1 KINGS

1- King David is getting insanely old and his health is rapidly deteriorating.  In order to try and perhaps lift his spirits (among other things), his advisers find a virgin named Abishag of Shumen to "look after" him.  She's quite beautiful and does a good job of tending to David, but it's obvious that he's quickly on his way out because he doesn't bang her.
Because everyone knows that David is going to die soon, David's extremely handsome son Adonijah starts bragging about how he's going to the next king after David croaks.  In order to secure power, Adonijah forges an alliance with Joab (son of Zeruiah) and Abiathar (a priest).  However, he is opposed by Zadok (a high priest), Benaiah (son of Jehoiada), Nathan the Prophet, Shimei, Rei, and David’s personal bodyguard.  So, Adonijah performed a bunch of animal sacrifices and invited all of his brothers (except Solomon) and the royal officials of Judah, but he didn't invite invite Nathan the prophet, Benaiah, the king’s bodyguard or Solomon.
So, knowing that Adonijah is bad news, Nathan the Prophet goes to Bathsheba and tells her what's going on with Adonijah and that she and her son Solomon are in danger.  He then tells her to meet with him and David and tell him what's going on, and try to get him (David) to confirm Solomon as the crown prince.
Anyway, so Bathsheba then goes and meets with David and tells him that he had sworn to her and Yahweh that he (David) would make Solomon the next king, but Adonijah is claiming that he's now king and is doing a bunch of bullshit.  Nathan the Prophet then arrives to corroborate what Bathsheba said.  Realizing what's happening, David summons Zadok and Benaiah (in addition to Bathsheba and Nathan the Prophet already being there) and tells them that Solomon is to be the next king, and that this is to be demonstrated/announced by Solomon taking David's mule and going down to Gihon Spring where they are to blow a ram's horn and shout "Long live King Solomon!"  Then Solomon is to come back to David's palace and sit on the throne.  They agree to do this, and so they all travel down to Gihon Spring with the Kerethites and Pelethites.  There, Zadok annoints Solomon with olive oil and they blow the ram's horn and then the people come out and cheer and there's much rejoicing.
Meanwhile, Adonijah and his crew hear all the celebrating and are wondering what's going on before Jonathan (son of Abiathar, the priest) comes in and tells him (Adonijah) what's happened.  Everyone freaks out, including Adonijah, and then he rushes into the Tabernacle and grabs onto some horns on the altar (?) and cries out that he wants Solomon to swear that he (Solomon) won't kill him (Adonijah).
When he finds out about this, Solomon responds that he won't hurt Adonijah as long as he's (Adonijah) loyal.  Otherwise, Solomon will kill him :)  Then Solomon summons Adonijah to him, and when Adonijah arrives he (Adonijah) bows before the king before he (Solomon) tells him to go home.

2-  David tells Solomon that he's going to die soon, so he tells Solomon to be strong and follow Yahweh and everything that Yahweh has decreed that the Israelites must do.  If Solomon can do this, Yawheh will keep his promise that he had made with David (as long as David and his descendants follow Yahweh's rules, they will occupy the throne).  He then adds that Solomon should punish Joab for murdering his (David's) two army commanders Abner and Amasa (basically committing violence during peacetime as revenge for violence that had occurred during a time of war).  He specifically mentions not letting Joab go to Sheol (Jewish version of Hell/The Afterlife).  Then he tells him to be kind to the sons of Barzillai of Gilead since they helped David when he was fleeing from the capital during Absalom's rebellion.  Last, he tells Solomon to remember Shimei son of Gera, who had cursed David when he (David) was fleeing to Manaheim.  David says that although he (David) had decided to spare Shimei's life and promised him that he (David) wouldn't hurt him after Shimei had begged for forgiveness when David was on his way back to Jerusalem, this promise didn't extend to Solomon (nasty!), so Solomon should have Shimei killed!  What!!
Then King David finally died and was buried in Jerusalem, and Solomon was now king!
Meanwhile, Adonijah (son of the concubine Haggith) goes to see Bathsheba (mother of Solomon BTW).  He tells her that he should have been the rightful king because all the people supported him, but it wasn't what Yahweh wanted.  Because of this injustice, he asks for Bathsheba to ask Solomon if he (Adonijah) can marry Abishag of Shunem, the young concubine girl or whatever who kept David warm in his last days.  So, Bathsheba does this.  However, it seems as if Solomon interprets this request as Adonijah trying to claim the throne again (I guess back in the day banging the king's concubine was a way of insinuating that you yourself were actually king?), so he gets mad at his mom's request and also points out that Adonijah has Joab and Abiathar on his side, so this is arguably a treasonous action.  Then he swears to Yahweh to kill him if he's wrong, but that he believes Adonijah deserves to die so he (Solomon) orders Benaiah to execute Adonijah.
Then King Solomon sent Abiathar back to his home in Anathoth, saying that he'll (Solomon) spare his (Abiathar's) life for now because of his service to David.  Thus, Abiathar was no longer a priest of the cult of Yahweh, thus fulfilling the prophecy Yahweh had made at Shiloh concerning the descendents of Eli (back in 1 Samuel).
As for Joab, he knew that after Adonijah was executed he (Joab) was next, so he runs into the Tabernacle and grabs onto the horns on the altar or whatever (similar to what Adonijah did).  Solomon hears what Joab is doing, but I guess doesn't give a fuck and sends Benaiah to go execute him (Joab).  Benaiah goes and then come back to tell him that Joab refuses to leave the Tabernacle, so Solomon tells Benaiah to just kill him in the Tabernacle.  He then curses Joab and his family and blesses his own family.  So, Benaiah goes and kills Joab in the Tabernacle and then has him (Joab) buried out at his home in the wilderness.  Then Solomon appointed Benaiah as commander of the army, seeing as how the position was now open :/  Zadok was then appointed as high priest of the cult.
King Solomon then summoned Shimei and told him that he was to move to Jerusalem and live anywhere he wanted in the city, but if he crossed the Kidron Valley (in Jerusalem, between what would be the Mount of Olives and the Temple Mount) he'll (Shimei) die and it will be his own fault.  So, Shimei moves to Jerusalem and lives there for awhile, but after three years two of his slaves run away to Gath so he goes and retrieves them back to Jerusalem. When King Solomon hears about this, he blesses himself and his family and has Shimei executed.
The kingdom was now firmly under Solomon's control!

3- Solomon decides to time to turn his attention to foreign policy, so he sets up an alliance with the pharaoh of Egypt and takes one of his daughters as a wife.  He also began construction/renovation/expansion (unclear) on his palace, as well as construction on a temple to Yahweh (finally!).  It seems like during this time they just had like shrines and shit to Yahweh, but no legit temple.  We learn that the most important/sacred of these shrines was at Gibeon, and that King Solomon went there one time and sacrificed 1000 burnt offerings to Yahweh (damn!).  Because of this, it seems like Yahweh assumes that Solomon wants something, so he appears to Solomon in a dream and asks him what he wants.  Solomon admits that he doesn't know what he's doing and feels lost, so he asks Yahweh for some guidance.  Yahweh is happy to help because Solomon didn't ask for a blessing upon himself or a curse upon his enemies, and that he (Yahweh) will give him a long life, riches beyond his wildest dreams, and wisdom as well (as long he continues to abide by the rules of the cult and Yahweh's decrees, of course).  After this, King Solomon wakes up and then does some more sacrifices to Yahweh and stuff.
Anyway, later on Solomon is holding court and two prostitutes come in with a problem.  They explain that they both live together, and that earlier one of them had had a baby but three days later the other also had a baby.  However, later on one of the children died so one of the women laid the dead baby with the other mother and took the living baby for herself.  Of course, both women claim that it was the other who did it and so they went to the king to sort this matter out.  Who is the real mother?  Who gets to keep the living baby?  Thinking quickly, Solomon decides to take out a sword- he says that he'll cut the baby in half and then both of the mothers will get to keep half of the baby for themselves!  Sounds like a nice compromise, right?  Of course, one of the prostitutes (obviously the real mom) cries out in protest, but the other (obviously not the mom) says that she's cool with it because then neither one gets the baby.  In this way, Solomon was able to determine who was the real mom (or who deserved to be the mom, at least).  Because of this, all the people were in complete awe of the wisdom bestowed upon their king by Yahweh.

4- Anyway, so King Solomon continues to rule over his kingdom.  We also learn about his courtiers:

-Azariah (son of Zadok), Zadok, and Abiathar- high priests
-Elihoreph and Ahijah (sons of Shisha)- court secretaries.
-Jehoshaphat (son of Ahilud)- court historian
-Benaiah (son of Jehoiada)- army commander
-Azariah (son of Nathan)- managed the 12 district governors
-Zabud (son of Nathan)- advisor
-Ahishar- palace manager
-Adoniram (son of Abda)- slave master

The 12 district governors:
-Ben-hur
-Ben-deker
-Ben-hesed
-Ben-abinadab (married to Taphath, one of King Solomon’s daughters)
-Baana (son of Ahilud)
-Ben-geber
-Ahinadab (son of Iddo)
-Ahimaaz (married to Basemath, another of Solomon’s daughters)
-Baana (son of Hushai)
-Jehoshaphat (son of Paruah)
-Shimei (son of Ela)
-Geber (son of Uri; also governed the territories of King Sihon of the Amorites and King Og of Bashan)
-There was also one extra governor ruling over the land of Judah (so wouldn't that make 13 governors?)

Anyway, so King Solomon now ruled over a pretty big kingdom, and life was good.  Neighboring kingdoms also sent him tribute as well.  We also learn all about all the animals and shit they got every day as either tribute or just letting us know about the palace's daily consumption in terms of livestock.  Life was good, everyone had everything they needed, and the district governors coordinated well with the king.  Yahweh also bestowed upon Solomon extreme wisdom, so much so that Solomon was like the smartest dude that ever lived anywhere in the world.  We also learn that he wrote approximately 3,000 proverbs and EXACTLY 1,005 songs.  He also knew a lot about animals and nature and shit.  Also, other nations would send ambassadors to the kingdom to listen to King Solomon talk and behold his wisdom.

5- So King Hiram of Tyre (a Phoenician city located just to the north of the kingdom in modern-day Lebanon; still there today!) had been an ally of King David's, so he sent ambassadors to establish relations with King Solomon.  King Solomon then sends a message back to King Hiram telling him that he (Solomon) wants to set up a trade deal for some timber from his lands (the famous cedar trees of Lebanon) in order to build a grand temple to Yahweh in Jerusalem.  King Hiram agrees, and they make a trade deal and then set up a peace treaty.
Anyway, so King Solomon then appoints Adoniram in charge of the operation and sends thousands of workers and slaves to go cut down a bunch of trees and shit in Lebanon.  They also got a bunch of rocks and stones from the quarries there.  We also find out that they got help from the Phoenician city Gebal (modern-day Byblos, Lebanon) (idk if that's important information or not).

6- So it's during the 4th year of Solomon's reign when Solomon's Temple begins construction.  We also find out that it had been 480 years since the cult had fled Egypt.  We also get the dimensions and architectural blueprint of the temple and how it was built and stuff.   Pretty cool actually!  Yahweh then tells King Solomon that if he builds this temple and also is able to follow all of Yahweh's decrees and rules and shit, he'll continue to abide by the covenant he made with King David.  We then learn that it takes seven years to the build the temple!

7- King Solomon then built a massive palace complex for himself (it took 13 years to complete!).  This complex included (among other buildings I guess) the Palace of the Forest of Lebanon, the Hall of Pillars, the Hall of Justice, his own living quarters, and separate living quarters for his queen (the pharaoh's daughter!).  To help design this construction, King Solomon summoned a half-Hebrew genius bronzesmith from Tyre named Huram (AKA Hiram; NOT King Hiram) to do all the metalwork for him.  The rest of this chapter is just a long description of all the cool shit and design for the temple to Yahweh and all the bronzework and treasure it holds.

