkeys. The servant then wanted to stop and spend the night in Jerusalem, but the Levite didn't want to because the city had not yet been fully conquered by the cult, and the Levite didn't fully trust non-Hebrews. They instead decided to spend the night in Gibeah, a city located in Benjaminite territory. However, they couldn't find a place to stay, so they chilled out in the town square. Later, an old dude who worked the fields outside of town came in and saw them, and started to talk to them. Curious about what their deal was, he started talking to them and invited them back to his house to stay the night instead of sleeping like bums in the square. However, just like in Sodom, there was a mob of men who wanted to rape the Levite (!). However, the farmer dude tells them that they can have his virgin daughter and the Levite's wife instead. So, the Levite dude sent out his wife to the mob to be gang-raped all night, and then she came back to the door of the house and just laid there until morning. After waking up, the Levite found her, but she was dead, so he put her on his donkey and went home. When he finally reached home, he got his knife, cut up her body into 12 pieces, and then sent the different parts to the different tribes in order to inspire outrage among them about what happened.
20- In response to the brutal rape and murder of the Levite's wife, all the tribes were united in seeking revenge. 400,000 warriors gathered with the leaders of the cult, and the Levite told them all his story. Outraged, they decided to attack Gibeah in response. They also were pissed off at the tribe of Benjamin for not being able to manage their own cities, and demanded the criminals be handed over for punishment. However, the tribe of Benjamin didn't give a fuck, and instead mobilized their own army to protect Gibeah! Their army was only roughly 26,000 warriors, definitely outnumbered. Before going into battle, the main cult army went to Bethlehem, where the Ark of the Covenant was still located, with Phineas (son of Eleazar, grandson of Aaron) as head priest, and offered sacrifices and praise to Yahweh. Yahweh then told the Israelite army that he was on their side, and would deliver the Benjaminites into their hands. Anyway, the main cult army then attacked Gibeah, and obviously won with the power of Yahweh. Gibeah was conquered and all its inhabitants executed. There were only 600 Benjaminite survivors from the batttle, and they hid out in the wilderness for 4 months out of fear of being captured. Meanwhile, the main cult army then went into the land of the Benjaminites and destroyed every city they came across, executing everyone and even killing the animals too!
21- Then the Israelites vowed to not even allow their daughters to marry a Benjamenite. They returned to Bethel and are sad about the civil war and how they had to exterminate so any Benjaminites. Then they realized that the city of Jabesh Gilead had failed to show up to the assembly, which was a sin punishable by death. So the cult once again gathered an army to go punish the city, and presumably they went and did so. Afterwards, they found 400 virgins whom they didn't kill, and used them as a peace offering with the Benjaminites. However, although the Benjaminites accepted, they pointed out that they needed more women and that this wasn't enough. They also wanted to be able to marry with other Israelites (and not just within their own tribe). So, they told the Benjaminites to go to Shiloh and steal women from there (for some reason). So, the Benjaminites did that, and that's how they exploited this loophole. The Benjaminites then returned to their lands and rebuilt their cities and repopulated the land and shit.
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