8- Next, King Solomon summoned all of the elders and leaders of the tribes to his palace and also that they were to pick up the Ark of the Covenant (including the Tabernacle) when they arrived in Jerusalem and to bring it with them.  This meeting also coincided with the holiday Sukkot (AKA Feast of the Tabernacles), a harvest festival and also a commemoration of the Exodus and a tribute to Yahweh.  The elders and leaders then brought up the Tabernacle to the palace and they performed a shitload of animal sacrifices and stuff.  Then the priests took the Ark into the temple and placed it below the wings of the cherubim. Then a huge cloud fills the inside of the temple (a representation of Yahweh's presence) and the priests can't continue their rituals so they have to leave the temple.
King Solomon then tells Yahweh that this temple is his (Yahweh's) new home.  Then he explains that this temple is a fulfillment of Yahweh's promise to take care of Israel and blah blah.
King Solomon then says a long prayer of dedication and hope for blessing from Yahweh which also includes how the temple will also be used as a place of judgement to determine who is guilty and innocent as well as a place of prayer and sanctuary.  He then also says that foreigners will hear about the power of Yahweh and will also come to the temple and pray and stuff and in this way they will come to know about and FEAR him, just as the people of Israel do (whoa!)!  He then asks of Yahweh to bless this Israelites with the power to smite their enemies when they pray to him, and if they should sin and end up being defeated by their enemies (as a result of Yahweh being angry with them (the Israelites)) then Yahweh should allow for them to pray with all of their heart and soul towards the direction of the temple and then Yahweh will have mercy on them.
Then King Solomon blesses the congregation and the nation before sacrificing a mind-boggling 22,000 cattle and 120,000 sheep and goats!!  Then they consecrated the front of the temple before celebrating the Sukkot for 14 days and then blessing the king and going home happy.

9- So everything was finished being built (it took 20 years!).  Then Yahweh appears to King Solomon and reiterates that as long as the king and his people follow the rules of Yahweh then everything will be cool, but if they disobey him or break his rules then he will seriously fuck them up.
Anyway, in return for all of King Hiram's help, King Solomon gives over 20 Israelite towns to Tyre.  However, King Hiram thinks these are just really shitty villages, but still gives 9000 pounds of gold as a gift of his "generosity" (the region that King Solomon gave to Tyre became known as "Cabul" ("Worthless" hahaha).
We also learn about all the infrastructure development King Solomon facilitated; besides the palace and temple, he also built cities such as Hazor, Megiddo, Lower Beth-horon, Baalath, and Tamar, and he also rebuilt the city Gezer, which had been conquered by an invading Egyptian army at some point in the past but had been given back to Israel as a wedding present when King Solomon married the pharaoh's daughter.  He also built a bunch of towns for resources and supplies and bases for his armies and shit.  At this point, it seems like King Solomon is basically Israel's version of Augustus Caesar in terms of governing.
Oh, and it's also worth noting that all of this stuff was built by the non-Hebrew Canaanites (who hadn't been completely exterminated (and/or sacrificed to Yahweh) by the cult when they invaded) such as the Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites, all of whom Solomon had enslaved.  Of course, no Hebrews were enslaved, as they were typically soldiers, government officials, etc.
Solomon also starts to build up a naval fleet at Ezion-geber (a port town on the coast of the Red Sea), and we learn that he sends some (trading?) ships to a place called Ophir, and when the ships return they have a shitload of gold.  Interestingly enough, we have no idea where this place actually was, but archaeological evidence suggests that it was indeed a real place!  Scholars and kooks alike have proposed everywhere from India to Atlantis!!  Pretty cool actually.
Last, we find out that Solomon built a new palace for his queen (the pharaoh's daughter (she still doesn't have a name!)).

10- We find out that the Queen of Sheba (it seems like most scholars these days believe that this is referring to the kingdom of Sheba (AKA Saba) in modern-day Yemen) heard about the glory of Israel and how it was the epicenter for the cult of Yahweh, so she decided to check it out for herself.  She arrived with a bunch of treasure and tribute and stuff to show off the wealth of Sheba.  When she speaks with Solomon, she finds out that he's this insanely genius dude who can answer any question she might have about anything.  Overall she was incredibly impressed with everything about the kingdom.  So, because of all the treasure the queen brought (which coincided with ships from Ophir carrying a bunch of treasure), Israel was very rich indeed!  Solomon then gave the queen a bunch of gifts in return, and she was on her way.
Anyway, so King Solomon is a baller and receives so much tribute and money from merchants, traders, Arabian kings, his own governors, etc.  King Solomon then made a bunch of golden shields and put them up in his Palace of the Forest of Lebanon.  He also made a badass throne.  We also learn that he had a bunch of golden goblets and eating utensils too.  Oh, and during this time, silver is completely worthless!
Also, we find out that every three years there's a ship that comes in from King Hiram bringing gold, silver (I thought it was worthless!?), ivory, peacocks, and monkeys (haha).  At this point, King Solomon is like the richest and smartest dude in the world and has more treasure and shit than anyone else.
We also find out that Solomon has a shitload of chariots and horses all over the kingdom.  His horses were imported from Egypt and Cilicia and exported to the Hittites and Aram.

11- During this time, King Solomon has a giant harem full of wives (700!) and concubines (300!) from a wide variety of nationalities.  Unfortunately for him and the people of Yahweh, this was against Yahweh's instructions of not marrying any non-cult members.  And sure enough, Yahweh was right!  King Solomon began to forget about ol' Yahweh, and started worshiping the gods Ashtoreth, Molech, and Chemosh instead, most likely due to these being the gods of his wives/concubines (what a fucking idiot!!  He's supposed to be like the smartest, wisest dude ever!!)... uh-oh!!
Anyway, so Yahweh is obviously royally pissed off at this point.  As a result, he informs Solomon that he (Solomon) has broken his covenant with Yahweh, and so as a consequence Yahweh will make it so that Solomon's son (with the crown going to one of his (Solomon's) servants instead) won't inherit the throne.  However, Solomon's son will be allowed to be ruler over just one tribe (so essentially the land will be split between Solomon's son and his servant/servant's son).
Yahweh then gives his power to a dude named Hadad the Edomite, a member of the royal family of Edom.  Remember when King David conquered the kingdom of Edom (mentioned in 2 Samuel 8)?  We find out that Joab spent 6 months after conquering the kingdom killing EVERY Edomite male there.  Anyway, Hadad (just a boy at the time) and some of his family members managed to escape to Egypt.  There they were given shelter by the pharaoh, who actually became so fond of Hadad that he gave him his wife's (Queen Tahpenes') sister for marriage. Hadad and his wife have a kid named Genubath, and he is raised at the pharaoh's palace among the pharaoh's own sons and family and shit. Anyway, when Hadad hears that both King David and Joab were both deceased, he tells the pharaoh that he wants to return home to the land of Edom (currently territory of the kingdom of Israel).
Meanwhile, Yahweh also sews the seeds of more chaos by giving his power to a dude named Rezon, who was the current king of the state of Aram-Damascus.  Rezon hated Israel because they were expanding northwards and shit.
We then find out about yet another dude that Yahweh has chosen to oppose King Solomon- Jeroboam (one of his court officials!).  Jeroboam is informed of his role in being chosen by Yahweh to oppose King Solomon when he is traveling outside of Jerusalem and approached by Ahijah, a prophet from Shiloh. Ahijah tears his cloak into 12 pieces, and then gives 10 of the pieces to Jeroboam as a symbol of the number of the tribes of Israel that Jeroboam will have direct control over as a result of King Solomon abandoning his faith.  However, King Solomon is still to remain king until he dies naturally, but once he dies all bets are off and Jeroboam will be king of Israel instead and rule over 10 of the 12 tribes.  However, in order to honor King David's lineage, King Solomon's son will be able to rule as king in Jerusalem, but over one measly tribe only.  And, as always, as long as Jeroboam honors Yahweh, he will be blessed by him.  Also, because of Solomon's grave sin, his descendants will be punished, but not forever.  Anyway, eventually King Solomon finds out about this and tries to have Jeroboam killed, but he (Jeroboam) manages to escape and flees to King Shishak, the pharaoh of Egypt (Shoshenq I), where he remained until King Solomon died.
Anyway, we then learn that the rest of King Solomon's life are recorded in a text titled "The Book of the Acts of Solomon", but this actually a lost text :( So we don't really know what it actually said (or if it even existed at all).
Anyway, King Solomon continues his reign until he finally croaks, having ruled over Israel for 40 years.  He was buried in Jerusalem and replaced by his son, King Rehoboam.

12- Anyway, so Rehoboam then goes to the city of Shechem to be enthroned as the new king of Israel.  While he's there, Jeroboam shows up with his entourage and tells the new king (along with the rest of the people of Israel) that life was tough under King Solomon, and that they want Rehoboam to change the tax and labor laws so that they're not as harsh.  Rehoboam then tells everyone that he'll have to think about it for three days.  So, he discusses this matter with his advisers, and while the older ones tell him that he should do what the people want, the younger ones say that he should instead teach the common folk a lesson by INCREASING taxes and making the labor laws even HARSHER ("My father beat you with whips, but I will beat you with scorpions!")!!  Three days later, he repeats this to the public.  However, we find out that the reason why this was all happening was because of Yahweh (of course), who wanted to fulfill his promise to Jeroboam.  So, the people start to revolt.  In response to this, the king sent Adoniram to restore order, but the people ended up murdering him instead.  Fearing for his life, Rehoboam fled back to the safety of Jerusalem.  From that day forward, the northern region of the kingdom would never be ruled by a descendant of King David again.  Thus, Jeroboam was named the new king of Israel by all the tribes, with the exception of the tribe of Judah, who stayed loyal to King Rehoboam.
Back in Jerusalem, King Rehoboam raised an army of 180,000 warriors among the tribes of Judah and Benjamin (I thought only Judah was loyal to him still?) to crush the rebellion.  However, Yahweh intervenes via a prophet named Shemaiah by having him tell everyone that Yahweh doesn't want the tribes to fight each other; because of this, the army falls apart and the warriors all return home.
Anyway, so the newly christened King Jeroboam made Shechem the capital of his new kingdom.  However, he quickly becomes paranoid about the people shifting their loyalty back to King Rehoboam since they will have to travel to Solomon's Temple in Jerusalem (King Rehoboam's territory).  Because of this, King Jeroboam makes the excellent decision to build two golden calf statues (uh-oh) for his own people to worship (whyyyyy), based on this recommendation of his idiot advisers.  Then he told everyone that they should worship these golden calves because they represented the real gods that freed the Hebrews from their slavery in Egypt (as opposed to it being the work of Yahweh).  Of course, his people listen to him and start worshiping the golden calf idols.  He then created another grievous sin by allowing for priests to be ordained from ANY Hebrew tribe (as opposed to limiting this role to the Levites).  Also, in order to compete with the traditional Feast of the Tabernacles (Sukkot), King Jeroboam made his own religious holiday to mirror it in accordance with this new pagan religion.  Then the king himself participated in the religious ceremonies and shit.

13- Yahweh then sends a prophet from Judah to the city of Bethel.  There he goes to the place of worship for the golden calves, where King Jeroboam happens to be praying at that time.  Yahweh then has the prophet yell out a prophecy- a child named Josiah will be born (his lineage will be of the House of David).  This Josiah will slay the pagan priests who worship here by sacrificing them on this very altar and then burning their bones.  Also, in order to prove that this prophecy really was in the name of Yahweh, he says that the pagan altar will be split open!  Of course, King Jeroboam tries to silence this prophet and points to him when he's commanding his guards to subdue him, but Yahweh (I'm assuming) causes his hand to freeze in place.  At the same time, a huge fissure forms in the altar, splitting it down the middle. This all really freaks out the king (understandably so), so he begs for the prophet to unfreeze his hand.  The prophet kindly prays to Yahweh to release the king's hand, and Yahweh does so.  The king then tries to befriend the prophet, but he (the prophet) declines, saying that Yahweh has forbid him (the prophet) from eating or drinking anything in the city.  Then he leaves.
Meanwhile, there's another prophet (an old man) who lives in Bethel (the other prophet was from out of town) and he hears about what happened to the king from his son(s).  So, this old prophet grabs his donkey and leaves town in search of the other prophet; eventually, he (the old prophet) finds him (the other prophet) under a big tree.  The old prophet asks the other prophet to go back with him and eat at his house, but the other prophet explains that he can't eat or drink anything in Bethel because of Yahweh has forbidden him from doing so.  However, the old prophet tells him that it's OK for him to eat at his house in Bethel because an angel of Yahweh told him to bring the other prophet back to his house to eat and drink.  However, this was a lie (why would he lie?  Maybe this was a test from Yahweh?).  Tricked, the other prophet went back to the old prophet's house and ate and drank there.
Of course, Yahweh is royally pissed off that the other prophet disobeyed him (Yahweh), so he possesses the old prophet and makes him say that the other prophet has disobeyed Yahweh and that he's cursed to not be buried with his ancestors (?)!  Anyway, the other prophet doesn't seem too upset by this because he just finishes his meal and then leaves, but on his way home a lion kills him!  When the old prophet hears about this, he says that it makes sense because the other prophet disobeyed Yahweh.  Then the old prophet got on his donkey and went out to the site where the other prophet had been killed, and there he finds the lion and the other prophet's donkey still there (the lion hadn't killed the other prophet's donkey for whatever reason).  Then he takes the corpse of the other prophet back to Bethel and buries him in a grave.  Then he tells his sons to bury him (the old prophet) in the same grave when he dies.
Anyway, despite the incident at the pagan altar and everything else that has taken place, King Jeroboam still continues to disobey Yahweh by worshiping other gods and choosing priests from the common folk and shit like that.  Because of these sins, the king's dynasty was doomed.

14- We then find out that King Jeroboam has a son named Abijah who is sick.  So, he tells his queen (possibly an Egyptian princess named Ano) to disguise herself and go to the prophet Ahijah in Shiloh with some gifts.  When she meets with him, she is to ask him about the fate of their son.  However, Yahweh had already prepped Ahijah about this, and had instructed him about what to say.  Anyway, so the queen meets with Ahijah, and he immediately tells her that he knows she's in disguise and that also he has a message from Yawheh- Yahweh is royally pissed off at King Jeroboam, whom Yahweh accuses of being the most evil man that has ever lived in the history of the world, and that Yahweh will utterly destroy his dynasty ("I will burn up your royal dynasty as one burns up trash until it is all gone. The members of Jeroboam’s family who die in the city will be eaten by dogs, and those who die in the field will be eaten by vultures."  Brutal as fuck!!)!  Oh, and then Ahijah says that when she returns back to town, Abijah will die.  Also, Ahijah says that Yahweh will have another king rise up in the kingdom to usurp the throne and destroy Jeroboam's family. Last, Ahijah finally adds that Yahweh is so fucking angry he's going to scatter the people of the kingdom to beyond the Euphrates River, abandoning the people just as they have abandoned him.  After this, just as Ahijah said, when the queen returns to the city of Tirzah (I thought the capital was Shechem?), Abijah dies.  A funeral is then held for the boy and everyone is sad.
Anyway, according to the text the rest of King Jeroboam's reign is detailed in the "Book of the Kings of Judah and Israel", but this is unfortunately a lost book :(  All we know is that King Jeroboam ruled the Kingdom of Israel for 22 years before croaking and being replaced by his son, King Nadab.
Meanwhile in the Kingdom of Judah, Rehoboam had been ruling as king.  However, they weren't fairing much better than their brothers to the north in terms of remaining in Yahweh's good graces, as they too were beginning to worship pagan gods and erecting shrines to them and shit.  There's even temple prostitutes everywhere (both male and female!).
Also, both kingdoms start fighting wars against each other, and Egypt even gets in on the action when King Shishak (Shoshenq I) invades the Kingdom of Judah, whereupon he sacked Jerusalem, plundering Solomon's Temple and stealing all of the treasure and shit.  I guess eventually the Egyptian army was driven off tho, because it doesn't seem like the kingdom was occupied by the Egyptians after this.
Anyway, the rest of King Rehoboam's reign is detailed in the "Book of the Kings of Judah and Israel", but, as we know, this is a lost book, so we don't know much else except that he ruled for 17 years in total and his son (also named Abijah, just to be confusing) replaced him as king when he (Rehoboam) died.

15- Anyway, while Jeroboam was king of the Northern Kingdom, Abijam (great-grandson of Absalom) was king of the Kingdom of Judah.   He and the people of Judah continued the same sins as before, so Yahweh obviously just grew increasingly more and more pissed off.  However, Yahweh holds off on punishing the kingdom for now out of honor for King David, whom Yahweh apparently holds in extremely high esteem even though he (David) pissed him (Yahweh) off all the time (especially during the "Uriah the Hittite" incident).  As noted in the last chapter, during this time the Northern Kingdom and the Kingdom of Judah fought wars against each other, which we don't have details of because all of that info was in the "Book of the Kings of Judah and Israel", which, as we know, is lost.  Anyway, eventually King Abijam croaks, and he's replaced by his son, King Asa (Rehoboam is still king of the Northern Kingdom!).
However, it looks like King Asa tried to restore the faith of Yahweh to the kingdom by destroying all the pagan idols and kicking out all of the temple prostitutes and stuff.  He even went so far as to demote his grandmother Naamah from her position as "queen mother" due to her continued pagan beliefs and practices, including burning her Asherah pole.  However, he still failed to remove all of the pagan shrines from the kingdom, but he continued to honor Yahweh in everything that he did.
Meanwhile in the Northern Kingdom, King Nadab was continuing the same policies as his dad (King Jeroboam) and living a sinful lifestyle and allowing for his people to do the same.  However, a dude named Baasha (tribe of Issachar) finally had enough of King Nadab's bullshit (I'm assuming he (Baasha) was a die-hard Yahweh fanatic), so he straight up assassinated the king while he (Nadab) was attacking a Philistine town and declared himself king of the Northern Kingdom!  Then King Baasha declared a purge of all of his political enemies, so he has all of the members of the House of King Jeroboam and Nadab executed (this fulfilled the prophecy that Ahijah of Shiloh had made (while he was possessed by Yahweh).  So basically, this all happened because Yahweh had been so pissed off at King Jeroboam. Anyway, for more information King Nadab, we're informed that there's more info in the "Book of the Kings of Judah and Israel" (the lost book).  We also find out that King Baasha's capital was the city of Tirzah.
Despite these changes, war continued between the Northern Kingdom and the Kingdom of Judah.  At one point, King Baasha invaded the city of Ramah (located in north Judah), conquered it, and then fortified it.  Because of this, King Asa took all of the treasure that was being stored in Solomon's Temple and sent it to King Hadad of the Kingdom of Aram-Damascus in order to set up a peace treaty between Judah and Aram-Damascus and for Aram-Damascus to break its peace treaty with the Northern Kingdom.  Apparently, King Hadad seemed like this was a pretty good offer, so he did as he was instructed, and even went so far as to actually send an army to attack the Northern Kingdom, taking over some small towns.  This attack on the Northern Kingdom caused King Baasha to abandon his project of fortifying Ramah, and so he withdrew his forces back into the Northern Kingdom to fight off King Hadad's forces.  King Asa then summoned all of the people of Judah to help de-fortify Ramah and fortify other towns instead (why wouldn't they just keep Ramah fortified?).
Anyway, the rest of King Asa's reign is, of course, detailed in the lost "Book of the Kings of Judah and Israel".  We also learn that in his old age, King Asa got really diseased feet (gross).  Eventually, he croaks and is replaced his son, King Jehoshaphat.
Meanwhile in the Northern Kingdom, King Baasha ends up being a shitty king and reverting back to the sinful ways of the kings before him (so obviously this is just going to piss off Yahweh even more).

16- King Baasha is approached by a prophet named Jehu (son of the prophet Hanani) who has a message from Yahweh- you (Baasha) fucked up, so you and your family are doomed!  Also, Jehu tells King Baasha that those of his family who die in the city will be eaten by dogs, and those who die in the countryside will be eaten by vultures!  However, it looks like we don't really get the juicy details about King Baasha's downfall because the rest of his reign is detailed in the lost "Book of the Kings of Judah and Israel", so all we know is that when King Baasha finally croaks he's replaced by his son, King Elah.  Additional details about the rest of King Elah's reign is chronicled in the lost "Book of the Kings of Judah and Israel", but for now we it's important to know that King Elah wouldn't last as king for long because after two years he was killed (while getting drunk) by a general named Zimri.  Of course, Zimri then crowned himself king, and kicked off his reign by having a purge of his political enemies (i.e. King Baasha's family) via mass executions (including distant relatives and even friends of the kings!).  All of this happened in accordance with Yahweh's will (and Jehu's prophecy) because of King Baasha's sins.  Anyway, additional details about the rest of King Elah's reign is chronicled in the lost "Book of the Kings of Judah and Israel".
However, King Zimri's reign would only last seven days!  When he took over, the Northern Kingdom's army decided to rebel and install their own general, Omri, as king instead.  So, the army besieged Tirzah, and King Zimri, knowing that he was doomed, decided to commit suicide by going into the citadel of the palace and setting it on fire.  I guess he deserved this, though, because we find out that he was "evil" in the eyes of Yahweh so he got what was coming to him.  And, as always, additional details about the rest of King Zimri's reign are chronicled in the lost "Book of the Kings of Judah and Israel".  So now King Omri is ruling over the Northern Kingdom!
Unfortunately, at this point the Northern Kingdom is split between supporting King Omri and another dude named Tibni.  However, King Omri quickly puts an end to this by killing off Tibni and crushing his support, so King Omri's reign is ultimately undisputed.  After ruling for six years, King Omri decides that he wants to build a new capital, so he got a bunch of silver and bought a hill from a dude named Shemer.  He then built his new capital on that hill, naming it Samaria (after its previous owner).  That's why scholars sometimes refer to the Northern Kingdom as the Kingdom of Israel (Samaria) so as to not confuse it with the Kingdom of Israel (the united monarchy, as it was before its split).  Of course, King Omri ends up being more evil (in the eyes of Yahweh) then all of the kings before him, so we know that some bad shit is going to happen to him (or his descendants) ASAP.  And, as always, additional details about the rest of King Omri's reign are chronicled in the lost "Book of the Kings of Judah and Israel".
Anyway, after establishing the new capital of Samaria, King Omri croaks after six more years and is replaced by his son, King Ahab.  However, King Ahab is even more evil than his dad!  He even goes so far as to marry Princess Jezebel (daughter of Ithobaal I of Sidon (or Tyre, both cities were united and considered the same kingdom at this time)), who converted him to her pagan religion of worshiping the god Baal. King Ahab even went so far as to build a temple to Baal in Samaria.  He also set up an Asherah pole as well, although at this point I'm sure it didn't really matter because we all know Yahweh probably can't get any more pissed off.  In fact, it even says that Yahweh is more pissed off at King Ahab than ANY of the other kings of Israel before him!  Damn!
Anyway, this chapter ends with us randomly finding out that a dude named Hiel rebuilt the city of Jericho, but while doing so experiences the death of both his eldest son (Abiram) and his youngest son (Segub).  I guess this detail is important because it fulfills the prophecy that Joshua made after destroying the city during his conquest of the region that anyone who tries to rebuild the city will be cursed by Yahweh!

17- Randomly some dude named Elijah tells King Ahab that he is a man of Yahweh and that it won't rain until he says it will.  Then Yahweh tells Elijah to leave and to go to where the Kerith Brook meets the Jordan River, and hide there.  To survive, Elijah is to drink water from the brook and eat the food that will be brought to him by ravens of Yahweh.  So Elijah follows Yahweh's instructions, and it seems to be working out OK but eventually the brook runs dry (there's no rain!).  What's Elijah supposed to do now??
Yahweh then contacts Elijah and tells him to go the village of Zarephath and meet up with a widow who will look after him.  So, Elijah does this, and sure enough just outside of the village there's a widow gathering up some sticks and shit.  Elijah asks the widow for some food and water, but she tells him that she doesn't have enough food to give him, and that she was actually just about to cook a final meal for her and her son before dying!  However, Elijah tells her not to worry and that actually Yahweh will take care of them, and sure enough he's right!  Because of this, Elijah hangs out with the widow and her son for many days.  However, eventually the widows' son gets sick and dies :(  Obviously, the widow is extremely distraught, and blames Elijah for her son's death, and so Elijah doesn't really know what else to do except carry the boy's corpse back up to his room and ask Yahweh why the boy died.  OK, this next part is a little weird- he then "stretches out over the boy three times" (whatever that means) and begged for Yahweh to resurrect the boy, and sure enough Yahweh brings the boy back to life!  This proved to the widow that Elijah was truly a man of Yahweh.

18- After three years (!), Yahweh told Elijah to go tell King Ahab that it will rain soon (finally!).  So Elijah went and did this.
Because there had been a severe drought, famine was a huge problem in the Kingdom of Israel (Samaria).  As a result, King Ahab summoned his courtier Obadiah and told him to search the land for some grass so that they'd at least be able to save the kingdom's horses and mules.  We also find out that Obadiah was a devout follower of Yahweh, and that one time he hid 100 prophets of Yahweh in some caves because Queen Jezebel was trying to kill all of them.  Anyway, so the two (King Ahab and Obadiah) go their own ways to try and find some grass.
As Obadiah is traveling he encounters Elijah, whom presumably he recognizes from the court of King Ahab.  Elijah tells Obadiah to tell King Ahab that he's (Elijah) returned and would like to meet with him (King Ahab), but Obadiah freaks out.  Apparently, King Ahab had ordered for the search of Elijah (presumably because they wanted some answers for when the drought would end!).  However, they had searched for him for three years and couldn't find him, so I guess Obadiah was scared to go back and tell the king that he had seen Elijah because if they try to find him and he's not there (presumably because Yahweh will have hidden him again), he'll be executed for wasting everyone's time. However, Elijah assures Obadiah that he should have no fear!  So, Obadiah tells King Ahab that Elijah has returned, and sure enough when King Ahab goes out to meet Elijah he's still there.  When they meet, King Ahab accuses Elijah of being a troublemaker (maybe believing (falsely) that he (Elijah) is the one responsible for the drought (like he's a wizard or something), but Elijah says that actually, KING AHAB and his family are the troublemakers because they don't follow Yahweh and worship Baal instead!!  Then Elijah tells King Ahab to summon 450 prophets of Baal, 400 prophets of Asherah, and all of the people of the kingdom to Mount Carmel.
Anyway, so King Ahab does this, and everyone meets at Mount Carmel.  Then Elijah calls everyone out on their shit, essentially saying that they need to choose between worshiping Yahweh or the other gods; Yahweh doesn't allow for any pussyfootin' around!  After this, Elijah calls for two bulls to be slaughtered and for the meat to be laid on an altar.  He then says for the prophets to call on their gods to light the altar on fire, and he will do the same (but will call on Yahweh).  Whoever can make their altar catch on fire wins.  Then he tells them to go first.  So, the Baal-worshipers pray for a long time, and when this doesn't work they start cutting themselves up and screaming and shit; Elijah is mocking them the entire time (he even made a joke that Baal was busy taking a shit, among other things!). Of course, nothing happens.  Then Elijah tells everyone to gather round while he repairs an altar to Yahweh that had previously been torn down, and then he took twelve stones (each one representing one of the 12 Tribes of Israel) to set up a new altar to Yahweh.  Once the altar was complete, he had the people pour water all over the meat of the bull that he had slaughtered.  Once this ritual preparation was complete, Elijah called upon the power of Yahweh and, sure enough, fire shot down from the sky and set the altar on fire!!  Of course, the people all instantly became believers in Yahweh.  However, Elijah gave zero fucks about the prophets of Baal (what about the prophets of Asherah?) and orders for them to be seized and executed!!
Anyway, so after this Elijah tells King Ahab that he hears a storm coming, so he tells the king to go "get something to eat and drink" (take shelter?), and then prays while he tells his servant to go look out to the sea.  The servant doesn't see anything so he returns to Elijah and tells him this, and Elijah tells him to look again.  This happens SIX more times (haha), but on the seventh time the servant says that he sees a little cloud rising from the sea.  Then Elijah tells his servant to tell King Ahab to hurry home, or else he'll get caught in the storm.  So, King Ahab hurries to the fortress of Jezreel on his chariot.  However, with the power of Yahweh, Elijah runs so fast that he actually arrives at Jezreel before the king (haha)!

19- Anyway, so King Ahab arrives back at Jezreel and tells Queen Jezebel everything that happened.  Of course, Jezebel insanely pissed off at Elijah, so she sends a message to Elijah telling him that if she hasn't killed him by this same time tomorrow, may the gods strike her dead!  This freaks out Elijah, so he runs off into the wilderness to hide.  However, he's really tired of all the drama so he lays down under a tree and prays for Yahweh to just kill him and put him out of his misery.  However, as he's sleeping he gets woken up by an angel of Yahweh wakes him up and gives him some food.  Then he goes back to sleep.  Then this same thing with the angel waking him up and giving him food happens again.  After this, he finally wakes up and then journeys for 40 days to Mount Sinai, where he spends the night in a cave.
While Elijah's chilling in the cave (the next day?), Yahweh starts talking to him and asking him why he's there.  Elijah tells him that everyone in the kingdom hates him (Elijah) and has broken their covenant with Yahweh and killed all of his prophets and shit.  Responding to this, Yahweh tells Elijah to go outside and stand on the mountain.  Before Elijah can do this, Yahweh himself passes the mountain and this is followed by a huge windstorm hits the mountain.  This is followed by an earthquake, followed by a fire! Then Elijah hears a voice asking him the same question that Yahweh asked earlier.  Of course, Elijah answers with the same response he gave before.  In response to this, Yahweh instructs Elijah to the Kingdom of Aram-Damascus, and when he gets there he is to anoint some dude named Hazael to be the new king of Aram-Damascus (were they worshipers of Yahweh too?  Why would they care if Elijah anoints this dude as their king?).  After this, Elijah is to anoint some dude named Jehu to be king of the Kingdom of Israel (Samaria).  Finally, Elijah is to anoint some dude named Elisha to be the new prophet of Yahweh (replacing Elijah).  Then Yahweh says any enemies who escape from Hazael's wrath will be killed by Jehu, and any who escape Jehu's wrath will be killed by Elisha!  Ultimately, though, Yahweh says that not everyone in this upcoming war will be slaughtered by Hazael & Co., as there were 7000 Israelites who continued to maintain their faith in Yahweh and never submitted to Baal.
Anyway, so Elijah follows Yahweh's instructions and goes to Aram-Damascus, where he finds Elisha plowing a field.  Then he runs over and throws his cloak over him (Elisha), and then leaves.  Elisha says that he's going to say goodbye to his parents first before he leaves with Elijah.  However, before saying goodbye he slaughters some oxen and feeds his town before heading out with Elijah.

20- Meanwhile in the Kingdom of Aram-Damascus, King Hadad decided to attack the Kingdom of Israel (Samaria) with a huge army (which included allied forces from 32 (!) other kings!  This army was able to get all the way to the capital, which they immediately began to besiege.  King Hadad then sent a message to King Ahab inside the city telling him to give up all of his gold, silver, wives/concubines, and (best) children (?).  Unable to drive off King Hadad's forces, King Ahab acquiesced.  King Hadad then says that he'll send his men in tomorrow to pick up everything, but that he's also going to to do the same to all the government officials as well!  King Ahab then summons an audience with all of the elder leaders of the kingdom, and they tell him that now King Hadad is going too far, so King Ahab relays this message back to King Hadad.  Of course, this really pisses off King Hadad, so he essentially tells King Ahab to prepare for a total annihilation of the kingdom and then prepares for battle while drinking with the other kings and shit.
Meanwhile, King Ahab is visited by a prophet of Yahweh.  The prophet tells the king that Yahweh will help the king achieve victory if he follows with Yahweh's plan.  Then King Ahab learns that all he has to do is attack first with his troops, so on the next day, before King Hadad's forces attack, King Ahab's forces strike first while King Hadad and the other kings are still drinking!  Although this is initially not a huge problem for King Hadad's huge army, they realize they might be in trouble when his scouts report that provincial forces have also arrived to join the battle.
Of course, the Israelites prove victorious against King Hadad's forces, so they end up fleeing; while the king and some others escape, most of the Aram-Damascus army is completely slaughtered (including the horses!).   The prophet of Yahweh then warned King Ahab that this war isn't over, as King Hadad's forces will return by the spring of the following year.
Back in Aram-Damascus, King Hadad's officers are trying to figure out why they lost against the Israelites, and they come to the conclusion that it's because the Israelites have gods that dwell in the hills, but if they can somehow engage the Israelite forces on an open plain away from the hills, then they will succeed!  Also, instead of having other kings as commanders, these kings should be replaced with field commanders instead.  So, King Hadad followed this advice and raised another huge army.  This time around they try to engage King Ahab's forces in a different location (presumably away from hills and on a flat plain), but the same shit happens (Yahweh's prophet comes and tells King Ahab to attack first, so King Ahab does this and King Hadad's forces are defeated).  However, this time around, King Hadad isn't able to escape back to Aram-Damascus, and ends up hiding in a secret room somewhere with some of his other officers.  However, the officers discuss the situation and come to the conclusion that the Israelites are a merciful people, so perhaps by begging for mercy they'll be allowed to live.  So, they come out and try to appeal to King Ahab and tell him that King Hadad was begging for mercy.  Surprisingly, King Ahab is quite warm to this idea, and actually says that he'll grant mercy to King Hadad because King Hadad is his brother (?).  So, King Hadad's men go and retrieve King Hadad, and King Ahab then meets with King Hadad.  King Hadad tells King Ahab that he (King Hadad) will give back some territory that Aram-Damascus had taken from the Kingdom of Israel (Samaria) and will also allow for trade to be set up between Damascus and Samaria.  This sounds good enough for King Ahab, so he decides to release King Hadad and let him return home.
Meanwhile, Yahweh starts causing some mischief by having one of his prophets go up to a random dude and ask him (the random dude) to hit him (the prophet).  However, the random dude refuses to hit the prophet (obviously), so the prophet then tells the random dude that because the random dude disobeyed the word of Yahweh, a lion will eat him (the random dude) when he (the prophet) leaves.  Sure enough, this happens, and a lion eats the random dude (wtf).  Then the prophet goes up to another random dude and asks him (the other random dude) to hit him (the prophet), but this time the other random dude does so and punches him (the prophet) in the face.
Then the prophet hung out on the side of the road with a bandage over his face in order to look like a wounded soldier, so when King Ahab and his men pass by he (the prophet) tells the king that he (the prophet) was a wounded soldier and that he was guarding a prisoner but the prisoner escaped, and that because the prisoner escaped he was doomed to be executed unless he paid a fine of some silver.  However, King Ahab gives zero fucks about this story and tells the prophet that he's SOL.  Of course, the prophet then takes the bandage off and reveals that he's not a wounded soldier but actually a prophet of Yahweh, and once King Ahab realizes this the prophet tells him that Yahweh is really pissed off because Yahweh had instructed King Ahab to completely annihilate King Hadad and his enemies, and by sparing King Hadad, King Ahab was now doomed to die in his (King Hadad's) place.  Likewise, the people of his (King Ahab's) kingdom were now doomed to die in place of King Hadad's troops!!  Of course, this really pisses off King Ahab (rightly so!  Yahweh is being an asshole!), and he returns home.

21- Meanwhile, the scene shifts to Jezreel where we meet a dude named Naboth who owns a vineyard next to King Ahab's palace.  Apparently, this vineyard is really nice, so King Ahab offers to either buy it from Naboth or trade him for another, nicer vineyard.  However, Naboth rejects both of these offers because he says that Yahweh has forbidden him from giving away anything that was passed down to him by his ancestors.  Of course, this pisses off King Ahab, so he returns back to the palace and pouts.  Then he talks to Queen Jezebel about what's going on, and she gets pissed off too but tells the king not to worry about it- she'll take care of it!
So, the queen then writes a letter to the elders of the kingdom telling them to gather in Jezreel for a ceremony or something (involves fasting), but at this event two people are to accuse Naboth of cursing Yahweh; Naboth is then to be executed via stoning!  Surprisingly, the elders seem to agree to this, and her plan works out perfectly!  Naboth is stoned to death and King Ahab then goes down to his (Naboth's) vineyard to claim it as his (Ahab's) own.  However, of course Yahweh is pissed off about all of this stuff, so he tells Elijah to go and shame King Ahab about what's happened ("Because you have done this, dogs will lick your blood at the very place where they licked the blood of Naboth!" Kind of a cool line).  Then Elijah says that Yahweh will destroy King Ahab's family and kill all of his sons and blah blah.  Also, Jezebel will be devoured by dogs, as will any of Ahab's family who are in the city; any of Ahab's family who are in the country will be devoured by vultures!  In reaction to this, King Ahab suddenly begins to repent, tear his clothes, fast, wear a hair shirt, sink into a deep depression, etc.  Because of King Ahab's reaction, Yahweh then tells Elijah that he's (Yahweh) changed his mind and that he's actually not going to destroy King Ahab, but he will still destroy his sons and dynasty.  So I guess that's a little nice of him (Yahweh).

22- Anyway, for three years there's no war between Damascus-Aram and the Kingdom of Israel (Samaria).  However, during the third year King Jehoshaphat of the Kingdom of Judah came up to visit King Ahab, and during their talks King Ahab suggests that Judah help his kingdom recover the city of Ramoth-Gilead (which had been conquered by Damascus-Aram).  King Jehoshaphat agrees to help, but first wants to seek the counsel of Yahweh first to see what's best.  So, they summon a bunch of prophets of Yahweh, and they all agree that the kingdoms should launch an attack to reclaim the city, but there's one prophet missing- a dude named Micaiah.  However, King Ahab says that he hates Micaiah and doesn't want to seek his advice, but King Jehoshaphat wants to hear what Micaiah has to say so Ahab ends up caving in and summoning Micaiah to the court.
Anyway, so the kings and the prophets and everyone are waiting for Micaiah to show up, and while they're waiting one prophet, Zedekiah, ends up making some iron horns or something and shows them to the kings, telling them that with these horns they will gore the Arameans to death!  So it's kind of like a pep rally I guess.  While this is happening, the messenger who was given the task of bringing Micaiah back to the kings tells him that he (Micaiah) better agree with with all the other prophets in their cries for war, but Micaiah says that he DGAF and that he'll only say what Yahweh tells him to say.  So, when Micaiah finally arrives, King Ahab asks him what to do but Micaiah just gives a sarcastic response.  Of course, this pisses off the king, so he asks again, insisting that Micaiah tell the truth.  This time, Micaiah tells them that he had a vision in which he saw all of the people of the kingdom scattered on a mountain, like sheep without a shepherd, and in the vision Yahweh told him that their master had been killed so that's why they were all scattered.  Of course, this doesn't make Ahab happy, and he basically says "I told you so" to King Jehoshphat (Didn’t I tell you?” the king of Israel exclaimed to Jehoshaphat. “He never prophesies anything but trouble for me.”).  However, Micaiah isn't finished.  He continues on in describing his vision, saying that he actually saw Yahweh, seated on a throne and surrounded by a huge army on either side.  In the vision, Yahweh asks his various subjects how to entice King Ahab to reconquer the city of Ramoth-Gilead, and a spirit comes up with the idea of spreading lies to get all of the prophets in the land to goad the king into attacking the city and thus guaranteeing his doom, as willed by Yahweh himself.  When he finishes, Zedekiah then comes up to Micaiah and slaps him across the face, demanding to know at what point Yahweh left him (Zedekiah) and gave Micaiah this information.  However, Micaiah doesn't care if anyone believes him or not, essentially saying that they'll know soon enough when everything goes to shit.  Of course, King Ahab isn't happy with this, so he orders for Micaiah to be arrested and imprisoned until he (King Ahab) returns from the battle.  Before he's arrested, Micaiah then tells everyone that if King Ahab is victorious and successfully returns home, then he was lying and Yahweh wasn't actually speaking through him, but if Ahab doesn't successfully return home, then he (Micaiah) wasn't lying and Yahweh was indeed speaking through him!
Anyway, so the two allied armies go off to battle recapture the city of Ramoth-Gilead, but before the battle King Ahab tells King Jehoshaphat that he (Ahab) is going to disguise himself so that people don't recognize him as the king while he's in battle.  However, the Damascus-Aram's king had instructed his troops to focus on killing King Ahab only.  So, when the battle started, the Damascus-Aram troops mistook King Jehoshaphat for King Ahab and started chasing him around, but they soon realized that he wasn't actually King Ahab so they stopped.  As for King Ahab, he was actually hit by a random arrow from one of the enemy soldiers, and by later that evening he was dead.  Thus, because the king had died, his army crumbled and everyone fled.
There are more details about King Ahab's reign (including an ivory palace that he built) included in the lost "Book of the Kings of Judah and Israel", but obviously we don't have this book so we don't know this extra info.  We do find out, however, that he was replaced by his son, King Ahaziah.
Meanwhile, back in the Kingdom of Judah, King Jehoshaphat is still ruling, and his reign lasts for 25 years.  He seems to have done a pretty good job, as overall Yahweh is pretty happy with him.  However, he still was unsuccessful in removing all of the pagan shrines in the kingdom (although he did manage to get rid of all of the prostitutes), so there were still lots of people who worshiped other gods in the kingdom during this time.  He also tried to have a huge trading expedition sail to the city of Ophir, but was unsuccessful.  Like most/all of the other kings, more info about King Jehoshaphat can be found in the lost "Book of the Kings of Judah and Israel". When he died, he was replaced by his son, King Jehoram.
Meanwhile in the Kingdom of Israel (Samaria), King Ahaziah was a shitty king and only ruled for two years.  Furthermore, Yahweh hated him because he (Ahaziah) worshiped Baal!  Bad news for the kingdom!

2 SAMUEL

1- After fucking up the Amalekites, David and his warriors returned to Ziklag.  After a few days, a dude enters the camp who claimed to be an escaped POW who had been held captive by the Israelites.  He said that Saul and Jonathan were dead, and that the Israelites had been defeated in battle against the Philistines. He also says that he knows Saul is dead because Saul had asked him to kill him so he wouldn't be taken prisoner by the Philistines. So, the Amalekite prisoner did so.  This directly contradicts how Saul died in 1 Samuel, but whatever.  The ex-POW then reveals that he has Saul's crown and armband.  So obviously David and his army are really saddened by the news, so they mourn for awhile.  Then David executes that dude (!), because he killed Saul (who had been anointed by Yahweh).  Next, David then laments Saul's and Jonathan's deaths and says that all of Israel needs to memorize the lamentation and be taught archery properly or something.

2- David and Yahweh are having a chat, and Yahweh tells David to go to Hebron.  So David takes his family and warriors there, and they settle there.  Then they are visited by delegates from the tribe of Judah, and they anoint David as their king.  He then blesses the men who buried Saul for burying him properly.  However, all was still not well in Israel.  Although Saul was dead, Abner (the commander of his army) and Ish-Bosheth (another son of Saul's who I guess didn't die?) were not, and because his father was dead, Ish-Bosheth believed himself to be the next rightful king and had proclaimed all of Israel has his kingdom.  Judah, however, remained loyal to David.  So, both sides finally decided to meet at Gibeon to settle the matter.  Abner represented Ish-Bosheth, and a dude named Joab represented David.  I guess to break the ice or settle the matter or something, they decide to have a "game" in which their warriors fight in hand-to-hand combat in front of everyone.  Of course, David's men win.  Then in the chaos, Joab's brother Asahel starts chasing after Abner to kill him, and after Abner repeatedly warns Asahel to stop chasing him, he ends up killing Asahel with a spear.  Then Joab and his other brother, Abishai, pursued Abner to the Hill of Ammah (near Giah), where the Benjaminites rallied behind Abner.  Abner then calls out to Joab and tells him that this war is pointless and will just result in an endless cycle of bloodshed and civil war.  Joab realizes that Abner's right, so he stops his men from going into battle with Abner and the Benjaminites.  So then Abner and his men leave and they go to Mahanaim (across the Jordan River).  Joab then gathers his men together and they bury Asahel at their father's tomb in Bethlehem before going to Hebron.

3- The war between the clans of David and Saul continued for a long time, but David was winning.  Also at this point, David has gotten a harem of wives (Ahinoam, Abigail, Makaah, Haggith, Abital, Eglah), and during this time he has 6 sons (Amnon, Kileab, Absalom, Adonijah, Shephatiah, Ithream).  Meanwhile, Abner was increasing his power and influence in Saul's faction.  However, there was some drama when Ish-Bosheth accused Abner of banging Saul's concubine, Rizpah.  Naturally, this pissed off Abner, who defended himself angrily.
Anyway, so because of this, Abner sent messengers to David saying that he wanted to form an alliance, and David agrees, but only if he delivers to him his wife Michal (daughter of Saul, whom was given to David in exchange for 100 Philistine foreskins haha).  Abner agrees to this, but obviously this made Michal's new husband, Paltiel, really sad.  Abner then meets with the Benjaminites and tells David that all of Israel is ready to accept him as their king.
Later, Joab returns with some warriors after doing some raids, and finds out that Abner met with David and that David let him go in peace, which pisses him off.  Joab tells David that Abner is playing him for a fool and is just meeting with him to gain information and intelligence.  Joab then arranged a private meeting with Abner (unbeknownst to David).  When they were alone, Joab and Abishai killed Abner.  When David finds out, he's obviously pissed about this, so he curses Joab's family ("May Joab’s family never be without someone who has a running sore or leprosy or who leans on a crutch (possibly a homosexual euphemism) or who falls by the sword or who lacks food.”).  David then ordered a funeral procession for Abner, and they buried him in Hebron, where they held his funeral.  David also refused to eat until the sun went down.  Because of all of David's actions, the people believed that David was sincere in mourning, and this of course dramatically increased their respect and reverence for him as their king.  David then wills for Yahweh to take revenge on Joab and his family for the murder.

4- Meanwhile, when Ish-Bosheth heard about the death of Abner, he became really upset and distraught.  We're also introduced to two men who were sub-commanders of Ish-Bosheth who led raiding parties and stuff- Baanah and Rekab (from the tribe of Benjamin).  We also find out that Jonathan had a son named Mephibosheth, who was crippled because when he was a baby his nurse dropped him when fleeing from the Battle of Gilboa).  Anyway, for whatever reason Baanah and Rekab go to Ish-Bosheth's house in the middle of the day while Ish-Bosheth is taking a nap, and they kill him before leaving!  They stabbed him to death, decapitated him, and then took his head with them.  Baanah and Rekab then go and present the head to David, hoping to find favor with the new king.  Of course, just like with what happened with Saul, David gets really pissed off and has Baanah and Rekab executed via cutting off their hands and feet and then hanging their bodies near a pool in Hebron.  However, David had Ish-Bosheth's head buried at Abner's tomb.

5- Thus, all the tribes of Israel were now united under David as their king.  They all went to Hebron and pledged their loyalty to him.  David was 30 when he became king of Judah (where he reigned for 7 years), and then later reigned over all of Israel for 33 more years until his death.  However, Jerusalem was still being controlled by the Jebusites.   There's then some business about the "lame and blind" defending the city or something, but this is unclear as to what exactly this means.  Anyway, I guess David conquers the city or something and sets up shop in a fortress called The City of David (built on a hill called Zion).  Then David and his forces grew in power because they had Yahweh on their side.  So powerful was he that hoping to get on his good side, the Phoenician king Hiram of Tyre sent a bunch of materials and workers to Zion to build a palace for David.  Also, in the future David would end up taking more wives in Jerusalem (now the capital city of his kingdom), and have more children- Shammua, Shobab, Nathan, Solomon, Ibhar, Elishua, Nepheg, Japhia, Elishama, Eliada and Eliphelet.  The Philistines heard that David was amassing all this power, so they gathered a huge army to take him on.  David hears about this and consults with Yahweh, and Yahweh tells him to go forth and slay the Philistines!  So David then goes out with his army and fights the Philistines at a place called Baal Perazim ("the lord breaks out"), named after how David's army annihilated the Philistine army.  The Philistines then flee and abandon all of their idols, which the Israelites take as their plunder.  Then they fight another battle in which Yahweh tells David to take his army and sneak around some trees or something, and with the help of Yahweh of course they defeat the Philistine army.

6- David then gathered up 30,000 warriors to go to Baalah (in Judah) to get the ark.  They get it and then bring it back to Zion.  There they took it to the house of Abinadab.  The cart was being drawn by Uzzah and Ahio, Abinadab's sons.  Then they had a huge celebration with a bunch of musical instruments and stuff.
Anyway, at some point they carry the ark through a barn, but one of the oxen stumbles so Uzzah reaches out to keep the ark from falling off the cart.  However, this really pisses off Yahweh (!?) so he instantly strikes him dead!!  Then David gets pissed off at Yahweh for killing Uzzah!  However, David is also scared of Yahweh's wrath, so he has the ark taken to the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite.  Therefore, because the ark was at this dude's house, his house and family were blessed by Yahweh.
When David found out that Obed-Edom's house was doing so well with Yahweh's blessing, he ordered for the ark to be brought to Zion (haha).  As they bring the ark to Zion there's much rejoicing and sacrificing of animals and shit.  David also joins in on the celebration and is dancing around and stuff with everyone. However, Michal watched David from a window, and was so disgusted by his behavior that she DESPISED him with all of her heart (!?).
Anyway, so they then bring the ark into a tent and David performs some sacrifices and stuff, blesses everyone, and then gives them some bread to eat before they all head home. However, when David returns home Michal chastises him for acting like an idiot in front of everyone while they were celebrating.  David sticks up for himself by saying that he was chosen by Yahweh and not anyone else, so she can go fuck herself and he'll dance however he likes and doesn't care if the slave girls are watching him or not.  Then it says "And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death" (hahaha).

7- So David gets settled in his palace after all the fighting stops, and finally he has time to chill.  But then he notices that the Ark of the Covenant is just sitting in a tent while he's chilling in his palace, so this kind of bothers him.  A prophet named Nathan, one of David's courtiers, tells David that she should go ahead and do whatever he thinks is best regarding this situation.  However, later that night Yahweh speaks to Nathan and tells him that the Ark has always been in a tent, and that it has never been in a house.  Also, he says that he will make Israel a great and mighty people and blah blah.  However, it will be the descendants of David who will build a house for Yahweh, not David.  Yahweh also says that "the throne of (David's) kingdom will last forever" (which, as we know, isn't true...was Yahweh lying?).  Then David says a prayer to Yahweh and praises him a lot.

8- So then David wages a bunch of wars against the Philistines and Moabites.  He also has this bizarre practice of making all the enemy survivors lay on the ground, and then he lays a cord next to them, and those who fell between the lengths of two cords he would kill, but those who fell in the third length would be spared (?).  So that's kind of nice I guess?  Regardless, the Moabites are eventually crushed and their lands become a tributary state to the kingdom of Israel.
During this time Israel also fought a war against the kingdom of Zobah (AKA Aram-Zobah, located in modern-day Syria) over control of the Euphrates River and inevitably captured/killed thousands of their soldiers, including the hamstringing of most of their horses :(
Israel then battles against the armies of the city-state of Damascus (who were allied with Zobah), killing 22,000 of their soldiers!  Thus, the Arameans (people to the north of Israel) were conquered by King David.  Obviously, King David was winning all of his victories because he had the power of Yahweh on his side.  During all of this, David plundered a bunch of bronze from these lands and brought them back to Jerusalem. After this, King Tou of the city-state of Hamath (modern-day Syria) to the north of Israel sent his son, Joram (AKA Hadoram), to congratulate King David on all of his victories (who had also coincidentally been enemies of Hamath as well) and also present him with tributary gifts.
With all of the gifts, tribute, and plunder Israel had obtained during this time, King David made sure that all of it was dedicated to Yahweh.
We now find out that the kingdom of Israel has conquered the kingdoms Edom (in which 18,000 Edomite (or Aramean? unclear) soldiers were slain in a place called The Valley of Salt) and Moab in addition to the Ammonites, the Philistines, and the Amalekites.
We also learn about King David's inner circle: Joab, son of Zeruiah (army general); Jehoshaphat, son of Ahilud (scribe/recorder/chronicler); the priest Zadok, son of Ahitub, Ahimelek, son of Abiathar (or Abiathar is the Ahimelek, this is unclear), and some of David's sons (unclear who exactly) (priests); Seraiah (secretary); Benaiah, son of Jehoiada (managed the Kerethites and Pelethites (unclear who these dudes are exactly, maybe elite royal guards?).

9- Anyway, so King David then summons Ziba, a servant of Saul's house, to his court.  David felt bad for his war against Saul, so he decides to try and show some kindness to any surviving members of Saul's family.  Ziba tells David that there is one of Saul's grandsons (a son of Jonathan), named Mephibosheth (AKA Merib-baal), who is still alive (and also "lame in both feet").  Showing kindness to him, King David told Mephibosheth that he would honor his noble heritage and allow for him to eat at the same table as the king and his retinue.  So, Mephibosheth moved to Jerusalem from the town of Lo-debar (kind of a ghetto I guess), and David arranged for Ziba and his huge family (including 15 sons and 20 servants of their own) to serve as Mephibosheth's personal servants.  It's also mentioned that one of Ziba's sons was named Mika.

10- So, Nahash, King of Ammon and the Ammonites, dies, and his son Hanun takes over as king.  King David wants to show kindness to King Hanun because his father had previously "shown kindness" to David (it is unclear as to what this means exactly, and there has been lots of scholarly debate on this subject).  Anyway, so King David sends a delegation to Ammon, but King Hanun and his advisers are suspicious of King David's intentions; thus, they decide to humiliate the Israelite delegation by arresting them, shaving off half of their beards, cutting their clothes really short (real mature, guys), and then sending them back to Israel.  Realizing the urgency of the situation, King David sends messengers to the delegation, telling them to chill out in the city of Jericho until their beards have regrown, and then to return to Jerusalem.
The Ammonites, realizing the diplomatic crisis they had created, decided that they had no choice but to prepare for war since Israel obviously wasn't going to take lightly to this insult.  So, they raised an army of mercenaries (mainly from the Aramean tribes of the lands to the east, but also from other places it looks like) in order to defend the kingdom.
Of course, King David was indeed pissed off, and as a result sent Joab (along with Abishai as sub-commander) to lead the army in fucking up Ammon.  Of course, when the Israelite army attacks, Ammon's army flees the battlefield.  However, Ammon wasn't finished yet.  They regrouped and gathered more Aramean troops (this time even from beyond the Euphrates River) as well as an army from Zobah sent by Hadadezer (King of Zobah) to help defend Ammon, so when King David heard about this he personally led the army of Israel in the invasion of Ammon.  Of course, the Israelites are successful, resulting in the deaths of thousands, and the Ammonites flee the battlefield.  Shobak, the commander of the Zobah troops, was killed in this battle. Because of this, all the allies of Ammon grew too frightened to help Ammon and swore fealty to Israel instead.

11- It's spring now, and David sent Joab out with the Israelite army to wage war against the Ammonites.  David, however, stayed in Jerusalem.  One night while David is walking around on the roof of his palace, he spots a really hot chick bathing.  He finds out that she is Bathsheba, daughter of Eliam and wife of a soldier in the Israelite army named Uriah the Hittite.  Anyway, David DGAF that she was married, and summoned her to him and then banged her.  Later, he finds out she's pregnant. So, David summons Uriah to him and then tells him to go back to his house and wash his feet (?).  However, Uriah decides to not go back to his home, and instead sleeps on the steps of the palace with his servants.
When David finds out about this, he asks Uriah why he didn't go home.  Uriah explains to him that he's uncomfortable with going home and living a life of luxury at home while his fellow warriors are out doing battle and living in camps.
Anyway, so David then invites Uriah to stay in Jerusalem and hang out with him, and a couple days later they eat dinner together and get drunk.  However, Uriah still doesn't go home and sleeps at the entrance of the palace.
Finally, David's had enough, so he orders Joab to place Uriah in the most dangerous position for the next battle.  Joab does this, and of course Uriah ends up getting killed during a siege.  Joab sends a messenger to tell him the news that although some warriors in his army were slain, Uriah the Hittite was also KIA.  So the messenger goes and tells David this, and David sends a message back to Joab telling him to continue the siege.
Anyway, so Bathsheba is really sad about her husband dying, but gets over it pretty quick I guess because she soon marries David and gives birth to a son.
Not surprisingly, however, Yahweh is really pissed off about what happened...

12- Yahweh sends the prophet Nathan to David.  Nathan tells David a parable about a rich man and a poor man who are living in the same town- the rich dude has a bunch of sheep and cattle, but the poor dude only has a lamb.  When a traveler comes to stay with the rich man, the rich man refuses to kill one of his own animals for meat and instead takes the poor dude's lamb and kills it instead (rude).  This story pisses off David, who clearly sees the obvious injustice the rich man had committed, but Nathan then tells him that what the rich man did is the same as what David has done.  Then Nathan guilt trips David about everything Yahweh has done for him, and that Yahweh will in return for this transgression punish David by having someone close to him bang HIS wives (in broad daylight, no less!).  David expresses remorse for what he has done, but while Nathan tells him that he's not going to be killed by Yahweh, he's still going to experience the immediate death of his son that had just been born.  Of course, David tries to change Yahweh's mind by fasting, praying, sleeping in a sackcloth on the floor, etc.
Yahweh DGAF however, and on the seventh day David's newborn son died.  David seems to accept this, and begins living his life normally again, seeing that there was no point in continuing his suffering.  Then he goes to Bathsheba and bangs her.  Some time passes, and she gives birth to a son named Solomon (also called Jedidiah ("beloved by the Lord") by Yahweh).
Meanwhile, Joab continues to wage war against the Ammonites, calling on David to bring reinforcements.  David does so and they capture the royal city of Rabbah, along with the Ammonite king.  David then crowned himself with the gold crown of the Ammonite king (it weighed like 75 pounds and was studded with jewels) and enslaved the local population, making them work to rebuild the city (I guess?).  Then David repeated this process with all of the Ammonite towns before returning with his army back to Jerusalem.

13- Over time, David's son Amnon fell in love with his half-sister (and virgin) Tamar (Absalom's (another son of David's) sister)...gross.  He slowly went crazy due to his obsession with her.  Anyway, so Amnon's cousin Jonadab (son of David's brother, Shimeah) is Amnon's adviser, and he becomes concerned about Amnon because he's looking so haggard lately.  Amnon then tells him what's up.  Jonadab's advice is for Amnon to go to his room and lay down, pretending to be sick.  When David comes to check on him, Amnon is to tell him that he wants Tamar to come to his room and feed him.  This works, and sure enough Tamar is in Amnon's room and is about to feed him some bread that she made for him when he grabs her.  She tries to fight back, but she's unsuccessful and ends up getting raped :(  For whatever reason, after he's done this Amnon suddenly hates Tamar and orders his servant to remove her from his quarters.  So when this happens Tamar is obviously very upset and she tears at her garments (which are made specifically for virgins to wear) and pours ash on her head for some reason.  Absalom then comes to her and tries to comfort her, and so she then goes and lives with him.  Absalom really hates Amnon for what he did to Tamar.
Anyway, when David finds out about this, he's really pissed off.
Two years pass.  Absalom then invites all of his brothers/half-brothers to come visit him at the city of Baal Hazor.  Absalom asks if King David will be there, but David declines and Amnon is sent instead (wouldn't he just be coming anyway if all the other brothers were invited?).  Absalom then tells his men to kill Amnon in the middle of the party when everyone is all drunk and shit.  Anyway, so this goes down, and David receives word that all of his sons were killed by Absalom and so he gets really upset, but then he finds out that it was only Amnon that was killed, which I guess calms him down.  He's still upset tho, as he mourns for many days.
As for Absalom, he's obviously fearing for his life so he flees to the kingdom of Geshur (where his and Tamar's mother, Maachah, is from) to take refuge with his grandfather, King Talmai.

14- So General Joab knew that King David was feeling for Absalom, so he sent for a wise woman that was living in the village of Tekoa. When she arrives, he tells her to pretend like she's a woman in mourning and to not wear any makeup and shit go to King David and tell him some convoluted story about how her husband is dead so she's the matriarch of the clan and that her two sons got in a fight and one of them was killed, and the clan of the son that died demanded that the living son then be put to death because of this.  Anyway, she wants a pardon from King David so that her clan's reputation will be cleared, but David says just not to worry about it and that if anyone bugs them just let him know.  However, the woman says that she's seriously worried about someone using the "avenger of blood" rule to seek vengeance upon her and her family, and wants King David to invoke the power of Yahweh to prevent her son from dying.  King David does this, but the woman then says that it doesn't make sense why King David would say that it's OK for this son to get let off the hook when his own son (Absalom) is still out hiding somewhere out of fear for his own safety.  She goes on to say that this also wouldn't make sense for Yahweh to approve of because "that is not what Yahweh desires; rather, he devises ways so that a banished person does not remain banished from him" (cool line!).  Anyway, King David quickly realizes that this is all a ruse by Joab to get him (David) to let Absalom come back to Jerusalem without fear of being killed in revenge for his murder of Amnon.  However, David isn't mad, and instead instructs Joab to go to Geshur and bring back Absalom.  Still, for whatever reason David tells Joab to tell Absalom that he's not allowed to come to the palace and see him (David) when he returns to Jerusalem, he's got to find his own place.  Anyway, so Absalom returns to Jerusalem.  At this point we also find out that he's super handsome, and that his hair grows really fast (why is this important?).
Anyway, so Absalom lives in Jerusalem for 2 years without seeing his dad.  He also starts a family- 3 sons, and a daughter (named Tamar, after his sister, who would grow up to be really hot). During this time, Absalom wants to send a message to his dad so he summons Joab, but Joab won't come see him.  Out of frustration and presumably in order to get Joab's attention, Absalom has his servants set Joab's barley field (which was located right next to his own) on fire.  Of course, THIS definitely gets his attention, so Joab goes to Absalom's house to see why Absalom did this.  Absalom tells him it was because he wanted to get Joab's attention because he wanted to go with him to see the king, as he didn't see the point for why he was summoned from Geshur to Jerusalem (he was probably living the high life out in Geshur, being a foreigner from a royal family).  He also says that if he's going to be put to death for his crime, then just to go ahead and get it over with.  So Joab brings him to the court of King David, and Absalom kneels to his father, and David kisses him in return (I guess this is forgiveness).

15- Absalom eventually amasses enough power so that he has his own chariot and vanguard and shit.  It's obvious that he's getting kind of full of himself because he starts hanging outside of the gates of Jerusalem and when people come from all over the land to issue a formal complaint or grievance to King David, Absalom stops them and tells them that there's no one in the city who will listen to them (implying that Kind David is too busy to listen to them or is somewhere else and unable to have an audience with them (or both)), but if he (Absalom) were in power he'd make sure that their problem would get solved.  Also, when people would bow to him, he would kiss them in reply, which obviously really knocked everyone out and led him to have a huge following among the common folk.
Anyway, Absalom then tells his dad (after 4 or 40 years, it's unclear) that he has to make a pilgrimage to Hebron in order to worship Yahweh there, since this is a promise that he made to Yahweh while he was staying in Geshur.  So David tells him to go ahead and make his pilgrimage.  However, he then sends out secret messages to every tribal leader telling them that when they hear the sound of trumpets, they are to declare that he (Absalom) is the King of Hebron (and therefore I guess the true King of Israel?  unclear).  Then Absalom left with 200 followers (who didn't know what they were getting themselves into), including one of David's advisors, Ahithophel the Gilonite.
Eventually, David receives a message informing him that the people are rising up in revolt against him and flocking to his son, Absalom.  Realizing he's in hot water, David decides to flee the city, taking with him his household (but leaving behind 10 of his concubines), the citizens of Jerusalem, the Kerethites and Pelethites (his elite guard maybe?), and 600 Gittite warriors (who had just recently marched with David back to Jerusalem during one of his conquests I guess).  However, David then tells Ittai the Gittite (the Gittite leader I guess?) to turn back and stay in Jerusalem, as it was pointless to have them follow him around since he didn't know where he was going and they were newcomers anyway.  However, Ittai shows his undying loyalty to David by saying that they'll go wherever he goes because he's their king.  Anyway, as the king and his army pass through the land, all the common folk cry.  Maybe Absalom wasn't so popular after all?
Anyway, I guess they brought the Ark of the Covenant with them too, because David tells Zadok and the Levites to take the ark back to the city, as it won't matter if it's with him or not because Yahweh has already decided David's fate anyway.  He then tells Zadok that he's going to hang out in the wilderness until he receives some word from Zadok about the situation in Jerusalem.
Then David travels up the Mount of Olives (outside of Jerusalem) with his band, crying as they go.  It's also revealed that David knew that his (former) advisor, Ahithophel, was a traitor and part of the conspiracy to overthrow him, as he (Ahithophel) was actually now serving as an adviser for Absalom.  David prays to Yahweh by cursing Ahithophel so that he gives shitty advice.
When David gets to the top of the mountain he speaks with one of his counselors/confidants, Hushai the Arkite, telling him to go back to Absalom and pretend to be a traitor as well and join Absalom as an advisor so he (Hushai) can work behind the scenes and sabotage Ahithophel's plans and shit, and also to relay information to Zadok and Abiathar (or Ahimelek?) who will still be hanging out in the city, and they'll send messages to David via their sons.  Hushai agrees to do this, and gets back into the city just as Absalom arrives to take over.

16- Anyway, King David then meets with Ziba (Mephibosheth's steward) who presents the king with donkeys loaded up with a bunch of food and stuff.  David then asks Ziba where Mephibosheth is, and Ziba tells him that he's back in Jerusalem and that he (Mephibosheth) has turned his back on David and is now aiming to reclaim the throne for himself (as he's King Saul's grandson, after all).  After Ziba tells David this, he's obviously pissed off so he rewards Ziba by telling him that all of Mephibosheth's possessions now belong to him (Ziba).
Anyway, as David travels to the town of Bahurim (East of Jerusalem) a dude named Shimei (a member of the same family as "the house of Saul") appears out of nowhere and curses David while throwing rocks at him and his men, telling him that he (David) is in this position because of all the violence and bloodshed he inflicted upon King Saul and his family by usurping the throne.  He also says that Absalom is now king because Yahweh is so severely displeased with David's behavior.  Shimei's words really piss off Abishai (another son of General Zeruiah) who asks the king for permission to decapitate Shimei.  However, David tells Abishai that he doesn't need to defend him (David) because Yahweh has forsaken him, so technically Shimei is right in his condemnation.  He then tells everyone that he hopes Yahweh will forgive him.  So, David and his crew continue on their way, the whole time with Shimei throwing rocks at them and cursing them and shit.  Eventually they arrive at their destination.
Meanwhile, back in Jerusalem, Absalom arrives with his crew, including the traitor Ahithophel who was serving as adviser to Absalom.  Eventually, Hushai shows up to troll Ahithopel and Absalom.  Absalom is confused as to why Hushai has turned his back on King David, and Hushai explains that he wants to serve Absalom because it's obvious that Yahweh has chosen Absalom to rule instead of David, and that Absalom is David's son and the heir to the throne anyway.  It seems this answer is good enough for Absalom, so he asks Hushai what to do next. Hushai masterfully trolls Absalom by telling him that it would be an excellent idea to bang all of his dad's concubines whom he (David) had left in the palace.  That way, the people will know that he (Absalom) is for real in his opposition to his father.  Thinking this sounds like a great idea (of course he does), Absalom has a tent set up on the roof of the palace and then he bangs all of his dad's concubines in front of the entire city (thus fulfilling Yahweh's plan of making a cuck out of David (see 2 Samuel 12)  After this, Absalom follows David's behavior of listening to advice from Ahithophel as if it was coming straight from Yahweh himself.

17- Ahithopel tries to convince Absalom to let him have 12,000 men to go after King David.  However, before giving Ahithopel the go ahead, Absalom wants to consult with Hushai first to see what he thinks.  Hushai trolls by saying that it would be unwise to attack the fugitive king and his men with such a small army (as Ahithopel proposed) because David is so cunning and has nothing to lose at this point, so if there's a battle it's likely that David and his warriors will fight so fiercely that Ahithopel's army will panic and flee.  Instead, Hushai suggests that Absalom raise a HUGE army (one from every town in the kingdom) and lead the forces himself into battle.  Although Ahithopel has the better plan, Yahweh ensures that Absalom chooses to follow Hushai's troll advice because he wants Absalom to fail.  It looks like Yahweh has David's back after all!
Hushai then tells Zadok and Abiathar to get the message to David that he needs to flee into the wilderness immediately because Absalom was raising a huge army.  So, Zadok and Abiathar sent the message to their sons Jonathan and Ahimaaz (who were staying outside of Jerusalem at a town called En-rogel) via one of their servant girls.  However, a kid spotted Jonathan and Ahimaaz meeting with the servant girl, so he told Absalom about this.  Somehow Jonathan and Ahimaaz found out that Absalom had found about about them, so they fled En-rogel to the town of Bahurim, where they hid in a well in some dude's courtyard.  When Absalom's men came around looking for them, the dude's wife told the soldiers that they had seen Jonathan and Ahimaaz fleeing to somewhere else so the soldiers left to go look for them.  When the coast was finally clear, the boys finally managed to meet up with King David and told him everything.  Because of this, David fled across the Jordan River with his warriors.
Meanwhile back in Jerusalem, Ahithopel was so butthurt about his advice not being followed by Absalom that he went back to his hometown and killed himself :(
Anyway, so David then arrived in in the town of Mahanaim, with Absalom's huge army following close behind him.  It's also mentioned that Joab was no longer general of the army, and that Absalom had appointed Joab's cousin, Amasa, instead.  At Mahanaim, David is greeted by Prince Shobi (brother of King Hanun of Ammon), and two dudes named Makir  (a descendant of Joseph) and some dude named Barzillai, and they give him and his men a bunch of supplies and then tell them to rest.

18- So King David then organizes his forces and sends them out in 3 groups (led by Joab, Abishai, and Ittai (some dude from Gath). David then says that he's going to come out and fight too, but his men tell him not to since it's not worth it and he should just stay at Mahanaim.  So David agrees to stay, but he tells his commanders to go easy on Absalom if/when he's captured.
So, the forces of Absalom and David clash at the Battle of the Wood of Ephraim.  By the time the battle ended, 20,000 men warriors had died.  I guess also fighting in the woods was really difficult, and even Absalom got his hair caught in the branches of one of the trees as he tried to flee the battle on his horse.  He actually ends up just dangling from the tree while his donkey rode off (haha).  One of David's warriors sees this, and reports to Joab about it.  Joab chastises this dude for not slaying Absalom when he saw him.  The warrior protests by saying that King David had told everyone to go easy on Absalom, but Joab, giving zero fucks, takes three daggers and stabs Absalom with each of them, and then ten of Joab's armor bearers surrounded Absalom and killed him.  Then they threw Absalom's body into a pit and buried him with rocks before going home.  At this point in the story we also learn that Absalom somehow knew that he wouldn't have any children, so because of this (for whatever reason) he built a monument to himself in the "King's Valley" (the Kidron Valley in Jerusalem, and it's actually still standing!  However, most experts now agree that this "Tomb of Absalom" isn't actually the real one).
Anyway, so after all of this Ahimaaz wants to tell King David the news about Absalom, but Joab tells him no, instead telling some dude from Kush (modern-day Ethiopia) to go tell David the news instead.  Undeterred, Ahimaaz continues to beg Joab to let him go tell David the news, so Joab finally relents and lets him go.  Ahimaaz then takes a shortcut to Jerusalem, arriving slightly ahead of the Kushite dude.  The town guards at Jerusalem then see Ahimaaz running towards the town, so they know that he has news of the battle, but then they see the Kushite dude running towards the town as well.  Then David learns about what happened at the battle and to Absalom from both Ahimaaz and the Kushite dude and starts crying, wishing that he had died instead of his son.

19- Joab finds out that King David had found out about what happened to Absalom, so the celebration over the victory soon turned to mourning to follow the mood of the king.  Joab then goes and tries to guilt David into not being emo and to give some victory speech, so David acquiesces and then goes outside to give the speech to the people.
Meanwhile, the rebel Israelites who supported Absalom went back home and began arguing with everyone about the state of things.
Now the scene jumps back to King David again, who sends Zadok and Abiathar to go ask the elders of Judah why they have taken so long to welcome him back to the throne.  He then named Amasa (his nephew) as the new commander of the army.
David then returns to Jerusalem, and there is much rejoicing along the way.  Oh also Shimei (the dude that threw rocks at David and his men) then appeared to ask forgiveness from the king, and while Abishai said that he should be executed, David decided to spare his life and forgive him.
Then Jonathan's son Mephibosheth (AKA Merib-baal) shows up and looks really disheveled.  David asks him why he didn't come with him when he left Jerusalem.  Mephibosheth answers that he was deceived by his servant, Ziba, who didn't saddle his horse for him (Mephibosheth, as you remember, is crippled) and instead spread the rumor that Mephibosheth didn't actually want to come.  David understands Mephibosheth's situation, but then tells him to divide his land between himself (Mephibosheth) and Ziba for some reason.  Mephibosheth then sucks up to David by telling him that he doesn't care if Ziba takes even all of the land just because he (Mephibosheth) is so happy that David is back home and king again.  David also invited old rich dude Barzillai from Mahanaim to come live in Jerusalem, where presumably he would be handsomely rewarded by the king for his loyalty.  However, Barzillai declines because he says he too old and would just be a burden to the king.  However, he gives David his personal servant Kimham.  David accepts Kimham into his services and then continues towards Jerusalem.
However, on the way non-Judahites start getting angry because they feel like Judahites hogged all the honor and glory of helping David back to Jerusalem.  The Judahites respond by saying that the king is a Judahite himself and that they haven't taken advantage of their special privilege of helping him.  So they just continue arguing with each other and getting angrier and angrier.

20- Because of all this drama, it was probably inevitable that a rebellion against King David would occur.  A dude named Sheba (a member of the Bicrite clan) led the revolt and called for the downfall of David and his house as rulers of the kingdom.  So now Israel was divided between the Judahites (pro-David) and the non-Judahites (anti-David).
Anyway, so David's now back in Jerusalem, and the first thing he does is take the 10 concubines that had been banging Absalom and put them "in seclusion" where they were taken care of but lived like nuns until they died.  Then he tells Amasa to mobilize the troops and sends Abishai with some men to try and go quickly take out Sheba before he can get too powerful and fortify himself somewhere.
So, Abishai and Joab then take David's guards (the Kerethites and Pelethites) and go to the city of Gibeon where they meet up with Amasa.  However, Joab betrays Amasa and kills him with a dagger, presumably because he was jealous of his cousin replacing him as general of the Israelite army.  Then Joab and Abishai continue on their way with their warriors (!).  Then once Amasa's body is disposed of, all of Amasa's men decide to join up with Joab and Abishai (weird).
Meanwhile, Sheba eventually ends up fortifying himself and his forces in the town of Abel-beth-maacah.  When Joab and his forces arrive, they begin attacking the city.  During the siege, an old woman (the "Wise Woman of Abel") from the town approaches Joab and asks him why he's attacking the city, as it was loyal to the king.  Joab tells her that they actually don't want to destroy the town, they just want to kill Sheba.  So, the wise woman tells him to chill out, and then she goes back into the town and convinces the townsfolk to kill Sheba for Joab.  So, they capture Sheba and decapitate him, and then they throw his head over the walls to Joab and his army (whoa).  So, with the mission accomplished, Joab and his men returned to Jerusalem.
At this time Joab is now the commander of the army of Israel (since he was next in command since Amasa had been murdered); Benaiah is captain of David's bodyguards; Adoniram is in charge of managing the slaves; Jehoshaphat is the royal chronicler; Sheva is the court secretary; Zadok and Abiathar are the high priests; and a dude named Ira (a descendant of the judge Jair) was his chief priest/administrator or something.

21- Anyway, so now there's a famine in Israel.  David just can't catch a break!  He asks Yahweh why there's a famine, and Yahweh tells him it's because of Saul and his family murdering the Gibeonites (unclear as to when this actually happened, not mentioned in the Biblical record).  We also find out that although the Gibeonites (who were all that was left of the Amorites) were not part of Israel, the Israelites had promised not to kill them, but Saul had gone crazy and tried to annihilate them anyway.  So, King David summons the Gibeonites to his court to try and smooth things over with them since they had cursed his kingdom.  They reply by saying that because King Saul had tried to destroy them, it would only make sense for seven of Saul's kin to be handed over to them for execution.  David surprisingly agrees to this, so he hands over to them Saul's sons Armoni and Mephibosheth and five of his grandsons (sons of Saul's daughter, Rizpah), and they were indeed executed by the Gibeonites (in a possible sacrifice to Yahweh?).
Rizpah is so upset about her sons being killed that she hangs out around their bodies and tries to keep the scavenger birds from eating them.  When David learns about this, he sends men to collect their bodies/bones and has the bones of Saul and Jonathan from the town of Jabesh-gilead (the citizens of Jabesh-gilead) had taken their bones after the Philistines had hung them in the square at Beth-shan).  Then David had the bones buried at the Tomb of Kish (tomb of Saul's dad), and I guess this satisfied Yahweh so he (Yahweh) decided to stop the famine.
Of course, the drama doesn't stop because once again Israel is at war with the Philistines again!  During one of the battles, King David gets really tired while fighting this huge dude named Ishbi-benob, who was a descendant of the giants.  Luckily, Abishai saves David by killing Ishbi-benob.  After this, the Israelites tell Abishai not to go out and fight again because "why risk snuffing out the light of Israel?"
Then at another battle, the Israelite Sibbecai killed another giant descendant named Saph.
Then at another battle, Elhanan kills Goliath's brother (although the Hebrew text apparently doesn't say brother, so this is confusing as to what actually happened here).
Then at another battle, the Israelites fight another descendant of the giants who has six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot, but he's killed by David's nephew Jonathan.  Then we find out that all four of these Philistine giants were all from Gath (or at least descended from Gathites). 

22- David sings a song about how great Yahweh is and how Yahweh has saved him and his kingdom and destroyed their enemies.  He also sings about how he has never "abandoned (Yahweh's) decrees" (not true at all!).  He also sings about how he has destroyed all of his enemies and blah blah.

23- David must be pretty near death, because we learn that his last words are a long spiel about how Yahweh speaks through him and how Yahweh has chosen his family to be the ruling dynasty of Israel.  He also says how it's important to destroy the "godless" (presumably non-Yahweh worshipers). 
We also learn about David's three mightiest warriors ("The Three"):
1.  Jashobeam the Hacmonite- killed 800 enemies with a single spear!
2.  Eleazar son of Dodai, a descendant of Ahoah- during a battle he stayed and fought with David while the rest of the army fled, and Yahweh thus rewarded the Israelites with a great victory because of their (his?) courage. 
3.  Shammah son of Agee from Harar- same thing as Eleazar pretty much.
These three warriors were actually members of a group of 30 of David's most elite warriors.  We also learn about how one time David was thirsty while he was in the Cave of Adullam (see 1 Samuel 22:1)
so these three warriors sneaked into the nearby Philistine encampment and stole some water from a well to bring back to their king, but when they brought it back David sacrificed the water to Yahweh or something because he felt that the water was worth the same as the warriors' blood since they had risked their lives just to get him some water. 
Leading these 30 elite warriors was Abishai (he was as famous as The Three), who killed 300 warriors one time with a single spear (not as good as Jashobeam tho!).  The captain of the 30 was Benaiah (son of Jehoiada) of Kabzeel, who killed two Moabite champions and some other badass shit.
We also learn the names and some additional details about these 30 elite warriors:
1.   Asahel (Joab’s brother);
2.   Elhanan (son of Dodo (haha)) of Bethlehem
3.   Shammah of Harod
4.   Elika of Harod
5.   Helez of Pelon (AKA Palti)
6.   Ira (son of Ikkesh) of Tekoa
7.   Abiezer of Anathoth
8.   Sibbecai (Mebunnai) of Hushah
9.   Zalmon of Ahoah
10. Maharai of Netophah
11. Heled (AKA Heleb) (son of Baanah) of Netophah
12. Ithai (Ittai) (son of Ribai) of Gibeah (in the land of Benjamin)
13. Benaiah of Pirathon
14. Hurai (Hiddai) of Nahale-gaash ("the Ravines of Gaash")
15. Abi-albon of Arabah
16. Azmaveth of Bahurim 
17. Eliahba of Shaalbon;
18. Jonathan (son of Shagee) of Harar
19. Ahiam (son of Sharar) from Harar
20. Eliphelet (son of Ahasbai) of Maacah
21. Eliam (son of Ahithophel) of Giloh
22. Hezro of Carmel
23. Paarai of Arba
24. Igal (son of Nathan) of Zobah
25. Bani of Gad
26. Zelek of Ammon
27. Naharai of Beeroth (the armor bearer of Joab son of Zeruiah)
28. Ira of Jattir
29. Gareb of Jattir
30. Uriah the Hittite.
It also says in total there were 37, but this is unclear as to how they counted this or who exactly was considered a member or why they're called "30" or whatever.

24- Yahweh is really angry again for some reason, so he causes King David to "harm" his people by ordering a census to be conducted (?).  However, Joab questions David as to why he has ordered the census.  So, Joab and the leaders of the army go out and travel throughout the land counting the people.  It took them almost 10 months, but upon returning they reported that they had counted about 800,000 potential soldiers (not including Judah) and 1,300,000 (including Judah). 
Anyway, David is bothered by his actions of ordering the census (why?), believing that he has committed a great sin, so he prays to Yahweh for forgiveness.  Yahweh then tells the prophet Gad to tell the king that he has three choices of punishment, and whichever he chooses Yahweh will inflict upon him (David): three years of famine; three months of losing battles and fleeing from enemies; or three days of severe plague. It's unclear as to if David actually makes a decision or not, but it seems as if he says that he'd rather be attacked by Yahweh (since he's "merciful") than by humans (who are ruthless I guess?), so anyway later in the morning Yahweh causes an outbreak of a plague to occur in the kingdom and 70,000 people die (fuck!).  However, Yahweh decides enough is enough and stops the Angel of Death (possibly AKA Angel of the Lord; "Mashḥit" / "Malakh") from destroying Jerusalem (who was currently walking around the threshing floor of Araunah the Jebusite for some reason).  David is also at Araunah's threshing floor for some reason, so when he sees the Angel of Death he asks why Yahweh is punishing and killing all of these people and not him since he's the king and the one who has sinned (good question).  In response to this, Yahweh tells David to build an altar to him (Yahweh) on the threshing floor.  So, David then tells Araunah that he's going to buy his threshing floor in order to build an altar to Yahweh there to stop the plague, so Araunah agrees to sell it to his king and even throws in oxen and wood for the sacrifice.  So, David builds the altar and conducts the proper rituals and sacrifices, and as a result Yahweh stops the plague.